another sleepless night
It's another sleepless night here in Jessville. I should be doing something much more constructive at four in the morning like, studying or maybe even sleeping, but I'm useless at both right now. This was totally the wrong quarter to go to school. I'm just hanging on to hope by a thread that I will be able to pass both classes.
I have no space for myself and it is starting to wear on me bit, although I have to admit that I am a bit surprised that it is not more severe. I'm hoping to be able to move in the next couple of months.
My truck is in the shop yet again for the same problem. I don't have much money left and I'm really hoping that they will not charge me since they said the problem was fixed the first time. Who knows? I am now just living day by day completely. I never have any plans because, well, I never have any money to make any. I just want this period in my life to be over with. If I had only understood what that old butch was telling so many years ago now.
It's funny that I can say those things. Thirty years is a decent chunk and the idea of adding even more astounds me.
I can't help but feel like a complete failure right now. My family is in shambles and I have no way to help. My mother is without a job and so is my brother in law and he's the main provider for my sister and their infant son.
I have decided that after I get myself taken care of that I will take care of my family. No one else. Not for a long time and if I happen to become involved with someone again, and I say it like this because my stomach still has a physically painful reaction just at the thought of such things, and if they don't understand my stance on this they will have to go. I know now that I don't have time to waste on people who are not considerate of my situation(s).
After speaking with a couple of co-workers the other day, I am seriously doubting that there are people out there who understand what devotion and commitment to another actually means. I'm not talking about the young folks, but those who it is right to assume that they do understand this concept. One co-worker was left three days before their wedding, another was left after five years because of god. Now that's a great excuse/scapegoat. No one will challenge that because people are afraid of challenging faith beliefs or lies, if you will.
I don't know if I believe in an actual god anymore. Not in the sense that so many do. I have never had any one that I have been able to depend on except my family and that is limited to a select few and god doesn't seem to care about that. I don't ask anymore and maybe that's why. I have asked for years and nothing has come of it. Thanks John, where ever you are. My life learned lessons seem to be the only thing that guides and my ability to keep learning. Working on that Ph.D. from the University of Hardknocks.
My work is flooded with holy rollers. It drives me nuts sometimes because they aren't what I consider christ followers. That doctrine is pretty plain a simple and these folks have the most amazing ways of fucking them up. Everyday there are many, many customers that come in a study their bibles alone and in large groups. Maybe they should just pick themselves up by the boot straps and take responsibility for themselves and their actions. It really irks me to see people use a really cool figure and doctrine in such ways.
This is going nowhere so now I will try to get a few hours of ZZ's.
I have no space for myself and it is starting to wear on me bit, although I have to admit that I am a bit surprised that it is not more severe. I'm hoping to be able to move in the next couple of months.
My truck is in the shop yet again for the same problem. I don't have much money left and I'm really hoping that they will not charge me since they said the problem was fixed the first time. Who knows? I am now just living day by day completely. I never have any plans because, well, I never have any money to make any. I just want this period in my life to be over with. If I had only understood what that old butch was telling so many years ago now.
It's funny that I can say those things. Thirty years is a decent chunk and the idea of adding even more astounds me.
I can't help but feel like a complete failure right now. My family is in shambles and I have no way to help. My mother is without a job and so is my brother in law and he's the main provider for my sister and their infant son.
I have decided that after I get myself taken care of that I will take care of my family. No one else. Not for a long time and if I happen to become involved with someone again, and I say it like this because my stomach still has a physically painful reaction just at the thought of such things, and if they don't understand my stance on this they will have to go. I know now that I don't have time to waste on people who are not considerate of my situation(s).
After speaking with a couple of co-workers the other day, I am seriously doubting that there are people out there who understand what devotion and commitment to another actually means. I'm not talking about the young folks, but those who it is right to assume that they do understand this concept. One co-worker was left three days before their wedding, another was left after five years because of god. Now that's a great excuse/scapegoat. No one will challenge that because people are afraid of challenging faith beliefs or lies, if you will.
I don't know if I believe in an actual god anymore. Not in the sense that so many do. I have never had any one that I have been able to depend on except my family and that is limited to a select few and god doesn't seem to care about that. I don't ask anymore and maybe that's why. I have asked for years and nothing has come of it. Thanks John, where ever you are. My life learned lessons seem to be the only thing that guides and my ability to keep learning. Working on that Ph.D. from the University of Hardknocks.
My work is flooded with holy rollers. It drives me nuts sometimes because they aren't what I consider christ followers. That doctrine is pretty plain a simple and these folks have the most amazing ways of fucking them up. Everyday there are many, many customers that come in a study their bibles alone and in large groups. Maybe they should just pick themselves up by the boot straps and take responsibility for themselves and their actions. It really irks me to see people use a really cool figure and doctrine in such ways.
This is going nowhere so now I will try to get a few hours of ZZ's.