when you're gone, colors seem to fade
april 27, 2005: "school (and all that goes along with it) is starting to remind me of my last weeks at camp, the summer after sophomore year. it was a place i was, and still am, so attached to, a place that really is a big part of me i think. (i mean all that goes along with "place," too.) and in my final days there it finally hit me that i would never be there again, never with all those people, never that very same person. there was something in knowing i had however-many days left, few enough to count on two hands, that constantly nagged at me and added a little "now or never" to all my decisions and conversations and everything. and that's bittersweet. i mean, obviously it's sad, and i hate having to leave this part of my life because i'm just now coming to absolutely love it, but it's also a very positive kind of pressure, i think (pressure's the wrong word there, but you know what i meant)."
well damn. i realized tonight that in a mere one month's time, i will get on a plane and leave the continent for six months. and i feel exactly like i felt before we graduated: on the one hand, i am indescribably anxious for the next month to pass quickly and for my whirlwind african adventure to begin. but on the other hand, i know that this month will slip through my fingers. there is so much i need and want to accomplish before i go, so many conversations i want to have with so many people.. and never is there an evening that i can say before bed that i completed the day's to-do list. there just aren't enough hours in the day, not enough days in the week. and goodbyes are starting now, which is surreal and awful. i hate to think that (minus the people i see like every day), pretty much every conversation i have in the next month will have to end in six months' worth of goodbye -- god, and i'm so bad at goodbyes. jaaaaysus. i hate things with countdowns.
but i suppose i can tell you now,
i love you.
(sorry if i made you sad just now.
it's friday; i should lighten up.)
well damn. i realized tonight that in a mere one month's time, i will get on a plane and leave the continent for six months. and i feel exactly like i felt before we graduated: on the one hand, i am indescribably anxious for the next month to pass quickly and for my whirlwind african adventure to begin. but on the other hand, i know that this month will slip through my fingers. there is so much i need and want to accomplish before i go, so many conversations i want to have with so many people.. and never is there an evening that i can say before bed that i completed the day's to-do list. there just aren't enough hours in the day, not enough days in the week. and goodbyes are starting now, which is surreal and awful. i hate to think that (minus the people i see like every day), pretty much every conversation i have in the next month will have to end in six months' worth of goodbye -- god, and i'm so bad at goodbyes. jaaaaysus. i hate things with countdowns.
but i suppose i can tell you now,
i love you.
(sorry if i made you sad just now.
it's friday; i should lighten up.)