reflections..
Im gonna take some time & reflect on the past year..
actually I think imma dive in farther then that.
First off its gettin to be that time of year again.
when I usually get all depressed like.
I never really liked fall/winter.
mainly christmas. I dunno why.
But this year Im lookin forward to it.
Im sittin here thinkin back on last christmas.
around that time christina & I met.
we hit it off [as friends duh]
very well.
starting texting constantly & hanging out as often as possible.
we also had a pretty interesting new years.
some drama happened not too long after.
mainly dealing with her & nick.
but we all were in it..
we were all friends & no matter how stressful it was.
it happened & we survived it.
*sigh*
this whole year has been so up & down.
I mean.
april was a pretty good month.
I really got to know alex.
& we started dating.
we have had some drama hhere & there as well.
but we're still doin good.
it'll be six months this month =]
although during this rollercoaster of a year,
we are all surviving.
drama has settled down.
& although christina & I arent really "friends" anymore.
we have started talking again.
nothing will ever be the same.
then again, how could it be, after all this?
but its ok now.
no more fighting.
I really do miss the friday night pizza & movie nights.
those were some fun times.
then I start thinking farther back.
to when I was still in high school.
I was surrounded by alot of "friends"
see I put it in quotes there because
although we were somewhat close then.
do i talk to them now?
NOPE.
great FRIENDS huh?
in high school I went through alot of shit.
just like anyone else.
Im not saying my life was a total mess
or even completely horrible.
BUT all in all.
it was a pretty jumbled mess.
I dont remember ANY of my tenth grade year.
for what reason..I really dont know.
but my junior year was the worst.
I mean...parts were really good.
but also...really bad.
I fell in love for the first time
with someone I thought was the most
wonderful boyfriend ever.
on our one month he suprised me with a boquet of roses
& said he loved me.
it was so amazing.
They say you'll never forget your first love.
& I know I wont.
no matter what terms we're on these days.
He had a huge impact on my life.
not just "one year in highschool"
that relationship was rocky
[to say the least]
we were back & fourth constantly.
I ended up dating about 7 different guys that school year.
it was nuts.
also some of those guys in that time
had supposedly claimed that they "loved" me.
so none of my relationships
have lasted that long.
or been very good.
in the long run..
I wouldnt change much.
OH & also
during my jump from relationship to relationship
my junior year.
I felt so horrible after losing my first love
for the second time.
I tried taking my own life.
I literally went home one day
& swollowed almost an entire bottle of pills
followed by a couple glasses of wine.
& a few simple cuts here & there.
I of couse stayed home the next day.
in total pain, I felt so sick.
I just was hoping it would have killed me.
but alas it didnt.
again...in the long run.
im happy it didnt.
otherwise I wouldnt be here today.
& I wouldnt have my wonderful boyfirned.
whom I truely love
& completely appreciate.
man oh man...
this reflecting is making me wanna cry..
some of this stuff has been so hard on me.
it seemed impossible.
but here Iam..im still surviving...
[to be continued]
<3