& look-up-to-able, eventually

Nov 30, 2005 21:44

It was freezing.
It was the cab of Pratt's truck...the giant red fucker.
I was too sick to work. I got his keys and opted to sleep till close then ride home and sleep.
Throughout the whole 6 hours, I could see my breath.
It started to go out and back in after a while.
Then it started to sting.
My lungs ached and it was just as taxing to lay there as it was to drag myself back in and go back to work. What decided it for me though, was the walk it would've taken back across the parking lot.
My knuckles were blue/purple till the next morning.

Must've been somehere between like 5 or 6.

I had a mental burst.
My own personal ''Moment of Clarity''
& whats cool is, mine was a triple-header.

1. I don't know if I've told anyone how bad things are.
It's like a bother to even bother.
It's a strain to even strain.
It's become painfully obvious that I have to move.
It's either me or him, we certainly are in no shape to live together.
I'd rather just go than even mention it to him.
I don't know where or how but it's pretty clear to me that I can't do this anymore. Things are (& always fuckin have been) hard enough as is.

2. It would be dangerous for me to keep the party-ing up. I'm still gonna have a few drinks here and there...my share of beer or whatever, but I'm to a point emotionally where it's almost like I'm too down to get "fucked up" anymore. I don't even want to. I'm not gonna stop drinking totally, but I'm certainly not gonna get "fucked up" on anything anymore.
I'll not be a priest by any means, but it's time my pockets, conscience, and blood get scrubbed clean.

oh yea,
and 3. I'm in dire fucking need of a vacation. I'm totally due.

It's graduation morning, kids.
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