My Wretched Thoughts 2
Am I really a human being? Or am I just some toy... My brother acts as if the whole world revolves him, especially me... He uses me for the most stupidest things... I was never born just to escort him to the fucking kitchen which is probably 15 steps from his fucking room... I'm not some person that has no value... I have feelings and nobody respects that... They don't see me as the weak little girl I am inside... All I want is for someone to hear these thoughts of Death, scold me for it, and say that they care about me too much to ever see me thinking these things. But nobody cares... So much emotional fatigue... I'm too young for this... Too fragile... Like an eggshell... With an outer-covering of solid metal... Outside, I just get angry, but inside... I'm breaking down inside... Nobody cares about me... Nobody ever will... Oh Hakkai... You would break down that metal wall, wouldn't you?... Seeing your face would just make it melt away... Exposing my true self to you... Hakkai... I cry your name as if it's what keeps me alive... Hakkai... I cry your name over and over in my mind and yet you do not come... Why?... Are you not meant for me?... Are you really just a fictional character?... Why?... Why must me dreams be shattered? Are they not significant?... Am I not a real person? Do I not matter? What is wrong with the world?... This is a cruel place to live in... Any warning to any teenager, nay, any PERSON that feels what I feel, will be welcome... Because we need love... Love is the very meaning of joy, happiness... Without it, we are nothing but shallow souls wandering around looking for nothing... All I need is love... But why have I never found it. Am I cursed to never love?...
Let me go, Let me die.
Take me, God.
Bring me peace.
For years I've waited
For the ultimate release.
Let me die.
Let me go.
I've searched my heart,
And I've nothing to show.
I have nobody
To run to and cry.
Just kill me now
And let my spirit fly.
I hang on
For one person only.
Whenever I'm around him,
I never feel lonely.
I've never wanted
Death this much.
So please, would you satisty
My never-ending lust?
I feel so alone... If you were here, Hakkai, then I wouldn't feel lonely again... Demon or not, I will still love you... For I'm a demon inside... I wish for Death and thirst for blood, my own blood. I can't make this feeling go away, because it is the aftermath of my dull, grey life. I know you don't have that feeling, not until you have turned into your demon form. Smiling or otherwise, I know you're sad inside. A pain like no other is hurting you like a thorn in your side. The pain of losing one you love and never seeing them again... But have you ever felt the pain of never loving in your whole entire life?... It feels as if the world hates you and you will never love anyone... As if there was no one meant for you... As if you were destined to be alone forever... Do you know how much that hurts?... Most people think that the only cure is Death... I do, too, but there is someone I stay for... Two people actually... I'm being patient and waiting for the one who will love me... And the second person is the only one that actually understands me... Nobody can look into my heart and see what I am thinking... He is the only one that can actually take at least a glimpse at my true feelings. Hakkai... I say your name in my mind almost every minute now... Hakkai... I want you so... And yet I can't have you, Hakkai...The pain that I feel grows stronger with every passing moment... Soon, I will be consumed by the Darkness and I will never, ever love anyone... Not even the people I already care for... Someone, I hope you, will save me from this fate... Someone... Someone like you, Hakkai...
I found out something today... I'm not afraid of the dark anymore... I used too... And now I'm sitting in my dark room, the only light coming from my computer screen... I've become obsessed with it... It is my sanctuary... The darkness brings me comfort... It is the only thing that will never leave me... Not willingly... Not forcefully... It talks to me... It says "I will never leave you, because you have accepted me."... Yes, I have accepted that darkness have engulfed my very world... It leaves nothing but me to survive... The darkness hides all the hurt from the world... I've learned that if you learn to accept it, you will no longer feel pain... This is because nobody is there to hurt you... And you know no one is there so all you have is yourself... It speaks... "No more pain..." it says... "I will protect you from it..." it promises to me... I nod and embrace it's offer and stay in the shadows for all eternity...
Why must people critisize me? I'm so fucking tired of this... Why can't I go through my life without people saying "Why did you do this?" or "There is something wrong with you..." I don't need this fucking shit... Especially in this life... I've lost the only one I have in this world... I'm nothing now... Nobody cares about me... Nobody gives a shit about me... I need a friggin life... God... I wish I was never born... Never brought to this hell they call Earth... I just want to lay down and cry... I have no one to turn to... No one to comfort me... I'm a shallow soul... Nobody will ever understand me... And I thought Taka would... But I was wrong... I'm nothing... Just a waste of space for other people in this cursed world... Just another thing to tease... Another thing to play with... I just want to disappear right here and now... Just to truly be nothing...
Taka says he's sorry... But after what he said 10 minutes before he apologized, I can't trust anyone anymore... I said "It's okay..." but I only said it to make him feel okay... No matter what people say as an apology, I can't trust them, no matter what... I'll be on my own from now on... Never depending on anyone... Just to sit here and wait for what the future brings me... I don't need anyone... I won't love anymore... It'll just bring more heartbreak... I won't talk anymore...Even in front of my friends... Nobody needs to hear my wretched thoughts and critisize me even more... No matter how friggin pissed off I become, I won't say anything... No matter how happy I feel, which I doubt I'll ever feel again, I won't talk at all... Nobody can understand the pain I feel... Nobody hurts as much as I do... They don't know the meaning of real pain... They've never felt true pain... They never will... They will never understand who I am inside... I'm so complicated inside... Even for myself... I'm so fucking pathetic... I will never have a fucking life... Not now... Not ever... "You've changed..." Taka said... He doesn't know how much I change each and every day... With each passing moment, I become somewhat darker... Wishing for Death and dreaming of things that are far from my reach... Some people think that patience is a virtue... What if you've been waiting for your whole entire fucking life? Huh? Why won't anyone answer that question?! Because they don't fucking know, that's why! They don't fucking know what it's like to feel real pain... The pain of never having any real friends... Just having a false life... A life that isn't even yours... THEY DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Because they're too busy caring about themselves... Me... I'm just waiting for someone that understands me... So I can finally be relieved of the great weight that rests on my shoulders... Everyone else out there needs a fucking life... I swear... I need a fucking life... All this that I'm living through right now is nothing but shit... Nothing but stupid crap that has nothing to do with me... Why do I even live... WHY?!
I swore never to speak again... My hikari betrayed me... When I tell people I have a yami and a hikari, they look at me like I'm insane... but, really I'm not... I'm just so alone... I feel like two people... When I'm around other people, my hikari comes out and betrays everything my dark is devoted to... When I'm alone, my yami takes control and goes back to those devotions... I'm two people... My hikari is innocent and annoyingly perky all the time... I even annoy myself... I want to change... Really... But I can't... My yami makes me feel better... It keeps to itself and depends on the darkness for comfort... And the darkness obliges... Because it won't leave me alone... I am two people... A wretched soul... A vessel of two seperate spirits... Sometimes I look into myself and see a mirror... My hikari is looking into a mirror and in the mirror is nothing but shadows... When my hikari touches the surface of the mirror, my yami shows up and is doing the same thing, touching the opposite surface... The yami smirks and the shadows from the mirror flood the space around my hikari, drowning it and leaving my yami in control... Then... I begin to think.... dark thoughts... Thoughts of Death and pain... My pain... The pain that I have endured for much too long... The pain becomes too much and my two sides cannot coexist, leaving me empty inside sometimes...
There is a song that says "Save me from the nothing I've become"... I think that phrase applies to me in every way... I'm slowly disintegrating, disappearing from the world... Starting form the inside going out... Nothing makes sense anymore... Nothing is right... Nothing will make me feel better... I'm in too deep... Way too deep... No one can save me... From the depths of my heart... It drowns me... It suffocates me... I'm dieing inside... Save me... I cry your name... You don't come... Inexistant tears run down my cheeks as I sink... Sink deeper into the darkness... Save me... Save me from the forever torturing darkness... Save me from myself...
I've found out why it hurts to live... It's because I don't feel whole... I need to find that one person that will make me feel whole and alive... Then I will be happy... It has been a long road for me... And the pain has dragged me down... Maybe this is where I stop, all alone... Waiting for someone to pass by and help me along the rest of the way... Nobody so far has helped me at all... So I'm sitting here at the same spot forever... No one will lend a helping hand for a young woman that's lost her way... Until that one special person takes your hand and helps you up and brings you home... Makes you happy and gives you that missing piece in your heart that hurts so much each and every minute... Then the hurt is gone and you feel no pain... No urge to die... No urge to fill in that little gap in your heart with a blade... It all goes away... Like a seashell on the shore when a wave comes rolling in... It hurts each and everytime you step on it, then the sea takes it away and leaves soft sand there... All I need to that little piece in my heart that missing... Then I will feel whole and finally love...
People ask if I'm happy... I'm not... I'll never be... Nothing matters to me anymore... News is news... Nothing is a surprise... Nothing is shocking... My whole being has been tainted by pain... The pain is enough to deal with, I don't need anything else to weigh me down... Being alone is enough... Won't you leave me be? Let me live my life the way I want? To wander and find the one that will complete my being as a human... As a mortal... As a person... I am nothing but a wretched soul wandering the earth with no cause... No reason to be alive... Nobody takes pity on me... Nobody wants to lift the weight off my shoulders and drop it in the deepest of oceans...As the sakura leaves fall, I watch as a smile forms on your face... Then I turn to your love... I feel happy for you... You've finally found the one... Now you can be happy and live your life the way you like... Wish me luck... Because I will be waiting for the one for me... And while I wait, I'm going to need all the luck I can get... And the greatest is your blessing... I've watched over you, cared for you as if you were my flesh and blood... My young body and wise soul will lead the way... Don't worry about me... Live your life without my burden... Someday, I'll have that someone for me...And we can both be happy and live our own lives... Say your prayers... Because this is going to be a long road... Sometimes, it's better to exclude yourself from the rest of the world... Give yourself some time to think to yourself... Find out your purpose, you reason, to live... I already have... My reason is to be there for Taka... Make him happy... Give him company before he finds that one special person... But who's purpose is it to make 'me' happy... Nobody has come along... Passed by... Or even noticed me that cares about me deeply...All I want to true love... That is all I truly want and need... They say that love is a must-have... Guess that I'm unprovided for... People ask what true love is... True love is when you've found the one person in the whole entire world that understands you, and loves you for who you are... They make you feel complete... The complete your very being... Having them at your side, you will be eternally happy and you will have achieved your goal in life... I only wish that would be my fate...
Don't stop the rain from falling. Don't stop it from cascading from the heavens. The very tears of the gods. It crashes down on the earth and slides down my skin. It makes me freezing cold and I don't care. Just as long as I'm showered by the sky's tears. Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Either one doesn't matter to me. Just as long as the cold liquid runs down my body and makes me feel frozen. Numb. Numb from all pain. Even the pain of emptiness. The cold rain flows down my body. Not missing one single detail as it makes it's way down. The freezing cold water feels nice. As if it's comforting the pain. Pain that can only be washed away as I stand outside in a light rainstorm...
Let me go, Let me die.
Take me, God.
Bring me peace.
For years I've waited
For the ultimate release.
Let me die.
Let me go.
I've searched my heart,
And I've nothing to show.
I have nobody
To run to and cry.
Just kill me now
And let my spirit fly.
I hang on
For one person only.
Whenever I'm around him,
I never feel lonely.
I've never wanted
Death this much.
So please, would you satisty
My never-ending lust?
I feel so alone... If you were here, Hakkai, then I wouldn't feel lonely again... Demon or not, I will still love you... For I'm a demon inside... I wish for Death and thirst for blood, my own blood. I can't make this feeling go away, because it is the aftermath of my dull, grey life. I know you don't have that feeling, not until you have turned into your demon form. Smiling or otherwise, I know you're sad inside. A pain like no other is hurting you like a thorn in your side. The pain of losing one you love and never seeing them again... But have you ever felt the pain of never loving in your whole entire life?... It feels as if the world hates you and you will never love anyone... As if there was no one meant for you... As if you were destined to be alone forever... Do you know how much that hurts?... Most people think that the only cure is Death... I do, too, but there is someone I stay for... Two people actually... I'm being patient and waiting for the one who will love me... And the second person is the only one that actually understands me... Nobody can look into my heart and see what I am thinking... He is the only one that can actually take at least a glimpse at my true feelings. Hakkai... I say your name in my mind almost every minute now... Hakkai... I want you so... And yet I can't have you, Hakkai...The pain that I feel grows stronger with every passing moment... Soon, I will be consumed by the Darkness and I will never, ever love anyone... Not even the people I already care for... Someone, I hope you, will save me from this fate... Someone... Someone like you, Hakkai...
I found out something today... I'm not afraid of the dark anymore... I used too... And now I'm sitting in my dark room, the only light coming from my computer screen... I've become obsessed with it... It is my sanctuary... The darkness brings me comfort... It is the only thing that will never leave me... Not willingly... Not forcefully... It talks to me... It says "I will never leave you, because you have accepted me."... Yes, I have accepted that darkness have engulfed my very world... It leaves nothing but me to survive... The darkness hides all the hurt from the world... I've learned that if you learn to accept it, you will no longer feel pain... This is because nobody is there to hurt you... And you know no one is there so all you have is yourself... It speaks... "No more pain..." it says... "I will protect you from it..." it promises to me... I nod and embrace it's offer and stay in the shadows for all eternity...
Why must people critisize me? I'm so fucking tired of this... Why can't I go through my life without people saying "Why did you do this?" or "There is something wrong with you..." I don't need this fucking shit... Especially in this life... I've lost the only one I have in this world... I'm nothing now... Nobody cares about me... Nobody gives a shit about me... I need a friggin life... God... I wish I was never born... Never brought to this hell they call Earth... I just want to lay down and cry... I have no one to turn to... No one to comfort me... I'm a shallow soul... Nobody will ever understand me... And I thought Taka would... But I was wrong... I'm nothing... Just a waste of space for other people in this cursed world... Just another thing to tease... Another thing to play with... I just want to disappear right here and now... Just to truly be nothing...
Taka says he's sorry... But after what he said 10 minutes before he apologized, I can't trust anyone anymore... I said "It's okay..." but I only said it to make him feel okay... No matter what people say as an apology, I can't trust them, no matter what... I'll be on my own from now on... Never depending on anyone... Just to sit here and wait for what the future brings me... I don't need anyone... I won't love anymore... It'll just bring more heartbreak... I won't talk anymore...Even in front of my friends... Nobody needs to hear my wretched thoughts and critisize me even more... No matter how friggin pissed off I become, I won't say anything... No matter how happy I feel, which I doubt I'll ever feel again, I won't talk at all... Nobody can understand the pain I feel... Nobody hurts as much as I do... They don't know the meaning of real pain... They've never felt true pain... They never will... They will never understand who I am inside... I'm so complicated inside... Even for myself... I'm so fucking pathetic... I will never have a fucking life... Not now... Not ever... "You've changed..." Taka said... He doesn't know how much I change each and every day... With each passing moment, I become somewhat darker... Wishing for Death and dreaming of things that are far from my reach... Some people think that patience is a virtue... What if you've been waiting for your whole entire fucking life? Huh? Why won't anyone answer that question?! Because they don't fucking know, that's why! They don't fucking know what it's like to feel real pain... The pain of never having any real friends... Just having a false life... A life that isn't even yours... THEY DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Because they're too busy caring about themselves... Me... I'm just waiting for someone that understands me... So I can finally be relieved of the great weight that rests on my shoulders... Everyone else out there needs a fucking life... I swear... I need a fucking life... All this that I'm living through right now is nothing but shit... Nothing but stupid crap that has nothing to do with me... Why do I even live... WHY?!
I swore never to speak again... My hikari betrayed me... When I tell people I have a yami and a hikari, they look at me like I'm insane... but, really I'm not... I'm just so alone... I feel like two people... When I'm around other people, my hikari comes out and betrays everything my dark is devoted to... When I'm alone, my yami takes control and goes back to those devotions... I'm two people... My hikari is innocent and annoyingly perky all the time... I even annoy myself... I want to change... Really... But I can't... My yami makes me feel better... It keeps to itself and depends on the darkness for comfort... And the darkness obliges... Because it won't leave me alone... I am two people... A wretched soul... A vessel of two seperate spirits... Sometimes I look into myself and see a mirror... My hikari is looking into a mirror and in the mirror is nothing but shadows... When my hikari touches the surface of the mirror, my yami shows up and is doing the same thing, touching the opposite surface... The yami smirks and the shadows from the mirror flood the space around my hikari, drowning it and leaving my yami in control... Then... I begin to think.... dark thoughts... Thoughts of Death and pain... My pain... The pain that I have endured for much too long... The pain becomes too much and my two sides cannot coexist, leaving me empty inside sometimes...
There is a song that says "Save me from the nothing I've become"... I think that phrase applies to me in every way... I'm slowly disintegrating, disappearing from the world... Starting form the inside going out... Nothing makes sense anymore... Nothing is right... Nothing will make me feel better... I'm in too deep... Way too deep... No one can save me... From the depths of my heart... It drowns me... It suffocates me... I'm dieing inside... Save me... I cry your name... You don't come... Inexistant tears run down my cheeks as I sink... Sink deeper into the darkness... Save me... Save me from the forever torturing darkness... Save me from myself...
I've found out why it hurts to live... It's because I don't feel whole... I need to find that one person that will make me feel whole and alive... Then I will be happy... It has been a long road for me... And the pain has dragged me down... Maybe this is where I stop, all alone... Waiting for someone to pass by and help me along the rest of the way... Nobody so far has helped me at all... So I'm sitting here at the same spot forever... No one will lend a helping hand for a young woman that's lost her way... Until that one special person takes your hand and helps you up and brings you home... Makes you happy and gives you that missing piece in your heart that hurts so much each and every minute... Then the hurt is gone and you feel no pain... No urge to die... No urge to fill in that little gap in your heart with a blade... It all goes away... Like a seashell on the shore when a wave comes rolling in... It hurts each and everytime you step on it, then the sea takes it away and leaves soft sand there... All I need to that little piece in my heart that missing... Then I will feel whole and finally love...
People ask if I'm happy... I'm not... I'll never be... Nothing matters to me anymore... News is news... Nothing is a surprise... Nothing is shocking... My whole being has been tainted by pain... The pain is enough to deal with, I don't need anything else to weigh me down... Being alone is enough... Won't you leave me be? Let me live my life the way I want? To wander and find the one that will complete my being as a human... As a mortal... As a person... I am nothing but a wretched soul wandering the earth with no cause... No reason to be alive... Nobody takes pity on me... Nobody wants to lift the weight off my shoulders and drop it in the deepest of oceans...As the sakura leaves fall, I watch as a smile forms on your face... Then I turn to your love... I feel happy for you... You've finally found the one... Now you can be happy and live your life the way you like... Wish me luck... Because I will be waiting for the one for me... And while I wait, I'm going to need all the luck I can get... And the greatest is your blessing... I've watched over you, cared for you as if you were my flesh and blood... My young body and wise soul will lead the way... Don't worry about me... Live your life without my burden... Someday, I'll have that someone for me...And we can both be happy and live our own lives... Say your prayers... Because this is going to be a long road... Sometimes, it's better to exclude yourself from the rest of the world... Give yourself some time to think to yourself... Find out your purpose, you reason, to live... I already have... My reason is to be there for Taka... Make him happy... Give him company before he finds that one special person... But who's purpose is it to make 'me' happy... Nobody has come along... Passed by... Or even noticed me that cares about me deeply...All I want to true love... That is all I truly want and need... They say that love is a must-have... Guess that I'm unprovided for... People ask what true love is... True love is when you've found the one person in the whole entire world that understands you, and loves you for who you are... They make you feel complete... The complete your very being... Having them at your side, you will be eternally happy and you will have achieved your goal in life... I only wish that would be my fate...
Don't stop the rain from falling. Don't stop it from cascading from the heavens. The very tears of the gods. It crashes down on the earth and slides down my skin. It makes me freezing cold and I don't care. Just as long as I'm showered by the sky's tears. Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Either one doesn't matter to me. Just as long as the cold liquid runs down my body and makes me feel frozen. Numb. Numb from all pain. Even the pain of emptiness. The cold rain flows down my body. Not missing one single detail as it makes it's way down. The freezing cold water feels nice. As if it's comforting the pain. Pain that can only be washed away as I stand outside in a light rainstorm...