母ちゃん
I was touching up a photo of mom that I had scanned sometime last year. I stumbled on it by chance, trying to print out some verb charts to help me study but...
She was so beautiful! Even when she didn't have on any make up, I don't think there's anyone who was quite as comforting to me as she was. And I really wish that I could talk to her, because I feel so lost in the world. She wasn't just someone who could tell me it was ok, which she would. She was so intelligent and so caring about people in general. She would've been doing something to help me if I came to her, I'm sure of it. While I was still in high school, and trying to figure out what to do with my life, and which college to go to, she and dad took me to Job Link to help me get some direction. She wanted me to take those personality tests to give me some idea of what jobs I might like to do. I clearly remember I had an email from her about that. It was one of the few emails from her I ever got, and I don't think I opened it for a long time. I don't have it any more. I don't think I have very much of anything that she wrote to me. And right now I would give anything to have... some message from her.
Today I had a "retreat" with my ASB group that's going to Guatemala for Spring Break. We watched a documentary/movie called Safe Passage, about this woman who started a daycare/school type place for children whose poor parents (literally poor) live off of recycling things that are thrown into the landfill/ Guatemala City Dump. Before these single mothers or families would have their young children in the dump sifting through the filth for anything salvageable. That's where they get their food too. And most of their "houses" are constructed of things found in the dump. The Safe Passage program started out very small, on a $5000 budget that lasted for a year, and gradually more parents came to realize the importance of giving their children a safe environment, and to learn something - to read, and the kids are given small meals of things like beans and bread - even that is more nutritious than the food they were able to come by before. The woman (Kennley?) was really a kind woman, you could tell by the way she smiled when she talked and how passionate she was about this work. It was really inspiring and humbling video. But I know that my mom would have done something like that. She loved children so much. She was in the Peace Corps in Brazil and set up Occupational Therapy programs there, a lot of the time working with children. She would've... wanted to do something. I wish I could be as directed? guided? as she was.
The 3rd year is supposed to be when it gets easier, but I don't think it ever will. I think that I loved her and relied on her too much perhaps. I feel how lacking my life is every day now that she is not... not here. When she went, a chunk of me, approximately the size of 1/3 of my body, died or left. Any happiness I ever feel never lasts for very long. Any time after I've been very happy, I always feel very depressed right after, because when I'm alone that happiness ends.
Wow, depressed sounding! But I feel better now, a little... It's not that bad. I know that I'm very blessed for a myriad of reasons. I have wonderful parents, even if one is living in the Mansion Worlds where I can't contact her. [She gave me such a model to follow, such a good example that many people do not even have. Such big shoes for me to fill!] I also do not eat trash or live in a cardboard shack made from putrid filth from a dump. That said, I feel I have a responsibility to at least try to make this world better for my brothers and sisters. Right now I'm searching myself for how I can accomplish something to make my life worthy of existence.
My mom had an answer.
Now I have to make one.
(But I'm being a baby about it right now! XP )
She was so beautiful! Even when she didn't have on any make up, I don't think there's anyone who was quite as comforting to me as she was. And I really wish that I could talk to her, because I feel so lost in the world. She wasn't just someone who could tell me it was ok, which she would. She was so intelligent and so caring about people in general. She would've been doing something to help me if I came to her, I'm sure of it. While I was still in high school, and trying to figure out what to do with my life, and which college to go to, she and dad took me to Job Link to help me get some direction. She wanted me to take those personality tests to give me some idea of what jobs I might like to do. I clearly remember I had an email from her about that. It was one of the few emails from her I ever got, and I don't think I opened it for a long time. I don't have it any more. I don't think I have very much of anything that she wrote to me. And right now I would give anything to have... some message from her.
Today I had a "retreat" with my ASB group that's going to Guatemala for Spring Break. We watched a documentary/movie called Safe Passage, about this woman who started a daycare/school type place for children whose poor parents (literally poor) live off of recycling things that are thrown into the landfill/ Guatemala City Dump. Before these single mothers or families would have their young children in the dump sifting through the filth for anything salvageable. That's where they get their food too. And most of their "houses" are constructed of things found in the dump. The Safe Passage program started out very small, on a $5000 budget that lasted for a year, and gradually more parents came to realize the importance of giving their children a safe environment, and to learn something - to read, and the kids are given small meals of things like beans and bread - even that is more nutritious than the food they were able to come by before. The woman (Kennley?) was really a kind woman, you could tell by the way she smiled when she talked and how passionate she was about this work. It was really inspiring and humbling video. But I know that my mom would have done something like that. She loved children so much. She was in the Peace Corps in Brazil and set up Occupational Therapy programs there, a lot of the time working with children. She would've... wanted to do something. I wish I could be as directed? guided? as she was.
The 3rd year is supposed to be when it gets easier, but I don't think it ever will. I think that I loved her and relied on her too much perhaps. I feel how lacking my life is every day now that she is not... not here. When she went, a chunk of me, approximately the size of 1/3 of my body, died or left. Any happiness I ever feel never lasts for very long. Any time after I've been very happy, I always feel very depressed right after, because when I'm alone that happiness ends.
Wow, depressed sounding! But I feel better now, a little... It's not that bad. I know that I'm very blessed for a myriad of reasons. I have wonderful parents, even if one is living in the Mansion Worlds where I can't contact her. [She gave me such a model to follow, such a good example that many people do not even have. Such big shoes for me to fill!] I also do not eat trash or live in a cardboard shack made from putrid filth from a dump. That said, I feel I have a responsibility to at least try to make this world better for my brothers and sisters. Right now I'm searching myself for how I can accomplish something to make my life worthy of existence.
My mom had an answer.
Now I have to make one.
(But I'm being a baby about it right now! XP )