I'm bad at this friend thing lately.
My world..is shattered. I can't quite explain it. But I can try. I'm from Lakeville Minnesota.. then I moved farther south to New Market.. and then in October of 2004 I moved to Faribault Minnesota. Even farther south than New Market. I missed my friends, my car broke down and I got a new one. I was fine. I had a job, a car and I was still able to go visit my friends in Apple Valley. But then last May my car broke on me. I didn't have driving access for nine months. Not access to a vehicle I could drive on a whim, drive when I wanted..etc..etc..
So for nine months.. I was slowly shutting down. The internet, and occassional going somewhere if a friend wanted to come get me. Other than that.. nothing. I had to quit my job in Rosemount and find one here. So last summer I was out of a job for a couple months. I have a job now, my car works now and I'm kind of making new friends.
But there's one problem. And it's probably mostly me. I don't know how to make friends anymore. As I was shut into my house for a near year with nothing, no car and all my friends elsewhere. Ever met an extrovert turned introvert. If you've met me, you have. I hate it. I hate this wall I built up. This paranoia. This distrust of people. This unknowing of how to create people into friends. I feel like the stupid girl in the corner with these new people. The one that nobody wants to associate with and I just have a strong feeling.. these new people that could be possible awesome friends.... aren't thinking that at all.
But I don't know how to tear down that wall. I don't know how to become closer to somebody without them thinking it's going to lead more than what it really will. People don't understand that generally.. when I meet somebody I trust entirely.. I give them my heart.. even as just a friend. Sounds silly, sure..but it's true. Steven.. Jeni... Liz.. they have my heart... because they have always been good friends to me. Criss.. she's online.. but she still has my heart entirely. She's one of my best friends. But I can't seem to find a way to allow that access to somebody else. I feel guilty trying to be good friends with a guy that has a girlfriend and I don't know why. I don't feel as if people would talk behind my back. And I don't want people thinkin' I'm a fuckin' whore whose trying to steal somebody else's man. Because.. I'm honestly not like that at all.
Yeah yeah.. so my pictures, comments.. etc..etc are scandalous but I'm really not that scandalous at all. I'm a pretty easy going, thin skinned, easy to fall in love type of girl that doesn't want her heart broken and stepped on again.
I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect emotionally, mentally, or physically. But I'm still a nice person. usually. Everybody has their bitchy moments, their bad thoughts and their dislike for things and people. But right now. I just got done crying for a half hour because I'm so fuckin' miserable right now and I am not certain as to what stuck this fuse.
I think it was the Peppermill. My sister annoyed me. Her two friends that were sitting with me, annoyed me. I love them, I do. But I can get annoyed just like anybody else. And I don't know why I was so easily annoyed. I felt left out a little bit. I probably should have made a better attempt at talking to the other people, however, I don't like feeling like I'm being pushy or annoying and trying to push my company on people that may not want it, especially when there isn't room at the other tables.
I didn't want to leave the three girls feeling bad at the table either since the other two girls were at another table because there wasn't room at the one we sat at. I don't blame anybody for what happened tonight.. not really. Just a bunch of bad circumstances for what my mood was.
Being at the Peppermill reminded me, as well, of Steven. Jeni.. who moved .. oh lord..forever ago. Four years ago almost. But especially of Steven and the group I used to hang out with. I never felt left out, because I already knew those people. It was a slightly smaller group as well, however. They liked me, and I liked them and things were just different. I miss my best friend.. Steven. he probably has more of my heart than he realizes.. probably more than I even realize. Not the relationship type of thing though. Don't go thinking that. I love Steven until forever.. but I came to terms along time ago that him and I.. would never ever work out more than friends. Otherwise I'd never of let him continue with Melissa. I would have told him right away I wanted to be with him. But I could never ever break up our friendship. It means way too much to me.
I don't want to be fucked with. I've had my share of heartache. I just want to tear down my wall, and I want to find people that are going to be patient with me, but nobody seems to be able to be patient enough to deal with me. So I sent Steven an email because I didn't want to bother him with a fuckin' phone call. I didn't even want to cry on the phone to Liz. I always feel like I'm being bothersome when I do that shit.
For those of you that actually read this, for those of you that care enough to call me because you're worried about me because you read a blog entry... you know who you are... thank you. J.. (Justin), thank you for the love. You're a great friend even if we don't really talk much.
And Jay.. thanks for the phone call. You have no fuckin' idea how nice it was to know that somebody actually cared enough to worry. It's been a while since somebody called me because they were worried about me.
And thank you to the one in the instant message with me right now. (Jonny) The one whose trying to get me to talk, the one wanting to be my friend and listen. You're on the right track. But like I said, it's hard to get in there completely. And with all the things that have been happening to me recently.. it's been even harder to get me to get close to people like I used to be able to. It was easy for Steven to become my best friend.. I was in high school then. I'm old now..
......
I tell people not to worry about me, I tell them.. "I'll get over it" .. yeah I will.. but then it usually comes back to haunt me. I really do just want to be taken care of. I'm tired of being miserable.
But on a note.. I am trying to break down the wall I built up at least. I just need help. I don't have the strength to do it all by myself. So if you see me by myself..standing there.. looking like I feel stupid.. come talk to me. Drag me around with you. Do something. Don't let me sit there and be miserable, please?
So for nine months.. I was slowly shutting down. The internet, and occassional going somewhere if a friend wanted to come get me. Other than that.. nothing. I had to quit my job in Rosemount and find one here. So last summer I was out of a job for a couple months. I have a job now, my car works now and I'm kind of making new friends.
But there's one problem. And it's probably mostly me. I don't know how to make friends anymore. As I was shut into my house for a near year with nothing, no car and all my friends elsewhere. Ever met an extrovert turned introvert. If you've met me, you have. I hate it. I hate this wall I built up. This paranoia. This distrust of people. This unknowing of how to create people into friends. I feel like the stupid girl in the corner with these new people. The one that nobody wants to associate with and I just have a strong feeling.. these new people that could be possible awesome friends.... aren't thinking that at all.
But I don't know how to tear down that wall. I don't know how to become closer to somebody without them thinking it's going to lead more than what it really will. People don't understand that generally.. when I meet somebody I trust entirely.. I give them my heart.. even as just a friend. Sounds silly, sure..but it's true. Steven.. Jeni... Liz.. they have my heart... because they have always been good friends to me. Criss.. she's online.. but she still has my heart entirely. She's one of my best friends. But I can't seem to find a way to allow that access to somebody else. I feel guilty trying to be good friends with a guy that has a girlfriend and I don't know why. I don't feel as if people would talk behind my back. And I don't want people thinkin' I'm a fuckin' whore whose trying to steal somebody else's man. Because.. I'm honestly not like that at all.
Yeah yeah.. so my pictures, comments.. etc..etc are scandalous but I'm really not that scandalous at all. I'm a pretty easy going, thin skinned, easy to fall in love type of girl that doesn't want her heart broken and stepped on again.
I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect emotionally, mentally, or physically. But I'm still a nice person. usually. Everybody has their bitchy moments, their bad thoughts and their dislike for things and people. But right now. I just got done crying for a half hour because I'm so fuckin' miserable right now and I am not certain as to what stuck this fuse.
I think it was the Peppermill. My sister annoyed me. Her two friends that were sitting with me, annoyed me. I love them, I do. But I can get annoyed just like anybody else. And I don't know why I was so easily annoyed. I felt left out a little bit. I probably should have made a better attempt at talking to the other people, however, I don't like feeling like I'm being pushy or annoying and trying to push my company on people that may not want it, especially when there isn't room at the other tables.
I didn't want to leave the three girls feeling bad at the table either since the other two girls were at another table because there wasn't room at the one we sat at. I don't blame anybody for what happened tonight.. not really. Just a bunch of bad circumstances for what my mood was.
Being at the Peppermill reminded me, as well, of Steven. Jeni.. who moved .. oh lord..forever ago. Four years ago almost. But especially of Steven and the group I used to hang out with. I never felt left out, because I already knew those people. It was a slightly smaller group as well, however. They liked me, and I liked them and things were just different. I miss my best friend.. Steven. he probably has more of my heart than he realizes.. probably more than I even realize. Not the relationship type of thing though. Don't go thinking that. I love Steven until forever.. but I came to terms along time ago that him and I.. would never ever work out more than friends. Otherwise I'd never of let him continue with Melissa. I would have told him right away I wanted to be with him. But I could never ever break up our friendship. It means way too much to me.
I don't want to be fucked with. I've had my share of heartache. I just want to tear down my wall, and I want to find people that are going to be patient with me, but nobody seems to be able to be patient enough to deal with me. So I sent Steven an email because I didn't want to bother him with a fuckin' phone call. I didn't even want to cry on the phone to Liz. I always feel like I'm being bothersome when I do that shit.
For those of you that actually read this, for those of you that care enough to call me because you're worried about me because you read a blog entry... you know who you are... thank you. J.. (Justin), thank you for the love. You're a great friend even if we don't really talk much.
And Jay.. thanks for the phone call. You have no fuckin' idea how nice it was to know that somebody actually cared enough to worry. It's been a while since somebody called me because they were worried about me.
And thank you to the one in the instant message with me right now. (Jonny) The one whose trying to get me to talk, the one wanting to be my friend and listen. You're on the right track. But like I said, it's hard to get in there completely. And with all the things that have been happening to me recently.. it's been even harder to get me to get close to people like I used to be able to. It was easy for Steven to become my best friend.. I was in high school then. I'm old now..
......
I tell people not to worry about me, I tell them.. "I'll get over it" .. yeah I will.. but then it usually comes back to haunt me. I really do just want to be taken care of. I'm tired of being miserable.
But on a note.. I am trying to break down the wall I built up at least. I just need help. I don't have the strength to do it all by myself. So if you see me by myself..standing there.. looking like I feel stupid.. come talk to me. Drag me around with you. Do something. Don't let me sit there and be miserable, please?