Mar 05, 2008 16:41
I hate feeling stupid. I thought that would end when I left Albemarle. I have no idea why I was so deliusional, after all, I left Albemarle for a place where almost everyone was as smart as the smartest person in high school.
I always get pretty sad before breaks because I really need them. There is usually a reason why I need to get the fuck out of Vassar, something I need to stop thinking about, some system of feelings that I need to stop feeling.
This time isn't the worst. I felt worse before both October and December breaks. I am even slightly hesitant to leave because I am not quite at the mindset that I hoped to be at by the time spring break started. Sorry for the vaguery. Well hopefully my time away will be a source of strength and resolve to aid me achieving aforementioned mental state when I return for the homestretch. College is really fucking weird. Sometimes I don't think adolescence should be positioned so artificially close to each other. It forces feelings of intimacy, it makes you scared to be alone. It makes you loose yourself in everyone else who is better, prettier, cooler than you. You are the only one around to represent yourself, no family, no homebase, just your own private traveling freak show. at least in my case. I don't know who I am . I don't know who anyone else is in relation to me. I don't know how important I am to anyone. Honestly it is not neccesary to have absolute truth about these things, but the forced intimacy, the physical closeness in college makes these trivialities an issue.
So getting away will affirm that I exist outside of the campus. It is nice to feel your past after feeling your present, especially when you are so worried about your future. It's comforting to return to your past because you aren't constantly pressured to be moving forward, creating and presenting yourself to everyone day to day. It would help if i weren't so self concious.
Oh well
I have a shit load of work to do over break too.
Thanks goodness for mudhouse.
ps. where should i work this summer??