Really Long Caribbean Hetalia Headcanons #1
OKAY, this is going to be long, so I will put it under a Read More.
Also, please understand: I know that more islands than those focused on in this headcanon are Taíno islands. However, I don’t have all the most reliable sources and am only focusing on the islands of Borike’n/Puerto Rico, Guanahani/Cuba, Ayiti/Haiti, and the Dominican Republic/República Dominicana.
also, pretty much all of the art in this post was done by Missile-Crisis/ oreo_ornament because I”m too damn lazy to draw them myself and she was very willing to draw these babbus.
Okay. Disclaimer over!
HERE WE GO.
Once upon a time, the Taíno tribe inhabited most of the Caribbean…
The Mother Tribe, Taíno, was known to her sons.. (and what they thought were daughters) simply as Bibi, which means Mother.
Taíno named the island now inhabited by Puerto Rico “Borike’n,” which means “Great Land of the Valiant and Noble Lord.” The island now known as Cuba was named Caobana, which means “Place of Abundance”. Haiti was called Ayiti or Kiskeya, for which I also lack a translation.
And while I don’t talk about her in this, Trinidad was called Cari’, which means Island of the Valiant.
This sort of gives the indication that Taíno held all of her children in the highest esteem. They appeared shortly before the the Spaniards began activity on the islands, sometime shortly before 1400.
Taíno also gave her children ‘human’ names. Borike’n was named Guay (“Gweh-ee”), which means sun, and Ayiti was named Kachi, which is another name for sun. Caobana was named Bajacu’, which means Morning Light. Republica Dominicana was formed from the split of Haiti, and was named Heketi (ironically) by Guay, Kachi, and Bajacu’. Heketi means One, but Heketi was not called Heketi for long, (by anyone besides Borike’n and Ayiti) because the islands were given new names by Spain and France.
Now, before I continue, let’s consult one of the earlier headcanon posts: Guevedoches.
There is a birth defect that is very prevalent in Cuba, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic- and not in Puerto Rico.
This birth defect causes about a large percentage of the children to be born as.. ‘hermaphrodites’, in a way. The children are born appearing female, but around the age of pubescence, their real gender (male) becomes apparent.
These children are called Guevedoches. Caobana/Cuba and Dominican Republic were both Guevedoches, but Ayiti/Haiti and Borike’n/Puerto Rico were not.
So, as children, Caobana/Bajacu’ and República Dominicana both appeared to be female.
They weren’t actually.
THIS. This is Ayiti/Kiskeya/Kachi/Haiti.
He grew fastest, got the tallest, and was also the most influenced by the European and African people. As kids, he and Borike’n/Guey/Puerto Rico competed a lot for the attention of their Bibi Taíno and of Caobana/Bajacu’/Cuba.
Now, with Haiti and the Dominican Republic, I don’t think anyone can put it much better than missile-crisis did:
“Dominican Republic was just Haiti’s shadow until about 1808. After that, s/he [D.R.] started slowly growing into his/her own… thing. In 1838, D.R. was like ‘FUCK Y’ALL BITCHES, I’M A MAN NOW’ and declared independence.
Haiti was suitably freaked out that HE HAD A NATION IN HIS SHADOW FOR ALL OF ETERNITY and promptly invaded the shit out of D.R. 9 weeks later to GET HIS SHADOW BACK. And so D.R. and Haiti were stuck together for about 30 years of Haiti continuously grabbing D.R. and D.R. trying to pull away. In 1843, D.R. was still sort of sucking at the ‘how do I functional government’ thing and Haiti was still like MY SHADOW and got all up in D.R.’s business in 1844, 1845-49, 1849-55, and 1855-56.
Then, D.R. was tired of the shit. And went back to being a Spanish Colony voluntarily in 1861.
But then Haiti was like AW HELL NAH SPANIARDS ON MY ISLAND and then there was a war with Spain from ‘63-‘65 and then Spain was like FUCK ALL THIS NOISE and left.
So then there were about 5 years of chaos, and then a bunch of people were like “ANNEX TO THE U.S.?” and the U.S. was like “UM, no.”
So they got their shit sorted and still bitch at eachother a lot, but have settled into being wary roommates.”
In addition, D.R. and P.R. don’t like eachother very much. I don’t really know why.
AND NOW, ABOUT CUBA AND PUERTO RICO.
Who are total and complete bros throughout history. They were both HUGE sugar colonies, and they both fucking LOVE molasses and rum. Part of this is France’s fault.
AW MIRA LOS BEBES.
OKAY. So as stated before, Cuba was a guevedoche.
And before Puerto Rico was chill, he was kind of a hot-headed, proud little kid. He called Caobana/Cuba Liani (‘wife’) all the time (especially when he and Ayiti/Kiskeya fought for Caobana’s attention).
Even as colonies, these two traded a LOT.
Yeah, they were across the Caribbean. This did not matter. They traded A LOT. They were both sugar colonies ruled by Spain. They both produced molasses and rum. They had VERY similar cultures, similar islands, similar problems-
except for the fact that Cuba was a Guevedoche.
Borike’n was also much more resistant to the Spanish than Caobana was. While Caobana used the names the Spanish had given ‘her’, Borike’n refused to let go of their Taíno names until his people had completely settled into using Spanish.
Even after Cuba grew out of his ‘female’ Caobana self, there was still a little romantic tension- understandable when you share EVERYTHING. Including Bacardi.
Now, Puerto Rico was also bitter toward Cuba.
Puerto Rico didn’t pull off a successful rebellion against the Spanish, but Cuba did, with the help of the U.S. Americans.
Puerto Rico was freed, but didn’t get to be a nation again; he was forever a Territory.
And then, after Puerto Rico had become friends with the United States, Cuba became friends with Russia and began to hate the U.S.
This confused the hell out of Puerto Rico.
And now, for the last bit for now; Puerto Rico’s appearance.
Puerto Rico is only one year younger than Cuba, but is stuck in an eternal appearance of looking 19. He can’t get past the teenage years because he isn’t a nation, only a territory, and is dependent on the U.S. even though the U.S. doesn’t really need him.
Also, please understand: I know that more islands than those focused on in this headcanon are Taíno islands. However, I don’t have all the most reliable sources and am only focusing on the islands of Borike’n/Puerto Rico, Guanahani/Cuba, Ayiti/Haiti, and the Dominican Republic/República Dominicana.
also, pretty much all of the art in this post was done by Missile-Crisis/ oreo_ornament because I”m too damn lazy to draw them myself and she was very willing to draw these babbus.
Okay. Disclaimer over!
HERE WE GO.
Once upon a time, the Taíno tribe inhabited most of the Caribbean…
The Mother Tribe, Taíno, was known to her sons.. (and what they thought were daughters) simply as Bibi, which means Mother.
Taíno named the island now inhabited by Puerto Rico “Borike’n,” which means “Great Land of the Valiant and Noble Lord.” The island now known as Cuba was named Caobana, which means “Place of Abundance”. Haiti was called Ayiti or Kiskeya, for which I also lack a translation.
And while I don’t talk about her in this, Trinidad was called Cari’, which means Island of the Valiant.
This sort of gives the indication that Taíno held all of her children in the highest esteem. They appeared shortly before the the Spaniards began activity on the islands, sometime shortly before 1400.
Taíno also gave her children ‘human’ names. Borike’n was named Guay (“Gweh-ee”), which means sun, and Ayiti was named Kachi, which is another name for sun. Caobana was named Bajacu’, which means Morning Light. Republica Dominicana was formed from the split of Haiti, and was named Heketi (ironically) by Guay, Kachi, and Bajacu’. Heketi means One, but Heketi was not called Heketi for long, (by anyone besides Borike’n and Ayiti) because the islands were given new names by Spain and France.
Now, before I continue, let’s consult one of the earlier headcanon posts: Guevedoches.
There is a birth defect that is very prevalent in Cuba, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic- and not in Puerto Rico.
This birth defect causes about a large percentage of the children to be born as.. ‘hermaphrodites’, in a way. The children are born appearing female, but around the age of pubescence, their real gender (male) becomes apparent.
These children are called Guevedoches. Caobana/Cuba and Dominican Republic were both Guevedoches, but Ayiti/Haiti and Borike’n/Puerto Rico were not.
So, as children, Caobana/Bajacu’ and República Dominicana both appeared to be female.
They weren’t actually.
THIS. This is Ayiti/Kiskeya/Kachi/Haiti.
He grew fastest, got the tallest, and was also the most influenced by the European and African people. As kids, he and Borike’n/Guey/Puerto Rico competed a lot for the attention of their Bibi Taíno and of Caobana/Bajacu’/Cuba.
Now, with Haiti and the Dominican Republic, I don’t think anyone can put it much better than missile-crisis did:
“Dominican Republic was just Haiti’s shadow until about 1808. After that, s/he [D.R.] started slowly growing into his/her own… thing. In 1838, D.R. was like ‘FUCK Y’ALL BITCHES, I’M A MAN NOW’ and declared independence.
Haiti was suitably freaked out that HE HAD A NATION IN HIS SHADOW FOR ALL OF ETERNITY and promptly invaded the shit out of D.R. 9 weeks later to GET HIS SHADOW BACK. And so D.R. and Haiti were stuck together for about 30 years of Haiti continuously grabbing D.R. and D.R. trying to pull away. In 1843, D.R. was still sort of sucking at the ‘how do I functional government’ thing and Haiti was still like MY SHADOW and got all up in D.R.’s business in 1844, 1845-49, 1849-55, and 1855-56.
Then, D.R. was tired of the shit. And went back to being a Spanish Colony voluntarily in 1861.
But then Haiti was like AW HELL NAH SPANIARDS ON MY ISLAND and then there was a war with Spain from ‘63-‘65 and then Spain was like FUCK ALL THIS NOISE and left.
So then there were about 5 years of chaos, and then a bunch of people were like “ANNEX TO THE U.S.?” and the U.S. was like “UM, no.”
So they got their shit sorted and still bitch at eachother a lot, but have settled into being wary roommates.”
In addition, D.R. and P.R. don’t like eachother very much. I don’t really know why.
AND NOW, ABOUT CUBA AND PUERTO RICO.
Who are total and complete bros throughout history. They were both HUGE sugar colonies, and they both fucking LOVE molasses and rum. Part of this is France’s fault.
AW MIRA LOS BEBES.
OKAY. So as stated before, Cuba was a guevedoche.
And before Puerto Rico was chill, he was kind of a hot-headed, proud little kid. He called Caobana/Cuba Liani (‘wife’) all the time (especially when he and Ayiti/Kiskeya fought for Caobana’s attention).
Even as colonies, these two traded a LOT.
Yeah, they were across the Caribbean. This did not matter. They traded A LOT. They were both sugar colonies ruled by Spain. They both produced molasses and rum. They had VERY similar cultures, similar islands, similar problems-
except for the fact that Cuba was a Guevedoche.
Borike’n was also much more resistant to the Spanish than Caobana was. While Caobana used the names the Spanish had given ‘her’, Borike’n refused to let go of their Taíno names until his people had completely settled into using Spanish.
Even after Cuba grew out of his ‘female’ Caobana self, there was still a little romantic tension- understandable when you share EVERYTHING. Including Bacardi.
Now, Puerto Rico was also bitter toward Cuba.
Puerto Rico didn’t pull off a successful rebellion against the Spanish, but Cuba did, with the help of the U.S. Americans.
Puerto Rico was freed, but didn’t get to be a nation again; he was forever a Territory.
And then, after Puerto Rico had become friends with the United States, Cuba became friends with Russia and began to hate the U.S.
This confused the hell out of Puerto Rico.
And now, for the last bit for now; Puerto Rico’s appearance.
Puerto Rico is only one year younger than Cuba, but is stuck in an eternal appearance of looking 19. He can’t get past the teenage years because he isn’t a nation, only a territory, and is dependent on the U.S. even though the U.S. doesn’t really need him.