(no subject)
No matter where this goes, I’m happy. I’m not going to take the time to read this over, so I guess what comes out will just simply be. Tonight on the elliptical I flipped to my standard exercise mix, or so I thought, but apparently my fingers slipped and out blasted Yolanda Adams’ “Fragile Heart.” If I took the time to fiddle around with my MP3 player I’d lose valuable calories (actually, no I would not lose valuable calories) so I just let it play and found myself thinking about last night and my absolute despondence, which made me think about what happened a year ago, which made me think about what happened three years ago, which took me back to what happened that summer which took me back to her, and here I was again come full circle, by then listening to “Still I Rise” and remembering my naivete and that vigil in the Buick every morning on the way to school thinking that I could control things so completely beyond my power and that last hug and how cold she was and how pretty and how she made it even though she wasn’t with me and who cares because that’s selfish. Anywhoo, although I was disappointed with myself last night and a little this morning, I realized that although I may not realize it, although I may not appreciate it, I am blessed with what helps me get through, which may not be the traditional figure I seek, but which comes through in the oddest of ways. Funny what inspires me and makes me feel better, but I think that says something, that although I may not find comfort in the ways that everyone else does, it still comes, disseminated in a way that will penetrate my stubbornness and melodrama. I can’t explain it certainly, because half the time I get so frustrated with her and her and when did she even get here and he just seems to fit in externally and she definitely never helps and who would’ve thought she would come by and who would’ve thought that she wouldn’t be there and how would she know to give me a hug and REALLY she helps me everyday and he gives me a calmness even though he doesn’t know it and why did health education sneak up on me and allow me to put myself into it and WHERE IS SHE WHEN I WANT HER and wooooosaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
So uh. Yeah. Thanks guys. ‘Preciate it.
(If you can picture how I said the above line, then you helped me today.)