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the innocence mission > bright as yellowfoggy hot sickness i slept after you left or i left.. i hung up first right? i always do. thats my job. guess whaaat... right this moment im being productive for the first time all day. starting now - my homework. i think if i finish and if i sleep again ill be okay becuase i am okay... i ate dry dry dry
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when i read that i thought i was actually there and it felt good briefly. i cant explain it. i knew i wasnt, but...hm...i woke and you were there. in my mind. i still have to give you your shirt back.
initially i thought yes. for some reason. that people would be as they are. but thats.....no. realistically, people would be different. their "soul" and their "persona". because both of those things are shaped by your experiences. by your surroundings. if you lived under different conditions with different surroundings and experienceing different things....you'd be a completely different person.
thats why i dont literally regret things. i mean....there are things i sometimes wish i didnt do or hadnt happen. but if those events didnt occur....i don't know what i, or the people around me, would be like today.
imagining how things could have been different is not at all like regret. regret is when you actually wish something different had happened.
"if theres one thing you can say about edward bloom.."
thats...probably not quoted properly. not exactly what was said but...yea.
im sociable when i want to be. bus drivers, etc. it can work to my advantage. not the kind of advantage as in....gaining power. or anything. more to the advantage of knowing someone else in the world. in that case, on sunday, he made sure we didnt miss our stop.
your so hard on yourself for that. not saying anything when you met my parents. i dont usually say anything to your parents. nothing of substance. you were great. she loves you. naturally. you make it seem like….”oh i blew it. my only chance” but you were great and you shall see her again. don’t worry.
don’t worry…
you didn’t cry for no reason at all. i mean…maybe it wasn’t a reason in that sense. maybe it was a feeling. had some bad feeling and it made you cry. m sorry i didn’t know what to do…you like…avoided eye contact and i didn’t know what to do. i couldn’t say everything was okay. because….that would be ignorant. i thought everything was but obviously its not. and i don’t know what it is. so i didn’t say anything. i could say everything was okay. what i could have said though was “its okay” as in…its okay. for you to cry. don’t be sorry.
hahaha. no, i only complained about my pants when i was walking. it was chafing me and i was really, really afraid of messing up your home. once i sat down it was okay, and with the towel, i wasnt concerned about making a mess. it would be ridiculous for your parents to come home or your brother or whatever, unexpectedly…
that part in the book….”too much”…i really related to that part….i felt the exact same way. now im better about it. but that you would say that….really surprised me. i mean…i don’t know. im so scared im hurting you. you saying that made me think of that indirectly. like…hm….nevermind.
your lj pic is great.
are you doing anything sunday? you have a lot of work?
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..ahaHA.
thats so simple. yet... really interesting. i mean, as fascinated as i was with genetics in biology - and as obvious as that should be, its still amazing how the tiniest event can dictate the existence of an entire life.
i read what you had to say about regreting, and i agree.
. sometimes i think im just too lazy to regret the past. taking on the "whats done is done" attitude because obsessing over whats already happened is too much. but re-thinking that... accepting things would often actually be harder.
heh - i knew you were going to bring up the bus driver.
i used to be like that. id say all the time that "i love making friends!" (which sounds really retarded) - and its still true. i love learning about people and interacting with people in general. but im stupid because i dont want to give back. its harder now to carry on a conversation because id rather just listen to someone's every thought and never have to worry about replying. its not being shy. maybe just laziness again.
seeing you talk with people like that, kind of randomly and openly, ... it makes me want to be able to again.
on the way to bubble tea once in the winter. i turned around looking for you and you were walking farther behind everyone, with an old lady. it was only a few minutes and then she left and you told us about how she was from new brunswick or newfoundland or someplace.. in the maritimes... different things about her and that shes nice.
it hurt to know that if it had been me she passed by, thats all that would have happened.
smile.
and pass.
and none of us would have known of her at all.
this isnt making sense. i just cant describe... how wrong you are - when you say things like, "im so scared im hurting you". because you arent.
you make me want to be more like i used to be.
you make me want to be a better person. (*ahem*asgoodasitgets)
and... if im randomly sad or moody. thats part of me being myself... not brought on by you - if anything it happens a lot LESS often because of you.
you dont tell me about yourself so much anymore.
you tell me about what your familys up to, or you ask whats wrong with me...
but how are you?
stressed or sad at all? bored?
i think sometimes you must be. [bored]
& sunday...
not much. yes, work. art class.
what did you have in mind?
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