fly away
You know, if i wasn't so deadset on keeping my name so when I get famous all those fucking bitches from Jr. High can look up on the screen, with their fat fucking -middle class despressed housewives faces and cringe knowing that I proved them all wrong...I'd change my name to Jezebell.
Because, ladies and Gentlemen, i feel like Jezebell In Hell.
Mike and I. Major issues. Don't really want to go into it. He's taking alone time again. Supposed to call me on friday. I will tell you parts of what was said though. I told him:
"You know why you're so miserable? Because you refuse to even try and open your heart a little bit, to let people care about you, to let your self feel pain, and love, and every other emotion out there besides happiness and strength. You keep this up you're going to die a miserable old man with no friends because you refused to care about anyone and feel anything. You refuse to even try and open your heart because you're afraid you'll get hurt."
To which he replied "I'm this way because I've been hurt too many times."
To which my reply was:
"You think you're the only one who's gone through pain? Listen, I'm sorry your Mom left you, I'm sorry Beth was a raging psychopathic bitch, I'm sorry you lost your best friends and they're dead, I'm sorry you wasted four years of your life shooting chemicals into your arms, I'm sorry for everythign else that's happened to you. But you're not the only one. Jackie has lost many friends in the course of ONE YEAR due to drugs, illness, whatever, the love of her life is completely gone from her, her last boyfirend cheated on her, she was assualted. Megan's been down the same road with sexual abuse, her mother is insane, she is having breakdown after breakdown because of her fucking boyfriend and her house. Heather was assaulted by that fuckwad of a human, Colin, for three continuous months, her father's an abusive alcoholic. I've been molested too many times to count, I lost my father for six years, my step father is cheating on my mother WITH MEN, my mother's a manic depressive, and I've been a self mutilator for two years. We all have pain. We've all been were you've been. Where you are. The only difference is we are strong enough to allow our self to heal, and move on, and feel again. These women are some of the strongest people I know, and they have gone through so much shit. And they are strong. And you are weak, because you refuse to try."
followed at another point in the conversation:
"Do you hate yourself so much that you refuse to believe people care about you, that people will always be there for you, through the good and the bad. Do you hate yourself so much, or do you think so little of us?"
Like I've said before...never fight with an actress/writer, it makes for great dialogue.
Anyways. Yeah. I'm shit scared right now, because i realized a few things...and I don't want to lose him. call me crazy...but you don't understand what I've found out, about myself. About him and I. The happiness outways the bad.
I just want to be with him. I don't want to lose him again.
Because, ladies and Gentlemen, i feel like Jezebell In Hell.
Mike and I. Major issues. Don't really want to go into it. He's taking alone time again. Supposed to call me on friday. I will tell you parts of what was said though. I told him:
"You know why you're so miserable? Because you refuse to even try and open your heart a little bit, to let people care about you, to let your self feel pain, and love, and every other emotion out there besides happiness and strength. You keep this up you're going to die a miserable old man with no friends because you refused to care about anyone and feel anything. You refuse to even try and open your heart because you're afraid you'll get hurt."
To which he replied "I'm this way because I've been hurt too many times."
To which my reply was:
"You think you're the only one who's gone through pain? Listen, I'm sorry your Mom left you, I'm sorry Beth was a raging psychopathic bitch, I'm sorry you lost your best friends and they're dead, I'm sorry you wasted four years of your life shooting chemicals into your arms, I'm sorry for everythign else that's happened to you. But you're not the only one. Jackie has lost many friends in the course of ONE YEAR due to drugs, illness, whatever, the love of her life is completely gone from her, her last boyfirend cheated on her, she was assualted. Megan's been down the same road with sexual abuse, her mother is insane, she is having breakdown after breakdown because of her fucking boyfriend and her house. Heather was assaulted by that fuckwad of a human, Colin, for three continuous months, her father's an abusive alcoholic. I've been molested too many times to count, I lost my father for six years, my step father is cheating on my mother WITH MEN, my mother's a manic depressive, and I've been a self mutilator for two years. We all have pain. We've all been were you've been. Where you are. The only difference is we are strong enough to allow our self to heal, and move on, and feel again. These women are some of the strongest people I know, and they have gone through so much shit. And they are strong. And you are weak, because you refuse to try."
followed at another point in the conversation:
"Do you hate yourself so much that you refuse to believe people care about you, that people will always be there for you, through the good and the bad. Do you hate yourself so much, or do you think so little of us?"
Like I've said before...never fight with an actress/writer, it makes for great dialogue.
Anyways. Yeah. I'm shit scared right now, because i realized a few things...and I don't want to lose him. call me crazy...but you don't understand what I've found out, about myself. About him and I. The happiness outways the bad.
I just want to be with him. I don't want to lose him again.