(no subject)
I feel so rich today...not with money...that would be a joke and very misleading...I try not to mislead myself...though it's hard, because I was raised to the effect that if I wanted something I would ask. It wasn't so much a question about the needs of others.
Being on my own and poor has taught me lots of things...because when I had everything it was no trouble for me to give to those who didn't...in fact I got some joy from it, but now when I am working hard for someone and they don't want to give me enough to survive...
I get angry, because I would do it for them.
I hate it when people are so self-serving that they forget about the sacrifices others make to make them happy.
I hate it when I pour all of myself into something only to get spat on later.
I hate the fact that I see this happening and I close my eyes and try my best to ignore it even though I can't possibly ignore the tears that are fighting to get out of my eyes and I won't let them.
How dare someone think that they can get the best of me...how dare my body betray me and almost allow them to see it.
Once upon a time...life was easy...everything was ok in the ideal and here I was thinking that the world was all that I can make it out to be and that I had a lot more power than I let on.
But what I do know is that my potential is boundless...
I stand tall and I command attention when I speak.
My words warrant that attention and people listen again.
Where am I?
I poisoned myself, by saying that I am young and can make mistakes. I knew they were mistakes.
I knew HE was a mistake, but I did it anyway...just so that I could punish myself later.
Yeah dad's not around to do it for me anymore. Yet I turn into him and I ground myself.
Funny...that's what I learned at home...that when I fucked up...I was going to be put into confinement and locked away from my family, my friends, and sun light....
so I began to write in this solitude of four walls, a window and a door...the extra bed for the extra sibling that I would never have and the person who was never allowed to sleep over.
Ok yeah I was fucking the guy who I wanted to sleep over. He was my best friend's brother and he and I lasted five years without anyone knowing.
It was meaningless.
I explored.
He explored.
He came...I waited.
Yet, because I had the power to make him do that....I was satisfied enough. 2 times out of a thousand.
Hell some go without...(sorry breeder girls). I watch all the guys go by and I wonder...if he is for me...or maybe him...or maybe that guy because he smiled at me and was nice. hmmmmmmm....that's funny.
But deep down I know...if I slept with every guy that I looked at... well never mind all that.
The point is that here I am floating on a cloud of non-existent freedom. Black, gay, large, smart...whatever...heaven forbid someone have independence thought on this damn campus.
I get so many pets on the head...like...oh very good...now go back in your cage and shut up.
Guess what.... I have the keys now....and my cage is now going to be nothing more than a costume closet.
Full of disguises.
For everytime I have one of these little experiences...something about me always changes. I love it.