hanging in there...
Okay soo, yesterday, I packed a few things and went to my dad's planning on staying with him for awhile untill I had money to live on my own. Well I could NOT sit still at my dad's All I wanted to do was just go back to "my home" In the past going over to "my parents" house was very comforting it had a familiar scent to it and feel.
Well since a year ago when my dad decided he wanted a divorce, and my dad is now living in the house, He has taken ALL of my mom's belongings and stuck them in a storage unit, or in the garage or my old bedroom. He has gotten all new carpets downstairs, all new furniture, all new dishes and silverware. I'm use to eating over there off of either my parents white and worn wedding dishes with their wedding silverware, OR off of one of the old and worn tupperware "kid's plate" But now it is retro 70's brown dishes from my dad's parents.
It is just all the small details that really do affect me. Like, there are NO family pictures what so ever, accept on top of the fireplace is a picture of John and I when I was three and he was a baby. The walls in the family room are just white and stark with NOTHING accept a cork board with some of Ben's various cartoons he draws.
Anyways, Back to what happend. SO I felt uncomfortable at my Dad's place, I could go ON and ON with like a book of all the tiny little things that have changed there and that arent comforting what so ever. But that isnt really what I am here to write about.
Now on an emotional level. My dad has never liked Dog's he reallly doesnt like them. Well Mine and Joe's dogs are like OUR kids. Not many people can understand that accept some dog owners. So not only am I missing my house and Joe, but I'm missing all of my pets, ESPECIALLY my dogs. I have the biggest emotional connection with them. They can understand me a lot of the time, they are a certain mix of breeds where they just want to be a part of the family, they sleep with us every night, and cuddle up, they comfort us when we are upset, and I could go on and on about them.
Well, when I was at my dad's he kept asking, can I make you something to eat? can I make you some Tea? can I sit down with you? and I was like NO, all I want is to lay down and snuggle up with Dakota and Bear. And all he could say was "I dont think right now is the time to be worrying about the dogs" in the MOST unsincere voice. He talks about them like they are just nusances, like I'm talking about ticks or something.
Well I told him how he just doesnt understand. Than I decided I just need to get out of the house, it was making me feel irratable and more depressed, so I asked my dad for some money to go put gas in my car and pick up some contact solution.
Well I went and got gas, I tried calling my mom she wasnt answering (she understands how I feel about the dogs cuz to her they are her grandkids) I also got some smokes, I KNOW I KNOW I just got through with quitting them for three weeks. BUT, I'm am just allowing myself to feel like shit right now and be a mess untill I have the strength to pick myself back up. I still have some patches left and I will use those if I need to once I'm ready to take care of myself agian. which should be VERY soon.
Anyways I started driving towards Everett to see if any of my friends up there would be home. Well no one was they were all out doing stuff for the weekend. SO I turned around and headed towards Edmonds. I got there and Dakota and Bear were SOOOO freaking happy to see me, they were jumping and licking the hell out of me and just wagging there little tails like crazy. Dakota was doing his "speach" to me that he does whenever I'm gone for a long period of time. He does like this slightly loud barking thing here he looks me staright in the face and its almost like he is saying "DONT leave us for so long again! we were worried!" Almost like a parent being strict with there kids, I dunno its hard to explain but quite entertaining to see!
So, I spent maybe about 15 minutes at the house, untill I couldnt handle it anyomre. It was just breaking my heart, seeing Joe, seeing all of our things, seeing the dogs, my cats, my bunnies. I left and started driving all I wanted to do was just crash into a tree or something and DIE!
I kept feeling like this and I didnt want to go anywhere, I didnt want to go back to the house, not my dad's had no where to go or would want to go and I was feeling SOO much hurt I just didnt want to feel it anymore.
SO, I drove myself to Steven's hospital ER, I told them how I was feeling, Pretty quickly they put me in a room, gave me a breathelizer and had me give a urine sample just to make sure I hadnt taken a ton of drugs or anything. They had me in this room with NOTHING but a matress on the floor and a blanket that I wrapped myself up in. I was on a video camera and ha da girl outside watching me the whole time to make sure I wouldnt hurt myself.
It was pretty rediculous, but I understand I mean I told them I wanted to be dead, I wasnt going to do anything but I didnt know what I would do I guess. I just wanted to Die, I could never kill myself, especially when I KNOW that things WILL get better, I have faith in god, I'm not religous or anything. but I do have Faith, and I do know that things do get better. its just that at that moment I felt SO horrible I just didnt want to feel it anymore, I jsut wanted them to like, give me a shot of morphine or something so I could just take a break from my feelings. But instead they just had a counselor person talk to me. She seemed somewhat understanding but at the same time I felt like she was treating me like an idiot that was over reacting cuz of a broken heart.
Ohwell, anyways so they cleared me to leave as long as I promised not to hurt myself and to get into counseling, they diagnosed me with "situatoinal depression" ummm DUH!
So after that I called my dad, he was pretty mad that I went to the hospital he said next time I should just come to him and talk. But I dont think he understood. So I went to the store and got some contact solution cuz I NEEDED to get my contacts out after crying my head off for a good period of the day. My dad told me to come back to his house.
So I got back there I still really didnt want to be there, he tried offering me food and stuff agian. I jsut went and took a bath, went on the computer, and than called Heather and decided to go hang out with her. Oh I also talked with Joe's parents A LOT yesterday. Both of them are very worried about me, they told me how they love me as a daughter. And Joe's mom especially is REALLY upset with the situation. She told me it is not fair for me to just have to leave the house, she said I need to be at my house with my dogs and my stuff and I need to be there for us to work through this. She seems to still think that Joe is just having issues because of his friend's death and that he doesnt mean anything he is saying. But I am not so sure.
So I went to Heather and Justins and that was nice. It was kinda hard being around a couple especially ones that Joe and I use to hang out with A LOT. Than Mike called and invited us over to his and other mike's apartment for a bbq, So I followed Heather there since she would probably be leaving before me to go home and get to bed before work. Those guys can always cheer me up they are pretty funny. They MADE me eat a cheeseburger, I really didnt want to eat but it felt good to eat. All I wanted was some alcohol but all they had was Bud Lite, so I was like umm no thanks.
So we hung out there and started watching Nacho Libre cuz I had never seen it and they wanted to cheer me up. All though I was all for watching any sort of Edward Norton movie cuz he is like my sex god, but ohwell we decied a funny movie would be better than fight club or american history x cuz that was the only Norton movies they had.
Than about 12 30 AM Joe texted me asking if I was still awake, This was after he had sent me a message saying that he knew I wanted to come home and see the dogs but he said not to come over untill "tomorrow" while he was at work because he needed some time to himself and he needed to get sleep before work.
BUT, at 12 30 he texted me asking if i was still up, so I wrote back yeah why? and than he called me, he told me he couldnt sleep, and I said well what do you want me to do? and he said well I cant get the dogs inside, they are just sitting at the gate waiting for you. I said well you told me not to come over there. and than he said well if it would make you happier to see them you can come over and sleep here with the dogs cuz I know you just want to cuddle with them, so I asked well where will I sleep and where will he sleep. he said I could sleep in the bed with the dogs and he would sleep on the couch. So I said well okay as long as thats okay with you cuz you had said you needed your alone time, and than he said that he was just wanting to make me happy. SO I left the mike's house around 1 30 am after talking with them about the situation for awhile.
I got home, and Joe and the dogs were in the bedroom sleeping. The dogs heard me come inside and were barking and whimpering for me, so I played with them for awhile, than I took some nyquil, just half of a dose to help me sleep, I went in the room and asked Joe where he wanted me to sleep, and he said wherever. So I just got into bed with him and the dogs, Dakota and Bear slept in between us and I snuggled up with Dakota. We both woke up a few times during the night/morning and just sorta started at each other. (meaning Joe and I) than this morning when his alarm went off for work I kept waking him up cuz he always falls asleep after his alarm goes off and needs me to get him out of bed. He said he was tired and didnt want to get up. and I basically made him get out of bed. I got up for a bit too with the dogs and let them go outside to go potty. Joe finally got up he was sitting on the couch all dressed with his head in his hands, I asked him if he was okay, and he said that he was tired, and I said I know, and than he told me how this wasnt easy for him either.
I went back to bed Joe came in to get his cellphone but didnt say anything to me. Than I finally fell back asleep with the dogs.
I woke up around elven pretty soon after I woke up Joe called me from work on his lunch break and asked "So what about the rabbits?" he was wanting me to take the rabbits to my dad's house and I assured him my dad wouldnt let me but that I would try convincing him cuz they are MY rabbits. I said that I didnt have a chance to talk to my dad about it yet. And than he asked what i was doing, I said just at the computer, And he asked what I was going to do today, and I said I didnt know. And the said that I shouldnt just sit at the computer all day and I should do something. I said I know but that I still needed to figure out what to do next.
SOOOOOOOOO, amilliion run on sentances later, and feeling like my arms are about to fall off, that has been my past 24 hours.
I start my new job tomorrow, all of my friends and the counselor person I talked to at the hospital, and my dad, and Joe's parents told me that the best thing I can do for myself right now is go to that job and stay with it.
I will write more about the job later today my hands are just hurting way to bad right now to write anything more.
OH yeah! when I talked to Joe on the phone I asked him if I could stay at the house for a few days while I got myself together and just stay in the spare bedroom, and he said if that would help than It would be okay. SOO atleast I dont have to worry about moving in with my dad QUITE yet.
OK bye for now!
thank you to EVERYONE who has left me nice comments!!!!
Love, Becky
Well since a year ago when my dad decided he wanted a divorce, and my dad is now living in the house, He has taken ALL of my mom's belongings and stuck them in a storage unit, or in the garage or my old bedroom. He has gotten all new carpets downstairs, all new furniture, all new dishes and silverware. I'm use to eating over there off of either my parents white and worn wedding dishes with their wedding silverware, OR off of one of the old and worn tupperware "kid's plate" But now it is retro 70's brown dishes from my dad's parents.
It is just all the small details that really do affect me. Like, there are NO family pictures what so ever, accept on top of the fireplace is a picture of John and I when I was three and he was a baby. The walls in the family room are just white and stark with NOTHING accept a cork board with some of Ben's various cartoons he draws.
Anyways, Back to what happend. SO I felt uncomfortable at my Dad's place, I could go ON and ON with like a book of all the tiny little things that have changed there and that arent comforting what so ever. But that isnt really what I am here to write about.
Now on an emotional level. My dad has never liked Dog's he reallly doesnt like them. Well Mine and Joe's dogs are like OUR kids. Not many people can understand that accept some dog owners. So not only am I missing my house and Joe, but I'm missing all of my pets, ESPECIALLY my dogs. I have the biggest emotional connection with them. They can understand me a lot of the time, they are a certain mix of breeds where they just want to be a part of the family, they sleep with us every night, and cuddle up, they comfort us when we are upset, and I could go on and on about them.
Well, when I was at my dad's he kept asking, can I make you something to eat? can I make you some Tea? can I sit down with you? and I was like NO, all I want is to lay down and snuggle up with Dakota and Bear. And all he could say was "I dont think right now is the time to be worrying about the dogs" in the MOST unsincere voice. He talks about them like they are just nusances, like I'm talking about ticks or something.
Well I told him how he just doesnt understand. Than I decided I just need to get out of the house, it was making me feel irratable and more depressed, so I asked my dad for some money to go put gas in my car and pick up some contact solution.
Well I went and got gas, I tried calling my mom she wasnt answering (she understands how I feel about the dogs cuz to her they are her grandkids) I also got some smokes, I KNOW I KNOW I just got through with quitting them for three weeks. BUT, I'm am just allowing myself to feel like shit right now and be a mess untill I have the strength to pick myself back up. I still have some patches left and I will use those if I need to once I'm ready to take care of myself agian. which should be VERY soon.
Anyways I started driving towards Everett to see if any of my friends up there would be home. Well no one was they were all out doing stuff for the weekend. SO I turned around and headed towards Edmonds. I got there and Dakota and Bear were SOOOO freaking happy to see me, they were jumping and licking the hell out of me and just wagging there little tails like crazy. Dakota was doing his "speach" to me that he does whenever I'm gone for a long period of time. He does like this slightly loud barking thing here he looks me staright in the face and its almost like he is saying "DONT leave us for so long again! we were worried!" Almost like a parent being strict with there kids, I dunno its hard to explain but quite entertaining to see!
So, I spent maybe about 15 minutes at the house, untill I couldnt handle it anyomre. It was just breaking my heart, seeing Joe, seeing all of our things, seeing the dogs, my cats, my bunnies. I left and started driving all I wanted to do was just crash into a tree or something and DIE!
I kept feeling like this and I didnt want to go anywhere, I didnt want to go back to the house, not my dad's had no where to go or would want to go and I was feeling SOO much hurt I just didnt want to feel it anymore.
SO, I drove myself to Steven's hospital ER, I told them how I was feeling, Pretty quickly they put me in a room, gave me a breathelizer and had me give a urine sample just to make sure I hadnt taken a ton of drugs or anything. They had me in this room with NOTHING but a matress on the floor and a blanket that I wrapped myself up in. I was on a video camera and ha da girl outside watching me the whole time to make sure I wouldnt hurt myself.
It was pretty rediculous, but I understand I mean I told them I wanted to be dead, I wasnt going to do anything but I didnt know what I would do I guess. I just wanted to Die, I could never kill myself, especially when I KNOW that things WILL get better, I have faith in god, I'm not religous or anything. but I do have Faith, and I do know that things do get better. its just that at that moment I felt SO horrible I just didnt want to feel it anymore, I jsut wanted them to like, give me a shot of morphine or something so I could just take a break from my feelings. But instead they just had a counselor person talk to me. She seemed somewhat understanding but at the same time I felt like she was treating me like an idiot that was over reacting cuz of a broken heart.
Ohwell, anyways so they cleared me to leave as long as I promised not to hurt myself and to get into counseling, they diagnosed me with "situatoinal depression" ummm DUH!
So after that I called my dad, he was pretty mad that I went to the hospital he said next time I should just come to him and talk. But I dont think he understood. So I went to the store and got some contact solution cuz I NEEDED to get my contacts out after crying my head off for a good period of the day. My dad told me to come back to his house.
So I got back there I still really didnt want to be there, he tried offering me food and stuff agian. I jsut went and took a bath, went on the computer, and than called Heather and decided to go hang out with her. Oh I also talked with Joe's parents A LOT yesterday. Both of them are very worried about me, they told me how they love me as a daughter. And Joe's mom especially is REALLY upset with the situation. She told me it is not fair for me to just have to leave the house, she said I need to be at my house with my dogs and my stuff and I need to be there for us to work through this. She seems to still think that Joe is just having issues because of his friend's death and that he doesnt mean anything he is saying. But I am not so sure.
So I went to Heather and Justins and that was nice. It was kinda hard being around a couple especially ones that Joe and I use to hang out with A LOT. Than Mike called and invited us over to his and other mike's apartment for a bbq, So I followed Heather there since she would probably be leaving before me to go home and get to bed before work. Those guys can always cheer me up they are pretty funny. They MADE me eat a cheeseburger, I really didnt want to eat but it felt good to eat. All I wanted was some alcohol but all they had was Bud Lite, so I was like umm no thanks.
So we hung out there and started watching Nacho Libre cuz I had never seen it and they wanted to cheer me up. All though I was all for watching any sort of Edward Norton movie cuz he is like my sex god, but ohwell we decied a funny movie would be better than fight club or american history x cuz that was the only Norton movies they had.
Than about 12 30 AM Joe texted me asking if I was still awake, This was after he had sent me a message saying that he knew I wanted to come home and see the dogs but he said not to come over untill "tomorrow" while he was at work because he needed some time to himself and he needed to get sleep before work.
BUT, at 12 30 he texted me asking if i was still up, so I wrote back yeah why? and than he called me, he told me he couldnt sleep, and I said well what do you want me to do? and he said well I cant get the dogs inside, they are just sitting at the gate waiting for you. I said well you told me not to come over there. and than he said well if it would make you happier to see them you can come over and sleep here with the dogs cuz I know you just want to cuddle with them, so I asked well where will I sleep and where will he sleep. he said I could sleep in the bed with the dogs and he would sleep on the couch. So I said well okay as long as thats okay with you cuz you had said you needed your alone time, and than he said that he was just wanting to make me happy. SO I left the mike's house around 1 30 am after talking with them about the situation for awhile.
I got home, and Joe and the dogs were in the bedroom sleeping. The dogs heard me come inside and were barking and whimpering for me, so I played with them for awhile, than I took some nyquil, just half of a dose to help me sleep, I went in the room and asked Joe where he wanted me to sleep, and he said wherever. So I just got into bed with him and the dogs, Dakota and Bear slept in between us and I snuggled up with Dakota. We both woke up a few times during the night/morning and just sorta started at each other. (meaning Joe and I) than this morning when his alarm went off for work I kept waking him up cuz he always falls asleep after his alarm goes off and needs me to get him out of bed. He said he was tired and didnt want to get up. and I basically made him get out of bed. I got up for a bit too with the dogs and let them go outside to go potty. Joe finally got up he was sitting on the couch all dressed with his head in his hands, I asked him if he was okay, and he said that he was tired, and I said I know, and than he told me how this wasnt easy for him either.
I went back to bed Joe came in to get his cellphone but didnt say anything to me. Than I finally fell back asleep with the dogs.
I woke up around elven pretty soon after I woke up Joe called me from work on his lunch break and asked "So what about the rabbits?" he was wanting me to take the rabbits to my dad's house and I assured him my dad wouldnt let me but that I would try convincing him cuz they are MY rabbits. I said that I didnt have a chance to talk to my dad about it yet. And than he asked what i was doing, I said just at the computer, And he asked what I was going to do today, and I said I didnt know. And the said that I shouldnt just sit at the computer all day and I should do something. I said I know but that I still needed to figure out what to do next.
SOOOOOOOOO, amilliion run on sentances later, and feeling like my arms are about to fall off, that has been my past 24 hours.
I start my new job tomorrow, all of my friends and the counselor person I talked to at the hospital, and my dad, and Joe's parents told me that the best thing I can do for myself right now is go to that job and stay with it.
I will write more about the job later today my hands are just hurting way to bad right now to write anything more.
OH yeah! when I talked to Joe on the phone I asked him if I could stay at the house for a few days while I got myself together and just stay in the spare bedroom, and he said if that would help than It would be okay. SOO atleast I dont have to worry about moving in with my dad QUITE yet.
OK bye for now!
thank you to EVERYONE who has left me nice comments!!!!
Love, Becky