Life Is Looking Up...
I've been doing really well lately. I have read three books in the last week, I'm starting to finally get back to being the "real me". Which I find perfectly wonderful :) I'm really feeling insanely better than I had been. I really feel like a weight was lifted when I wrote that letter to Shawn. I honestly don't expect him(and kinda don't want him) to read it. It was more for my therapy than for him to actually read and care about.
I've been listening to The Audition for the last hour and a half..and I've mostly been cheery about it, but I came across the song "It's Gonna Be Hard(When I'm Gone)" and I started crying. This song describes the type of man I've always wanted. One who loves me so much and loves being around me so much that I'm always on his mind and he has to write me a song about his feelings. I've never had a guy that wanted to do that. I want an artsy, aesthetic kind of guy. I feel like I'll never find a man who is enough like me for it to work the way it should...and that's what saddens me. I CAN live without a man (or boy, in the case of the last, well ALL of the previous BOYfriends [haha]) but it would be nice to EVENTUALLY find someone to at least have a decent relationship with (even if it doesn't last forever) that I can have an actual INTELLIGENT conversation with. I want to know that he agrees with the majority of my ideals, and be able to see I'm not speaking "gibberish" to him when conversing on topics of interests to me. I want to be able to finally have someone understand me, the real me.
This brings me around to something that has sincerely been on my mind most of my life, but even more so recently. I was born in the wrong century. I feel as though my ideals, my moralistic intentions, would be more fitting in the latter half of the 19th century rather than the 21st. I enjoy the novels from that time more than most from this century. The way they talked back then, from the heart, from the soul, and mostly truth. There was honor and purity. There wasn't this overwhelming pressure from the media and society to be as whorish and drugged up as possible. You were just you, and art was sincerely appreciated. Women weren't horrible if they didn't wish to work, well, most of them didn't actually work outside the home in those days. Oh! how I envy women like Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley and Edith Wharton. They had such an appreciation for literature and for art of any kind, and it shows in their work. I would give almost anything to go back to that time period and meet all of my favorite authors, Oscar Wilde, Mary Shelley, and Emily Bronte being my top three. I would love to ask them about the things which so inspired them to write such wonderful novels, what inspired their poetry. I think part of the reason I am so drawn to the writing style of this time is that it emphasizes the darker side of the human psyche, and that dark side is very much understood by me. I have always struggled with those dark feelings, lust, hatred, sadness, and envy. I'm sure there are many people who struggle with these feelings, but I have yet to meet one who I might sympathize with.
On another topic...I'm starting to feel as though I should surrender my friendship with Terran. As was previously stated, I'm sick and tired of the one-sided friendship with her. Today is the perfect example. She called begging for my advice, she and Matt had gotten into a fight (she never really said what about), and he told her to leave him alone. She kept saying she didn't know what to do, and asked me to tell her what she should do. My advice was simple, talk to him, talk things through. She vehemently refused, saying that he wouldn't. So I told her I would have Mom come get her for a few hours so they could both cool off (mentioning of course that she has said on repeated occasions that she "can leave whenever she pleases") but she again refused, stating that he would just assume that she was going to a guy's house to fool around on him. THAT RIGHT THERE, that's what is pissing me off. She had a perfect chance to get away and let him cool off, but she couldn't because "he would think I'm going to another guy's house, and we would break up". He obviously doesn't trust her, and she thinks he's talking to another girl online, so she obviously doesn't trust him. I think she was stupid to take him back, but the choice was not mine. So at this point, I couldn't take her shit anymore. I told her, "Terran, I can't be the 'nice' friend and tell you all the positive things you 'need to hear'. My honest opinion? You have three choices right now: 1, go talk to him, 2, leave and let him cool off, letting him know you're coming over here, or 3, leave him for good. That's all I can advise." She, of course, made accuses for him, and why she couldn't leave, as she has always done and always will. I was growing so frustrated with her "helplessness" that I was near exploding on her. Instead I made mention of the fact that I seem to be the only person I know that can live happily with OUT a guy in my life. She just laughed and changed the subject...not surprising.
I wish I could throw that in Bob's face right now. I'm the only one of all my friends having a decent go at the moment, and it's all because I have no guy to chase, nor to chase me. I'm perfectly content. I'm writing again, I'm listening to music that touches my soul and is pleasing to the ears, and have no complaints--other than not being able to find a job and feeling horrible because Mom is supplying everything and she really cannot afford it. I would be even happier if I could actually make a contribution around here. I would clean, but with Mom's hoarding problem, that's nearly impossible and would take longer than it's worth to accomplish. I'm sure by the time I got one room clean, having moved everything around and back again, it would be time to clean it again. Haha, that's absolutely horrible and I'm aware of it. I'm trying to help her, I really am. I need to keep hinting at her to get rid of all the old VHS tapes, like the 8 or so boxes of just Days Of Our Lives she will NEVER watch. For one, VHS are practically useless, and two, there's no point in keeping things that will never get used and only take up space needed for living. I'm sure if I called the people from Hoarders, they would walk in here and just start grabbing stuff and throwing it out the door. Mom really has a problem, and I'm trying everything I can think of trying without seeking outside help. If I can't figure out a way to get through to her, I'm going to find some kind of therapist to do so. I can't keep watching her slowly burying herself alive. I've also been gradually, and sneakily, throwing little things away, like three of the empty mixed nuts cans she has been keeping around. She needs to understand if you haven't used something in the 10 or more years you've had it, throw it away or give it away so someone who will actually use it is able to do so.
I'm not sure what else to comment on, I haven't had much material. Oh, Jenni and I are going out this Friday, having a "girl's date night", doll up, go out to eat, then to the bar. It should be exceedingly entertaining, as long as Shawn and his "fiancee" (those will always be sarcastic quotations) aren't there. If they are, I'll do my best to ignore their existence. I just know he'll think he has to have the last word, see me and try to do just that. I'm just glad I finally don't care. I still hate him, and part of me is still intensely devoted to him (and always will be) but at the same time I feel an immense indifference toward him. He is nothing more than a six month period of happiness, followed by one of the darkest depressions of my life. To put it in more clear terms, a waste of time and admiration, but a lesson learned nonetheless. A smile crossed my face, a smug one in fact, when I wrote the previous sentence. I'm more proud of myself than anyone that I can look at that period in that way. Mom is just glad I'm not horribly depressed still. I will confess, I am. I'm still in a dark place, but not as dark as I had been for the nearly two months preceding and three months following the break up. Shawn never knew how miserable I really was. I don't think anyone really did, I tried my hardest not to show it. I am and always have been prone to dark spells at random, though they always seem to foreshadow a tragedy of some kind. I had a deep depression in the two or three months before Jupiter and I broke up too. It started the same with Shawn as it did with Jupiter. It began as mere doubt, a thought only, and slowly progressed into something terrible, disturbing my normal sleep, causing upset in my relationship with food, and horrible nightmares. Shawn never noticed, or if he did, he didn't care enough to inquire. I knew in my gut that we would never last, that we would never work, but my heart wouldn't allow that feeling to reach my brain, and so came the doubt and gradual depression.
I hate talking about him at all, it makes me feel like I'm where I was a week after we broke up, but I can't stop the anger, betrayal and the thoughts about them from spilling over the wall I have built to keep them back. I suppose I feel that when I go on and on about him and the crap he did, or didn't do (which is worse) that I'm doing exactly what he wants, thinking about him, boosting his ego even higher and bigger. When really, what I'm doing is getting him out of my system. As soon as I say all the things that have EVER been in my mind about him or having anything to do with him, I'll never think of him again. I know it will take time, but it'll be completely worth it when it's over.
Kassie and I had a webcam chat this evening. It went well. Unfortunately, she's having problems with Cheek, mostly fears of her own that are troubling her thoughts and stressing her our immensely. I know exactly how she feels. I don't want to admit it to her, but that is where my troubles always begin, and precede the depression that inevitably follows, which is followed by the end of the relationship. I didn't have the heart to tell her. Although part of my problem in that situation is that I have yet to be with anyone who wants to make it work, they show no promise, so I give up. They may pull it off and last forever, and I hope for her sake, they do. He makes her happy, and she does the same for him.
Speaking of wastes of time who didn't care to make things work...haha. Matt Harrison...he and Korrie DID have a baby. I saw the picture on his mom's Facebook page. I still have mixed feelings about it all. I never got closure with Matt and I loved him immensely, and will forever hate him for the way things went. I don't hate myself at all. I did everything I could have possibly done for him, short of letting him impregnate me. I didn't stop him from getting TRASHED EVERY NIGHT, instead, I put up with the emotion roller coaster and took care of him like a child when the spirits and drugs were too much for his body and he spent the night with his head in a trash bin. I think I did too much for him.
In fact, the night Shawn got wasted and spent the night vomiting, that's when the doubt started. I know it was at the end of July, or beginning of August. I remember thinking, "He's just like Matt. I'm going to have to abuse myself and take care of him like a baby. He'll never grow up and stop smoking pot, or drinking himself sick." That was the first time I had the strong urge to end it for real. That was when I started feeling numb toward him. That was the night it was over in my heart, I quit trying. Wow, epiphany yet again.
I have nothing more to note upon at present. I think I'm just gonna let that epiphany sink in while I sleep and come back to it later.
Good night.
I've been listening to The Audition for the last hour and a half..and I've mostly been cheery about it, but I came across the song "It's Gonna Be Hard(When I'm Gone)" and I started crying. This song describes the type of man I've always wanted. One who loves me so much and loves being around me so much that I'm always on his mind and he has to write me a song about his feelings. I've never had a guy that wanted to do that. I want an artsy, aesthetic kind of guy. I feel like I'll never find a man who is enough like me for it to work the way it should...and that's what saddens me. I CAN live without a man (or boy, in the case of the last, well ALL of the previous BOYfriends [haha]) but it would be nice to EVENTUALLY find someone to at least have a decent relationship with (even if it doesn't last forever) that I can have an actual INTELLIGENT conversation with. I want to know that he agrees with the majority of my ideals, and be able to see I'm not speaking "gibberish" to him when conversing on topics of interests to me. I want to be able to finally have someone understand me, the real me.
This brings me around to something that has sincerely been on my mind most of my life, but even more so recently. I was born in the wrong century. I feel as though my ideals, my moralistic intentions, would be more fitting in the latter half of the 19th century rather than the 21st. I enjoy the novels from that time more than most from this century. The way they talked back then, from the heart, from the soul, and mostly truth. There was honor and purity. There wasn't this overwhelming pressure from the media and society to be as whorish and drugged up as possible. You were just you, and art was sincerely appreciated. Women weren't horrible if they didn't wish to work, well, most of them didn't actually work outside the home in those days. Oh! how I envy women like Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley and Edith Wharton. They had such an appreciation for literature and for art of any kind, and it shows in their work. I would give almost anything to go back to that time period and meet all of my favorite authors, Oscar Wilde, Mary Shelley, and Emily Bronte being my top three. I would love to ask them about the things which so inspired them to write such wonderful novels, what inspired their poetry. I think part of the reason I am so drawn to the writing style of this time is that it emphasizes the darker side of the human psyche, and that dark side is very much understood by me. I have always struggled with those dark feelings, lust, hatred, sadness, and envy. I'm sure there are many people who struggle with these feelings, but I have yet to meet one who I might sympathize with.
On another topic...I'm starting to feel as though I should surrender my friendship with Terran. As was previously stated, I'm sick and tired of the one-sided friendship with her. Today is the perfect example. She called begging for my advice, she and Matt had gotten into a fight (she never really said what about), and he told her to leave him alone. She kept saying she didn't know what to do, and asked me to tell her what she should do. My advice was simple, talk to him, talk things through. She vehemently refused, saying that he wouldn't. So I told her I would have Mom come get her for a few hours so they could both cool off (mentioning of course that she has said on repeated occasions that she "can leave whenever she pleases") but she again refused, stating that he would just assume that she was going to a guy's house to fool around on him. THAT RIGHT THERE, that's what is pissing me off. She had a perfect chance to get away and let him cool off, but she couldn't because "he would think I'm going to another guy's house, and we would break up". He obviously doesn't trust her, and she thinks he's talking to another girl online, so she obviously doesn't trust him. I think she was stupid to take him back, but the choice was not mine. So at this point, I couldn't take her shit anymore. I told her, "Terran, I can't be the 'nice' friend and tell you all the positive things you 'need to hear'. My honest opinion? You have three choices right now: 1, go talk to him, 2, leave and let him cool off, letting him know you're coming over here, or 3, leave him for good. That's all I can advise." She, of course, made accuses for him, and why she couldn't leave, as she has always done and always will. I was growing so frustrated with her "helplessness" that I was near exploding on her. Instead I made mention of the fact that I seem to be the only person I know that can live happily with OUT a guy in my life. She just laughed and changed the subject...not surprising.
I wish I could throw that in Bob's face right now. I'm the only one of all my friends having a decent go at the moment, and it's all because I have no guy to chase, nor to chase me. I'm perfectly content. I'm writing again, I'm listening to music that touches my soul and is pleasing to the ears, and have no complaints--other than not being able to find a job and feeling horrible because Mom is supplying everything and she really cannot afford it. I would be even happier if I could actually make a contribution around here. I would clean, but with Mom's hoarding problem, that's nearly impossible and would take longer than it's worth to accomplish. I'm sure by the time I got one room clean, having moved everything around and back again, it would be time to clean it again. Haha, that's absolutely horrible and I'm aware of it. I'm trying to help her, I really am. I need to keep hinting at her to get rid of all the old VHS tapes, like the 8 or so boxes of just Days Of Our Lives she will NEVER watch. For one, VHS are practically useless, and two, there's no point in keeping things that will never get used and only take up space needed for living. I'm sure if I called the people from Hoarders, they would walk in here and just start grabbing stuff and throwing it out the door. Mom really has a problem, and I'm trying everything I can think of trying without seeking outside help. If I can't figure out a way to get through to her, I'm going to find some kind of therapist to do so. I can't keep watching her slowly burying herself alive. I've also been gradually, and sneakily, throwing little things away, like three of the empty mixed nuts cans she has been keeping around. She needs to understand if you haven't used something in the 10 or more years you've had it, throw it away or give it away so someone who will actually use it is able to do so.
I'm not sure what else to comment on, I haven't had much material. Oh, Jenni and I are going out this Friday, having a "girl's date night", doll up, go out to eat, then to the bar. It should be exceedingly entertaining, as long as Shawn and his "fiancee" (those will always be sarcastic quotations) aren't there. If they are, I'll do my best to ignore their existence. I just know he'll think he has to have the last word, see me and try to do just that. I'm just glad I finally don't care. I still hate him, and part of me is still intensely devoted to him (and always will be) but at the same time I feel an immense indifference toward him. He is nothing more than a six month period of happiness, followed by one of the darkest depressions of my life. To put it in more clear terms, a waste of time and admiration, but a lesson learned nonetheless. A smile crossed my face, a smug one in fact, when I wrote the previous sentence. I'm more proud of myself than anyone that I can look at that period in that way. Mom is just glad I'm not horribly depressed still. I will confess, I am. I'm still in a dark place, but not as dark as I had been for the nearly two months preceding and three months following the break up. Shawn never knew how miserable I really was. I don't think anyone really did, I tried my hardest not to show it. I am and always have been prone to dark spells at random, though they always seem to foreshadow a tragedy of some kind. I had a deep depression in the two or three months before Jupiter and I broke up too. It started the same with Shawn as it did with Jupiter. It began as mere doubt, a thought only, and slowly progressed into something terrible, disturbing my normal sleep, causing upset in my relationship with food, and horrible nightmares. Shawn never noticed, or if he did, he didn't care enough to inquire. I knew in my gut that we would never last, that we would never work, but my heart wouldn't allow that feeling to reach my brain, and so came the doubt and gradual depression.
I hate talking about him at all, it makes me feel like I'm where I was a week after we broke up, but I can't stop the anger, betrayal and the thoughts about them from spilling over the wall I have built to keep them back. I suppose I feel that when I go on and on about him and the crap he did, or didn't do (which is worse) that I'm doing exactly what he wants, thinking about him, boosting his ego even higher and bigger. When really, what I'm doing is getting him out of my system. As soon as I say all the things that have EVER been in my mind about him or having anything to do with him, I'll never think of him again. I know it will take time, but it'll be completely worth it when it's over.
Kassie and I had a webcam chat this evening. It went well. Unfortunately, she's having problems with Cheek, mostly fears of her own that are troubling her thoughts and stressing her our immensely. I know exactly how she feels. I don't want to admit it to her, but that is where my troubles always begin, and precede the depression that inevitably follows, which is followed by the end of the relationship. I didn't have the heart to tell her. Although part of my problem in that situation is that I have yet to be with anyone who wants to make it work, they show no promise, so I give up. They may pull it off and last forever, and I hope for her sake, they do. He makes her happy, and she does the same for him.
Speaking of wastes of time who didn't care to make things work...haha. Matt Harrison...he and Korrie DID have a baby. I saw the picture on his mom's Facebook page. I still have mixed feelings about it all. I never got closure with Matt and I loved him immensely, and will forever hate him for the way things went. I don't hate myself at all. I did everything I could have possibly done for him, short of letting him impregnate me. I didn't stop him from getting TRASHED EVERY NIGHT, instead, I put up with the emotion roller coaster and took care of him like a child when the spirits and drugs were too much for his body and he spent the night with his head in a trash bin. I think I did too much for him.
In fact, the night Shawn got wasted and spent the night vomiting, that's when the doubt started. I know it was at the end of July, or beginning of August. I remember thinking, "He's just like Matt. I'm going to have to abuse myself and take care of him like a baby. He'll never grow up and stop smoking pot, or drinking himself sick." That was the first time I had the strong urge to end it for real. That was when I started feeling numb toward him. That was the night it was over in my heart, I quit trying. Wow, epiphany yet again.
I have nothing more to note upon at present. I think I'm just gonna let that epiphany sink in while I sleep and come back to it later.
Good night.