The Truth of Love
It's a lovely Thursday evening, too nice to spend indoors, and once again my predictions are correct...
I have a friend that I love dearly, who consistently cancels, ignores, or most of the time just fails to make plans with me. A few days ago, this friend of mine asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on Saturday. Unconvinced of her sincerity, I said "maybe, we'll see." Shortly thereafter, she says that she will be going to see her grandfather on Saturday. Her grandfather has been sick recently, so I completely understood. Then, however, those plans got canceled. Rather than renew plans with me, she would rather go to Boston to stay with some "cute skinhead;" a potential love interest. No surprise there, I've come to expect that kind of treatment. So she says that we can do something Thursday. "Sure," I replied, still unconvinced. Now it is Thursday, and I haven't heard a word from her about it. I just chatted with her for about two minutes. She didn't mention anything before she suddenly signed off. I guess something or someone "more fun" must have become available.
Its not that this hurts me, at least not nearly as much as it used to. This has been a recurring theme in our friendship. I guess I've just become desensitized to disappointment.
I just read her livejournal, and found out that she had made plans to spend time with an ex of hers. This ex had abandoned her for two years, and treated her like shit. Now he wants another chance. She says that they can be friends (if you knew this girl, you'd know better). Be friends? Friends who spend time together? Why would you want to spend time with someone like that? I've been here for her for the past two years, and she hasn't spend any time with me. None. Unbelievable.
But I will always be there. I can be kept on the back burner forever. Well, not quite. Each time this happens I move one step closer to the door. A door that I do not leave open.
I have tried to understand. But it is not for me to make or except excuses for or from others. I used to tell myself, "she is going through tough times, she is confused." I don't accept that. She is ALWAYS going through "tough times." She is ALWAYS "confused." I don't care much for drama.
As for my feelings...well, I love the girl. I love her more than anything, and she knows that. I know that those feelings can make a person uncomfortable, and they did for a while. Not anymore. I just want a friend I can have fun with and rely on. I've told her that. I don't know if she will ever give it a chance. But I do know that she will give old ex's that treated her like dirt as many chances as they want.
I am not hurt. I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am not even concerned or worried. This lack of feeling on my part comes to me as a surprise. What good would it do me anyway? She will live her life and learn its lessons at her own pace. She is still the same wonderful, smart, and fun person that I would like to be around. But love? No, not in the same way. I still love the person she is, and as that person grows, I'm sure that my love will also. But this love is not the love I once thought it was. I love her like a sister, because I will always be there for her. But I am not in love with her.
I must conclude that there are three forms of love: love of family, love of friends, and "true"/romantic love. The last is contingent upon reciprocation. I can love her like a member of my family, but I could never desire an intimate relationship with someone who treats me the way she does. Even the love of friendship becomes difficult, because a similar reciprocation is required, and in this case such actions have been rare (although a friendship can exist without the "love of friendship", they just aren't very close friendships).
Love leaves all of us vulnerable to some extent. There are sacrifices that can and should be made on our part for the ones we love. By being kept at a distance, I have been required to make only minor sacrifices (e.g. staying up late to listen to her problems, comforting her over the phone or through IMs). I can live with that. The "emotional" sacrifice--the worrying and concern that drove me crazy--was all without reason. All the worrying in the world won't change anything. That is not a sacrifice, it is our own futile reaction to situations in which we are helpless. I cannot blame her for that. Personally, I have been able to deal with this emotion, so my emotions and our friendship can coexist.
Since I have made such minor sacrifices, and since I've minimized my worrying to reasonable levels, I can have this person in my life without it hurting me. If having her in my life did hurt me, and kept me from satisfying my own needs and pursuing my own dreams and ambitions, then I would have to end our relationship. No matter how much we love someone, we still have our own needs and wants, and they are independent of those of the ones we love. The needs and wants of the ones we love NEVER replace our own needs and wants.
I will not jeopardize my health, sanity, or needs for her. Luckily, I still possess them all. So I will remain at a distance. I will stay where I am. But I will not make any major sacrifices. I will not cross the threshold of love and subject myself to pointless pain and suffering. I hope that she will someday change, and treat me better. Then we can be closer friends. That would make me happy. But that cannot become a reality until she wants it too. Some things I cannot control. I accept that. There are plenty of other things I can be happy about...and I will.
Many of us build "true love" up to be everything. We feel that such love is all that matters in our lives. That is why we cling to it so dearly, are so willing to make so many major sacrifices for it, and resent anyone who dares to challenge it. The truth is that there is much more to life, and that to enjoy life thoroughly, one must pursue one's own needs and dreams (those that are independent of the true love we also desire). Self-fulfillment is the key to happiness. It is those of us who lack direction, who feel empty or unworthy who pollute love. Desperation is a dangerous thing. We cling to "love" as if our life depended on it, because we think it's all we have. But we are not happy. In fact, under such conditions we will become very angry at and resentful toward the ones we "love." Where has the love gone then?
There are many things that I want out of life, and true love is near the top of that list. But I will not allow my desire to find such a love create mirages. I will not waste this precious time I have to live chasing apparitions. True love will be a healthy love that makes me happy. It will make me feel good, and will not stand in the way of my other needs and desires.
I love you Danielle, but you are not my "true love." You are not "the love of my life," regardless of what I may have said in the past. I love you in a different way. Of course, I think you have all the potential in the world for me to love you more than I ever thought I could, but that remains merely a potential for now.
I have a friend that I love dearly, who consistently cancels, ignores, or most of the time just fails to make plans with me. A few days ago, this friend of mine asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on Saturday. Unconvinced of her sincerity, I said "maybe, we'll see." Shortly thereafter, she says that she will be going to see her grandfather on Saturday. Her grandfather has been sick recently, so I completely understood. Then, however, those plans got canceled. Rather than renew plans with me, she would rather go to Boston to stay with some "cute skinhead;" a potential love interest. No surprise there, I've come to expect that kind of treatment. So she says that we can do something Thursday. "Sure," I replied, still unconvinced. Now it is Thursday, and I haven't heard a word from her about it. I just chatted with her for about two minutes. She didn't mention anything before she suddenly signed off. I guess something or someone "more fun" must have become available.
Its not that this hurts me, at least not nearly as much as it used to. This has been a recurring theme in our friendship. I guess I've just become desensitized to disappointment.
I just read her livejournal, and found out that she had made plans to spend time with an ex of hers. This ex had abandoned her for two years, and treated her like shit. Now he wants another chance. She says that they can be friends (if you knew this girl, you'd know better). Be friends? Friends who spend time together? Why would you want to spend time with someone like that? I've been here for her for the past two years, and she hasn't spend any time with me. None. Unbelievable.
But I will always be there. I can be kept on the back burner forever. Well, not quite. Each time this happens I move one step closer to the door. A door that I do not leave open.
I have tried to understand. But it is not for me to make or except excuses for or from others. I used to tell myself, "she is going through tough times, she is confused." I don't accept that. She is ALWAYS going through "tough times." She is ALWAYS "confused." I don't care much for drama.
As for my feelings...well, I love the girl. I love her more than anything, and she knows that. I know that those feelings can make a person uncomfortable, and they did for a while. Not anymore. I just want a friend I can have fun with and rely on. I've told her that. I don't know if she will ever give it a chance. But I do know that she will give old ex's that treated her like dirt as many chances as they want.
I am not hurt. I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am not even concerned or worried. This lack of feeling on my part comes to me as a surprise. What good would it do me anyway? She will live her life and learn its lessons at her own pace. She is still the same wonderful, smart, and fun person that I would like to be around. But love? No, not in the same way. I still love the person she is, and as that person grows, I'm sure that my love will also. But this love is not the love I once thought it was. I love her like a sister, because I will always be there for her. But I am not in love with her.
I must conclude that there are three forms of love: love of family, love of friends, and "true"/romantic love. The last is contingent upon reciprocation. I can love her like a member of my family, but I could never desire an intimate relationship with someone who treats me the way she does. Even the love of friendship becomes difficult, because a similar reciprocation is required, and in this case such actions have been rare (although a friendship can exist without the "love of friendship", they just aren't very close friendships).
Love leaves all of us vulnerable to some extent. There are sacrifices that can and should be made on our part for the ones we love. By being kept at a distance, I have been required to make only minor sacrifices (e.g. staying up late to listen to her problems, comforting her over the phone or through IMs). I can live with that. The "emotional" sacrifice--the worrying and concern that drove me crazy--was all without reason. All the worrying in the world won't change anything. That is not a sacrifice, it is our own futile reaction to situations in which we are helpless. I cannot blame her for that. Personally, I have been able to deal with this emotion, so my emotions and our friendship can coexist.
Since I have made such minor sacrifices, and since I've minimized my worrying to reasonable levels, I can have this person in my life without it hurting me. If having her in my life did hurt me, and kept me from satisfying my own needs and pursuing my own dreams and ambitions, then I would have to end our relationship. No matter how much we love someone, we still have our own needs and wants, and they are independent of those of the ones we love. The needs and wants of the ones we love NEVER replace our own needs and wants.
I will not jeopardize my health, sanity, or needs for her. Luckily, I still possess them all. So I will remain at a distance. I will stay where I am. But I will not make any major sacrifices. I will not cross the threshold of love and subject myself to pointless pain and suffering. I hope that she will someday change, and treat me better. Then we can be closer friends. That would make me happy. But that cannot become a reality until she wants it too. Some things I cannot control. I accept that. There are plenty of other things I can be happy about...and I will.
Many of us build "true love" up to be everything. We feel that such love is all that matters in our lives. That is why we cling to it so dearly, are so willing to make so many major sacrifices for it, and resent anyone who dares to challenge it. The truth is that there is much more to life, and that to enjoy life thoroughly, one must pursue one's own needs and dreams (those that are independent of the true love we also desire). Self-fulfillment is the key to happiness. It is those of us who lack direction, who feel empty or unworthy who pollute love. Desperation is a dangerous thing. We cling to "love" as if our life depended on it, because we think it's all we have. But we are not happy. In fact, under such conditions we will become very angry at and resentful toward the ones we "love." Where has the love gone then?
There are many things that I want out of life, and true love is near the top of that list. But I will not allow my desire to find such a love create mirages. I will not waste this precious time I have to live chasing apparitions. True love will be a healthy love that makes me happy. It will make me feel good, and will not stand in the way of my other needs and desires.
I love you Danielle, but you are not my "true love." You are not "the love of my life," regardless of what I may have said in the past. I love you in a different way. Of course, I think you have all the potential in the world for me to love you more than I ever thought I could, but that remains merely a potential for now.