Yesterdays
It's been a very, very, long time since I have journaled, and I feel like maybe it's time to continue forward and begin journaling once again. It is indeed a cathartic and emotionally important excersise in cataloging one's life.
The last time I posted I was still living in my home town of Tulsa, aching to get out and head west to the pacific northwest. I still have that goal and dream in mind and heart.
Adrian and I have gone through some very difficult times up to about a month ago. Financially and mentally health wise for us both. The wreckage of that takes a toll on one's mind and heart at times.
Fortunantly now, we are free to work and finish up school in an exquisite place you'll hear me reffer to as the Magic Cottage. We reside there with our dear friends and chosen (Leather) family members, Summer and John. I am forever in their debt for showing us what it means to really be alive.
Recently, my granny Laura passed away after 3-4 years of grueling painful sickness....I was alongside my Pa, her husband of 58 years in caregiving for her while she was in hospice care, where she graduated out of hospice care and lived another two years. She was in an unfair amount of physical pain and agony before leaving this world for a place with no troubles....She passed away on April 16th, 2009 at the age of 74. I miss her so very very much. It had been a long time since she was able to carry on a coherent lucid conversation, it would come in bits and peices as it typically does in the elderly who are sick.
All my life I had been dreading the day when she and her husband, my Pa, passed becuase I was closer to them than my parents who I don;t have an optimal relationship with. The bond I have with Granny and Pa surpasses many things I cannot even begin to describe. I'm goign to miss Granny but I am relieved for her that she is no longer in agony.
Today my Mother called the Magic Cottage here in Norman to tell me that her father, my other Grandfather died suddenly in his sleep after being ridden with various heart and diabetic conditions which were rather serious in nature. I've been handling Granny's death far better than I expected and I have to thank Adrian, Summer and John for that, and the woods around the house and all of the little creatures that remind me of what life really is all about.
But today I am teary and thoughtful. Mom called 45 minutes ago to tell me about her dad....I am signifigantly more teary this time. There are so many things swirling in my mind and I guess the good thing that has come of this is that I now feel a desire to try and contact my parents who I may not have a good relationship with; but despite that and despite their effort or lack thereof I feel compelled to make an effort, they (parents and paternal granfather, "Pa") are all I have left and no matter what they are still my parents.
Here's to living life with absolute meaning and mindfullness.
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