023
I am so happy. SATprep. is fabulous. I have a car. My friends and I are rekindling friendships that I've put on the shelf in the past few months. I'm growing involved with this wonderful boy. There is very little more that I could ask for right now. My grades are good, my home is good, my health is fantastic, my skin is good, my heart is good. This is sort of like a Euphoria, but I have a weird feeling that this will last.
I had no idea how hurt Peter's relationship was making me. I won't run off and tell people; I rarely vent to people as it is. It was so much work to be happy with him and even when I got the endorphins going, something would go wrong. He would let his hormones get the best of him or we'd fight or my lack of trust would get involved. It was all very painful and complicated. I was working so hard to stay happy that I completely disregarded my friends in the worst way. I put up with In Alcatraz's shit for too long (By the way, since I've left Peter, everything has been completely dandy with those boys.) However, I'm not going to sit here and make this completely one-sided. A good portion of this was my fault. I let myself care too much and not think about myself. I thought it was normal to have to fight for happiness, and I was simply afraid to leave Peter.
He was my comfort zone. We were at that point where we weren't afraid to hurt each others' feelings. I would say something nasty because he would have done something I didn't like. He would say something equally nasty back. It hurt so badly but I never thought anything of it. I view challenges as bumps, and I rarely seek ways to avoid them. They make people stronger and therefore I believe it's necessary to challenge both your physical and mental strength as often as possible. Well anyway, Peter and I would fight alot. Ever since the thing wtih Ashleigh over the summer, nothing has been the same. We weren't friends anymore which scares because that's the reason why we started dating in the first place. He was my absolute best friend and helped me get out of a very, very painful relationship with Eric. God damn boys.. So I started dating Peter in a bad way. A few months later, things cooled down and it seemed like started getting bored. He cheated on me, held a relationship with another girl, cheated on me again with a girl I'd tried to keep away from Peter for a year. I don't like the way this all looks written down but it has to be said. I cared about Peter very much, and I still do. He talked to my Mom today about bringing Christmas presents home to the kids. I wanted to contain a friendship with Peter, but now I think it will be impossible. It's painful, I realize, but I don't know. I don't know how it will work out; it seriously seems like he's avoiding me. I would understand if he were avoiding me though; what I'm doing right now isn't highly looked upon.
Tim helped me out of the relationship with Peter. Tim did not "steal" me away from Peter. I'd been trying to find strength to leave Peter for months, but was always distracted by the momentary happiness we'd experience (which did not make up for the hard times). Tim showed me a friendship that not very many people could. He helped me be strong and gave me this wonderful sense of confidence that led me to do the thing I've been trying to do for ages.
I'm happy now. I'm so unbelievebly happy right this second. Peter's home and I have a bag of things that I'll be returning to him whenever he plans on stopping by. What makes me upset is the completely distorted facade that everyone besides our closest friends saw. Peter and I were a "fairy tale." We were going to "get married." Again, Alison Welliver is 16 years old and has no idea what Love is. Peter and I had a rough relationship. He had to deal with guilt although it didn't seem like it hurt him unless it was obviously hurting me. I had to deal with this feeling of absolute betrayal and wonder. I knew from the moment Ashleigh said (via Voicemail) "I almost Fucked your Boyfriend Last night, but I pushed him off me. No need to worry!" that I should have left him. I mean seriously, what the hell. No one should have to deal with this. He claims that he "wasn't thinking" and I don't think that that particular excuse was a very good excuse either. Wasn't thinking? What if he decided Not To Think again? I mean it's not like he'd know what was right and what was wrong, He wouldn't be thinking! Either way, I'm done with it now. And we'll see each other often and say hello and possibly find ourselves hanging out with together in big groups of people. He has a wonderful heart and soul, and I wish him the best of luck in life. I tried to give him the world, I really did. But he threw it on the ground and stepped on it. Three times.
This is the ultimate venting entry,
but it had to be said.
Simply to promote my current mood,
I would like everyone to remind themselves of how incredibly happy I am right this second; sitting in this computer chair with sore hamstrings and shoulders, an empty juice bottle, and a neck ache. I could not be happier.
I had no idea how hurt Peter's relationship was making me. I won't run off and tell people; I rarely vent to people as it is. It was so much work to be happy with him and even when I got the endorphins going, something would go wrong. He would let his hormones get the best of him or we'd fight or my lack of trust would get involved. It was all very painful and complicated. I was working so hard to stay happy that I completely disregarded my friends in the worst way. I put up with In Alcatraz's shit for too long (By the way, since I've left Peter, everything has been completely dandy with those boys.) However, I'm not going to sit here and make this completely one-sided. A good portion of this was my fault. I let myself care too much and not think about myself. I thought it was normal to have to fight for happiness, and I was simply afraid to leave Peter.
He was my comfort zone. We were at that point where we weren't afraid to hurt each others' feelings. I would say something nasty because he would have done something I didn't like. He would say something equally nasty back. It hurt so badly but I never thought anything of it. I view challenges as bumps, and I rarely seek ways to avoid them. They make people stronger and therefore I believe it's necessary to challenge both your physical and mental strength as often as possible. Well anyway, Peter and I would fight alot. Ever since the thing wtih Ashleigh over the summer, nothing has been the same. We weren't friends anymore which scares because that's the reason why we started dating in the first place. He was my absolute best friend and helped me get out of a very, very painful relationship with Eric. God damn boys.. So I started dating Peter in a bad way. A few months later, things cooled down and it seemed like started getting bored. He cheated on me, held a relationship with another girl, cheated on me again with a girl I'd tried to keep away from Peter for a year. I don't like the way this all looks written down but it has to be said. I cared about Peter very much, and I still do. He talked to my Mom today about bringing Christmas presents home to the kids. I wanted to contain a friendship with Peter, but now I think it will be impossible. It's painful, I realize, but I don't know. I don't know how it will work out; it seriously seems like he's avoiding me. I would understand if he were avoiding me though; what I'm doing right now isn't highly looked upon.
Tim helped me out of the relationship with Peter. Tim did not "steal" me away from Peter. I'd been trying to find strength to leave Peter for months, but was always distracted by the momentary happiness we'd experience (which did not make up for the hard times). Tim showed me a friendship that not very many people could. He helped me be strong and gave me this wonderful sense of confidence that led me to do the thing I've been trying to do for ages.
I'm happy now. I'm so unbelievebly happy right this second. Peter's home and I have a bag of things that I'll be returning to him whenever he plans on stopping by. What makes me upset is the completely distorted facade that everyone besides our closest friends saw. Peter and I were a "fairy tale." We were going to "get married." Again, Alison Welliver is 16 years old and has no idea what Love is. Peter and I had a rough relationship. He had to deal with guilt although it didn't seem like it hurt him unless it was obviously hurting me. I had to deal with this feeling of absolute betrayal and wonder. I knew from the moment Ashleigh said (via Voicemail) "I almost Fucked your Boyfriend Last night, but I pushed him off me. No need to worry!" that I should have left him. I mean seriously, what the hell. No one should have to deal with this. He claims that he "wasn't thinking" and I don't think that that particular excuse was a very good excuse either. Wasn't thinking? What if he decided Not To Think again? I mean it's not like he'd know what was right and what was wrong, He wouldn't be thinking! Either way, I'm done with it now. And we'll see each other often and say hello and possibly find ourselves hanging out with together in big groups of people. He has a wonderful heart and soul, and I wish him the best of luck in life. I tried to give him the world, I really did. But he threw it on the ground and stepped on it. Three times.
This is the ultimate venting entry,
but it had to be said.
Simply to promote my current mood,
I would like everyone to remind themselves of how incredibly happy I am right this second; sitting in this computer chair with sore hamstrings and shoulders, an empty juice bottle, and a neck ache. I could not be happier.