(no subject)
So, something happened last night. I don't really want to get into it, because it is a little private. But I feel absolutely miserable because of it, and I don't know how to handle my emotions. So I spent all of last night and all of today rolling around, moping and crying. I had apple pie and ice cream for breakfast to make me feel better. It really didn't.
And so I am now at a conundrum. I feel absolutely worthless. Completely, utterly hopeless. I've complained a lot in the past. I'll admit, I'm a complainer. Complaining is my favorite thing to do. But right now, I feel absolutely horrible. Worse than I have in a long while. And I've come to a conclusion: I really can't do anything. I'm completely bombing school. I can't do these online classes at all. I end up putting them off until the last day I can test. As I type this, I have 3 hours left to read two chapters and complete a test on them. I've had two weeks to work on this. I haven't even started yet. And now I don't even want to start. I just wanna type this and get my feelings out. In my other online class I generally just read the book as I complete the test because I hate the class and would just rather cheat. My offline classes are okay but they are easy anyways, but I still miss some assignments.
So I fail at school. I can't get a job no matter what, and when I do get a job I get so anxious and do so horrible in it that I can't work there anyway and have to leave. I have trouble even working with other people, whether in school or not. Working somewhere where there -aren't- people isn't really an option because those jobs uhh don't really exist? Even if I found somewhere I wanted to work, they would never hire me. So I should probably just resign myself to the fact that I probably won't ever have a real income.
And after last night I feel so incredibly self-conscious. I'm just so...fat. In a bad way. There's good fat, and there's bad fat. I have bad fat. I hate it. I hate myself. And I'm so hairy, I hate it. Aaughughugh I hate how I look. I hate my glasses, they look so awful and I look so much better without them but I can't get contacts. I can't compete with anyone, I'm so ugly. My hair is awful. It looks hideous short and I hate when my forehead shows because it's so ugly. I hate when my hair is long because then it gets really thin and everyone hates it.
I hate myself for lacking skills and discipline. I feel like such a lazy fuck. Literally every single person I know has something going for them no matter how bad their life is and stuff. Most of them have jobs, some of them have cool skills they can use like drawing or mapping. What do I have? Nothing. I can cook, but most people can. I can write, but most people can. Neither are very desirable skills. Neither would ever help me find a job. Maybe a restaurant job. A job I can't do at all.
So now I feel like I am trapped here. I can't get an income. I can't go to school and even if I did I wouldn't be able to get an income even if I completed it. I'll never be able to see my friends, and I'll never be in a true relationship. Every time I try to crawl out of my hole I get knocked back in it and fall even farther than before. So why even try?
Is it even worth being in relationships if I'll never see him? C-Bag made me promise that I'll see him sometime this year. Frankly, that's impossible and probably won't happen. I don't think I'll ever be able to move to Spokane. I'm not even sure if I could leave my parents. Just thinking about going to PSU made me want to cry and miss my parents already. Well, my mom at least. I don't care if I ever see my dad again.
I can't stop thinking about what happened and even if it didn't mean anything and if it happened last year I still feel horrible about it. It still makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I'm stupid and bad. And like I can't trust him or feel like I barely know him or that he's hiding even more things. And I know none of those things are true. Or at least most of them. But I still can't help feeling really horrible and bad.
And I know it's all my fault, as much as he denies it. If I had more power in my life, if I could see him, get a job, be successful, none of this would have happened. But it did. And I can't do anything. So whatever. Fuck this. I'm pretty sure happiness is a myth.
I just can't do anything right. I just want to lie in bed forever and do nothing.
And so I am now at a conundrum. I feel absolutely worthless. Completely, utterly hopeless. I've complained a lot in the past. I'll admit, I'm a complainer. Complaining is my favorite thing to do. But right now, I feel absolutely horrible. Worse than I have in a long while. And I've come to a conclusion: I really can't do anything. I'm completely bombing school. I can't do these online classes at all. I end up putting them off until the last day I can test. As I type this, I have 3 hours left to read two chapters and complete a test on them. I've had two weeks to work on this. I haven't even started yet. And now I don't even want to start. I just wanna type this and get my feelings out. In my other online class I generally just read the book as I complete the test because I hate the class and would just rather cheat. My offline classes are okay but they are easy anyways, but I still miss some assignments.
So I fail at school. I can't get a job no matter what, and when I do get a job I get so anxious and do so horrible in it that I can't work there anyway and have to leave. I have trouble even working with other people, whether in school or not. Working somewhere where there -aren't- people isn't really an option because those jobs uhh don't really exist? Even if I found somewhere I wanted to work, they would never hire me. So I should probably just resign myself to the fact that I probably won't ever have a real income.
And after last night I feel so incredibly self-conscious. I'm just so...fat. In a bad way. There's good fat, and there's bad fat. I have bad fat. I hate it. I hate myself. And I'm so hairy, I hate it. Aaughughugh I hate how I look. I hate my glasses, they look so awful and I look so much better without them but I can't get contacts. I can't compete with anyone, I'm so ugly. My hair is awful. It looks hideous short and I hate when my forehead shows because it's so ugly. I hate when my hair is long because then it gets really thin and everyone hates it.
I hate myself for lacking skills and discipline. I feel like such a lazy fuck. Literally every single person I know has something going for them no matter how bad their life is and stuff. Most of them have jobs, some of them have cool skills they can use like drawing or mapping. What do I have? Nothing. I can cook, but most people can. I can write, but most people can. Neither are very desirable skills. Neither would ever help me find a job. Maybe a restaurant job. A job I can't do at all.
So now I feel like I am trapped here. I can't get an income. I can't go to school and even if I did I wouldn't be able to get an income even if I completed it. I'll never be able to see my friends, and I'll never be in a true relationship. Every time I try to crawl out of my hole I get knocked back in it and fall even farther than before. So why even try?
Is it even worth being in relationships if I'll never see him? C-Bag made me promise that I'll see him sometime this year. Frankly, that's impossible and probably won't happen. I don't think I'll ever be able to move to Spokane. I'm not even sure if I could leave my parents. Just thinking about going to PSU made me want to cry and miss my parents already. Well, my mom at least. I don't care if I ever see my dad again.
I can't stop thinking about what happened and even if it didn't mean anything and if it happened last year I still feel horrible about it. It still makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I'm stupid and bad. And like I can't trust him or feel like I barely know him or that he's hiding even more things. And I know none of those things are true. Or at least most of them. But I still can't help feeling really horrible and bad.
And I know it's all my fault, as much as he denies it. If I had more power in my life, if I could see him, get a job, be successful, none of this would have happened. But it did. And I can't do anything. So whatever. Fuck this. I'm pretty sure happiness is a myth.
I just can't do anything right. I just want to lie in bed forever and do nothing.