Too Much
This week has just been too much. Between work and home and getting things ready for the move, my body and my mind are just dead. I'm exhausted in so many ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
I really can't take much more of this.
My exhaustion has given way to an instability in my personality. I've been saying stupid, meaningless things a lot more lately. Basically, things that just make people shake their heads at me like I'm some dumb animal barking at air. I've always hated people looking down on me and it's just coming to my attention more and more that most of the people in my life always have.
As of late, I feel like there's no one who really likes me or is proud of me. I am told at least half a dozen times a day by co-workers, by family members, by the ones closest to me that there's something wrong with me. I say something wrong or do something wrong or think something wrong, and I'm always told how wrong I am in such great detail.
I've always felt a sense of worthlessness about myself. Even when I know I'm doing good, even when things really feel like they're coming together, it just never seems to go anywhere. I can be proud of myself for the dumbest little things, like doing a good job stocking shelves at work or going a day without video games. But there hasn't been anything big, truly big, to be proud of myself for in a long, long time. Thus, no one else has anything to be proud of me for.
I aim to change that.
But, in the meantime, it'd be really nice not to have to re-realize every moment of every day that a) I've never really accomplished anything, b) I have no direction in life, c) I can't get along with anybody, d) I have no friends, e) all of the above.
It's mostly just me reminding myself that I'm worthless. Yet, every time someone points out a flaw, every time someone points out that I'm being stupid or rude or that I'm doing something wrong, it just drives home the point so hard.
The nicest thing anyone's said to me lately is that I look good in the suit I'm wearing to my aunt's funeral today. Kind of sad that the only thing lifting my spirits right now is the fact that I know I look sharp in a suit.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I ever find some smidgen of joy in my life? Why can't people just be nice to me? Why can't I get anywhere in my life?
It almost feels like I once had some higher purpose in my life and now it's been taken away from me. I limp onward through life in the hope of finding something that will fulfill me. Every time I do, it either gets taken away from me or turns out to be less than what I'd hoped for.
I guess, all in all, I'm just tired of keeping myself awake every day because I can't stop crying.
Born to be down
I've learned all my lessons before now
Born to be down
I think you'll get used to it
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
Born to be down
I think that I said this before now
Born to be down
What good is confidence
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
I really can't take much more of this.
My exhaustion has given way to an instability in my personality. I've been saying stupid, meaningless things a lot more lately. Basically, things that just make people shake their heads at me like I'm some dumb animal barking at air. I've always hated people looking down on me and it's just coming to my attention more and more that most of the people in my life always have.
As of late, I feel like there's no one who really likes me or is proud of me. I am told at least half a dozen times a day by co-workers, by family members, by the ones closest to me that there's something wrong with me. I say something wrong or do something wrong or think something wrong, and I'm always told how wrong I am in such great detail.
I've always felt a sense of worthlessness about myself. Even when I know I'm doing good, even when things really feel like they're coming together, it just never seems to go anywhere. I can be proud of myself for the dumbest little things, like doing a good job stocking shelves at work or going a day without video games. But there hasn't been anything big, truly big, to be proud of myself for in a long, long time. Thus, no one else has anything to be proud of me for.
I aim to change that.
But, in the meantime, it'd be really nice not to have to re-realize every moment of every day that a) I've never really accomplished anything, b) I have no direction in life, c) I can't get along with anybody, d) I have no friends, e) all of the above.
It's mostly just me reminding myself that I'm worthless. Yet, every time someone points out a flaw, every time someone points out that I'm being stupid or rude or that I'm doing something wrong, it just drives home the point so hard.
The nicest thing anyone's said to me lately is that I look good in the suit I'm wearing to my aunt's funeral today. Kind of sad that the only thing lifting my spirits right now is the fact that I know I look sharp in a suit.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I ever find some smidgen of joy in my life? Why can't people just be nice to me? Why can't I get anywhere in my life?
It almost feels like I once had some higher purpose in my life and now it's been taken away from me. I limp onward through life in the hope of finding something that will fulfill me. Every time I do, it either gets taken away from me or turns out to be less than what I'd hoped for.
I guess, all in all, I'm just tired of keeping myself awake every day because I can't stop crying.
Born to be down
I've learned all my lessons before now
Born to be down
I think you'll get used to it
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
Born to be down
I think that I said this before now
Born to be down
What good is confidence
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't
And you just don't get it
Keep it copasetic
And you learn to accept it
You know you're so pathetic
And you don't