Kink Me! #29
Kink Me! #29
*closed to new prompts*Welcome to Kink Me! Merlin #29!
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Merlin likes Percival judging by what he tells Arthur in the evening. Percival is tactful and efficient and the only thing that makes Merlin restless now is the fact that a good nurse costs a lot and Arthur’s paying for everything. Arthur thinks if it will be really rude to say that now Merlin can hardly go and pull a shift or two in the hearest coffehouse or bookstore for the sake of his independence.
It’s not even that the money that Arthur pays to Percival are of any significance to him; he pays more to get his car properly washed and cleaned every week. Sadly, this kind of arguement makes Merlin either miserable or angry so Arthur settles on keeping his mouth shut just this once.
“I’m grateful”, says Merlin awkwardly when the pause becomes unbearably huge and torturous. “For being there for me, you know. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Arthur knows that Merlin is sincere. What would seem an attempt at flattery or at attacking his bank accounts or his bachelor status coming from any other person is painfully true and honest coming from Merlin. Merlin most probably wouldn’t give a fuck if Arthur lost all his money tomorrow and would just say that they’d have to really cut down on that overpriced African coffee that they both like shamelessly. Merlin never asks Arthur for anything other then being himself and almost never accepts anything else.
But he knows how to express his feelings and does just that whenever he deems it necessary. It always catches Arthur anwares and leaves him vulnerable and Arthur thinks right now with his heart thudding heavily somewhere at his throat and at the pit of his stomach at the same time that it’s the only thing he could ever hate Merlin for. If he ever could hate Merlin on principle, of course.
“You’d probably stay over somewhere that night and wouldn’t be hurrying back to our place exhausted and in the dark”, says Arthur and it’s probably the wrong thing to say but then he doesn’t know what the right one is like.
Merlin winces and Arthur muses that maybe Merlin has thought of that himself before but has shooed the unkind and hopeless thought away. That would be very Merlin-ish.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“There’s a thousand of things that made everything happen the way it did. It’s not like I’d be perfectly safe if I never met you.”
“Is that what you told yourself while thinking about it?” asks Arthur. It might sound a bit too mean even for him, the Certified Prattish Clotpole, but he honestly wants to know and doesn’t imply anything. He’s got enough shit on his mind these days as it is and doesn’t want to add some more by offending Merlin.
Merlin doesn’t wince this time but his fingers clutching the blanket on his lap are white and unmoving.
Arthur goes down on his knees, takes Merlin’s hands in his own carefully and kisses his fingers lightly, those slender delicate fingers that he secretly worshipped before and for some unfathomable reason worships even more now when they will never touch him the way he wants them to again. “I’m sorry”, says he resting his head on Merlin’s lap. It feels like a solid rock in the middle of a storming sea. “I’m sorry so much. I didn’t mean for it to look like… that.”
There were days when apologies had to be practically dragged out of him forcefully. This one slips easily from his tongue because it’s not for what he feels guilty about.
“I know you didn’t”, says Merlin and his voice is soft and sad as if he sees through all of Arthur’s confused cowardly thoughts and never says anything just out of pity for either Arthur or their relationship that is no longer what it once was. “I love you.”
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