His...name: 1 - 13
I decided to post one of my AU kurofai stories here at my journal. It’s a multichapter and it would take me quite some time to translate it all from the original ( Polish ) version, so I decided to translate only the first part of the fic, and then wait and see if there’s any point of doing it any further.
Title: His...name
Pairing: Kurogane x OC Nihon!Yuui ( with heavy mention of Kurogane x Fai in the background )
Rating: M
Warnings: character death, AU, BL ( obviously... ) ; spoilers for the series up until the Clow arc.
Genre: Angst...most of the time.
Summary: A “what-if” post-series Nihon setting. Fai dies before the journey ends. Devastated Kurogane comes back to Nihon alone, only to meet there Fai’s Nihon counterpart, or Nihon!Yuui. Kurogane takes it as some kind of bad joke, but the things aren’t even funny anymore as it turns out that Nihon!Yuui seems to truly feel for Kurogane, probably convinced they are meant for each other. Kurogane’s hurt and Yuui’s yearning clash, inflicting more and more pain upon one another. Was there really no meaning to their encounter, besides the suffering and misunderstanding? Was it really too late for the two of them when they met?
Notes: Done in collaboration with Shinsei ( mainly in charge of Kuro-sama’s role ).
The idea for this fanfiction was inspired by “The Enchanter” by mystofthestars.
01 [ Not well - matched ]
Guess what?
It’s always been so unfair. Ever since the very beginning.
Just one look at me was enough for you to make certain that you wanted never to have anything to do with me until your dying day.
Just one look at you was enough for me to make certain that I would live for only you until my dying day.
02 [ A soldier who gave up the fight ]
I was constantly concerned with princess Tomoyo, trying to figure out the reason for her permanent sadness. What else may you wish for if you have so great a shinobi by your side, to guard you and defend you?
I still wouldn’t connect it within my mind with my own self and the way you used to treat me, even though I was all too aware of the ferocious and seemingly disinterested hatred you lavished me with.
But soon the Princess explained it to me herself. She told me that a few months before you had come back home from a very long journey that had changed you a lot. As she put it, this journey gifted you with the utmost happiness that a human being could possess, only to deprieve you of the very same happiness later on.
It’s noteworthy that already then - instead of pity or compassion - I could only feel the admiration for you growing in my heart, admiration for your skilled endurance, never failing to turn a wreckage of a man into an unyielding warrior.
03 [ Yesterdays got nothing ]
We happened to end up in the same workplace - as a result I found you trying even harder to confirm and prove to me that I was not welcome in your life. I am stubborn by nature, and your malevolence of a maniac would only encourage me to keep forcing my way into where I was so uninvited.
It was not until that day when a badly wounded you would not let me visit him nor accept a gift I made especially for you - a powerful shield by means of which I could have at last my chance to protect you, though indirectly - that I realized how high and steep was that wall I had to face.
All that time you wouldn’t cease to be beautiful, strong and all impressive, so much that it even felt as if you were being like this just in spite of me. You wouldn’t let me forget, even for a moment, why I had fallen for you so much.
04 [ Save yourself ]
My eye got wounded - I was on the verge of actually losing it. The scar will be marring me for the rest of my life ( although I cheer myself up with the thought that thanks to it I’ll finally start to look more manly ).
The wound hurt and was troublesome. I truly - naively and subconsciously, yet truly - hoped for you calling upon me, or worrying about my condition. I hoped for you letting me know, faint and scarce as it could have been - that after all you didn’t hate me all that much, that you didn’t wish me all the worst, nor that I was that drastically...indifferent to you.
But as soon as you saw me with the dressing over my eye, you were stunned. And then you replied to my hello smile by turning away blatantly, and with even more disgust than you showed normally.
Soon after that we came back to the capital. There, the Princess told me the story about you and That One.
Only then did I find out that my left eye may have been damaged, and its functioning distorted, but anyway it could shed the tears in a quite normal way. That saltiness irked those wounds which were yet to be healed.
05 [ Anything for you ]
My point about having already learned of your past brought me some quite immediate results. Try as you might to show your usual ignorance towards both me and my freshly gained knowledge, it was undeniable that for the first time you agreed for any form of dialogue between you and me, though it seemed only a temporary agreement.
I had this moment of satisfaction as I managed yet again to paint the shock on your handsome face with my very own hand, removing my eye-band only to reveal before you that I had not lost my eye, and that I had a long, narrow scar stretching all the way down from my eyebrow instead... Not an empty eye-socket, which That One was said to have had.
You still don’t care about me, and to you I’m just a bundle of all bad things. But anyway, you did talk to me, and by doing so you grew aware of my existence and my presence in your world, regardless of whether you like it or not. You’re not going to get rid of this awareness so easily now.
My eyes - both of them - keep gazing upon you all days long in silence, immobile, never straying away from you. They stare at the man who melts his sorrow into his strength and turns his weakness into his pride. Doing completely nothing, you are everything to me. And on the contrary, I am nothing to you, although I do - I guess - absolutely everything.
You could just as well close your eyes, forget who’s beside you and then take everything from him. You could, but that wouldn’t be you anymore. You never close your eyes, nor even look away. You can’t seem to lose yourself either.
And that all - the exact way you are - has me in too deep and intoxicates me with you at the same time, hopelessly.
06 [ Don’t belong in heaven ]
The appearances might suggest that you have learned how to tolerate me, especially if it’s only for a short period of time, and provided we’re not on our own. Actually it often happens that we go out to drink together, or publicly exchange banter - meaning precisely that I banter with you, and you react with scenes of rage that are enthusiastically cheered on by the courtiers of the Princess and the Empress. Yes, it does happen frequently enough to entitle me to call it a part of our everyday life.
But then again I must admit that your “take a look around the world and get yourself someone just for you, because I can’t give you anything” suggestion was a very cunning and efficient euphemism for “screw off and get out of my life forever”. Exactly because I was told it in such a delicate way, and the words were so ambiguous that they were almost enough to make me think you said that out of sheer concern for me, purely for my sake...
I wanted to start out on a journey right there and then, but after all I found I was not in such a hurry to leave this place - to leave you. I’ve got a few months left until the end of my contract at the Princess’ court, and I’m going to fulfill all my duties well.
...I know that I only bring mayhem to your life, and that my existence and my love are no more than an ulcer on your conscience. If I ever am to help you, I will do my best just by disappearing from here.
The thought of it crushes me from the inside, because for years I have been clinging to this lifetime tightly, thinking that if someone like me is to stay alive, the only way to justify and redeem it would be - living for somebody’s case.
07 [ I’ll carry the weight of you ]
We bade a cold and polite farewell, just as one would expect from accidental acquaintances rather benevolent towards each other, yet not for a moment forgetting the distance separating them. Nothing personal. Nothing exceeding the well-mannered patterns. “Thanks for the previous year.” “Not at all, take care.” “You take care too.” “Right...Give my regards to your brother.”
And the last one. “Farewell...Kurogane.”
It was the first time I called you with your full name. Not “Kuro-sama”. Not the way That One used to call you.
I didn’t count on you stopping me, and so I tried to get out of there as fast as I could. Fast enough not to begin to feed myself with false hopes, or to break any of my steady, breakthrough resolutions, and then crumble.
For a moment I thought that it was merely a freak of my imagination, but it all was just so real: the powerful, crushing even, grab on my wrist, your scent right beside me, and your low, strong voice flowing straight into my ear.
“Stay.”
“As you wish”, I replied instinctively, like an actor who knows his lines in the play so well that he can repeat them mechanically.
08 [ Do what we have to do ]
And so I became your part-time multifunctional housekeeper, which means I spend with you almost all of the time that isn’t consumed by my regular work. I clean your house, cook the meals, and take care of you as much as I can. ...Or, precisely, take care of you as much as you allow me to.
I try to make your everyday life more colourful with the pieces of my absurd and my silly sense of humour, keeping you ever so close to me - close enough not to let you think too much about the past and about That One...
So I do what I have to do. I do whatever I can.
You also do what you’re supposed to. You guard the Princess and the safety of this land, keeping your supremacy as the most mighty warrior of the whole Nihon country.
I’m somewhere in the background of that, probably at the end of the line, but still - I am right there. I have finally come to picture myself beside you.
And it seems as well- some outrageous blespheme it may be, but still I somehow feel entiteled to claim so - that you have come to notice me beside yourself, too.
09 [ Angels who won’t return ]
Everything was so beautiful that today I don’t understand anymore why I let myself be fooled like that. Why was it that I played That One with such zest, that I pretended to be That One and tried to replace him for your sake, when just one chance was enough for you to throw yourself into death’s embrace and nearly join him - join That One?...
I knelt by the matress where your body was laid - the body which was devastated, but still showing at least outer appearances of physical existence - and, gripping your tightly entwined in the bandages hand, I prayed for the gods not to take you away from me yet. Not there and not then, when I actually hadn’t managed to do anything for you yet, nor had I proved to you that you had not been born in vain, that it was so lucky for us to have met...
And you would toss and turn and wriggle in your unconscious dream, but for the first time the beautiful features of your face were filled with some true bliss, even with a kind of elation I could not even imagine before. I didn’t understand why the sudden change, and so I kept wondering about it. Was it that only now you had forgotten about your pain, now that you had been freed from the burden of your consciousness?
So engrossed in my thoughts, among all my shaking emotions, I must have forgotten the simplest possible explanation. Indeed, the revelation only came when with your parched lips you whispered “I love you...”, and I realized everything perfectly in an instant.
Realized what you were saing, and to whom, and that it was not me.
For a moment my shivering concern for you was overcome by the bloodlust. I didn’t care that That One was already dead, I would have gladly killed him once more. Was everything that he had owned up to now not enough for him? Did he really have to take away from me the things I still had left, or at least fooled myself into believing that I still had them?
As I saw the tears emerging in the corners of your eyes, I was brought back to reality. Those were your eyes full of pride, the eyes that would reveal to the world not a single drop, should you have had the chance to control yourself and watch over each and every step you took, as you always did.
It was them that reminded me what I was there for. Not to destroy that which you held dear and to claim everything for myself greedily, but to protect and cherish everything that happened to still matter to you, and to selflessly give away everything you might want to accept, if ever there was to be such a thing.
“I love you. Don’t you die”, I called to you in an almost unknowing manner, even though I knew perfectly I was not supposed to do that, as it was not me who you were addressing your words to. Somehow I didn’t care all that much about that. I hoped for my desperate call to reach you against all odds.
I shivered and then grew numb in disbelief as your hand suddenly moved and reached out to my cheek, just to touch it tenderly, carressingly...
...And then, as the light peeked under your slightly opened eyelids, you found out who you had to do with. The disgust and disappointment painted on your face so clearly made a picture that will be torturing me in my dreams for the rest of my days. No matter how many of them I have got left.
You looked as if you wanted to yell straight into my face: why is it only you?! Why you’re not him, you...you jerk?!
If you had asked that out loud, I wouldn’t have known how to reply, or what to say at all.
I hate it so much to feel powerless, especially when it is related to you - and yet you made me grow used to this feeling so well...
So I just left, hiding deep in my throat my own scream, my tears of regret and objection to you never taking any notice of me, and questioning if I really meant so little to you that you would always risk your life and try to give it up, because you seem so unhappy that after all you made it through, and it’s a two hundred percent guarantee that you will do that again sooner or later.
...You would refuse to listen to any of those, right?
You didn’t even try to stop me from leaving.
10 [ If you think that you can’t stay with me ]
I did something disgraceful, but it was only because of me totally losing my grip. I realize it may be a poor excuse. However, you should take into account that it was the first time during our a year and a half long relationship when something like that happened to me before you. That’s right - out of all those incountable wars I waged against my own self that was the first one I lost.
Yes, I know, that makes it one time too much.
I really did swear to myself that I would be strong - for you, and that I would know how to use that strength - being by your side. During those long hours of that night that seemed to last forever I kept wandering alone through the fast asleep city, intoxicated with my own despair, and I endlessly kept promising to myself that I could make it. That although I could never be the one you wanted to see in me, I could make it nonetheless, and should there be anything in your life you could still yearn for, I would be the one to give it to you.
But when we met again - meaning: when you were strong enough for such conversations both physically and mentally - and you didn’t even try to hide that you still wanted to die, and that sooner or later you would do the same thing again, trying to indirectly take away your own life...Then I could stand no more.
Because everything I did was in vain.
Because my existence was useless for my most precious person, who couldn’t be convinced by anything just how much his own life was worth. And because of this, every step I took was merely...in a wrong direction.
I sobbed into your arm that moaning, pathetic “Don’t leave me!”, even though no more than a few minutes before I had been struggling to be brave and explained to you in a cheerful tone that the choice was yours to make, that I was not going to stop you, that you would do whatever you wanted and needed the most. Or that I was capable of granting you that much freedom because I was so selfless, and oh-so-noble, and so unselfishly thought about you alone.
You tried to calm me down, probably terrified by such an open display of hysteria performed by me. It was only that you assuring me that you would come to pick me when I die, the same way That One was supposed to do for you when you died first, eventually pushed me into even greater despair.
“Nobody...nobody’s going to pick me!...I only have here and now, Kuro-sama, only the time that I’d be given to spend with you in this world, and not a second more!...”
Thus blackmailed and full of pity, you grew gentle and finally let go. You told me you would think your decision over just once more - and you were so thoughtful towards me, so full of compassion and misery, even though a few seconds before you could see nothing more than your own suffering and desire for death.
Well, you can’t really keep me satisfied. I’ve got a distaste in my mouth, instead of satisfaction - and also a sense of humilitation, stronger than it’s ever been before.
11 [ You’ve seen it all ]
How sad a man have you got to be if the sight of this year’s newly blossomed cherry trees brings you no joy? To what extent do you have to be filled with sense of hopelessness if you see the new blossoms and they don’t move you in any way, nor do you care what they will be like the following year?
“There’s nothing left that I could or would see anymore.” You were irritated and more gloomy than your average when you woke up and found me adorning your room with the twiggies of the fresh blossoms. And as I let myself remark innocently that you just didn’t want to see and accept the beauty of this year’s flowers, because that would equal you admitting them being not inferior to those you had seen in the previous years and to whom you were so blindly attached - your melancholy turned into rage which, full of apathy as it may have seemed, I could sense very well under my skin with every gaze of yours, every word that you retorted, and every unwilling gesture.
“I’ve seen places no one will ever see, and not many have a clue that they even exist...I’ve seen the people, I’ve seen the things that shouldn’t have happend and are too hard to understand. What else do you want me to see?”
Say, myself, and both of us, what we can be for each other and what we can make out of each other if we can survive through those darkest moments - I’d gladly have replied to you thus, but I lacked the nerve, the imprudence to tell you things that made you feel like throwing up, and miss That One even more...provided your longing for him could even get any stronger, that is.
I made sure it was right of me that I kept such radical confessions on the inside. You curtly put to a halt even my subtle suggestions that it would be interesting to know what you could become in the faraway time and space.
“I know myself, I know who I am and who I can become. Whatever I could achieve, I’ve already done that.”
Do you know what I felt like doing the most when I heard you say such things? It was throwing myself into your embrace, pulling you strong to myself and smashing you in my puny arms. And screaming out loud what an idiot you were, never appreciating your own strength and nobleness, and an egoist who so selfishly wanted to devoid the world ( me ) of it all.
And then spreading my kisses lavishly all over your body, until all the tears would ooze through my lips - those tears you have never cried, or those that you never show me...
But still that one reluctant - and at the same time completely indifferent - look of yours is enough to make my desires come crashing down like bubbles, one by one.
“You’re bitter, aren’t you, Kuro-sama. It’s not that you’ve seen it all. It’s only that your bitternes made you blind”, I summed up our pointless discussion; this conclusion tore us apart with a steel cold wedge, as if we hadn’t drifted apart far enough before.
I loathed you for being so beautiful in your solitude, so astounding as you pushed everything away and choked on your pain. And the further you stray, the stranger to me you become, the more I long for you.
...And so, even though there have been many times up to now when I ceased to believe that my existence might be of any use to you, or that I might be of any help to you - I just keep telling myself to be strong and wait for my own chance.
12 [ Total eclipse ]
I scared myself.
I probably scared myself more than what I had committed was worth it. True, fantasies about drinking your beloved one’s blood or about touching wounded skin with your lips or tongue should already be defined as deviations. And not only that - such deviations usually win rather scarce popularity, because most of the decent specimen of the human kind would feel repelled by them. But still, unless such fantasies incline towards the desire to inflict the pain on your partner, there is nothing that outrageous about that, is there?
I keep trying to convince myself about that, and still - I am deeply shocked about what I did. For most part, though, I could justify my deed, saying that my own will didn’t quite seem responsible for all that. Quite the contrary, it was some kind of inner incentive that made me do it, something primary and yet stronger than me myself.
It was just that when I saw the blood oozing through your clothes from the crack in your stitch ( as one could have expected, you didn’t have much mercy on yourself, even though you had not recovered yet since that time you were on the brink of death - well, you yourself did claim that it was sitting idly withing the four walls of your room that killed you even more ), the sight and the scent of it intoxicated me. Without giving it any thought I folded your blood- stained sleeve and lavishly sunk my lips into the sticky, bitter liquid...
...and it was only for your tense, terrified gaze that I came back to reality. Yes, that was the very first time I ever saw actual fear in your ruby eyes. Your massive body grew all stiff, defensively, as if you were preparing yourself for some kind of attack, and then your lips retorted this cold but pleading, brief command. I still find myself flushing morbidly with the blush of humiliation and puzzlement as I recall it.
“Stop it.”
You wouldn’t even raise your voice, nor push me away, nor start to tug on me and call me a crazy pervert - there was nothing of the sort. And perhaps it was precisely out of this reason more than anything else that made me feel panic about what I did and realize how infinitely unforgivable what I did was. Had you reacted in your normal way, the way one could expect from you, I would certainly feel ashamed and mad at myself being such a savage, but I would come to terms with it sooner or later. But it was not to be. And your quiet, desperate “stop it” is still resounding in my head and makes it feel heavy in an unbearable way. Your anger would be a kind of redemption to me, but your fear only multiplies uncountably my sense of shame - and guilt.
Now I cannot bring myself to look into the mirror, and even more so into your eyes. Their surface always used to be so clean and clear, they would reflect everything without any lies nor falsehood, without adorning anything. This is why they had always appealed to me and fascinated me, but also made me feel anxious. I really refuse to find out what exactly I would have seen within them back then as they fixed their stare at me, and my lips still dripping with the scarlet, not so long ago.
I don’t know what I am to do about it, I don’t know where to go. I think I got lost.
And there’s only this one thought that clings to me and won’t let go. Which is that your reaction towards my slightly perverted faux pas was this desperate solely because it must have... invited to your head the memories of That One.
And whatever kind of memories are those, they will always be strong enough to make me unable to push them away off your mesmerizing eyes, anyway.
13 [ Why me?...]
I played all my cards and I think I don’t have anything left for you anymore. If that was not what you wanted, then what else could you wish for?...
You’re glad, aren’t you? You’re glad that I gave up, finally and after all, right? This is what you had been driving at ever since we met. You would consequently aim to reject me, to discourage me and convince me that there was no place for me beside you.
And so, as I was staring day by day at that powerless, passive despair, that bitter torpor of a man who was forbidden to die at his own hand purely by his honour, sense of duty and the innate, firm differentiation between what should be called courage and what should be called cowardice - it was then that I made my hysterical decision to be of any use for you for once, undeniably and ultimately, even if it meant for us to part forever.
As the Princess was telling me about your past, about those strange yet miraculous ( and mainly tragic in their consequences ) journeys through the time and space, she also mentioned your “means of transport”. The “Dimension Witch” and her “wish store”, where you colud have your wish granted as long as you provided the appropriate payment for it. Back then, being just a witness to your dramatic state, I longed with all my might to get to that “wish store” at any cost, really no matter the price I would have to pay - the price for the journey itself and for realizing my wish to help you in any way.
I was lucky enough, because the Princess is a powerful mage herself. And so I was able to reach the destination with no great effort.
I explained what the purpose of my arrival was to the sorcerer who resided there and was in charge of running the “business”. Initially I was going to resurrect That One, but he taught me that it was not possible. Bringing the dead back to life, he claimed, was severely prohibited. That stood for the only one out of all the rules governing the universe that under no circumstances was ever allowed to be broken.
After a brief yet efficient discussion we managed to reach a compromise sufficient to solve the problem. The compromise was to turn back time, back to the final moments of That One’s life, so that you could save him and bring him back with you here, to the country of Nihon. In order to achieve that, both of us - me and you - would have had to pay the compound price. For you it would mean exchanging for That One your sense of sight or something of equal value, which didn’t quite make me happy. I had no intention whatsoever to do you a favor that seemed to have more to do with harm and mutilation; the mere thought of those gorgeous, lively eyes suddenly darkened and shut against all the light made me shiver inside. However, after giving it a little thought, I felt convinced. After all, the most important part was for you to agree to the conditions, and with all of your determination to get him back you sure would be prepared for such extremes as well...Besides, the only thing that counted would be to rescue That One, and once it was accomplished, he would take good care of you, right? You would be in his good hands, safe and, once and for all, happy. I felt slight disgust at myself believing in That One so much that I was ready to entrust you to him on such a breakthrough occasion, or letting you stay together happily ever after so easily, but still, your happiness was the thing I cared about the most, was it not?...
As for me and my own payment - I might have given up some part of my health or fitness, and I would have gladly done so, had it not been for my sudden fear of your reaction. Your pride wouldn’t bear it if I were to drive myself into physical disability for your sake, and you would never ever accept such a sacrifice, would you? And the sorcerer actually assured me that I had something way more valuable to offer, something that would even pay with interest the price of turning back the time.
In fact, that “something” would include two separate prices to be paid on my part. The first one was supposed to be my memories of you: everything we had ever shared, our whole relationship and my awareness of someone like you ever having come across my life would have to disappear and vanish irreversibly. The other:... the future course of my life, directed in that “new” time in such a way that I would never be able to see you again.
Seems plain and clear, doesn’t it? You’re the most valuable thing I have ever had, and so you’re the most valuable thing I could possibly give up. What’s more, if I were not to remember you anymore, I would have no way to realize what I lost and what was torn apart from me with my own consent. And so the hurt itself would last only until the moment of making the wish come true, or turning back the time, correct? And then the nightmare would be over, both for you and me, and we would be living our long, carefree lives happily and separately, and...
...and somehow, after I thought the sorcerer’s offer over and with a calm smile articulated the single word: “Deal”, and as my own voice resounded in my ears...
...I felt as if in my chest I had a bleeding cavity, writhing as if in a frenzy, instead of a heart.
And what your answer was?
“No. No way. I don’t want to, it’s too risky.” It sounds like some kind of summary, but in fact to our “debate” there really wasn’t much more than such replies from you. I put “debate” in the inverted commas, as there occurred no actual clash of interests between us. Somehow I found I had nothing on my hands to persuade you to after all do turn back the time. Nor the energy, nor the willpower, nor the confidence in my own arguments.
It was no matter how much I yearned for you to owe something to me at last... - or maybe it was precisely because of that?...
What’s the sacrifice on my part anyway, if in fact I was only thinking about myself all the time, wanting myself to mean anything to you even for a moment, even if I was to force it onto you.
And deep in the back of my mind, deep under my skin, but - as I see it now - definitely, I hoped for you to show any interest at the very least in the price I would be supposed to pay for helping you fulfil your wish. I hoped that you would ask me what it was and call me a stupid jerk who gets rid of his most treasured possession just like that, and maybe that you would even tell me I was brave...
After all, ever since that day I miraculously survived, the tormented kid, one of the cursed twins - I had seen this one and only purpose to my life, the goal that would wash me clean of the burden of guilt, sin and redundancy. It was to fall in love and to give to that person all the things I had taken from the world before, be it deliberately or against my own will, be it my dearest ones or complete strangers.
Oh, right. Fortunately, it seems you didn’t notice anything - I was afraid you would be mad if you found out, but I guess I kind of overestimated you. You didn’t scrutinize me all that much, and after all, why would you even bother to look at me? It must have spared me another exciting experience of your anger. And that’s because my left leg is wrapped in bandages and as I move, I pull it from behind like some inert object, like a useless stub. I had thought up a detailed and possibly plausible justification, featuring heavy iron bars falling on my leg and hitting it hard, in other words - an accident in the workshop. I was really nervous about the justification being lame and unbelievable, and that you would immediatly see through my little lies and explode in an even worse fit of rage.
...But that wasn’t necessary at all. I think I should be glad.
I have no idea how I should ever explain to you the truth that I gave up the feeling in my left leg - from the knee downwards - in order to pay my “travel expenses”, that is to cover up the cost of getting back here from the sorcerer’s store.
And now at least this problem is out of my head. As I took my leave, you didn’t try to stop me, and so...
...sure, you could “make sure to call me anytime if you happen to change your mind, hyu”, but in spite of that - it seems that this time it is really over.
-----
A/N: Comments are welcome and appreciated, also if you find someting weird or incorrect about my English, so that I can make it right. <3 Just don’t be too harsh on Yuui, he is a sensitive soul ( Kuro-sama would probably call it “hysterical” ) and takes all the criticism to himself. Be kind and he’ll give you a mental cookie, hyuu! ^w^ Or so he says.
Title: His...name
Pairing: Kurogane x OC Nihon!Yuui ( with heavy mention of Kurogane x Fai in the background )
Rating: M
Warnings: character death, AU, BL ( obviously... ) ; spoilers for the series up until the Clow arc.
Genre: Angst...most of the time.
Summary: A “what-if” post-series Nihon setting. Fai dies before the journey ends. Devastated Kurogane comes back to Nihon alone, only to meet there Fai’s Nihon counterpart, or Nihon!Yuui. Kurogane takes it as some kind of bad joke, but the things aren’t even funny anymore as it turns out that Nihon!Yuui seems to truly feel for Kurogane, probably convinced they are meant for each other. Kurogane’s hurt and Yuui’s yearning clash, inflicting more and more pain upon one another. Was there really no meaning to their encounter, besides the suffering and misunderstanding? Was it really too late for the two of them when they met?
Notes: Done in collaboration with Shinsei ( mainly in charge of Kuro-sama’s role ).
The idea for this fanfiction was inspired by “The Enchanter” by mystofthestars.
01 [ Not well - matched ]
Guess what?
It’s always been so unfair. Ever since the very beginning.
Just one look at me was enough for you to make certain that you wanted never to have anything to do with me until your dying day.
Just one look at you was enough for me to make certain that I would live for only you until my dying day.
02 [ A soldier who gave up the fight ]
I was constantly concerned with princess Tomoyo, trying to figure out the reason for her permanent sadness. What else may you wish for if you have so great a shinobi by your side, to guard you and defend you?
I still wouldn’t connect it within my mind with my own self and the way you used to treat me, even though I was all too aware of the ferocious and seemingly disinterested hatred you lavished me with.
But soon the Princess explained it to me herself. She told me that a few months before you had come back home from a very long journey that had changed you a lot. As she put it, this journey gifted you with the utmost happiness that a human being could possess, only to deprieve you of the very same happiness later on.
It’s noteworthy that already then - instead of pity or compassion - I could only feel the admiration for you growing in my heart, admiration for your skilled endurance, never failing to turn a wreckage of a man into an unyielding warrior.
03 [ Yesterdays got nothing ]
We happened to end up in the same workplace - as a result I found you trying even harder to confirm and prove to me that I was not welcome in your life. I am stubborn by nature, and your malevolence of a maniac would only encourage me to keep forcing my way into where I was so uninvited.
It was not until that day when a badly wounded you would not let me visit him nor accept a gift I made especially for you - a powerful shield by means of which I could have at last my chance to protect you, though indirectly - that I realized how high and steep was that wall I had to face.
All that time you wouldn’t cease to be beautiful, strong and all impressive, so much that it even felt as if you were being like this just in spite of me. You wouldn’t let me forget, even for a moment, why I had fallen for you so much.
04 [ Save yourself ]
My eye got wounded - I was on the verge of actually losing it. The scar will be marring me for the rest of my life ( although I cheer myself up with the thought that thanks to it I’ll finally start to look more manly ).
The wound hurt and was troublesome. I truly - naively and subconsciously, yet truly - hoped for you calling upon me, or worrying about my condition. I hoped for you letting me know, faint and scarce as it could have been - that after all you didn’t hate me all that much, that you didn’t wish me all the worst, nor that I was that drastically...indifferent to you.
But as soon as you saw me with the dressing over my eye, you were stunned. And then you replied to my hello smile by turning away blatantly, and with even more disgust than you showed normally.
Soon after that we came back to the capital. There, the Princess told me the story about you and That One.
Only then did I find out that my left eye may have been damaged, and its functioning distorted, but anyway it could shed the tears in a quite normal way. That saltiness irked those wounds which were yet to be healed.
05 [ Anything for you ]
My point about having already learned of your past brought me some quite immediate results. Try as you might to show your usual ignorance towards both me and my freshly gained knowledge, it was undeniable that for the first time you agreed for any form of dialogue between you and me, though it seemed only a temporary agreement.
I had this moment of satisfaction as I managed yet again to paint the shock on your handsome face with my very own hand, removing my eye-band only to reveal before you that I had not lost my eye, and that I had a long, narrow scar stretching all the way down from my eyebrow instead... Not an empty eye-socket, which That One was said to have had.
You still don’t care about me, and to you I’m just a bundle of all bad things. But anyway, you did talk to me, and by doing so you grew aware of my existence and my presence in your world, regardless of whether you like it or not. You’re not going to get rid of this awareness so easily now.
My eyes - both of them - keep gazing upon you all days long in silence, immobile, never straying away from you. They stare at the man who melts his sorrow into his strength and turns his weakness into his pride. Doing completely nothing, you are everything to me. And on the contrary, I am nothing to you, although I do - I guess - absolutely everything.
You could just as well close your eyes, forget who’s beside you and then take everything from him. You could, but that wouldn’t be you anymore. You never close your eyes, nor even look away. You can’t seem to lose yourself either.
And that all - the exact way you are - has me in too deep and intoxicates me with you at the same time, hopelessly.
06 [ Don’t belong in heaven ]
The appearances might suggest that you have learned how to tolerate me, especially if it’s only for a short period of time, and provided we’re not on our own. Actually it often happens that we go out to drink together, or publicly exchange banter - meaning precisely that I banter with you, and you react with scenes of rage that are enthusiastically cheered on by the courtiers of the Princess and the Empress. Yes, it does happen frequently enough to entitle me to call it a part of our everyday life.
But then again I must admit that your “take a look around the world and get yourself someone just for you, because I can’t give you anything” suggestion was a very cunning and efficient euphemism for “screw off and get out of my life forever”. Exactly because I was told it in such a delicate way, and the words were so ambiguous that they were almost enough to make me think you said that out of sheer concern for me, purely for my sake...
I wanted to start out on a journey right there and then, but after all I found I was not in such a hurry to leave this place - to leave you. I’ve got a few months left until the end of my contract at the Princess’ court, and I’m going to fulfill all my duties well.
...I know that I only bring mayhem to your life, and that my existence and my love are no more than an ulcer on your conscience. If I ever am to help you, I will do my best just by disappearing from here.
The thought of it crushes me from the inside, because for years I have been clinging to this lifetime tightly, thinking that if someone like me is to stay alive, the only way to justify and redeem it would be - living for somebody’s case.
07 [ I’ll carry the weight of you ]
We bade a cold and polite farewell, just as one would expect from accidental acquaintances rather benevolent towards each other, yet not for a moment forgetting the distance separating them. Nothing personal. Nothing exceeding the well-mannered patterns. “Thanks for the previous year.” “Not at all, take care.” “You take care too.” “Right...Give my regards to your brother.”
And the last one. “Farewell...Kurogane.”
It was the first time I called you with your full name. Not “Kuro-sama”. Not the way That One used to call you.
I didn’t count on you stopping me, and so I tried to get out of there as fast as I could. Fast enough not to begin to feed myself with false hopes, or to break any of my steady, breakthrough resolutions, and then crumble.
For a moment I thought that it was merely a freak of my imagination, but it all was just so real: the powerful, crushing even, grab on my wrist, your scent right beside me, and your low, strong voice flowing straight into my ear.
“Stay.”
“As you wish”, I replied instinctively, like an actor who knows his lines in the play so well that he can repeat them mechanically.
08 [ Do what we have to do ]
And so I became your part-time multifunctional housekeeper, which means I spend with you almost all of the time that isn’t consumed by my regular work. I clean your house, cook the meals, and take care of you as much as I can. ...Or, precisely, take care of you as much as you allow me to.
I try to make your everyday life more colourful with the pieces of my absurd and my silly sense of humour, keeping you ever so close to me - close enough not to let you think too much about the past and about That One...
So I do what I have to do. I do whatever I can.
You also do what you’re supposed to. You guard the Princess and the safety of this land, keeping your supremacy as the most mighty warrior of the whole Nihon country.
I’m somewhere in the background of that, probably at the end of the line, but still - I am right there. I have finally come to picture myself beside you.
And it seems as well- some outrageous blespheme it may be, but still I somehow feel entiteled to claim so - that you have come to notice me beside yourself, too.
09 [ Angels who won’t return ]
Everything was so beautiful that today I don’t understand anymore why I let myself be fooled like that. Why was it that I played That One with such zest, that I pretended to be That One and tried to replace him for your sake, when just one chance was enough for you to throw yourself into death’s embrace and nearly join him - join That One?...
I knelt by the matress where your body was laid - the body which was devastated, but still showing at least outer appearances of physical existence - and, gripping your tightly entwined in the bandages hand, I prayed for the gods not to take you away from me yet. Not there and not then, when I actually hadn’t managed to do anything for you yet, nor had I proved to you that you had not been born in vain, that it was so lucky for us to have met...
And you would toss and turn and wriggle in your unconscious dream, but for the first time the beautiful features of your face were filled with some true bliss, even with a kind of elation I could not even imagine before. I didn’t understand why the sudden change, and so I kept wondering about it. Was it that only now you had forgotten about your pain, now that you had been freed from the burden of your consciousness?
So engrossed in my thoughts, among all my shaking emotions, I must have forgotten the simplest possible explanation. Indeed, the revelation only came when with your parched lips you whispered “I love you...”, and I realized everything perfectly in an instant.
Realized what you were saing, and to whom, and that it was not me.
For a moment my shivering concern for you was overcome by the bloodlust. I didn’t care that That One was already dead, I would have gladly killed him once more. Was everything that he had owned up to now not enough for him? Did he really have to take away from me the things I still had left, or at least fooled myself into believing that I still had them?
As I saw the tears emerging in the corners of your eyes, I was brought back to reality. Those were your eyes full of pride, the eyes that would reveal to the world not a single drop, should you have had the chance to control yourself and watch over each and every step you took, as you always did.
It was them that reminded me what I was there for. Not to destroy that which you held dear and to claim everything for myself greedily, but to protect and cherish everything that happened to still matter to you, and to selflessly give away everything you might want to accept, if ever there was to be such a thing.
“I love you. Don’t you die”, I called to you in an almost unknowing manner, even though I knew perfectly I was not supposed to do that, as it was not me who you were addressing your words to. Somehow I didn’t care all that much about that. I hoped for my desperate call to reach you against all odds.
I shivered and then grew numb in disbelief as your hand suddenly moved and reached out to my cheek, just to touch it tenderly, carressingly...
...And then, as the light peeked under your slightly opened eyelids, you found out who you had to do with. The disgust and disappointment painted on your face so clearly made a picture that will be torturing me in my dreams for the rest of my days. No matter how many of them I have got left.
You looked as if you wanted to yell straight into my face: why is it only you?! Why you’re not him, you...you jerk?!
If you had asked that out loud, I wouldn’t have known how to reply, or what to say at all.
I hate it so much to feel powerless, especially when it is related to you - and yet you made me grow used to this feeling so well...
So I just left, hiding deep in my throat my own scream, my tears of regret and objection to you never taking any notice of me, and questioning if I really meant so little to you that you would always risk your life and try to give it up, because you seem so unhappy that after all you made it through, and it’s a two hundred percent guarantee that you will do that again sooner or later.
...You would refuse to listen to any of those, right?
You didn’t even try to stop me from leaving.
10 [ If you think that you can’t stay with me ]
I did something disgraceful, but it was only because of me totally losing my grip. I realize it may be a poor excuse. However, you should take into account that it was the first time during our a year and a half long relationship when something like that happened to me before you. That’s right - out of all those incountable wars I waged against my own self that was the first one I lost.
Yes, I know, that makes it one time too much.
I really did swear to myself that I would be strong - for you, and that I would know how to use that strength - being by your side. During those long hours of that night that seemed to last forever I kept wandering alone through the fast asleep city, intoxicated with my own despair, and I endlessly kept promising to myself that I could make it. That although I could never be the one you wanted to see in me, I could make it nonetheless, and should there be anything in your life you could still yearn for, I would be the one to give it to you.
But when we met again - meaning: when you were strong enough for such conversations both physically and mentally - and you didn’t even try to hide that you still wanted to die, and that sooner or later you would do the same thing again, trying to indirectly take away your own life...Then I could stand no more.
Because everything I did was in vain.
Because my existence was useless for my most precious person, who couldn’t be convinced by anything just how much his own life was worth. And because of this, every step I took was merely...in a wrong direction.
I sobbed into your arm that moaning, pathetic “Don’t leave me!”, even though no more than a few minutes before I had been struggling to be brave and explained to you in a cheerful tone that the choice was yours to make, that I was not going to stop you, that you would do whatever you wanted and needed the most. Or that I was capable of granting you that much freedom because I was so selfless, and oh-so-noble, and so unselfishly thought about you alone.
You tried to calm me down, probably terrified by such an open display of hysteria performed by me. It was only that you assuring me that you would come to pick me when I die, the same way That One was supposed to do for you when you died first, eventually pushed me into even greater despair.
“Nobody...nobody’s going to pick me!...I only have here and now, Kuro-sama, only the time that I’d be given to spend with you in this world, and not a second more!...”
Thus blackmailed and full of pity, you grew gentle and finally let go. You told me you would think your decision over just once more - and you were so thoughtful towards me, so full of compassion and misery, even though a few seconds before you could see nothing more than your own suffering and desire for death.
Well, you can’t really keep me satisfied. I’ve got a distaste in my mouth, instead of satisfaction - and also a sense of humilitation, stronger than it’s ever been before.
11 [ You’ve seen it all ]
How sad a man have you got to be if the sight of this year’s newly blossomed cherry trees brings you no joy? To what extent do you have to be filled with sense of hopelessness if you see the new blossoms and they don’t move you in any way, nor do you care what they will be like the following year?
“There’s nothing left that I could or would see anymore.” You were irritated and more gloomy than your average when you woke up and found me adorning your room with the twiggies of the fresh blossoms. And as I let myself remark innocently that you just didn’t want to see and accept the beauty of this year’s flowers, because that would equal you admitting them being not inferior to those you had seen in the previous years and to whom you were so blindly attached - your melancholy turned into rage which, full of apathy as it may have seemed, I could sense very well under my skin with every gaze of yours, every word that you retorted, and every unwilling gesture.
“I’ve seen places no one will ever see, and not many have a clue that they even exist...I’ve seen the people, I’ve seen the things that shouldn’t have happend and are too hard to understand. What else do you want me to see?”
Say, myself, and both of us, what we can be for each other and what we can make out of each other if we can survive through those darkest moments - I’d gladly have replied to you thus, but I lacked the nerve, the imprudence to tell you things that made you feel like throwing up, and miss That One even more...provided your longing for him could even get any stronger, that is.
I made sure it was right of me that I kept such radical confessions on the inside. You curtly put to a halt even my subtle suggestions that it would be interesting to know what you could become in the faraway time and space.
“I know myself, I know who I am and who I can become. Whatever I could achieve, I’ve already done that.”
Do you know what I felt like doing the most when I heard you say such things? It was throwing myself into your embrace, pulling you strong to myself and smashing you in my puny arms. And screaming out loud what an idiot you were, never appreciating your own strength and nobleness, and an egoist who so selfishly wanted to devoid the world ( me ) of it all.
And then spreading my kisses lavishly all over your body, until all the tears would ooze through my lips - those tears you have never cried, or those that you never show me...
But still that one reluctant - and at the same time completely indifferent - look of yours is enough to make my desires come crashing down like bubbles, one by one.
“You’re bitter, aren’t you, Kuro-sama. It’s not that you’ve seen it all. It’s only that your bitternes made you blind”, I summed up our pointless discussion; this conclusion tore us apart with a steel cold wedge, as if we hadn’t drifted apart far enough before.
I loathed you for being so beautiful in your solitude, so astounding as you pushed everything away and choked on your pain. And the further you stray, the stranger to me you become, the more I long for you.
...And so, even though there have been many times up to now when I ceased to believe that my existence might be of any use to you, or that I might be of any help to you - I just keep telling myself to be strong and wait for my own chance.
12 [ Total eclipse ]
I scared myself.
I probably scared myself more than what I had committed was worth it. True, fantasies about drinking your beloved one’s blood or about touching wounded skin with your lips or tongue should already be defined as deviations. And not only that - such deviations usually win rather scarce popularity, because most of the decent specimen of the human kind would feel repelled by them. But still, unless such fantasies incline towards the desire to inflict the pain on your partner, there is nothing that outrageous about that, is there?
I keep trying to convince myself about that, and still - I am deeply shocked about what I did. For most part, though, I could justify my deed, saying that my own will didn’t quite seem responsible for all that. Quite the contrary, it was some kind of inner incentive that made me do it, something primary and yet stronger than me myself.
It was just that when I saw the blood oozing through your clothes from the crack in your stitch ( as one could have expected, you didn’t have much mercy on yourself, even though you had not recovered yet since that time you were on the brink of death - well, you yourself did claim that it was sitting idly withing the four walls of your room that killed you even more ), the sight and the scent of it intoxicated me. Without giving it any thought I folded your blood- stained sleeve and lavishly sunk my lips into the sticky, bitter liquid...
...and it was only for your tense, terrified gaze that I came back to reality. Yes, that was the very first time I ever saw actual fear in your ruby eyes. Your massive body grew all stiff, defensively, as if you were preparing yourself for some kind of attack, and then your lips retorted this cold but pleading, brief command. I still find myself flushing morbidly with the blush of humiliation and puzzlement as I recall it.
“Stop it.”
You wouldn’t even raise your voice, nor push me away, nor start to tug on me and call me a crazy pervert - there was nothing of the sort. And perhaps it was precisely out of this reason more than anything else that made me feel panic about what I did and realize how infinitely unforgivable what I did was. Had you reacted in your normal way, the way one could expect from you, I would certainly feel ashamed and mad at myself being such a savage, but I would come to terms with it sooner or later. But it was not to be. And your quiet, desperate “stop it” is still resounding in my head and makes it feel heavy in an unbearable way. Your anger would be a kind of redemption to me, but your fear only multiplies uncountably my sense of shame - and guilt.
Now I cannot bring myself to look into the mirror, and even more so into your eyes. Their surface always used to be so clean and clear, they would reflect everything without any lies nor falsehood, without adorning anything. This is why they had always appealed to me and fascinated me, but also made me feel anxious. I really refuse to find out what exactly I would have seen within them back then as they fixed their stare at me, and my lips still dripping with the scarlet, not so long ago.
I don’t know what I am to do about it, I don’t know where to go. I think I got lost.
And there’s only this one thought that clings to me and won’t let go. Which is that your reaction towards my slightly perverted faux pas was this desperate solely because it must have... invited to your head the memories of That One.
And whatever kind of memories are those, they will always be strong enough to make me unable to push them away off your mesmerizing eyes, anyway.
13 [ Why me?...]
I played all my cards and I think I don’t have anything left for you anymore. If that was not what you wanted, then what else could you wish for?...
You’re glad, aren’t you? You’re glad that I gave up, finally and after all, right? This is what you had been driving at ever since we met. You would consequently aim to reject me, to discourage me and convince me that there was no place for me beside you.
And so, as I was staring day by day at that powerless, passive despair, that bitter torpor of a man who was forbidden to die at his own hand purely by his honour, sense of duty and the innate, firm differentiation between what should be called courage and what should be called cowardice - it was then that I made my hysterical decision to be of any use for you for once, undeniably and ultimately, even if it meant for us to part forever.
As the Princess was telling me about your past, about those strange yet miraculous ( and mainly tragic in their consequences ) journeys through the time and space, she also mentioned your “means of transport”. The “Dimension Witch” and her “wish store”, where you colud have your wish granted as long as you provided the appropriate payment for it. Back then, being just a witness to your dramatic state, I longed with all my might to get to that “wish store” at any cost, really no matter the price I would have to pay - the price for the journey itself and for realizing my wish to help you in any way.
I was lucky enough, because the Princess is a powerful mage herself. And so I was able to reach the destination with no great effort.
I explained what the purpose of my arrival was to the sorcerer who resided there and was in charge of running the “business”. Initially I was going to resurrect That One, but he taught me that it was not possible. Bringing the dead back to life, he claimed, was severely prohibited. That stood for the only one out of all the rules governing the universe that under no circumstances was ever allowed to be broken.
After a brief yet efficient discussion we managed to reach a compromise sufficient to solve the problem. The compromise was to turn back time, back to the final moments of That One’s life, so that you could save him and bring him back with you here, to the country of Nihon. In order to achieve that, both of us - me and you - would have had to pay the compound price. For you it would mean exchanging for That One your sense of sight or something of equal value, which didn’t quite make me happy. I had no intention whatsoever to do you a favor that seemed to have more to do with harm and mutilation; the mere thought of those gorgeous, lively eyes suddenly darkened and shut against all the light made me shiver inside. However, after giving it a little thought, I felt convinced. After all, the most important part was for you to agree to the conditions, and with all of your determination to get him back you sure would be prepared for such extremes as well...Besides, the only thing that counted would be to rescue That One, and once it was accomplished, he would take good care of you, right? You would be in his good hands, safe and, once and for all, happy. I felt slight disgust at myself believing in That One so much that I was ready to entrust you to him on such a breakthrough occasion, or letting you stay together happily ever after so easily, but still, your happiness was the thing I cared about the most, was it not?...
As for me and my own payment - I might have given up some part of my health or fitness, and I would have gladly done so, had it not been for my sudden fear of your reaction. Your pride wouldn’t bear it if I were to drive myself into physical disability for your sake, and you would never ever accept such a sacrifice, would you? And the sorcerer actually assured me that I had something way more valuable to offer, something that would even pay with interest the price of turning back the time.
In fact, that “something” would include two separate prices to be paid on my part. The first one was supposed to be my memories of you: everything we had ever shared, our whole relationship and my awareness of someone like you ever having come across my life would have to disappear and vanish irreversibly. The other:... the future course of my life, directed in that “new” time in such a way that I would never be able to see you again.
Seems plain and clear, doesn’t it? You’re the most valuable thing I have ever had, and so you’re the most valuable thing I could possibly give up. What’s more, if I were not to remember you anymore, I would have no way to realize what I lost and what was torn apart from me with my own consent. And so the hurt itself would last only until the moment of making the wish come true, or turning back the time, correct? And then the nightmare would be over, both for you and me, and we would be living our long, carefree lives happily and separately, and...
...and somehow, after I thought the sorcerer’s offer over and with a calm smile articulated the single word: “Deal”, and as my own voice resounded in my ears...
...I felt as if in my chest I had a bleeding cavity, writhing as if in a frenzy, instead of a heart.
And what your answer was?
“No. No way. I don’t want to, it’s too risky.” It sounds like some kind of summary, but in fact to our “debate” there really wasn’t much more than such replies from you. I put “debate” in the inverted commas, as there occurred no actual clash of interests between us. Somehow I found I had nothing on my hands to persuade you to after all do turn back the time. Nor the energy, nor the willpower, nor the confidence in my own arguments.
It was no matter how much I yearned for you to owe something to me at last... - or maybe it was precisely because of that?...
What’s the sacrifice on my part anyway, if in fact I was only thinking about myself all the time, wanting myself to mean anything to you even for a moment, even if I was to force it onto you.
And deep in the back of my mind, deep under my skin, but - as I see it now - definitely, I hoped for you to show any interest at the very least in the price I would be supposed to pay for helping you fulfil your wish. I hoped that you would ask me what it was and call me a stupid jerk who gets rid of his most treasured possession just like that, and maybe that you would even tell me I was brave...
After all, ever since that day I miraculously survived, the tormented kid, one of the cursed twins - I had seen this one and only purpose to my life, the goal that would wash me clean of the burden of guilt, sin and redundancy. It was to fall in love and to give to that person all the things I had taken from the world before, be it deliberately or against my own will, be it my dearest ones or complete strangers.
Oh, right. Fortunately, it seems you didn’t notice anything - I was afraid you would be mad if you found out, but I guess I kind of overestimated you. You didn’t scrutinize me all that much, and after all, why would you even bother to look at me? It must have spared me another exciting experience of your anger. And that’s because my left leg is wrapped in bandages and as I move, I pull it from behind like some inert object, like a useless stub. I had thought up a detailed and possibly plausible justification, featuring heavy iron bars falling on my leg and hitting it hard, in other words - an accident in the workshop. I was really nervous about the justification being lame and unbelievable, and that you would immediatly see through my little lies and explode in an even worse fit of rage.
...But that wasn’t necessary at all. I think I should be glad.
I have no idea how I should ever explain to you the truth that I gave up the feeling in my left leg - from the knee downwards - in order to pay my “travel expenses”, that is to cover up the cost of getting back here from the sorcerer’s store.
And now at least this problem is out of my head. As I took my leave, you didn’t try to stop me, and so...
...sure, you could “make sure to call me anytime if you happen to change your mind, hyu”, but in spite of that - it seems that this time it is really over.
-----
A/N: Comments are welcome and appreciated, also if you find someting weird or incorrect about my English, so that I can make it right. <3 Just don’t be too harsh on Yuui, he is a sensitive soul ( Kuro-sama would probably call it “hysterical” ) and takes all the criticism to himself. Be kind and he’ll give you a mental cookie, hyuu! ^w^ Or so he says.