GEEZ..
I've just noticed....My last update was 6 WEEKS AGO!! Well, I might as well comment on what is going on in my oh so very exciting life.
First, hmmm I attended my very first, and probably not last, con the New York Anime Festival. I was excited and acted like a rampaging fan girl. Now, that I got over magicalness of my first con. I know what I need to do for up and coming ones.
Let's goodies and souvenirs...I got the autographs and a mini drawing from my fav America(?) (consider one of was not even born in this country) mangakas Svetlana Chmakova and M. Alice LeGrow. Well, I didn't know Ms. LeGrow attended until the next day. I had left my latest issues of Bizenghast at home. So I did the only sane thing a fan girl would do. Buy another copy and sell the first unsigned copy. I got many other peoples autographs to but those two had a lasting impression.
I also signed up for two anime magazines. I also got free swag. Some comic guy was giving stuff away for free. I got lost of stuff to sell and love. (Hits selfs) Oh, bought many pretty yaoi doujinshi.
My best friend attended the con but he's more of a comic otaku.
Back to the point, I'm planning to attend NY Comic Con and possibly AnimeNext. I going to buy the ticket for Animenext sometime this week. I'll buy the ticket for Comic Con in February. I signed up for a chance to get free tickets.
This gives me time to plan who I'm (hopefully) going to cosplay. (First timer, so I have to be careful about this.) I plan to have who I'm going to cosplay by mid February. So I can make an order on Cosaru (i.e I can't sew to save my life....) and have it ready by the time comic con roles around I'll problably use the same cosplay (I think) for AnimeNext. If I feel comfortable about it after Comic Con.
Strangely enough my only supporters are my friends that are slightly into anime and my KH obsessed friend. Both will probably be supportive. I plan to make hotel reservations Mid January. I plan to do this in case I scare myself of and not end up going....I know myself....My mother strangely enough I encourage me to go. WHy? Because I like this stuff and well she has notice a change in me. I have as well.
Other things that are happening in life. My grandmother is back from Peru and the fighting has intensified. Not only does my grandpa pick a fight with my mum, my grandma joins and the fight becomes fucking worse. Both try guilt into going to a business I hate(ie my mum restaurant) They deem it worthy to pick on the fact that I dropped out off college, my weight and many other hurtful things.
My mother tries to stop it after nearly two decades of submission. (For me at least. For my mum, its her whole life.) Instead it all becomes worse. I do the only thing I can while stuck in the car. Turn up te volume on my iPod and makes sure the music is not sad but enough to cover the shouting.
Even then fight extends to house (and on occasions (ie many times) in the business). My grandmother blames my grandfather for being a lousy womanizing alcoholic husband. Never the mind that she was having an affair with a married man who never loved. Which was why my grandpa drank and occasionally womanized. Of course she would NEVER admit heaven forgive she was wrong.
After all, my grandpa was a lousy husband. He raised her 3 children as his own, gave them all an education. Along w. my mum and uncle. He took her kids for her lovers home because she wanted them. He gave her a steady income, gave her not one but two houses and lets not forget brought all HER children to the Us. Oh yes he was a lousy husband. Granted he was (and still is even he say he's not drinking) an alcoholic. He was a lousy parent ( he admits to this). In reality they both were.
Now they're trying and Partially succeding in ruin both my mother and my lives. But I not going to let them. I'm going to get back into college either next year or the year after and live in the dorms. As God as my witness, my mother is putting together this restaurant so I can get and stay far away for this vicious cycle of self destruction.
Needless to say I have no idea what I want to do. But I'm not going to let that stop not anymore. I going to start making my life. I'm to young for this and already have enough problems on my plate. I've let them shatter my already low self esteem and torment myself over that fact I'm never going to be good enough. Even though there are times the say the want to live long to see me finish my career and have a kid. I know they love me but still all they are doing is continuing the vicious cycle.
I'm doing things to help set a direction in life. I'm going to start studying French at FIAF, going to take belly dance to slim down, paying my old uni debts. (my mum doesn't know and dammit I'm paying for this by myself. I make enough at the restaurant plus I only pay 144 per month. (I play a little more each month so I don't have to pay for two and half years.)
Also plan to get into a Uni semi far from here and dorm....I going to remind myself that this is for me and to make my self and my mum proud.
Also, I going to make it a point to read this often to remind myself why I'm doing this. It'll also help on the days where everything will feels is failing. I have to remember it's going to hard, painful, depressing. It going to be filled with many disappointments, heartache, countless tears and screaming. I have to remember I will also feel accomplishment, pride, independence and hopefully success.
For all I know in all this I'll find my other half somewhere and maybe closure to somethings. This is going to be the start of finding out who I am. Hopefully this won't end as a failure
Forget that I going to succeed. I have to. I WANT I GOING TO SOMETHING I CAN BE PROUD OF.
God, and every other heavenly being out there hear and help me along the way. Show me that all I'm doing in not for naught.
By the way forgive me if you read and feel terrible. I didn't want to do that. I just needed to to for myself. Feel free to blast if I ruined your day. I going to end up post my life here. Just reflect and get everything off my chest that has be bother for for nearly two decades. BTW B-day 08/26/1987....A clue take it how you want.
I apologize again if I ruined your day.