(no subject)
My mom and I went up to the University to day just to see how I felt about being on campus. We're going for the big lawyer meeting on Thursday. The library was closed so we didn't have to worry about running into anyone from there that I knew. Going up there I felt like, well my mom put it really well, like a dog going back to a place where it knew it was going to get hit.
We got up there, and since I have the keys to the library still, we poked around a bit. It looks like they hired two new people in the past six months. I knew they were looking for one person, because someone quit right before I did. I figured they might be looking for someone to replace me as well. I may be right. I'm not sure. In any case, it looked like nothing had changed. The space was still the same. The claustrophobic space was still the same. That damn little desk was still the same.
The thing is, now, if I go back it's likely that I won't be getting my old duties back. And that I'll be given a student's job. I'll have about as much responsibility as a student, I'll be as important as a student, but I wouldn't be a student. If that makes sense. And I think that might be worse in some ways.
This is going to be a rough week, I think. Mostly because the big thing is on Thursday so I get to wait for that all week. Fortunately - I suppose - it's in the morning so I can have the rest of the day to just Blargh.
Monday I have a Shrink appointment, which is nice. I can babble about all my insecurities. Tuesday is visiting the state shrinks to say Yes I really am in need of the disability insurance. (Of course if I get the job back on Thursday I won't need it, I guess. But that's if I get it back.)
And then Thursday... yeah. 9:00 am.
I am going to be so steam rolled afterward, I know it. If I'm feeling this bad after just going on campus... imagine how it'll be when there will be people there who I know who will be wanting to know how I've been, where I've been, what I've been up to...
I don't want to deal with it. I have to deal with it. But I don't want to deal with it.
We'll see what happens.
We got up there, and since I have the keys to the library still, we poked around a bit. It looks like they hired two new people in the past six months. I knew they were looking for one person, because someone quit right before I did. I figured they might be looking for someone to replace me as well. I may be right. I'm not sure. In any case, it looked like nothing had changed. The space was still the same. The claustrophobic space was still the same. That damn little desk was still the same.
The thing is, now, if I go back it's likely that I won't be getting my old duties back. And that I'll be given a student's job. I'll have about as much responsibility as a student, I'll be as important as a student, but I wouldn't be a student. If that makes sense. And I think that might be worse in some ways.
This is going to be a rough week, I think. Mostly because the big thing is on Thursday so I get to wait for that all week. Fortunately - I suppose - it's in the morning so I can have the rest of the day to just Blargh.
Monday I have a Shrink appointment, which is nice. I can babble about all my insecurities. Tuesday is visiting the state shrinks to say Yes I really am in need of the disability insurance. (Of course if I get the job back on Thursday I won't need it, I guess. But that's if I get it back.)
And then Thursday... yeah. 9:00 am.
I am going to be so steam rolled afterward, I know it. If I'm feeling this bad after just going on campus... imagine how it'll be when there will be people there who I know who will be wanting to know how I've been, where I've been, what I've been up to...
I don't want to deal with it. I have to deal with it. But I don't want to deal with it.
We'll see what happens.