(no subject)
Title: A Class Play
Author: Kumiko-sama
Rating:
Full Name (including any titles): Riku Kasumi (Mr. Sex God), Roxas Takara (Mr. Meek Bitch), Kairi Takara (Ms. I'm a Bitch), Namine Takara (Ms. I'm a Bitch Too), Axel Haruka (Mr. Gay Bastard That's Dumber than Wakka (sorry Wakka!)), Ms. Kisaragi (Yuffie, of course, Ms. Lesbian with growth issues and schoolgirl complex), and then whatever
Full Species(es): Human, I think
Hair Color (include adjectives): The canon same
Eye Color (include adjectives): Same
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: None
Special Possessions (if any): None
Origin: High School Hell
Connections To Canon Characters: HIGH SCHOOL HELL
Special Abilities: None
Other Annoying Traits: Conceited!Riku, emo!meek!quiet!shy!Roxas, bitch!Kairi, bitch!Namine, crazywrong!Axel, and child molesting teachers.
I Say/Notes: Didn't completely reformat it exactly (left out the italics mostly), but I'm a little in a hurry. But my first sporking, yay! *eats a burrito with a spork, yes*
Sample:
*Axel, Roxas, Riku, Sora, Naminé all enter a theater of doom at the same time. They seem confused. A script of the fic rests on a chair, an emergency kit on the side. Naminé goes to pick up the script, THE POOR FOOL *
Axel: Somehow, I have a bad feeling already. *reading the script over Naminé’s shoulder*
Naminé: Cinderella? Aw, a Disney classic!
Roxas: Except that she was kind of dumb.
Naminé: *sigh* You’re right =/
Riku: And my last name is apparently, “Kasumi.” Well, at least it’s not, “Yami” or whatever
Sora: ...Where am I in this story D:? *the forgotten one!*
The rest: You ought to be grateful for that >_>
Sora: ...Maybe so.
*all sit in chairs emitting doom with a side of ranch dressing*
A/N:
I was bored, dammit. I wanted to write some poetry but I was feeling a bit too sarcastic for that at the moment. So I wrote a fanfic about Cinderella instead. The idea was originated from my friend Marissa, but I took it a bit further and made a story. So here it is, Marissa. I hope you like it, and I hope other people do too. It took a pretty long time to write this piece of shi- I mean art. Yes, I know that there are many stories about this. They're all much better, but then again I did say I was bored.
Axel: Authors usually do these things when bored, don’t they? That’s it. I’m going to call this the “Death Note” complex.
Sora: Why’s that?
Axel: Because the main character of Death Note was bored, so he wrote stuff! And then people were mass-murdered. And this fic is probably mass-murdering too, sooo...
Riku: Raito’s probably a better writer though, at least.
Sora: IT BEGINS.
Roxas's POV
Cinderella. What a lucky bitch. Why can't I have something like that happen to me?
Axel: Because you need to believe you can understand mice first.
I need a some fat lady dressed in a sparkly blue gown, equipped with a plastic stick capable of turning me into a princess. Then I can go to that Homecoming dance, and meet some handsome guy that will fall in love with me upon first glance. We'll dance for a little bit, singing along to some annoying background melody, and I'll notice that it's midnight. I'll lose my glass stiletto on the way out of the gym, and then my prince will find it and begin a search. He'll ask every other girl in town, finally showing up at my place and asking my two butt ugly sisters Kairi and Namine to try it on.
Naminé: *gape*
Roxas: SHE WROTE THAT, NOT ME.
Naminé: You called me butt ugly DDDD:
Axel: Though I must wonder-
Riku: Uh oh?
Axel: If the glass slipper stiletto belongs to Roxas, how big would that be?
Roxas: ...
Axel: I mean, his feet are HUGE. That must be one huge glass stiletto. Not a lot of girls could probably fit that glass stiletto, it’s just so huge-
Roxas: *punches*
And then he'll leave without ever asking me.
Because on that very night, I was a princess, not a prince. I'm a guy, not a girl.
Riku: So, Roxas wants a boob job?
Sora: Awkwaaaaaaard.
Axel: *still going* Seriously, Roxas! In order for you to even wear those shoes of yours, your feet must be gigantic! Or you just stuff them with socks or something to fake length. But stuffing your feet for a huge glass stiletto is not the answer- it doesn’t even LOOK pretty. Not that huge feet in glass stilettos look pretty anyway but-
Roxas: CEASE AND DESIST ALREADY. And just read.
Naminé: *pats Roxas on the back*
Maybe that's why Namine tells me that I'm a freak.
Naminé: -that’s not supposed to exist.
And maybe it's the reason why Kairi says that my life will never be a Cinderella parody. I know though, that it's exactly why Riku Kasumi will never spare me a passing glance. He's the school's fucking sex god, preferring to ram into pussies, not asses.
Riku: ...Yes, I prefer to run over kittens rather than donkeys.
Sora: But the kittens are so innocent D:! *as FFX!priest* You fiend!
Naminé: *as another FFX!priest* Quick! Send him to the farplane!
Axel: Have you even had sex before, Riku?
Riku: No! I have sensible decency, guys!
So I can't even dream about my life as a Cinderella parody. It would be too painful, because it's the most unrealistic dream someone could have.
Sora: Awww, drama.
Roxas: It’s just the beginning of horrible pain, I believe.
Riku's POV
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-
Axel: *as Riku* bah da ba ba ba!
Naminé: *as Riku* I’m lovin’ it!
Riku: I hate you guys.
"-- And we're having a class play to support the fundraiser!"
My head snaps up quickly, resulting in a whiplash. I let out a long string of inaudible curses, and turn my attention to the front of the room. Ms. Kisaragi is waving around a packet of papers, and smiling gaily. Too gaily. I swear, that woman is a lesbian.
Sora: Yuffie’s a lesbian?
Riku: About as much sense as her being a teacher. She could be one, but somehow I doubt it.
"Kasumi! Didja hear that?"
This time I turn my head so I'm looking to my right. I wince at the small ache I feel, making Axel stare at me stupidly. I roll my eyes dismissively.
Riku: This fic makes me hurt. Shoot me now.
Sora: If only Xigbar were here...
"What?"
Axel grins.
"We're having a play, and guess what it's based on?"
Riku: Kitties and donkeys?
I glare at him.
"Uh, idiots in love? Murder? All that 'Thou', and 'thy' shit?"
Another moment of staring at me stupidly. God dammit, when he does that it looks like his eyebrows are completely diminished!
Roxas: Even Axel’s eyebrows are stealthy!
Axel: That’s how badass I am, Roxas.
Riku: Even though you do it “stupidly.”
Axel: *promptly ignores*
"Stop that freaky staring! I know I'm good looking, but I can only handle so much!"
Naminé: *as Riku* If dust touches my hair, I give you permission to stab it out!
He laughs at this, choking out 'Touché' in the process. I smirk back. Of course all my remarks are 'touché-d'. I am a Kasumi after all.
Sora: Dead or Alive!Kasumi?
Axel: Pokémon!Kasumi?
Riku: Which one is better?
Roxas: Well, DoA!Kasumi has a sword-
Riku: I’ll take that.
"Ha, no. It's about Cinderella."
I blink. "What? Then I was right about 'idiots in love'! You lying sadist!"
Axel: And I’m a sadist! Maybe I should start borrowing books from Larxene!
I chuck a piece of paper at him, and he swats it away with more laughter.
Axel: I kill your piece of paper with my flaming fist of fury! HA HA HA.
Riku: I counterstrike with evil eraser shreds from my desk! FOR GREAT JUSTICE *flings them at Axel*
Axel: OH THE PAIN OF USED ERASER.
"Mr. Kasumi! Mr. Haruka! I'm in the middle of speaking right now, so if you two would please shut your mouths?"
Riku: Oh see, now Axel’s Sailor Uranus before the dubbing got her.
Sora: *as Utada Hikaru* haruka, harukaaaaaaaa, MIRAI WAAAAA~
Both of us stare at Ms. Kisaragi, unfazed by her sudden outburst. She's too short to be scary.
Roxas: *as Riku* You must be this short to be scary.
Sora: So, what does that make gremlins and furbies?
"Sorry." Axel apologizes meekly.
Axel: HA HA HA HA- no. I am meek for no being.
I only give her a small smile and nod. I don't apologize to loudmouth lesbians with growth issues, thank you.
Sora: Oooh, that’s low.
"Anyway," She continues, "We need to find students who are going to participate in the play. We'll take volunteers first, then nominations, and if either of those fail, I'll pick randomly. Okay?"
Sora: *as Yuffie* I will pretend my hand is a stick and the randomly selected is a piñata.
BUT NO ONE REALLY CARES. OR DO THEY?
I scan the room quietly, seeing who wanted to play that blonde whore. Namine, Kairi, Selphie, Olette... yep. All the preppy women in this class want a shot at that role.
Axel: *as the girls* GO TEAM *jiggles imaginary pom-poms*
Naminé: I don’t even own pom-poms D:
"Er- why don't we start with Prince Charming first, everyone?" Ms. Kisaragi asks, not wanting to pick one of the many girls that wanted a role. They all sat down with dramatic sighs.
Naminé: *as the girls* We are the sad, forgotten ones.
And then Yuffie asks for boy nominations! But no one is strong enough to lift their hands.
"Roxas?"
My eyes stray over to the shy blonde cowering in the corner of the back of the room. Jesus, he looks like a girl.
Roxas: *spits out whatever soda he was drinking* SHY?
Riku: Now, Roxas...
Roxas: GIRL?
Riku: It’s not like that...
Roxas: GIRL?! *draws out Oblivion and Oathkeeper and goes for the screen*
Sora: No, don’t do it D:! We don’t have the munny to pay for damages!*holds back Roxas*
Roxas: *as Fuu* RAGE.
"He seems more likely to play the role of the princess, than the actual prince, Ms. Kisaragi." I blurt out before I can stop it.
Roxas: *GOING BERSERK*
Giggles erupt from the room, and Roxas sinks further back into his seat. Ms. Kisaragi doesn't look pleased.
Naminé: *as Yuffie* But secretly, it makes me giggle too! *eats popcorn*
"Well, Mr. Kasumi. If you say so, then you can play the prince," I grin and many girls around the room gasp excitedly, "And Roxas will play Cinderella."
Riku: ...
Axel: Well, that’s kind of gay *snickers*
Riku: *draws out Way to the Dawn*
Sora: Oh, not you too!
Riku: *heads for the screen*
Naminé: NO, RIKU D: *tries to hold him back* Property damage = NO.
Axel: In rape fic, no means yes :D
Naminé: YOU’RE NOT HELPING.
ROXAS IS IN THE SHOCK. And for good reason. And then he goes on about what a crummy actor he is
Axel: Not a surprise, because he’s also a terrible liar.
Naminé: And you totally fell for it.
Axel: ...*sigh* Yeah, I did.
"Nonsense, Mr. Takara! Mr. Kasumi already nominated you, so I see no reason why you shouldn't be!"
Axel: Other than the fact that, I don’t know, Cinderella’s a chick and Roxas isn’t.
Roxas: THANK YOU.
I know one good reason!" Kairi exclaimed from her seat nearby. I shoot my sister a withering look. She returns it with a solid glare.
Naminé: *as Kairi* No more playing dress-up for you!
Axel: *as Roxas* But Mrs. Teddy Bear is so looking forward to our next tea party!
Naminé: *as Kairi* Then she and her tea cup shall go wanting! Bah!
"He's a boy! And Riku's a boy!" She concludes. Beside her, Namine nods seriously.
Naminé: As you can tell by their genitals, I am fair sure that our conclusion makes the most sense ever.
Riku & Roxas: Our geni-? *embarrassment!*
Naminé: Back to your seats?
Riku & Roxas: *indeed*
I hope that they get the roles of the two evil stepsisters- it would suit them to a 'B', as in bitches.
Naminé: *as both herself and Kairi* It’s only because we love you, Roxas!
"Ah, since you two both support this so, then why don't you both play the stepsisters? That way you can despise their relationship in your roles as well!"
Axel: *as Yuffie* Yes, because...I love soap opera.
Sora: I knew it!
"But-!" Namine begins, her bottom lip jutting out into a pout.
Riku: Aw, but she’s cute when she pouts.
Everyone: *looks at Riku*
Riku: *coughsembarassment* I was with her for a year, guys!
Naminé: Awww, you're sweet :3
And then Yuffie finalizes the roles on the chalkboard of DOOM.
"I still can't believe you're playing Cinderella."
"I know. Pity me."
"I still can't believe that your going to have a sex scene with the almighty Riku."
"I know. Wait- what?!"
Everyone: WHAT?
Axel: Since when did Cinderella have a sex scene?! Assuming that this is Disney’s Cinderella because of the mention of a fat lady in blue dress.
Sora: And I thought it was so innocent D:! But it’s secretly a pr0noooooo! WHERE IS MY CHILDHOOD?
Riku: But I am “almighty.”
Roxas: *rolls his eyes*
I smack Hayner in the arm as he pouts un-cutely.
Roxas: Hayner does everything “un-cutely.”
"Hey! I was only kidding. Besides, you'd probably want a scene like that anyway. With your big ol' crush on our prince charming, eh?"
Roxas: And here I thought schools were trying to stop underage sex.
Axel: Not this one!
I ignore him as I start to twist the dial of my locker. Yes, I have a huge crush on Riku. I said that before, didn't I? Well it's true, and thank god that only Hayner knows about it. He's the only guy I know around here that's not a homophobe. Except for Sora of course, who was dating the elusive team captain of the Blitzball team, Tidus.
Sora: Oh! There I am! But I am gay =/
Axel: Of course! Women are taboo to date, silly!
Pulling my remedial Spanish 1 book off my locker's top shelf, I feel something light make contact with my head. I glare back at Hayner, who simply shrugs, and leans down to pick up a piece of paper.
"What's that from?" I ask as he hands it to me.
Axel: *as Hayner* FROM HELL.
He points in a random direction. My eyes follow his fingertip until they meet with the familiar glare of my sisters, Kairi and Namine. I groan and open up the paper grudgingly.
'YOU ARE A DEAD MAN, ROXAS.'
Naminé: -that’s not supposed to exist.
Truthfully, my sisters could report back to my dad and tell him some spurious lie that would result in me being grounded for a month. Yeah. They're both 'Daddy's girls' in our household. I'm personally more of a 'Momma's boy'. Except since our mom is dead, it's now more of a 'Gran-gran's boy'. But, whatever.
Sora: *snickers* Gran-gran.
Roxas: Dem-Dem
Axel: Mar-Mar
Riku: Kai-Kai
Naminé: Xem-Xem
Axel: Ro-Ro- okay, this needs to die now.
"Yeah. They'll probably just try spreading rumors or something like that." I say instead of elaborating things further, and we walk off to Remedial Spanish
Axel: Como estas, bitches.
Riku's POV
Why did I have to open my mouth? Why didn't I take that self control therapy my mother signed me up for last summer? Dammit, why?
Riku: Why couldn’t I have taken therapy for EVERYTHING?
"Jeez Riku. So how does it feel?" Axel asks me as we take our seats in Remedial Spanish 1. Oh, heck yes. You heard me right. Remedial Spanish... ONE.
Riku: That’s a little less than TWO.
Axel: But greater than ZERO POINT FIVE.
I'm a sophomore that failed Spanish in my Freshman year, alright? It's not my fault that our teacher last year wore skimpy shirts that revealed tons of cleavage, and flirted (Well, at least I thought so. Almost every woman I meet is practically dying to tie me down and screw me on the spot.) with me every chance she got. I swear, it was a total surprise when she announced I was receiving an 'F' in her class.
Axel: Probably because you didn’t put out. *snickers. And then eats a snickers*
Riku: *EYE TWITCH*
"How does what feel?" I retort tiredly.
"You know!" I glare at him. No, I don't know you faggot. That's why I'm fucking asking.
"No, I don't." I snarl back.
Naminé: Someone dropped his quotation marks!
He sighs, shaking his head. His hair flips around wildly, hitting me in the face several times before I swat at him to stop.
Riku: No, it’s okay. Keep doing it. It helps me feel sane.
Sora: *pats Riku on the shoulder*
"You get to make out with Roxas Takara, you ass!"
Riku: I don’t want to be a donkey. Keep slapping me with your hair.
Oh. Ew, like that's anything worth talking about.
"You say it like that's a good thing," I snort, raising an eyebrow, "But then again, you are one gay bastard."
Axel: ...
Sora: Ouch.
Axel: I wish I could slap myself with my own hair.
Axel shushes me, and looks around the room to see if anyone heard. He calms down after a few minutes.
"Don't say it so loudly!" he whispers harshly. I roll my eyes. So what? Axel was gay. Almost everyone knew it.
Riku: shhh...BE QUIET.
"Why, I'm terribly sorry your highness."
Axel regards me with another questioning stare, then pulls out his books and ignores me. That suited me just fine; his constant jabbering can get rather annoying.
Axel: Try hanging out with Zexion then! He talks a mile a minute!
"...ku!"
Naminé: Ku! Ku! Ku!
Sora: Coo! Coo! Coo! *I’M AN OWL*
"Nngh..."
"Riku! Hey!"
My eyes flutter open when I hear Axel calling me. That idiot doesn't understand that when I'm asleep, NO ONE wakes me. He's been marked for death twelve times this week.
Axel: That’s okay. I tried to kill myself and I’m still alive.
Roxas: A suicidal person’s nightmare.
"Look who's here!" he whispers. I sigh and look up, only to see that timid blonde Takara staring back at me. He looks both bewildered and scared, much to my amusement.
Roxas: I’m only scared because I’m secretly being held at gun point.
"He's in this class...?" I ask Axel without removing my gaze. Axel shrugs.
"I dunno. I heard from Demyx that they transferred him to Remedial because of how bad he was doing in Spanish 1."
Oh. So that's why. If I hadn't known better, I'd think he was stalking me.
Sora: *as Riku* In sleep, he saaaang to me. In dreams, he caaaaame.
And then Riku conks out again. Perhaps the best course of action ever.
Roxas's POV
Hayner has got to be the evilest 'best friend' anyone could ever have. Sure, he told me that I'd see some familiar faces in Remedial Spanish 1. But Riku?! Doesn't Hayner know that I'll hyperventilate if I get within a five foot diameter of him, especially after what happened in English? I guess not.
Axel: Is Riku the one with the gun?
Roxas: Yeah, it’s in his hair like a shuriken is in Sora’s.
Sora: No one ever suspects it!
Hayner snickers to Roxas about having Riku in the classroom, but Roxas would rather take no shit.
A large man dressed in a worn out t-shirt and ripped jeans walked into the classroom, and smiled broadly. Ugh. He looked like he'd just been laid.
Naminé: How quaint.
Unfortunately though; I don't think anyone would want to screw him, so he must've been the one doing the screwing.
Holy shit. My new Spanish teacher was a child molester!
Axel: HOSHIT, SON.
Riku: Yes, because, an adult faculty isn’t ever a possibility! He must be sleeping with children!
And then the teacher speaks Spanish and Roxas is like, “WHAT THE HELL?” but then Riku berates him for not knowing the meaning of the sentences so Roxas guesses.
"Oh- right. Uh... play?"
Axel lets out a loud chuckle, but clasps his hand over his mouth when Riku glares at him. I almost die on the spot when he turns to me, and gives me the same glare. Jeez, I didn't know that he was that pissed about being Prince Charming in the class play.
Or maybe he was just pissed that I was playing Cinderella. Yep. That must be it. Poor me.
Roxas: WRRRRRRRY?
"Si, si! Jugar. Es muy bien Roxas."
Axel: I don’t know what that says, so I’m just going to quote Resident Evil 4. “¡Sí, quiero matar!”
The fat old man began writing 'jugar' in sloppy letters on the white board, completely ignoring Axel's outburst and Riku's rude PMSing.
Riku: Shit. Now I am a woman too.
Great. So if Riku murdered me in class one day, he wouldn't notice and then Riku would get away with it. I hate ignorant teachers.
Axel: Completely forgetting all the other witnesses, of course!
A/N:
Hated the whole shitty thing? Flames are welcome. So are reviews. Thank you!
Axel: You’re welcome! *burns his bag of popcorn and sets it on the doorstep*
CHAPTER TWO.
Riku's POV
Well. Yesterday, we had quite the interesting Spanish class. Roxas pretty much flubbed all his answers, counted incorrectly (What the hell is drose? It's 'dos', dammit!), and constantly stole glances in my direction. On top of all that, the idiot had the worst accent I've ever heard. It was so... so white-washed.
Riku: Well, Roxas certainly isn’t Spanish.
I wanted to march right over to him and clock one right across his sorry mouth.
Axel: *as Roxas’ mouth* “I’m sorry!”
Riku: *as his fist* Oh, it’s okay- *CLOCK*
Ouch. Why am I being so bitter towards him again? Oh, yeah. That son-of-a-bitch is my 'princess' in a play that Ms. Kisaragi 'oh-so-cleverly' thought up of.
But whatever. He'll get what's coming to him after rehearsals today. You just wait, Takara. You're going down.
Sora: Oooh, a threat!
Riku: Yes. Because, I am the master of threats.
Axel: Sure, Riku.
"Alright-y then! Now that class has started, let's do role call to make sure the main cast is here!" Ms. Kisaragi squealed. Oh. So today's she a freaky lesbian with growth problems, and a bubbly school girl. Whoop-de-do.
Everyone: ...
Roxas: But…she’s still a girl, right?
Riku: ...Yes.
Sora: So...she can be a lesbian school girl that’s bubbly, can’t she?
Riku: ...Not in this story, Sora. Not in this story.
Role call!
"Evil step sister number one!"
Kairi grudgingly raised her hand. She shot me a 'pity-me-Riku' look before turning back to face Namine.
"Evil step sister number two!"
Namine rolled her eyes as she called out a dry 'Here!'. I get the same pitiful look from her as I did from Kairi. God, these girls are idiots. I don't pity losers with fake boobs and high-pitched laughs.
Naminé: *gapes*
Riku: It’s not me saying that!
Duh.
"Fairy God Mother!"
Axel lets out a disgruntled snort as he raises his hand. Yes, you heard me right. He's playing that pudgy woman that turns pumpkins into onion carriages. Hilarious, I know.
Axel: ...
Sora: *snortgiggles*
Axel: SILENCE *lights up Sora’s bag of popcorn*
Sora: Ah, damn D:
"Alright then. Now that we have that settled down, we have to start making the costumes and set. If you're in the stage crew, come up front so I can assign you your jobs. Olette is handing out the scripts, so the main cast can start reviewing their lines and practicing. Is that clear?"
A collective groan is her response. Ms. Kisaragi simply ignores it, and calls the stage crew up for stage crew stuff.
Roxas: Olette always gets out of badfic, scot-free. *is the jealous!*
"Dammit. Why do I have to be that old woman?" Axel grumbled.
"Because Wakka backed out at the last minute, and he's a better student than you."
Axel: WHOA.
Sora: HA.
Axel: EXCUSE ME?
Naminé: It must be his blue bandana! His secret weapon!
Axel: Holy shit, man.
"So?"
"And he's the teacher's pet."
"Shit. You're right!"
"Always am, always will be." I sigh, relaxing in my seat a little.
"What-EVER." Axel whines in an EXTREMELY girly way. I cough. Hanging out with Axel is definitely not a good idea- I should stop before his gay rubs off onto me. Oh god- don't take that the wrong way. That's disgusting.
Axel: WHAT?
Roxas: *spits out drink*
Axel: GIRLY? *summons his chakrams*
Naminé: Hellllo? Property = very no! Very NO!
Axel: BAH.
Riku tries to get Roxas out of the role of Cinderella, but Yuffie doesn’t let it slide. Perhaps she needs a slip-n-slide.
"Fine." Roxas grumbles as he trudges back to his seat. Ugh. He's so immature. No wonder no one has ever asked him out.
Roxas: ...
Sora: Roxas...?
Roxas: ARGH *GOES BACK INTO BERSERK*
Sora: Oh no! D:
Naminé: *ties Roxas to the seat with chains*
Roxas: *claws at the air* DLKSFHALGNAELKGNKLGNLKHGNSLKHNSDLGN
Roxas's POV
Riku's so immature. No wonder no one wants to go near him with all those STDs radiating off his body.
Naminé: *ties Riku to the chair too with chains*
Riku: FOASSHOAGGNDLSNGSLKAGNLKSNGLSKG *swipes at the air*
I'm seriously regretting ever liking him. I have this thing against dumb jocks who have irregularly large egos that control their thoughts. They're all so stupid- but stupidly HOT. So yes. I hate them, and at the same time can't help but ogle at them from a distance. I'm going to grow up to be a pedofile. Oh my god.
Sora: Completely disregarding the fact that Roxas is YOUNGER than Riku.
Axel: *barely containing his anger* Great. Roxas is going to grow up into a foot file.
Naminé: Perhaps it is evolution in the process.
My thoughts scatter as soon as I feel someone's ragged breathing down my neck. Ew.
Naminé: *ties down Axel too*
Axel: I have a bad feeling...
"Hey sexy." Axel purrs, sliding into the desk beside me. Oh lord no. Whenever I talk to Axel, his hands somehow end up down my pants. I'm not in the mood for that right now- I mean, Riku was in the room! N-not that I let him do it while Riku's not around though! You perverts!
Axel: I MUST BURNINATE *TOSSES FLAMING CHAKRAMS AT THE SCREEN, but they are repelled by the DiZ-flavored protection shield*
"Hey Axel. And no, I'm not interested. So go away." I counter, keeping my voice in check so I sounded menacing.
He giggles stupidly. Psh. Like there'd be any other way Axel could giggle.
"Oh, you're always playing hard to get, Roxy. It's so adorable."
Sora: Ew D:
Axel: THERE IS NO GOD.
Riku & Roxas: *still swiping at air*
"Go away, Axel!" Bah. Like he'd actually listen.
"See what I mean? Absolutely," he scoots his desk closer to mine, "Adorable."
*sudden silence in the theater*
Axel: *after being administered a few tranquilizers* Like a teddy bear?
Naminé: Yes, Axel. Like teddy bears *pets his hair and then administers more tranqs to Riku and Roxas*
Sora: *shakes his head in pity*
His breath tickles my ear, and something wet strokes against my lobe. I leap up and away faster than someone could say, 'Onomatopoeia'. Wait, that's too slow. Fuck. Just forget I said anything.
Sora: Can do!
"Axel, Roxas! You two stop playing around now! We have work to do!" Ah. Saved by the teacher.
You know, Ms. Kisaragi isn't all that bad, I guess. I'd bake her some cookies or something if it weren't for her making me friggin CROSS DRESS.
Naminé: Except that this isn’t to save Tifa, this time.
Riku: *delirious laugh* I remember that part! Oh, silly Don Corneo with his...his moustache :D
Sora: Poor Riku~
"We'll continue this later," Axel whispers to me before walking away. I wonder if his mother would mind if he came home with his face bashed in one day.
Axel: I HAVE NO MOM.
"So, what scene are we going to start with?" Namine asks in a calm tone. Her eyes flicker over Riku's body appreciatively, making me feel sick. Riku didn't seem to care, because he flashed Namine one of his famous smirks. The idiot.
Riku: I can’t help it! Naminé’s cute~
Naminé: I can’t help it! Riku’s- you really think so? *blush*
Riku: Suuure :D!
Naminé: Oh Riku! If you weren’t drugged up, I’d take that seriously :D!
Riku: Drugs :D?
"How about the scene where the step sisters make out passionately with the prince behind Cinderella's back?" Kairi asked.
Roxas: *snaps out it* Wait a minute. That HAPPENED in Cinderella?
Axel: No :D
Roxas: Oh, okay :D *ooooh follow the butterflies! Follow the butterflies wheeeee!*
Axel burst out laughing while Riku rolled his eyes. I remained silent, even though I knew they were all waiting for a response. Well, what would I say? 'No, that's fucked up you evil whores!'? I don't think so, as much as I would like to.
"Why don't we just start at the beginning?" I proposed instead. There. An answer that no one could tease or victimize me about.
"Aw, are you sure? I thought you wanted to start with the big love scene, Roxas!" Namine teased.
Naminé: Yes. Let’s start with the sex part first. That makes so much sense.
"No way. I'm not shoving anything up Roxas's-"
Axel: Pockets?
Riku: Shirt?
Sora: Hair?
Naminé: Spandex space?
Roxas: Oh yeah, I have that~
"S-shut up Riku!" I yell. Obviously I spoke a little too soon, about the whole 'No victimizing thing'. Why do all these people hate me?
Roxas: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. I MUST STUTTER NOW BECAUSE I’VE NEVER STUTTERED IN MY LIFE.
Axel: Obviously.
Riku's POV
He did not just tell me to 'Shut up!' in that little girly voice of his. No one tells Riku Kasumi to shut up. In fact, I'm the one who usually does the shutting.
Naminé: Of up?
Riku: Yes. The shutting of up.
Riku gets threatened by Roxas and calls him a sorry excuse for a man, even though Roxas is a mere boy.
"Whatever guys. Let's not start fighting." Kairi whines. I wonder if she realizes that whining is a major turn off to men? Probably not.
Riku: Except that Kairi doesn't whine
Axel: Oooh, got her there!
"Hey! Roxas!" Wakka hollers from across the room. He runs over to us holding a tape measure.
"We need to measure your size, ya." He says sheepishly. Axel makes a choking sound. He has a sick, sick mind.
Roxas: Ew. That was really in bad taste.
Axel: IT’S NOT ME.
"Why?" Roxas asks. I'm amazed by the fact that he can ignore Axel's theatrics without batting an eye.
"Because, we need to see what size your dress will be."
...Roxas. In a dress. I'm going to die of laughter.
"Ha... Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaa!" Too bad, already did.
Sora: *as Scarlet* Kyahahahahaha!
Axel: *as Heidegger* Gyahahahahaha!
Sora: *as Scarlet* Let’s go bitchslap Tifa, just because we hate women (even though I am a woman myself)!
Axel: *as Heidegger* Okay!
Roxas's POV
That bastard! He's laughing at me! It wasn't my fault that I was playing Cinderella, and had to wear a dress!
"Shu-" Er, maybe I shouldn't say anything after all. Last time I told him to shut up, he practically exploded. Which was really stupid. Besides- he has a really nice laugh... and I probably would be laughing alongside him if it weren't for the fact that he was actually laughing at me. Jerk.
"Ha... this is priceless."
Big, evil, stupid, mean, jerk! Tomorrow he's going to get it! ...Get what exactly?
Sora: Get a brain, hopefully.
Riku: Only if you help me pay the cost.
Sora: Hmmmm nah :D
I thought about my revenge all the way home. What could I do to get back at him?
Well I knew one thing- Hayner wasn't helping.
"So he basically pissed you off the whole period again."
"Yes."
"He flirted with your sisters."
"Ugh, but yes."
"He exploded over the fact that you told him to shut up."
"YES!"
Hayner sighed. "Yep. It's love alright."
Roxas: HOW?
"Haaayner!" I whine. He grins back at me.
"Your right-
Roxas: My right what?
It's pure hate from the depths of Riku's heart. Sound better?"
No. It sounded awful.
"...D'you think Riku will ever notice me?"
Riku: Nope.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, he already has."
"No, I don't mean noticing me that way- with all the yelling and stuff. I mean... you know. Romantically?"
Riku: ...Nope.
Roxas: Thank you, Riku.
Hayner pauses in mid-step, trying to look thoughtful. We both knew he was just doing it so I wouldn't feel so bad.
"Well, he might. You never know."
Roxas: I hope he doesn’t.
Riku: Yeah, I won't.
All I can give him is a weak smile after that.
"Yeah. Thanks Hayner."
He grins apologetically, and waves goodbye to me before walking off in the other direction. I sigh heavily and trudge up the steps to my house.
Then it hit me. I knew how to get back at that bastard for all his teasing, and maybe Kairi and Namine in the process.
"Hey! Hayner! Wait up! I have an idea!"
Everyone: OMG SUSPENSE.
A/N:
Cliffhanger right about here folks. Sorry bout' that- but I have to divide the chapters somehow. Muhahaha, Roxas is a genious. Why? Read the next chapter to find out, like, DUH. XD. And of course as usual, reviews are welcome. Flames are too. They fuel all my sarcastic remarks, yanno.
Roxas: Genious?
Axel: Yanno?
Sora: And to think, this is a review:
Axel is flirty as always xD
Axel: WHAT? Oh no, let’s recap all my scenes and see if there’s any flirty there.
Roxas: *as CoM!Axel* Welcome to Castle Oblivion! *fights*
Riku: *as Kh2!Axel* Hay thar, Roxas! How's the weather? *fights*
Naminé: *as Kh2!Axel* Our boss' name isn't "Douchebag!" You lied to me, Roxas! *fights*
Sora: *as Kh2!Axel* I was complimented, Roxas! *fights*
Roxas: *as Kh2!Axel* Hay thar, Kairi! How's the surf? *threatens*
Axel: *as himself* Hay thar, Sora! I mock your ability to spell! *probably would’ve fought if Saix didn’t show up*
Naminé: *as Kh2!Axel* The princess is in another castle, Sora! *fights with Sora*
Axel: Yeah, see? I like to fight rather than flirt.
And the fic is a to be continued! Oh noes!
Author: Kumiko-sama
Rating:
Full Name (including any titles): Riku Kasumi (Mr. Sex God), Roxas Takara (Mr. Meek Bitch), Kairi Takara (Ms. I'm a Bitch), Namine Takara (Ms. I'm a Bitch Too), Axel Haruka (Mr. Gay Bastard That's Dumber than Wakka (sorry Wakka!)), Ms. Kisaragi (Yuffie, of course, Ms. Lesbian with growth issues and schoolgirl complex), and then whatever
Full Species(es): Human, I think
Hair Color (include adjectives): The canon same
Eye Color (include adjectives): Same
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: None
Special Possessions (if any): None
Origin: High School Hell
Connections To Canon Characters: HIGH SCHOOL HELL
Special Abilities: None
Other Annoying Traits: Conceited!Riku, emo!meek!quiet!shy!Roxas, bitch!Kairi, bitch!Namine, crazywrong!Axel, and child molesting teachers.
I Say/Notes: Didn't completely reformat it exactly (left out the italics mostly), but I'm a little in a hurry. But my first sporking, yay! *eats a burrito with a spork, yes*
Sample:
*Axel, Roxas, Riku, Sora, Naminé all enter a theater of doom at the same time. They seem confused. A script of the fic rests on a chair, an emergency kit on the side. Naminé goes to pick up the script, THE POOR FOOL *
Axel: Somehow, I have a bad feeling already. *reading the script over Naminé’s shoulder*
Naminé: Cinderella? Aw, a Disney classic!
Roxas: Except that she was kind of dumb.
Naminé: *sigh* You’re right =/
Riku: And my last name is apparently, “Kasumi.” Well, at least it’s not, “Yami” or whatever
Sora: ...Where am I in this story D:? *the forgotten one!*
The rest: You ought to be grateful for that >_>
Sora: ...Maybe so.
*all sit in chairs emitting doom with a side of ranch dressing*
A/N:
I was bored, dammit. I wanted to write some poetry but I was feeling a bit too sarcastic for that at the moment. So I wrote a fanfic about Cinderella instead. The idea was originated from my friend Marissa, but I took it a bit further and made a story. So here it is, Marissa. I hope you like it, and I hope other people do too. It took a pretty long time to write this piece of shi- I mean art. Yes, I know that there are many stories about this. They're all much better, but then again I did say I was bored.
Axel: Authors usually do these things when bored, don’t they? That’s it. I’m going to call this the “Death Note” complex.
Sora: Why’s that?
Axel: Because the main character of Death Note was bored, so he wrote stuff! And then people were mass-murdered. And this fic is probably mass-murdering too, sooo...
Riku: Raito’s probably a better writer though, at least.
Sora: IT BEGINS.
Roxas's POV
Cinderella. What a lucky bitch. Why can't I have something like that happen to me?
Axel: Because you need to believe you can understand mice first.
I need a some fat lady dressed in a sparkly blue gown, equipped with a plastic stick capable of turning me into a princess. Then I can go to that Homecoming dance, and meet some handsome guy that will fall in love with me upon first glance. We'll dance for a little bit, singing along to some annoying background melody, and I'll notice that it's midnight. I'll lose my glass stiletto on the way out of the gym, and then my prince will find it and begin a search. He'll ask every other girl in town, finally showing up at my place and asking my two butt ugly sisters Kairi and Namine to try it on.
Naminé: *gape*
Roxas: SHE WROTE THAT, NOT ME.
Naminé: You called me butt ugly DDDD:
Axel: Though I must wonder-
Riku: Uh oh?
Axel: If the glass slipper stiletto belongs to Roxas, how big would that be?
Roxas: ...
Axel: I mean, his feet are HUGE. That must be one huge glass stiletto. Not a lot of girls could probably fit that glass stiletto, it’s just so huge-
Roxas: *punches*
And then he'll leave without ever asking me.
Because on that very night, I was a princess, not a prince. I'm a guy, not a girl.
Riku: So, Roxas wants a boob job?
Sora: Awkwaaaaaaard.
Axel: *still going* Seriously, Roxas! In order for you to even wear those shoes of yours, your feet must be gigantic! Or you just stuff them with socks or something to fake length. But stuffing your feet for a huge glass stiletto is not the answer- it doesn’t even LOOK pretty. Not that huge feet in glass stilettos look pretty anyway but-
Roxas: CEASE AND DESIST ALREADY. And just read.
Naminé: *pats Roxas on the back*
Maybe that's why Namine tells me that I'm a freak.
Naminé: -that’s not supposed to exist.
And maybe it's the reason why Kairi says that my life will never be a Cinderella parody. I know though, that it's exactly why Riku Kasumi will never spare me a passing glance. He's the school's fucking sex god, preferring to ram into pussies, not asses.
Riku: ...Yes, I prefer to run over kittens rather than donkeys.
Sora: But the kittens are so innocent D:! *as FFX!priest* You fiend!
Naminé: *as another FFX!priest* Quick! Send him to the farplane!
Axel: Have you even had sex before, Riku?
Riku: No! I have sensible decency, guys!
So I can't even dream about my life as a Cinderella parody. It would be too painful, because it's the most unrealistic dream someone could have.
Sora: Awww, drama.
Roxas: It’s just the beginning of horrible pain, I believe.
Riku's POV
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-
Axel: *as Riku* bah da ba ba ba!
Naminé: *as Riku* I’m lovin’ it!
Riku: I hate you guys.
"-- And we're having a class play to support the fundraiser!"
My head snaps up quickly, resulting in a whiplash. I let out a long string of inaudible curses, and turn my attention to the front of the room. Ms. Kisaragi is waving around a packet of papers, and smiling gaily. Too gaily. I swear, that woman is a lesbian.
Sora: Yuffie’s a lesbian?
Riku: About as much sense as her being a teacher. She could be one, but somehow I doubt it.
"Kasumi! Didja hear that?"
This time I turn my head so I'm looking to my right. I wince at the small ache I feel, making Axel stare at me stupidly. I roll my eyes dismissively.
Riku: This fic makes me hurt. Shoot me now.
Sora: If only Xigbar were here...
"What?"
Axel grins.
"We're having a play, and guess what it's based on?"
Riku: Kitties and donkeys?
I glare at him.
"Uh, idiots in love? Murder? All that 'Thou', and 'thy' shit?"
Another moment of staring at me stupidly. God dammit, when he does that it looks like his eyebrows are completely diminished!
Roxas: Even Axel’s eyebrows are stealthy!
Axel: That’s how badass I am, Roxas.
Riku: Even though you do it “stupidly.”
Axel: *promptly ignores*
"Stop that freaky staring! I know I'm good looking, but I can only handle so much!"
Naminé: *as Riku* If dust touches my hair, I give you permission to stab it out!
He laughs at this, choking out 'Touché' in the process. I smirk back. Of course all my remarks are 'touché-d'. I am a Kasumi after all.
Sora: Dead or Alive!Kasumi?
Axel: Pokémon!Kasumi?
Riku: Which one is better?
Roxas: Well, DoA!Kasumi has a sword-
Riku: I’ll take that.
"Ha, no. It's about Cinderella."
I blink. "What? Then I was right about 'idiots in love'! You lying sadist!"
Axel: And I’m a sadist! Maybe I should start borrowing books from Larxene!
I chuck a piece of paper at him, and he swats it away with more laughter.
Axel: I kill your piece of paper with my flaming fist of fury! HA HA HA.
Riku: I counterstrike with evil eraser shreds from my desk! FOR GREAT JUSTICE *flings them at Axel*
Axel: OH THE PAIN OF USED ERASER.
"Mr. Kasumi! Mr. Haruka! I'm in the middle of speaking right now, so if you two would please shut your mouths?"
Riku: Oh see, now Axel’s Sailor Uranus before the dubbing got her.
Sora: *as Utada Hikaru* haruka, harukaaaaaaaa, MIRAI WAAAAA~
Both of us stare at Ms. Kisaragi, unfazed by her sudden outburst. She's too short to be scary.
Roxas: *as Riku* You must be this short to be scary.
Sora: So, what does that make gremlins and furbies?
"Sorry." Axel apologizes meekly.
Axel: HA HA HA HA- no. I am meek for no being.
I only give her a small smile and nod. I don't apologize to loudmouth lesbians with growth issues, thank you.
Sora: Oooh, that’s low.
"Anyway," She continues, "We need to find students who are going to participate in the play. We'll take volunteers first, then nominations, and if either of those fail, I'll pick randomly. Okay?"
Sora: *as Yuffie* I will pretend my hand is a stick and the randomly selected is a piñata.
BUT NO ONE REALLY CARES. OR DO THEY?
I scan the room quietly, seeing who wanted to play that blonde whore. Namine, Kairi, Selphie, Olette... yep. All the preppy women in this class want a shot at that role.
Axel: *as the girls* GO TEAM *jiggles imaginary pom-poms*
Naminé: I don’t even own pom-poms D:
"Er- why don't we start with Prince Charming first, everyone?" Ms. Kisaragi asks, not wanting to pick one of the many girls that wanted a role. They all sat down with dramatic sighs.
Naminé: *as the girls* We are the sad, forgotten ones.
And then Yuffie asks for boy nominations! But no one is strong enough to lift their hands.
"Roxas?"
My eyes stray over to the shy blonde cowering in the corner of the back of the room. Jesus, he looks like a girl.
Roxas: *spits out whatever soda he was drinking* SHY?
Riku: Now, Roxas...
Roxas: GIRL?
Riku: It’s not like that...
Roxas: GIRL?! *draws out Oblivion and Oathkeeper and goes for the screen*
Sora: No, don’t do it D:! We don’t have the munny to pay for damages!*holds back Roxas*
Roxas: *as Fuu* RAGE.
"He seems more likely to play the role of the princess, than the actual prince, Ms. Kisaragi." I blurt out before I can stop it.
Roxas: *GOING BERSERK*
Giggles erupt from the room, and Roxas sinks further back into his seat. Ms. Kisaragi doesn't look pleased.
Naminé: *as Yuffie* But secretly, it makes me giggle too! *eats popcorn*
"Well, Mr. Kasumi. If you say so, then you can play the prince," I grin and many girls around the room gasp excitedly, "And Roxas will play Cinderella."
Riku: ...
Axel: Well, that’s kind of gay *snickers*
Riku: *draws out Way to the Dawn*
Sora: Oh, not you too!
Riku: *heads for the screen*
Naminé: NO, RIKU D: *tries to hold him back* Property damage = NO.
Axel: In rape fic, no means yes :D
Naminé: YOU’RE NOT HELPING.
ROXAS IS IN THE SHOCK. And for good reason. And then he goes on about what a crummy actor he is
Axel: Not a surprise, because he’s also a terrible liar.
Naminé: And you totally fell for it.
Axel: ...*sigh* Yeah, I did.
"Nonsense, Mr. Takara! Mr. Kasumi already nominated you, so I see no reason why you shouldn't be!"
Axel: Other than the fact that, I don’t know, Cinderella’s a chick and Roxas isn’t.
Roxas: THANK YOU.
I know one good reason!" Kairi exclaimed from her seat nearby. I shoot my sister a withering look. She returns it with a solid glare.
Naminé: *as Kairi* No more playing dress-up for you!
Axel: *as Roxas* But Mrs. Teddy Bear is so looking forward to our next tea party!
Naminé: *as Kairi* Then she and her tea cup shall go wanting! Bah!
"He's a boy! And Riku's a boy!" She concludes. Beside her, Namine nods seriously.
Naminé: As you can tell by their genitals, I am fair sure that our conclusion makes the most sense ever.
Riku & Roxas: Our geni-? *embarrassment!*
Naminé: Back to your seats?
Riku & Roxas: *indeed*
I hope that they get the roles of the two evil stepsisters- it would suit them to a 'B', as in bitches.
Naminé: *as both herself and Kairi* It’s only because we love you, Roxas!
"Ah, since you two both support this so, then why don't you both play the stepsisters? That way you can despise their relationship in your roles as well!"
Axel: *as Yuffie* Yes, because...I love soap opera.
Sora: I knew it!
"But-!" Namine begins, her bottom lip jutting out into a pout.
Riku: Aw, but she’s cute when she pouts.
Everyone: *looks at Riku*
Riku: *coughsembarassment* I was with her for a year, guys!
Naminé: Awww, you're sweet :3
And then Yuffie finalizes the roles on the chalkboard of DOOM.
"I still can't believe you're playing Cinderella."
"I know. Pity me."
"I still can't believe that your going to have a sex scene with the almighty Riku."
"I know. Wait- what?!"
Everyone: WHAT?
Axel: Since when did Cinderella have a sex scene?! Assuming that this is Disney’s Cinderella because of the mention of a fat lady in blue dress.
Sora: And I thought it was so innocent D:! But it’s secretly a pr0noooooo! WHERE IS MY CHILDHOOD?
Riku: But I am “almighty.”
Roxas: *rolls his eyes*
I smack Hayner in the arm as he pouts un-cutely.
Roxas: Hayner does everything “un-cutely.”
"Hey! I was only kidding. Besides, you'd probably want a scene like that anyway. With your big ol' crush on our prince charming, eh?"
Roxas: And here I thought schools were trying to stop underage sex.
Axel: Not this one!
I ignore him as I start to twist the dial of my locker. Yes, I have a huge crush on Riku. I said that before, didn't I? Well it's true, and thank god that only Hayner knows about it. He's the only guy I know around here that's not a homophobe. Except for Sora of course, who was dating the elusive team captain of the Blitzball team, Tidus.
Sora: Oh! There I am! But I am gay =/
Axel: Of course! Women are taboo to date, silly!
Pulling my remedial Spanish 1 book off my locker's top shelf, I feel something light make contact with my head. I glare back at Hayner, who simply shrugs, and leans down to pick up a piece of paper.
"What's that from?" I ask as he hands it to me.
Axel: *as Hayner* FROM HELL.
He points in a random direction. My eyes follow his fingertip until they meet with the familiar glare of my sisters, Kairi and Namine. I groan and open up the paper grudgingly.
'YOU ARE A DEAD MAN, ROXAS.'
Naminé: -that’s not supposed to exist.
Truthfully, my sisters could report back to my dad and tell him some spurious lie that would result in me being grounded for a month. Yeah. They're both 'Daddy's girls' in our household. I'm personally more of a 'Momma's boy'. Except since our mom is dead, it's now more of a 'Gran-gran's boy'. But, whatever.
Sora: *snickers* Gran-gran.
Roxas: Dem-Dem
Axel: Mar-Mar
Riku: Kai-Kai
Naminé: Xem-Xem
Axel: Ro-Ro- okay, this needs to die now.
"Yeah. They'll probably just try spreading rumors or something like that." I say instead of elaborating things further, and we walk off to Remedial Spanish
Axel: Como estas, bitches.
Riku's POV
Why did I have to open my mouth? Why didn't I take that self control therapy my mother signed me up for last summer? Dammit, why?
Riku: Why couldn’t I have taken therapy for EVERYTHING?
"Jeez Riku. So how does it feel?" Axel asks me as we take our seats in Remedial Spanish 1. Oh, heck yes. You heard me right. Remedial Spanish... ONE.
Riku: That’s a little less than TWO.
Axel: But greater than ZERO POINT FIVE.
I'm a sophomore that failed Spanish in my Freshman year, alright? It's not my fault that our teacher last year wore skimpy shirts that revealed tons of cleavage, and flirted (Well, at least I thought so. Almost every woman I meet is practically dying to tie me down and screw me on the spot.) with me every chance she got. I swear, it was a total surprise when she announced I was receiving an 'F' in her class.
Axel: Probably because you didn’t put out. *snickers. And then eats a snickers*
Riku: *EYE TWITCH*
"How does what feel?" I retort tiredly.
"You know!" I glare at him. No, I don't know you faggot. That's why I'm fucking asking.
"No, I don't." I snarl back.
Naminé: Someone dropped his quotation marks!
He sighs, shaking his head. His hair flips around wildly, hitting me in the face several times before I swat at him to stop.
Riku: No, it’s okay. Keep doing it. It helps me feel sane.
Sora: *pats Riku on the shoulder*
"You get to make out with Roxas Takara, you ass!"
Riku: I don’t want to be a donkey. Keep slapping me with your hair.
Oh. Ew, like that's anything worth talking about.
"You say it like that's a good thing," I snort, raising an eyebrow, "But then again, you are one gay bastard."
Axel: ...
Sora: Ouch.
Axel: I wish I could slap myself with my own hair.
Axel shushes me, and looks around the room to see if anyone heard. He calms down after a few minutes.
"Don't say it so loudly!" he whispers harshly. I roll my eyes. So what? Axel was gay. Almost everyone knew it.
Riku: shhh...BE QUIET.
"Why, I'm terribly sorry your highness."
Axel regards me with another questioning stare, then pulls out his books and ignores me. That suited me just fine; his constant jabbering can get rather annoying.
Axel: Try hanging out with Zexion then! He talks a mile a minute!
"...ku!"
Naminé: Ku! Ku! Ku!
Sora: Coo! Coo! Coo! *I’M AN OWL*
"Nngh..."
"Riku! Hey!"
My eyes flutter open when I hear Axel calling me. That idiot doesn't understand that when I'm asleep, NO ONE wakes me. He's been marked for death twelve times this week.
Axel: That’s okay. I tried to kill myself and I’m still alive.
Roxas: A suicidal person’s nightmare.
"Look who's here!" he whispers. I sigh and look up, only to see that timid blonde Takara staring back at me. He looks both bewildered and scared, much to my amusement.
Roxas: I’m only scared because I’m secretly being held at gun point.
"He's in this class...?" I ask Axel without removing my gaze. Axel shrugs.
"I dunno. I heard from Demyx that they transferred him to Remedial because of how bad he was doing in Spanish 1."
Oh. So that's why. If I hadn't known better, I'd think he was stalking me.
Sora: *as Riku* In sleep, he saaaang to me. In dreams, he caaaaame.
And then Riku conks out again. Perhaps the best course of action ever.
Roxas's POV
Hayner has got to be the evilest 'best friend' anyone could ever have. Sure, he told me that I'd see some familiar faces in Remedial Spanish 1. But Riku?! Doesn't Hayner know that I'll hyperventilate if I get within a five foot diameter of him, especially after what happened in English? I guess not.
Axel: Is Riku the one with the gun?
Roxas: Yeah, it’s in his hair like a shuriken is in Sora’s.
Sora: No one ever suspects it!
Hayner snickers to Roxas about having Riku in the classroom, but Roxas would rather take no shit.
A large man dressed in a worn out t-shirt and ripped jeans walked into the classroom, and smiled broadly. Ugh. He looked like he'd just been laid.
Naminé: How quaint.
Unfortunately though; I don't think anyone would want to screw him, so he must've been the one doing the screwing.
Holy shit. My new Spanish teacher was a child molester!
Axel: HOSHIT, SON.
Riku: Yes, because, an adult faculty isn’t ever a possibility! He must be sleeping with children!
And then the teacher speaks Spanish and Roxas is like, “WHAT THE HELL?” but then Riku berates him for not knowing the meaning of the sentences so Roxas guesses.
"Oh- right. Uh... play?"
Axel lets out a loud chuckle, but clasps his hand over his mouth when Riku glares at him. I almost die on the spot when he turns to me, and gives me the same glare. Jeez, I didn't know that he was that pissed about being Prince Charming in the class play.
Or maybe he was just pissed that I was playing Cinderella. Yep. That must be it. Poor me.
Roxas: WRRRRRRRY?
"Si, si! Jugar. Es muy bien Roxas."
Axel: I don’t know what that says, so I’m just going to quote Resident Evil 4. “¡Sí, quiero matar!”
The fat old man began writing 'jugar' in sloppy letters on the white board, completely ignoring Axel's outburst and Riku's rude PMSing.
Riku: Shit. Now I am a woman too.
Great. So if Riku murdered me in class one day, he wouldn't notice and then Riku would get away with it. I hate ignorant teachers.
Axel: Completely forgetting all the other witnesses, of course!
A/N:
Hated the whole shitty thing? Flames are welcome. So are reviews. Thank you!
Axel: You’re welcome! *burns his bag of popcorn and sets it on the doorstep*
CHAPTER TWO.
Riku's POV
Well. Yesterday, we had quite the interesting Spanish class. Roxas pretty much flubbed all his answers, counted incorrectly (What the hell is drose? It's 'dos', dammit!), and constantly stole glances in my direction. On top of all that, the idiot had the worst accent I've ever heard. It was so... so white-washed.
Riku: Well, Roxas certainly isn’t Spanish.
I wanted to march right over to him and clock one right across his sorry mouth.
Axel: *as Roxas’ mouth* “I’m sorry!”
Riku: *as his fist* Oh, it’s okay- *CLOCK*
Ouch. Why am I being so bitter towards him again? Oh, yeah. That son-of-a-bitch is my 'princess' in a play that Ms. Kisaragi 'oh-so-cleverly' thought up of.
But whatever. He'll get what's coming to him after rehearsals today. You just wait, Takara. You're going down.
Sora: Oooh, a threat!
Riku: Yes. Because, I am the master of threats.
Axel: Sure, Riku.
"Alright-y then! Now that class has started, let's do role call to make sure the main cast is here!" Ms. Kisaragi squealed. Oh. So today's she a freaky lesbian with growth problems, and a bubbly school girl. Whoop-de-do.
Everyone: ...
Roxas: But…she’s still a girl, right?
Riku: ...Yes.
Sora: So...she can be a lesbian school girl that’s bubbly, can’t she?
Riku: ...Not in this story, Sora. Not in this story.
Role call!
"Evil step sister number one!"
Kairi grudgingly raised her hand. She shot me a 'pity-me-Riku' look before turning back to face Namine.
"Evil step sister number two!"
Namine rolled her eyes as she called out a dry 'Here!'. I get the same pitiful look from her as I did from Kairi. God, these girls are idiots. I don't pity losers with fake boobs and high-pitched laughs.
Naminé: *gapes*
Riku: It’s not me saying that!
Duh.
"Fairy God Mother!"
Axel lets out a disgruntled snort as he raises his hand. Yes, you heard me right. He's playing that pudgy woman that turns pumpkins into onion carriages. Hilarious, I know.
Axel: ...
Sora: *snortgiggles*
Axel: SILENCE *lights up Sora’s bag of popcorn*
Sora: Ah, damn D:
"Alright then. Now that we have that settled down, we have to start making the costumes and set. If you're in the stage crew, come up front so I can assign you your jobs. Olette is handing out the scripts, so the main cast can start reviewing their lines and practicing. Is that clear?"
A collective groan is her response. Ms. Kisaragi simply ignores it, and calls the stage crew up for stage crew stuff.
Roxas: Olette always gets out of badfic, scot-free. *is the jealous!*
"Dammit. Why do I have to be that old woman?" Axel grumbled.
"Because Wakka backed out at the last minute, and he's a better student than you."
Axel: WHOA.
Sora: HA.
Axel: EXCUSE ME?
Naminé: It must be his blue bandana! His secret weapon!
Axel: Holy shit, man.
"So?"
"And he's the teacher's pet."
"Shit. You're right!"
"Always am, always will be." I sigh, relaxing in my seat a little.
"What-EVER." Axel whines in an EXTREMELY girly way. I cough. Hanging out with Axel is definitely not a good idea- I should stop before his gay rubs off onto me. Oh god- don't take that the wrong way. That's disgusting.
Axel: WHAT?
Roxas: *spits out drink*
Axel: GIRLY? *summons his chakrams*
Naminé: Hellllo? Property = very no! Very NO!
Axel: BAH.
Riku tries to get Roxas out of the role of Cinderella, but Yuffie doesn’t let it slide. Perhaps she needs a slip-n-slide.
"Fine." Roxas grumbles as he trudges back to his seat. Ugh. He's so immature. No wonder no one has ever asked him out.
Roxas: ...
Sora: Roxas...?
Roxas: ARGH *GOES BACK INTO BERSERK*
Sora: Oh no! D:
Naminé: *ties Roxas to the seat with chains*
Roxas: *claws at the air* DLKSFHALGNAELKGNKLGNLKHGNSLKHNSDLGN
Roxas's POV
Riku's so immature. No wonder no one wants to go near him with all those STDs radiating off his body.
Naminé: *ties Riku to the chair too with chains*
Riku: FOASSHOAGGNDLSNGSLKAGNLKSNGLSKG *swipes at the air*
I'm seriously regretting ever liking him. I have this thing against dumb jocks who have irregularly large egos that control their thoughts. They're all so stupid- but stupidly HOT. So yes. I hate them, and at the same time can't help but ogle at them from a distance. I'm going to grow up to be a pedofile. Oh my god.
Sora: Completely disregarding the fact that Roxas is YOUNGER than Riku.
Axel: *barely containing his anger* Great. Roxas is going to grow up into a foot file.
Naminé: Perhaps it is evolution in the process.
My thoughts scatter as soon as I feel someone's ragged breathing down my neck. Ew.
Naminé: *ties down Axel too*
Axel: I have a bad feeling...
"Hey sexy." Axel purrs, sliding into the desk beside me. Oh lord no. Whenever I talk to Axel, his hands somehow end up down my pants. I'm not in the mood for that right now- I mean, Riku was in the room! N-not that I let him do it while Riku's not around though! You perverts!
Axel: I MUST BURNINATE *TOSSES FLAMING CHAKRAMS AT THE SCREEN, but they are repelled by the DiZ-flavored protection shield*
"Hey Axel. And no, I'm not interested. So go away." I counter, keeping my voice in check so I sounded menacing.
He giggles stupidly. Psh. Like there'd be any other way Axel could giggle.
"Oh, you're always playing hard to get, Roxy. It's so adorable."
Sora: Ew D:
Axel: THERE IS NO GOD.
Riku & Roxas: *still swiping at air*
"Go away, Axel!" Bah. Like he'd actually listen.
"See what I mean? Absolutely," he scoots his desk closer to mine, "Adorable."
*sudden silence in the theater*
Axel: *after being administered a few tranquilizers* Like a teddy bear?
Naminé: Yes, Axel. Like teddy bears *pets his hair and then administers more tranqs to Riku and Roxas*
Sora: *shakes his head in pity*
His breath tickles my ear, and something wet strokes against my lobe. I leap up and away faster than someone could say, 'Onomatopoeia'. Wait, that's too slow. Fuck. Just forget I said anything.
Sora: Can do!
"Axel, Roxas! You two stop playing around now! We have work to do!" Ah. Saved by the teacher.
You know, Ms. Kisaragi isn't all that bad, I guess. I'd bake her some cookies or something if it weren't for her making me friggin CROSS DRESS.
Naminé: Except that this isn’t to save Tifa, this time.
Riku: *delirious laugh* I remember that part! Oh, silly Don Corneo with his...his moustache :D
Sora: Poor Riku~
"We'll continue this later," Axel whispers to me before walking away. I wonder if his mother would mind if he came home with his face bashed in one day.
Axel: I HAVE NO MOM.
"So, what scene are we going to start with?" Namine asks in a calm tone. Her eyes flicker over Riku's body appreciatively, making me feel sick. Riku didn't seem to care, because he flashed Namine one of his famous smirks. The idiot.
Riku: I can’t help it! Naminé’s cute~
Naminé: I can’t help it! Riku’s- you really think so? *blush*
Riku: Suuure :D!
Naminé: Oh Riku! If you weren’t drugged up, I’d take that seriously :D!
Riku: Drugs :D?
"How about the scene where the step sisters make out passionately with the prince behind Cinderella's back?" Kairi asked.
Roxas: *snaps out it* Wait a minute. That HAPPENED in Cinderella?
Axel: No :D
Roxas: Oh, okay :D *ooooh follow the butterflies! Follow the butterflies wheeeee!*
Axel burst out laughing while Riku rolled his eyes. I remained silent, even though I knew they were all waiting for a response. Well, what would I say? 'No, that's fucked up you evil whores!'? I don't think so, as much as I would like to.
"Why don't we just start at the beginning?" I proposed instead. There. An answer that no one could tease or victimize me about.
"Aw, are you sure? I thought you wanted to start with the big love scene, Roxas!" Namine teased.
Naminé: Yes. Let’s start with the sex part first. That makes so much sense.
"No way. I'm not shoving anything up Roxas's-"
Axel: Pockets?
Riku: Shirt?
Sora: Hair?
Naminé: Spandex space?
Roxas: Oh yeah, I have that~
"S-shut up Riku!" I yell. Obviously I spoke a little too soon, about the whole 'No victimizing thing'. Why do all these people hate me?
Roxas: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. I MUST STUTTER NOW BECAUSE I’VE NEVER STUTTERED IN MY LIFE.
Axel: Obviously.
Riku's POV
He did not just tell me to 'Shut up!' in that little girly voice of his. No one tells Riku Kasumi to shut up. In fact, I'm the one who usually does the shutting.
Naminé: Of up?
Riku: Yes. The shutting of up.
Riku gets threatened by Roxas and calls him a sorry excuse for a man, even though Roxas is a mere boy.
"Whatever guys. Let's not start fighting." Kairi whines. I wonder if she realizes that whining is a major turn off to men? Probably not.
Riku: Except that Kairi doesn't whine
Axel: Oooh, got her there!
"Hey! Roxas!" Wakka hollers from across the room. He runs over to us holding a tape measure.
"We need to measure your size, ya." He says sheepishly. Axel makes a choking sound. He has a sick, sick mind.
Roxas: Ew. That was really in bad taste.
Axel: IT’S NOT ME.
"Why?" Roxas asks. I'm amazed by the fact that he can ignore Axel's theatrics without batting an eye.
"Because, we need to see what size your dress will be."
...Roxas. In a dress. I'm going to die of laughter.
"Ha... Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaa!" Too bad, already did.
Sora: *as Scarlet* Kyahahahahaha!
Axel: *as Heidegger* Gyahahahahaha!
Sora: *as Scarlet* Let’s go bitchslap Tifa, just because we hate women (even though I am a woman myself)!
Axel: *as Heidegger* Okay!
Roxas's POV
That bastard! He's laughing at me! It wasn't my fault that I was playing Cinderella, and had to wear a dress!
"Shu-" Er, maybe I shouldn't say anything after all. Last time I told him to shut up, he practically exploded. Which was really stupid. Besides- he has a really nice laugh... and I probably would be laughing alongside him if it weren't for the fact that he was actually laughing at me. Jerk.
"Ha... this is priceless."
Big, evil, stupid, mean, jerk! Tomorrow he's going to get it! ...Get what exactly?
Sora: Get a brain, hopefully.
Riku: Only if you help me pay the cost.
Sora: Hmmmm nah :D
I thought about my revenge all the way home. What could I do to get back at him?
Well I knew one thing- Hayner wasn't helping.
"So he basically pissed you off the whole period again."
"Yes."
"He flirted with your sisters."
"Ugh, but yes."
"He exploded over the fact that you told him to shut up."
"YES!"
Hayner sighed. "Yep. It's love alright."
Roxas: HOW?
"Haaayner!" I whine. He grins back at me.
"Your right-
Roxas: My right what?
It's pure hate from the depths of Riku's heart. Sound better?"
No. It sounded awful.
"...D'you think Riku will ever notice me?"
Riku: Nope.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, he already has."
"No, I don't mean noticing me that way- with all the yelling and stuff. I mean... you know. Romantically?"
Riku: ...Nope.
Roxas: Thank you, Riku.
Hayner pauses in mid-step, trying to look thoughtful. We both knew he was just doing it so I wouldn't feel so bad.
"Well, he might. You never know."
Roxas: I hope he doesn’t.
Riku: Yeah, I won't.
All I can give him is a weak smile after that.
"Yeah. Thanks Hayner."
He grins apologetically, and waves goodbye to me before walking off in the other direction. I sigh heavily and trudge up the steps to my house.
Then it hit me. I knew how to get back at that bastard for all his teasing, and maybe Kairi and Namine in the process.
"Hey! Hayner! Wait up! I have an idea!"
Everyone: OMG SUSPENSE.
A/N:
Cliffhanger right about here folks. Sorry bout' that- but I have to divide the chapters somehow. Muhahaha, Roxas is a genious. Why? Read the next chapter to find out, like, DUH. XD. And of course as usual, reviews are welcome. Flames are too. They fuel all my sarcastic remarks, yanno.
Roxas: Genious?
Axel: Yanno?
Sora: And to think, this is a review:
Axel is flirty as always xD
Axel: WHAT? Oh no, let’s recap all my scenes and see if there’s any flirty there.
Roxas: *as CoM!Axel* Welcome to Castle Oblivion! *fights*
Riku: *as Kh2!Axel* Hay thar, Roxas! How's the weather? *fights*
Naminé: *as Kh2!Axel* Our boss' name isn't "Douchebag!" You lied to me, Roxas! *fights*
Sora: *as Kh2!Axel* I was complimented, Roxas! *fights*
Roxas: *as Kh2!Axel* Hay thar, Kairi! How's the surf? *threatens*
Axel: *as himself* Hay thar, Sora! I mock your ability to spell! *probably would’ve fought if Saix didn’t show up*
Naminé: *as Kh2!Axel* The princess is in another castle, Sora! *fights with Sora*
Axel: Yeah, see? I like to fight rather than flirt.
And the fic is a to be continued! Oh noes!