{oneshot} shaded purple ; maruda
TITLE: Shaded Purple
PAIRING: Nakamaru Yuichi x Ueda Tatsuya (past Nishikido Ryo x Ueda Tatsuya)
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: Do not own.
GENRE: Fluff, romance
NOTES: Written for sashjun for fic_the_faith, originally posted here. I know this has been done before, but I realised that I haven't done my take on the story.
SUMMARY: They stand there on a tiny dirt road looking out to the horizon, and all they can see is purple and more purple and even more purple, and it's all kinds of beautiful; Tatsuya finds that he can't look away.
"Ryo."
"No, go away."
"Mean."
"You know it, bitch."
Tatsuya sighs and falls back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. "What're you doing?" he asks into the phone, watching a fly crawl across the roof.
"Being awesome," Ryo says nonchalantly. "What do you want?"
"Why do you assume I--"
"Because you're ringing me in the middle of the day, asking me what I'm doing," Ryo answers, and Tatsuya stills.
"So?"
"You don't do that unless you need to talk about your girl problems," Ryo finishes, and sighs. "I know you better than you think, Tatsuya."
"What, just because we dated for a few years you think you know me?" Tatsuya teases, but he knows that Ryo is right. He hates it when Ryo is right.
Ryo is always right.
"Yes."
"Fuck you," Tatsuya retorts.
Ryo laughs. "So, what is it?" he asks. There's a strange noise at the other end of the line and then Ryo laughs before coughing. "Sorry."
"What was that?"
"...I killed Yamapi," Ryo murmurs softly. "He was attacking me with his horde of zombies, I had to--"
"Back to me now," Tatsuya interrupts, rolling his eyes but smiling. "Stop playing games with Yamashita when you're talking to me!"
"No."
"So Nakamaru wants to go on a trip with me," Tatsuya says, and he laughs at the groan that Ryo gives him. "Did you die?"
"Maybe," is his answer. "Wait, you're leaving me all alone? Where are you going?"
"He wants to go up to Hokkaido to see the lavender fields--"
"Oh man, that is so gay," Ryo cackles, and Tatsuya glares at the ceiling.
"Shut up!" he retorts, but Ryo laughs louder instead.
"You are never going to live this down," Ryo laughs, snorting a little. Tatsuya grimaces.
"You're so charming."
"You know it."
"So, should I go?" Tatsuya asks, his fingers pulling at the edge of his shirt. There are more noises on Ryo's end - blasts and gun shots; Ryo grunts again - but Tatsuya just waits, wondering. "Ryo?"
"Yeah, I'm here," he mutters. "Stupid Akanishi-- Uuh. Yeah, I think you should go. It'd be good for you," he adds quietly. Tatsuya rolls his eyes.
"So I can get over you?"
"Exactly," he says quickly, that earlier cockiness back. Tatsuya smiles to himself. "I'm hard to get over."
"I broke up with you."
"Details."
---
Tatsuya knows exactly when he started falling for Nakamaru.
He's not yet twenty and neither is Nakamaru, his hair bleached and his eyes blue. His whole future lies ahead of him but it stares right back, mocking him with empty hopes and dreams because it's all planned out for him. He's going to be a lawyer to take after his father, and applying to Johnny's was just to occupy his mind for the time being. It was never meant to be permanent but as time goes by, Tatsuya finds himself clinging to those moments when he's flanked by Nakamaru and Koki; those moments when there's a microphone heavy in his hand and the lights are shining down upon him.
But his father isn't happy with that; his father is never happy with anything Tatsuya does. So Tatsuya sighs and gives in. It's a big university and he knows he doesn't fit in; the buildings tower above him in menacing arches, making him feel even smaller.
He studies for the entrance exams himself because he doesn't want to ask for help. He doesn't tell the other members because he feels like he's cheating on them - he feels like by going to university, he's trying to build a future for himself that rests far away from the entertainment world. Away from them.
Tatsuya passes the entrance exam, much to the delight of his parents - at least he thinks that's delight that paints their normally cold faces. That night, his parents give him a list of courses he should do; they've narrowed it down to about ten. He just has to put them in order of preference. They don't understand that he doesn't care.
But Nakamaru... Nakamaru is different. Nakamaru knows these things.
And so he finds himself lying on the old circular rug on Nakamaru's bedroom floor, Mister lying across his chest as Nakamaru reads the courses aloud.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Nakamaru asks once he's finished. He places the sheet down and sinks to the floor next to Tatsuya, watching his face.
"Nope."
Nakamaru looks thoughtful. "Then why are you doing it?"
"Have to."
"Parents?"
"Yep. Those."
Nakamaru looks a little torn. He bites his lip and wrings his hands in his oversized shirt before sighing.
"Now, I don't normally talk like this," he says, looking all too serious. Tatsuya leans up on his elbows, watching him carefully. "So pay attention." Tatsuya does. Nakamaru takes a deep breath. "Tell them that you don't want to take their shit anymore, then tell them to fuck off."
Tatsuya laughs so hard he dislodges Mister, who throws him a disgruntled look before pattering away again; Nakamaru watches with amused eyes, a tiny little smile playing about his lips.
"Tell them to fuck off?" he laughs. "Seriously? That's you're advice?"
"Yep," Nakamaru says simply.
"You want me to march back home, into my father's office, slam my hands on the table and tell him to fuck off?" Tatsuya asks, sitting up.
"Yes."
Tatsuya does.
And that's when he realises he's in love with Nakamaru.
---
He never truly loved Ryo.
Tatsuya had wanted to. He knew that deep down, he could easily fall in love with him. But no matter what, Tatsuya couldn't get Nakamaru out of his mind, and he knew it wasn't fair to Ryo. He knew Ryo loved him - Ryo still loved him - but he couldn't keep lying to him.
He had loved his few months with Ryo. Their relationship was something special, and it was something he had really enjoyed. But every kiss felt like a lie, every touch felt like he was trying too hard.
Ryo had smiled and said that it was okay to love Nakamaru.
"I have one request though," he had said, before Tatsuya turned to leave. "Be my best friend."
"That I can do."
---
"I'll go with you," Tatsuya says. It's a rainy day, and they've just finished dance practice; Nakamaru is wiping his neck with a handtowel - very distracting for Tatsuya - and giving him a confused expression.
"...Where?" he asks, flicking the sweaty hair out of his eyes.
"To the... lavendar things."
Nakamaru looks surprised, like he didn't even expect Tatsuya to say yes in the first place. "Oh. Cool. Okay then," he says awkwardly, and Tatsuya nods.
"Yep."
"Is this weekend okay?" he asks, and Tatsuya stares.
"That's... soon."
"Yeah." Nakamaru turns and pins him with a look. "We'll have to leave Friday morning. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Tatsuya says, throwing in a shrug to pretend like he's completely okay with this whole thing. "Yep. Should be fun. What should I bring?"
Nakamaru pauses to think, tossing his phone in his hands. "The usual, I guess. A change of clothes, an overnight bag, toiletries and--"
"Wait, wait, overnight bag?" Tatsuya asks, eyes wide. Nakamaru nods once, and continues counting on his fingers. Overnight. Right. Okay. He can do this. Maybe. Hopefully.
"It's in Hokkaido; it'd be best to make a weekend of it," Nakamaru shrugs.
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that makes... sense," Tatsuya laughs nervously. "Right."
He rings Ryo as soon as he gets home.
"Hello?"
"Ryo!"
"Oh."
"It's an overnight thing; I didn't know about this, how the hell am I--"
"Woah, woah! Calm down!" Ryo yelps. "Of course it was gonna be overnight. Isn't it in Hokkaido or something stupidly far away?"
"Yeah," Tatsuya whimpers.
"Then calm the fuck down and go pack your bag," Ryo says. "And leave me alone."
"Fine," Tatsuya snaps. "If only to shut you up."
"Good boy."
---
Tatsuya gets to Nakamaru's apartment at five thirty in the morning. He isn't entirely sure his eyes are open or not.
"Let me the fuck in," he hisses when Nakamaru opens the door. The couch smells like Nakamaru when he flops face-first onto it, and he snuggles closer to the nearest pillow. "I sleep now."
"No, you will not," Nakamaru laughs, and hits his feet. Tatsuya grunts.
"Fuck you."
Tatsuya isn't a morning person.
"I'll make us some lunch and then we can go," Nakamaru says. Or Tatsuya thinks that's what he said. So he just hums and hugs his cushion tighter.
"Nakamaru-food is the best," he says, closing his eyes. He hears Nakamaru laugh from the kitchen.
"I thought you liked Kame's food better."
"So I'm a food slut, persecute me."
Nakamaru laughs so loud that Choco wakes and sits up in alarm, ears pricked towards the kitchen. Tatsuya smiles in his half-asleep state. That sound is always the nicest.
They get going at around six. Nakamaru's sleek new car smells like leather and there's a little cat figurine on the dashboard, bobbing its head happily in time with the music. It's a little hypnotic, with the whir of the air conditioning and the hum of Nakamaru's deep voice as he sings along to the radio.
But he manages to not fall asleep, leaning against the window as the rest of Japan awakes around them. Nakamaru's hands are steady on the steering wheel as the sun rises, throwing thousands of shades of orange and pink across the sky. Nakamaru's face is bathed in a warm light and Tatsuya smiles, earning a raised eyebrow from the other.
"Stop that," Nakamaru says, and takes a hand off the wheel to push Tatsuya's face away, laughing. "You're creeping me out."
"I'm good like that."
It takes hours. Hours and hours and hours and hours. They barely stop at all, until Tatsuya gets hungry and tries to crawl to the back where Nakamaru has hidden their lunch. And then they sit by the side of the road, picking at dry sandwiches as they watch cars zoom past in the midday heat. Nakamaru's arm is pressed against his where they sit side by side, and it's all kinds of perfect. Tatsuya smiles into his sandwich. Nakamaru elbows him.
It's a long drive but Nakamaru refuses to give up the wheel. Tatsuya is kind of okay with that; Nakamaru's a good driver. Nice and safe. They buy dinner from a fast food place they drive past and eat in the car - Tatsuya passes Nakamaru his fries as he drives. They roll down the windows once they're done to get rid of the smell, and the roads are so quiet now that they've left the main city. The fresh air is nice, and Tatsuya sticks his head out of the window, breathing in deeply.
"Get back inside!" Nakamaru snaps, and Tatsuya can feel a hand tugging at his belt.
But Tatsuya only stretches his body further, as far as the seatbelt will let him. Nakamaru's hand is still at his belt, as if he thinks Tatsuya is going to just fall right out of the car. "I'm fine!" Tatsuya yells into the night. "I'm great!" And it feels great, to just scream into the night, when there are only lonely truck drivers speeding past and beeping their horns and Nakamaru's fingers resting on his back cautiously.
"You're insane," Nakamaru murmurs as Tatsuya climbs back into the car, hair in disarray and face flushed red from the wind. He just grins over at Nakamaru widely. Nakamaru rolls his eyes and sighs. "Why are you so weird?"
"Because."
His "trip" outside helps him to stay awake. He doesn't want to sleep whilst Nakamaru is driving, so he turns the volume up on the radio when one of Kanjani8's new songs comes on and sings ridiculously loudly and completely off-key. He likes making Nakamaru laugh and that's exactly what he's doing now, trying to pay attention to that ever-stretching road in front of him but sneaking glances at the idiot in the seat next to him.
They arrive at their hotel at about midday.
"One room or two?" the woman behind the desk drones. Tatsuya begins to wander but Nakamaru grabs onto his sleeve to keep him in place.
"One," Nakamaru answers, and Tatsuya snaps to attention.
"What?" he asks, heart thudding against his ribcage. "No. Two."
Nakamaru sighs. "We'll save money with just one--"
"I need my space," Tatsuya argues. Space away from you.
Nakamaru gives him a look. "If you're worried about the others making fun of you--"
"That's not it!"
"One or two?" the woman asks again, tapping her manicured nails on the desk. "I don't have all day."
Nakamaru turns to her with a withering look. "We'll take one room," he says, and holds a hand up when Tatsuya moves to say something. "But two beds."
She sighs and types rapidly on her computer, reaching under her desk to grab a key. "This is yours," she says, handing it to Nakamaru. "You're on the third floor."
"We'll have a nice day, thanks for asking," Nakamaru quips as they walk away. "I do hope you manage to find your manners the next time we meet," he adds; Tatsuya snorts and has to latch onto Nakamaru's arm for balance. Nakamaru has a tiny little self-satisfied smirk on his face and it's kinda hot, Tatsuya thinks.
Stop it. You managed to survive hours cooped up in a car with him, you can do this, too. Yes.
"You better not tell Koki about this," Tatsuya says as Nakamaru unlocks the door, marching into the small room and dumping his bags on his bed. He chooses the bed furthest away from the window because he knows Nakamaru likes looking outside before he sleeps.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Nakamaru laughs.
As Nakamaru steps out of the bathroom, towel low on his hips and hair still damp, Tatsuya knows that this weekend will be more difficult than he thought.
He should have pressed harder for the separate rooms.
---
"I can't do this."
"Who the fuck is this?"
"The pretty one."
"Oh, right. Carry on."
Tatsuya laughs and leans back, tipping his glass up and emptying it. "Aww, so you don't listen to everyone's problems? Just mine?"
Ryo makes a strange noise. "Just tell me what the problem is."
Tatsuya checks around the hotel bar, making sure Nakamaru is nowhere in sight. "He's driving me insane," he whines once the coast is clear.
"How so?"
"He walks around without a shirt on; he lounges on his bed all sexily but pretends like he's not... This was a stupid idea," Tatsuya says, pressing a hand to his forehead and sighing deeply. "A really stupid idea..."
Ryo is quiet for a while. "Babe," he says eventually, and Tatsuya calms. "Remember what you told me that night when I was panicking about that drama?"
"This is different--"
"Tell me what you said to me."
Tatsuya sighs. "I told you to take--"
"Take a deep breath and one step forward, because once you take that first step, there's no turning back," Ryo says softly. Tatsuya sighs again and runs a hand through his hair.
"But this step could change everything," Tatsuya whispers, and Ryo hums.
"Yeah, it could change for the better," he says, before clearing his throat. "I don't even know what you see in him, to be honest. All I see is a nose with lanky arms."
Tatsuya laughs. "Maybe I have a thing for big noses," he says, and hangs up before Ryo realises what he said. He gets three calls later and one text with a row of angry-faced emoticons, but he just laughs again.
---
Nakamaru's hair is fluffy and all over the place when they wake up the next morning, and it's the most adorable thing Tatsuya has ever seen.
"You okay there, Yuichi?" Tatsuya says, smiling widely. Nakamaru blinks at him.
"We-- Flowers today, yes?" he mumbles, ruffling his hair and blinking again. Tatsuya's stomach flips as he watches him, and he sighs.
"Yeah, flowers today."
Tatsuya takes his shower after Nakamaru does because according to Nakamaru, Tatsuya is a messy bastard who leaves his wet towels all over the floor of the bathroom. Tatsuya knows that's completely true, and makes sure to trail water through the bathroom too, just to make Nakamaru's life a little harder.
They have breakfast at a tiny little cafe down the road. It's small and petite and everything is tiny and adorable, including the woman serving them with her round face and rosy cheeks. Tatsuya checks to see if Nakamaru notices her and feels like he's won a small victory when he just flashes her a grin and hands her the menu once they've ordered.
It's funny, but Tatsuya wants all of Nakamaru's attention. All the time.
"Flowers now?" Nakamaru asks, once Tatsuya has finished his third piece of toast. Tatsuya kind of wants to eat more but he just can't deny that look on Nakamaru's face - he looks hopeful and wide-eyed, and Tatsuya hasn't seen that look in many, many years.
"Fine."
And boy, are there flowers.
Lines and lines and lines of beautiful purple lavender, all grown in neat rows one after the other for what looks like miles. They stand there on a tiny dirt road, looking out to the horizon, and all they can see is purple and more purple and even more purple, and it's all kinds of beautiful; Tatsuya finds that he can't look away.
And the smell is incredible; it hit them as soon as they climbed out of the car. That pure lavender scent, wafting in on the morning breeze, amplified by a thousand but yet still so delicate, and it's wonderful. The more Tatsuya breathes that scent in, the more he seems to relax. He didn't even realise he had been tense but it's so obvious now in the way his shoulders slump and his head becomes clear; ahead of him, Nakamaru is rolling his shoulders and giving him a sweet kind of smile and Tatsuya... Tatsuya doesn't have the strength to hide his stupid smile back.
They walk for hours, but it doesn't get boring. There's always a new patch of lavender to inspect, new people to meet, new insects to discover - Nakamaru doesn't like the bees one bit. They walk in silence mostly, each wrapped up in their own thoughts, but it's not hard to drift away when you're walking through a sea of lavender. It's a nice silence. A happy silence. The best kind of silence.
"I like that."
Tatsuya looks up, confused. Nakamaru's looking at him with this horribly soft look in his eyes that needs to go away right now or Tatsuya's going to fall for him even more.
Too late.
"What?" Tatsuya asks, and looks to the ground as they walk, watching his own shoes. Right, left, right, left, right.
"That song. I like it," Nakamaru says, and soon his shoes start walking in time with Tatsuya's. Nakamaru's wearing sneakers today, and they suit him, somehow. They're rather soft against the dirt road compared to Tatsuya's sandals, which scuff up the dirt and make tiny clouds rise up behind them. Tatsuya's sandals are battered and worn compared to Nakamaru's new shoes.
"What song?" Tatsuya murmurs, and he hears Nakamaru chuckle.
"The one you were humming."
"I was humming?"
"You always hum," is Nakamaru's answer.
"...Oh."
Nakamaru stops and Tatsuya assumes he's meant to stop too; they stand side-by-side, sneakers next to sandals, watching the rise and fall of the lavender in the wind. There's no-one else on their trail but there are people further down, all of them wandering as slowly as they can. There's no-where to be, no-where to go. There's just here and there, and the time between doesn't matter.
"You confuse me," Nakamaru says suddenly. Tatsuya stops dead.
"What?"
Nakamaru's fidgeting with his hands and looking out to the fields. Tatsuya doesn't know what to think. "You... You're not like the others," he says, and Tatsuya nods. He knows. "No, I mean-- Don't get that kicked puppy look," Nakamaru snaps, and Tatsuya raises an eyebrow.
"Wasn't."
Nakamaru flicks him in the forehead and laughs before looking confused again. "With the others, it's all black and white. They're there, and I'm here, and that's okay. But with you..." Nakamaru sighs and runs a hand through his hair. It sticks up strangely and Tatsuya wants to push it back down. "You're grey. You're not black or white, and you're never here nor there. But I--"
Tatsuya nods. "It's okay, I get it," he says, even though he feels like he's being crushed. He's a good liar. They always tell him that. Time to put it to good use.
"Stop that," Nakamaru says, and sighs. "You're ruining my... confession. Of sorts."
Tatsuya splutters. "C-Confession?" he stutters, but Nakamaru refuses to meet his eyes. He needs to see Nakamaru's eyes; has to know what's going on. "What's happening? What--"
"I kind of... You're not-- You're grey," he says eventually, and Tatsuya stares. His heart is beating a mile a minute and he can't breathe properly and Nakamaru is telling him he's grey.
"...Huh?"
"Yes," is all Nakamaru says, before clapping his hands and sighing. "I'm glad that's all done with. Nice talk."
And then he just walks off.
"What the fuck?"
By the time Tatsuya can piece his mind back together and calm down, Nakamaru is gone. Tatsuya sighs and sits down, resting his chin on his knees and sighing again. A confession? Really? What part of that was a confession? Calling him grey? Then he just wanders off without telling him anything, and everything is still so unclear...
He needs to find Nakamaru.
So he rings Ryo.
"No," Ryo says as he answers the phone. "Not today, thanks."
"Get me Massu."
"Get your own Massu," Ryo retorts. "Wait, what?"
"I need Massu's number."
"Why?"
"I need-- I lost Nakamaru, and I need to find him, and Massu can--"
"Massu isn't a dog, he can't find your lost boyfriend--"
"--not my boyfriend, but something's weird, and I need Massu--"
"--just call Nakamaru yourself, you don't need Massu--"
"--Nakamaru will tell Massu where he is; he probably won't talk to me--"
"--how did you lose him in the first place?"
"I'm grey!" Tatsuya shouts into the phone. Ryo goes quiet.
"You're old, but not that old--"
"He-- I think he tried to confess? But-- He ended up calling me grey and-- I don't know... I don't think he'd answer the phone if he saw it's me-- I just need--"
"You need Massu," Ryo says seriously. Tatsuya nods even though Ryo can't see him. "One Massu, coming right up."
Massu is all kinds of brilliant and tracks down Nakamaru. "He's brooding in the corner of one of the stores," he says, his voice as happy as ever. "Apparently there's a lot of purple."
There's a lot of purple everywhere but Tatsuya knows what Massu is talking about, quickly setting off back the way they had come. There had been a small store they had passed a while ago and that's where Tatsuya heads, quickly finding Nakamaru amongst the lavender-scented soaps.
"Hey," Tatsuya says nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just sent Massu to track him down. "What're you doing?"
Nakamaru doesn't look up, but grunts. "Looking at soap."
"Why?"
"You can never have enough soap."
"True."
Nakamaru furrows his eyebrows. "Do you think Kame will appreciate lavender soap?"
"Kame would appreciate anything you give him," Tatsuya says, and Nakamaru nods.
"I guess."
Nakamaru doesn't seem like he wants to talk, so Tatsuya lets it drop even though every single part of him is dying to know. He doesn't normally let himself hope like this, but he can't help it.
They buy enough soap for everyone. Tatsuya buys Ryo a souvenir keychain because he can, and because it makes him smile; he knows Ryo's going to hate it.
The drive back to the hotel is silent. Nakamaru leaves the radio on but Tatsuya likes listening to the way the car moves beneath him; likes hearing the easy glide of the steering wheel under Nakamaru's hands as he turns the corner. He likes the way Nakamaru sighs when they have to stop at red lights; he likes the way he taps against the dash board in time to the song on the radio.
He wants to talk to him but he can't; he wants to clear everything up but Nakamaru is closed to him, now. And he still doesn't know why.
They get to the hotel and Tatsuya is almost ready to snap. He needs to fucking know. But then Nakamaru runs a hand through his hair and punches the wall, and Tatsuya is kind of shocked into silence.
"What-- What the--" is all he can manage, staring at the sight of Nakamaru's hunched shoulders quivering slightly. There's a dent in the wall and he knows they're going to have to pay for that damage - he's been hanging around Nakamaru too long to be thinking about those kinds of things - but then he notices the blood clinging to the paint and he rushes to the bathroom. "What are you doing?" he asks softly. Nakamaru is holding his own hand with this strange look on his face, like he's lost and hurt and Tatsuya wants to kiss it all away.
He makes Nakamaru sit down, and slowly wipes a cool cloth over his knuckles. "You don't want to talk to me, right?" Nakamaru says, and Tatsuya stills.
"What?" He looks up, and Nakamaru is watching him. He still looks lost. His heart is beating so hard it hurts and his hands are shaking so badly that he needs to stop wiping Nakamaru's wounds. Nakamaru doesn't answer him so he goes back to the task at hand carefully. "Can I ask... Why the hell am I grey?"
"That's what you concentrate on here?" Nakamaru asks, and laughs. "Of course." And then the bastard goes to leave, and Tatsuya isn't having any of that.
"Sit back down!" he snaps. Nakamaru shakes his head.
"I need to take a walk."
"No, you need to tell me what's going on--"
Nakamaru whips around and his eyes are wild. "I-- You-- You're grey because I don't know where we stand. Everyone else is either a friend or a family member or a colleague or something, but you... I don't know where you stand. You're everywhere, and I need you to stop being everywhere, because it's really quite hard to concentrate when you're humming or when you're curled up upon yourself in my car, or when you're... just-- being you."
"You're in love with me."
The realisation hits him hard. Nakamaru looks so guilty that it breaks him apart; his heart skips a beat and he can't breathe again and everything is wrong and so right and the world is spinning, but it's then that Tatsuya decides to take a deep breath.
And step forward.
Nakamaru watches him with careful eyes as he steps closer. Tatsuya moves one hand to Nakamaru's face, tracing the lines of his jaw with his fingertips; Nakamaru's eyes flutter shut and he bites his lip. "You're not playing fair," he says, and Tatsuya chuckles.
"Since when have I played fair?"
Tatsuya kisses him first. It's new and slow, and all kinds of right, because Nakamaru is soft and gentle and his fingers are fluttering uncertainly on Tatsuya's cheek. Tatsuya pulls away and takes another deep breath, every part of him shaking and spinning and wanting.
Nakamaru leans down slowly, his hand moving to the back of Tatsuya's neck and drawing him closer again. His lips are shaking when they touch the corner of Tatsuya's mouth in the tiniest, most perfect kiss he has ever had, and Tatsuya smiles before moving to deepen the kiss once more.
Nakamaru smells like lavender, and it's wonderful.
"So I kind of love you too," Tatsuya says a while later, when they're lying on Nakamaru's bed side-by-side. Nakamaru is zipping and unzipping Tatsuya's thin jacket and it should be annoying but right now, nothing could be annoying. Nakamaru pauses and leans over to kiss Tatsuya's cheek; Tatsuya's heart skips a beat again. He doesn't know if he'll ever get used to that.
"Good."
"Is that why you wanted to come up here?" Tatsuya asks. Nakamaru continues to zip and unzip Tatsuya's jacket.
"Kind of," he says. "I wanted to get away from everything, but something told me that you had to come too."
"You're being very poetic this weekend," Tatsuya laughs, before leaning up to kiss Nakamaru. Because he can do that now. And that's exciting.
"Learned from the best," Nakamaru laughs, and pokes him. "That's you, by the way."
Tatsuya pushes him off the bed and onto the floor.
---
"Ryo."
"Tatsuya."
"You're a fucking idiot."
"You still love me though," Tatsuya laughs, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder as he makes lunch.
"What do you want this time?" Ryo sighs.
"Did you like the keyring I brought back for you?" he asks with a chuckle. There's a noise at the other end; it sounds like Ryo has picked his keys up.
"Hate it. It's all purple and shit."
"Yet you still put it on your keys."
"Fuck off."
"So, I heard you found someone?" Tatsuya says, and Ryo snorts.
"Possibly."
"As good as me?"
"Better. Doesn't have weird hair."
Tatsuya laughs but jumps as he feels hands around his waist. "Gotta go, someone just walked into my apartment and is trying to kidnap me."
"Okay. Have fun," Ryo says before hanging up.
"Are you mine now?" Nakamaru asks, and Tatsuya shivers before turning around in his hold.
"Always," he answers. Nakamaru kisses him - they're getting better at that, practice makes perfect and all that - and he sighs, wrapping his arms around Nakamaru's neck. Nakamaru kisses down Tatsuya's neck when he pulls away and oh, they haven't done that before. "Y-You-- I made lunch-- Don't you-- What--"
Nakamaru pulls away with a grin and grabs a sandwich. "I just like it when you go all speechless," he says cheekily, taking a bite.
Tatsuya punches him. "I hate you."
"No, you don't."
"...Yeah, whatever."
end.
PAIRING: Nakamaru Yuichi x Ueda Tatsuya (past Nishikido Ryo x Ueda Tatsuya)
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: Do not own.
GENRE: Fluff, romance
NOTES: Written for sashjun for fic_the_faith, originally posted here. I know this has been done before, but I realised that I haven't done my take on the story.
SUMMARY: They stand there on a tiny dirt road looking out to the horizon, and all they can see is purple and more purple and even more purple, and it's all kinds of beautiful; Tatsuya finds that he can't look away.
"Ryo."
"No, go away."
"Mean."
"You know it, bitch."
Tatsuya sighs and falls back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. "What're you doing?" he asks into the phone, watching a fly crawl across the roof.
"Being awesome," Ryo says nonchalantly. "What do you want?"
"Why do you assume I--"
"Because you're ringing me in the middle of the day, asking me what I'm doing," Ryo answers, and Tatsuya stills.
"So?"
"You don't do that unless you need to talk about your girl problems," Ryo finishes, and sighs. "I know you better than you think, Tatsuya."
"What, just because we dated for a few years you think you know me?" Tatsuya teases, but he knows that Ryo is right. He hates it when Ryo is right.
Ryo is always right.
"Yes."
"Fuck you," Tatsuya retorts.
Ryo laughs. "So, what is it?" he asks. There's a strange noise at the other end of the line and then Ryo laughs before coughing. "Sorry."
"What was that?"
"...I killed Yamapi," Ryo murmurs softly. "He was attacking me with his horde of zombies, I had to--"
"Back to me now," Tatsuya interrupts, rolling his eyes but smiling. "Stop playing games with Yamashita when you're talking to me!"
"No."
"So Nakamaru wants to go on a trip with me," Tatsuya says, and he laughs at the groan that Ryo gives him. "Did you die?"
"Maybe," is his answer. "Wait, you're leaving me all alone? Where are you going?"
"He wants to go up to Hokkaido to see the lavender fields--"
"Oh man, that is so gay," Ryo cackles, and Tatsuya glares at the ceiling.
"Shut up!" he retorts, but Ryo laughs louder instead.
"You are never going to live this down," Ryo laughs, snorting a little. Tatsuya grimaces.
"You're so charming."
"You know it."
"So, should I go?" Tatsuya asks, his fingers pulling at the edge of his shirt. There are more noises on Ryo's end - blasts and gun shots; Ryo grunts again - but Tatsuya just waits, wondering. "Ryo?"
"Yeah, I'm here," he mutters. "Stupid Akanishi-- Uuh. Yeah, I think you should go. It'd be good for you," he adds quietly. Tatsuya rolls his eyes.
"So I can get over you?"
"Exactly," he says quickly, that earlier cockiness back. Tatsuya smiles to himself. "I'm hard to get over."
"I broke up with you."
"Details."
---
Tatsuya knows exactly when he started falling for Nakamaru.
He's not yet twenty and neither is Nakamaru, his hair bleached and his eyes blue. His whole future lies ahead of him but it stares right back, mocking him with empty hopes and dreams because it's all planned out for him. He's going to be a lawyer to take after his father, and applying to Johnny's was just to occupy his mind for the time being. It was never meant to be permanent but as time goes by, Tatsuya finds himself clinging to those moments when he's flanked by Nakamaru and Koki; those moments when there's a microphone heavy in his hand and the lights are shining down upon him.
But his father isn't happy with that; his father is never happy with anything Tatsuya does. So Tatsuya sighs and gives in. It's a big university and he knows he doesn't fit in; the buildings tower above him in menacing arches, making him feel even smaller.
He studies for the entrance exams himself because he doesn't want to ask for help. He doesn't tell the other members because he feels like he's cheating on them - he feels like by going to university, he's trying to build a future for himself that rests far away from the entertainment world. Away from them.
Tatsuya passes the entrance exam, much to the delight of his parents - at least he thinks that's delight that paints their normally cold faces. That night, his parents give him a list of courses he should do; they've narrowed it down to about ten. He just has to put them in order of preference. They don't understand that he doesn't care.
But Nakamaru... Nakamaru is different. Nakamaru knows these things.
And so he finds himself lying on the old circular rug on Nakamaru's bedroom floor, Mister lying across his chest as Nakamaru reads the courses aloud.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Nakamaru asks once he's finished. He places the sheet down and sinks to the floor next to Tatsuya, watching his face.
"Nope."
Nakamaru looks thoughtful. "Then why are you doing it?"
"Have to."
"Parents?"
"Yep. Those."
Nakamaru looks a little torn. He bites his lip and wrings his hands in his oversized shirt before sighing.
"Now, I don't normally talk like this," he says, looking all too serious. Tatsuya leans up on his elbows, watching him carefully. "So pay attention." Tatsuya does. Nakamaru takes a deep breath. "Tell them that you don't want to take their shit anymore, then tell them to fuck off."
Tatsuya laughs so hard he dislodges Mister, who throws him a disgruntled look before pattering away again; Nakamaru watches with amused eyes, a tiny little smile playing about his lips.
"Tell them to fuck off?" he laughs. "Seriously? That's you're advice?"
"Yep," Nakamaru says simply.
"You want me to march back home, into my father's office, slam my hands on the table and tell him to fuck off?" Tatsuya asks, sitting up.
"Yes."
Tatsuya does.
And that's when he realises he's in love with Nakamaru.
---
He never truly loved Ryo.
Tatsuya had wanted to. He knew that deep down, he could easily fall in love with him. But no matter what, Tatsuya couldn't get Nakamaru out of his mind, and he knew it wasn't fair to Ryo. He knew Ryo loved him - Ryo still loved him - but he couldn't keep lying to him.
He had loved his few months with Ryo. Their relationship was something special, and it was something he had really enjoyed. But every kiss felt like a lie, every touch felt like he was trying too hard.
Ryo had smiled and said that it was okay to love Nakamaru.
"I have one request though," he had said, before Tatsuya turned to leave. "Be my best friend."
"That I can do."
---
"I'll go with you," Tatsuya says. It's a rainy day, and they've just finished dance practice; Nakamaru is wiping his neck with a handtowel - very distracting for Tatsuya - and giving him a confused expression.
"...Where?" he asks, flicking the sweaty hair out of his eyes.
"To the... lavendar things."
Nakamaru looks surprised, like he didn't even expect Tatsuya to say yes in the first place. "Oh. Cool. Okay then," he says awkwardly, and Tatsuya nods.
"Yep."
"Is this weekend okay?" he asks, and Tatsuya stares.
"That's... soon."
"Yeah." Nakamaru turns and pins him with a look. "We'll have to leave Friday morning. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Tatsuya says, throwing in a shrug to pretend like he's completely okay with this whole thing. "Yep. Should be fun. What should I bring?"
Nakamaru pauses to think, tossing his phone in his hands. "The usual, I guess. A change of clothes, an overnight bag, toiletries and--"
"Wait, wait, overnight bag?" Tatsuya asks, eyes wide. Nakamaru nods once, and continues counting on his fingers. Overnight. Right. Okay. He can do this. Maybe. Hopefully.
"It's in Hokkaido; it'd be best to make a weekend of it," Nakamaru shrugs.
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that makes... sense," Tatsuya laughs nervously. "Right."
He rings Ryo as soon as he gets home.
"Hello?"
"Ryo!"
"Oh."
"It's an overnight thing; I didn't know about this, how the hell am I--"
"Woah, woah! Calm down!" Ryo yelps. "Of course it was gonna be overnight. Isn't it in Hokkaido or something stupidly far away?"
"Yeah," Tatsuya whimpers.
"Then calm the fuck down and go pack your bag," Ryo says. "And leave me alone."
"Fine," Tatsuya snaps. "If only to shut you up."
"Good boy."
---
Tatsuya gets to Nakamaru's apartment at five thirty in the morning. He isn't entirely sure his eyes are open or not.
"Let me the fuck in," he hisses when Nakamaru opens the door. The couch smells like Nakamaru when he flops face-first onto it, and he snuggles closer to the nearest pillow. "I sleep now."
"No, you will not," Nakamaru laughs, and hits his feet. Tatsuya grunts.
"Fuck you."
Tatsuya isn't a morning person.
"I'll make us some lunch and then we can go," Nakamaru says. Or Tatsuya thinks that's what he said. So he just hums and hugs his cushion tighter.
"Nakamaru-food is the best," he says, closing his eyes. He hears Nakamaru laugh from the kitchen.
"I thought you liked Kame's food better."
"So I'm a food slut, persecute me."
Nakamaru laughs so loud that Choco wakes and sits up in alarm, ears pricked towards the kitchen. Tatsuya smiles in his half-asleep state. That sound is always the nicest.
They get going at around six. Nakamaru's sleek new car smells like leather and there's a little cat figurine on the dashboard, bobbing its head happily in time with the music. It's a little hypnotic, with the whir of the air conditioning and the hum of Nakamaru's deep voice as he sings along to the radio.
But he manages to not fall asleep, leaning against the window as the rest of Japan awakes around them. Nakamaru's hands are steady on the steering wheel as the sun rises, throwing thousands of shades of orange and pink across the sky. Nakamaru's face is bathed in a warm light and Tatsuya smiles, earning a raised eyebrow from the other.
"Stop that," Nakamaru says, and takes a hand off the wheel to push Tatsuya's face away, laughing. "You're creeping me out."
"I'm good like that."
It takes hours. Hours and hours and hours and hours. They barely stop at all, until Tatsuya gets hungry and tries to crawl to the back where Nakamaru has hidden their lunch. And then they sit by the side of the road, picking at dry sandwiches as they watch cars zoom past in the midday heat. Nakamaru's arm is pressed against his where they sit side by side, and it's all kinds of perfect. Tatsuya smiles into his sandwich. Nakamaru elbows him.
It's a long drive but Nakamaru refuses to give up the wheel. Tatsuya is kind of okay with that; Nakamaru's a good driver. Nice and safe. They buy dinner from a fast food place they drive past and eat in the car - Tatsuya passes Nakamaru his fries as he drives. They roll down the windows once they're done to get rid of the smell, and the roads are so quiet now that they've left the main city. The fresh air is nice, and Tatsuya sticks his head out of the window, breathing in deeply.
"Get back inside!" Nakamaru snaps, and Tatsuya can feel a hand tugging at his belt.
But Tatsuya only stretches his body further, as far as the seatbelt will let him. Nakamaru's hand is still at his belt, as if he thinks Tatsuya is going to just fall right out of the car. "I'm fine!" Tatsuya yells into the night. "I'm great!" And it feels great, to just scream into the night, when there are only lonely truck drivers speeding past and beeping their horns and Nakamaru's fingers resting on his back cautiously.
"You're insane," Nakamaru murmurs as Tatsuya climbs back into the car, hair in disarray and face flushed red from the wind. He just grins over at Nakamaru widely. Nakamaru rolls his eyes and sighs. "Why are you so weird?"
"Because."
His "trip" outside helps him to stay awake. He doesn't want to sleep whilst Nakamaru is driving, so he turns the volume up on the radio when one of Kanjani8's new songs comes on and sings ridiculously loudly and completely off-key. He likes making Nakamaru laugh and that's exactly what he's doing now, trying to pay attention to that ever-stretching road in front of him but sneaking glances at the idiot in the seat next to him.
They arrive at their hotel at about midday.
"One room or two?" the woman behind the desk drones. Tatsuya begins to wander but Nakamaru grabs onto his sleeve to keep him in place.
"One," Nakamaru answers, and Tatsuya snaps to attention.
"What?" he asks, heart thudding against his ribcage. "No. Two."
Nakamaru sighs. "We'll save money with just one--"
"I need my space," Tatsuya argues. Space away from you.
Nakamaru gives him a look. "If you're worried about the others making fun of you--"
"That's not it!"
"One or two?" the woman asks again, tapping her manicured nails on the desk. "I don't have all day."
Nakamaru turns to her with a withering look. "We'll take one room," he says, and holds a hand up when Tatsuya moves to say something. "But two beds."
She sighs and types rapidly on her computer, reaching under her desk to grab a key. "This is yours," she says, handing it to Nakamaru. "You're on the third floor."
"We'll have a nice day, thanks for asking," Nakamaru quips as they walk away. "I do hope you manage to find your manners the next time we meet," he adds; Tatsuya snorts and has to latch onto Nakamaru's arm for balance. Nakamaru has a tiny little self-satisfied smirk on his face and it's kinda hot, Tatsuya thinks.
Stop it. You managed to survive hours cooped up in a car with him, you can do this, too. Yes.
"You better not tell Koki about this," Tatsuya says as Nakamaru unlocks the door, marching into the small room and dumping his bags on his bed. He chooses the bed furthest away from the window because he knows Nakamaru likes looking outside before he sleeps.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Nakamaru laughs.
As Nakamaru steps out of the bathroom, towel low on his hips and hair still damp, Tatsuya knows that this weekend will be more difficult than he thought.
He should have pressed harder for the separate rooms.
---
"I can't do this."
"Who the fuck is this?"
"The pretty one."
"Oh, right. Carry on."
Tatsuya laughs and leans back, tipping his glass up and emptying it. "Aww, so you don't listen to everyone's problems? Just mine?"
Ryo makes a strange noise. "Just tell me what the problem is."
Tatsuya checks around the hotel bar, making sure Nakamaru is nowhere in sight. "He's driving me insane," he whines once the coast is clear.
"How so?"
"He walks around without a shirt on; he lounges on his bed all sexily but pretends like he's not... This was a stupid idea," Tatsuya says, pressing a hand to his forehead and sighing deeply. "A really stupid idea..."
Ryo is quiet for a while. "Babe," he says eventually, and Tatsuya calms. "Remember what you told me that night when I was panicking about that drama?"
"This is different--"
"Tell me what you said to me."
Tatsuya sighs. "I told you to take--"
"Take a deep breath and one step forward, because once you take that first step, there's no turning back," Ryo says softly. Tatsuya sighs again and runs a hand through his hair.
"But this step could change everything," Tatsuya whispers, and Ryo hums.
"Yeah, it could change for the better," he says, before clearing his throat. "I don't even know what you see in him, to be honest. All I see is a nose with lanky arms."
Tatsuya laughs. "Maybe I have a thing for big noses," he says, and hangs up before Ryo realises what he said. He gets three calls later and one text with a row of angry-faced emoticons, but he just laughs again.
---
Nakamaru's hair is fluffy and all over the place when they wake up the next morning, and it's the most adorable thing Tatsuya has ever seen.
"You okay there, Yuichi?" Tatsuya says, smiling widely. Nakamaru blinks at him.
"We-- Flowers today, yes?" he mumbles, ruffling his hair and blinking again. Tatsuya's stomach flips as he watches him, and he sighs.
"Yeah, flowers today."
Tatsuya takes his shower after Nakamaru does because according to Nakamaru, Tatsuya is a messy bastard who leaves his wet towels all over the floor of the bathroom. Tatsuya knows that's completely true, and makes sure to trail water through the bathroom too, just to make Nakamaru's life a little harder.
They have breakfast at a tiny little cafe down the road. It's small and petite and everything is tiny and adorable, including the woman serving them with her round face and rosy cheeks. Tatsuya checks to see if Nakamaru notices her and feels like he's won a small victory when he just flashes her a grin and hands her the menu once they've ordered.
It's funny, but Tatsuya wants all of Nakamaru's attention. All the time.
"Flowers now?" Nakamaru asks, once Tatsuya has finished his third piece of toast. Tatsuya kind of wants to eat more but he just can't deny that look on Nakamaru's face - he looks hopeful and wide-eyed, and Tatsuya hasn't seen that look in many, many years.
"Fine."
And boy, are there flowers.
Lines and lines and lines of beautiful purple lavender, all grown in neat rows one after the other for what looks like miles. They stand there on a tiny dirt road, looking out to the horizon, and all they can see is purple and more purple and even more purple, and it's all kinds of beautiful; Tatsuya finds that he can't look away.
And the smell is incredible; it hit them as soon as they climbed out of the car. That pure lavender scent, wafting in on the morning breeze, amplified by a thousand but yet still so delicate, and it's wonderful. The more Tatsuya breathes that scent in, the more he seems to relax. He didn't even realise he had been tense but it's so obvious now in the way his shoulders slump and his head becomes clear; ahead of him, Nakamaru is rolling his shoulders and giving him a sweet kind of smile and Tatsuya... Tatsuya doesn't have the strength to hide his stupid smile back.
They walk for hours, but it doesn't get boring. There's always a new patch of lavender to inspect, new people to meet, new insects to discover - Nakamaru doesn't like the bees one bit. They walk in silence mostly, each wrapped up in their own thoughts, but it's not hard to drift away when you're walking through a sea of lavender. It's a nice silence. A happy silence. The best kind of silence.
"I like that."
Tatsuya looks up, confused. Nakamaru's looking at him with this horribly soft look in his eyes that needs to go away right now or Tatsuya's going to fall for him even more.
Too late.
"What?" Tatsuya asks, and looks to the ground as they walk, watching his own shoes. Right, left, right, left, right.
"That song. I like it," Nakamaru says, and soon his shoes start walking in time with Tatsuya's. Nakamaru's wearing sneakers today, and they suit him, somehow. They're rather soft against the dirt road compared to Tatsuya's sandals, which scuff up the dirt and make tiny clouds rise up behind them. Tatsuya's sandals are battered and worn compared to Nakamaru's new shoes.
"What song?" Tatsuya murmurs, and he hears Nakamaru chuckle.
"The one you were humming."
"I was humming?"
"You always hum," is Nakamaru's answer.
"...Oh."
Nakamaru stops and Tatsuya assumes he's meant to stop too; they stand side-by-side, sneakers next to sandals, watching the rise and fall of the lavender in the wind. There's no-one else on their trail but there are people further down, all of them wandering as slowly as they can. There's no-where to be, no-where to go. There's just here and there, and the time between doesn't matter.
"You confuse me," Nakamaru says suddenly. Tatsuya stops dead.
"What?"
Nakamaru's fidgeting with his hands and looking out to the fields. Tatsuya doesn't know what to think. "You... You're not like the others," he says, and Tatsuya nods. He knows. "No, I mean-- Don't get that kicked puppy look," Nakamaru snaps, and Tatsuya raises an eyebrow.
"Wasn't."
Nakamaru flicks him in the forehead and laughs before looking confused again. "With the others, it's all black and white. They're there, and I'm here, and that's okay. But with you..." Nakamaru sighs and runs a hand through his hair. It sticks up strangely and Tatsuya wants to push it back down. "You're grey. You're not black or white, and you're never here nor there. But I--"
Tatsuya nods. "It's okay, I get it," he says, even though he feels like he's being crushed. He's a good liar. They always tell him that. Time to put it to good use.
"Stop that," Nakamaru says, and sighs. "You're ruining my... confession. Of sorts."
Tatsuya splutters. "C-Confession?" he stutters, but Nakamaru refuses to meet his eyes. He needs to see Nakamaru's eyes; has to know what's going on. "What's happening? What--"
"I kind of... You're not-- You're grey," he says eventually, and Tatsuya stares. His heart is beating a mile a minute and he can't breathe properly and Nakamaru is telling him he's grey.
"...Huh?"
"Yes," is all Nakamaru says, before clapping his hands and sighing. "I'm glad that's all done with. Nice talk."
And then he just walks off.
"What the fuck?"
By the time Tatsuya can piece his mind back together and calm down, Nakamaru is gone. Tatsuya sighs and sits down, resting his chin on his knees and sighing again. A confession? Really? What part of that was a confession? Calling him grey? Then he just wanders off without telling him anything, and everything is still so unclear...
He needs to find Nakamaru.
So he rings Ryo.
"No," Ryo says as he answers the phone. "Not today, thanks."
"Get me Massu."
"Get your own Massu," Ryo retorts. "Wait, what?"
"I need Massu's number."
"Why?"
"I need-- I lost Nakamaru, and I need to find him, and Massu can--"
"Massu isn't a dog, he can't find your lost boyfriend--"
"--not my boyfriend, but something's weird, and I need Massu--"
"--just call Nakamaru yourself, you don't need Massu--"
"--Nakamaru will tell Massu where he is; he probably won't talk to me--"
"--how did you lose him in the first place?"
"I'm grey!" Tatsuya shouts into the phone. Ryo goes quiet.
"You're old, but not that old--"
"He-- I think he tried to confess? But-- He ended up calling me grey and-- I don't know... I don't think he'd answer the phone if he saw it's me-- I just need--"
"You need Massu," Ryo says seriously. Tatsuya nods even though Ryo can't see him. "One Massu, coming right up."
Massu is all kinds of brilliant and tracks down Nakamaru. "He's brooding in the corner of one of the stores," he says, his voice as happy as ever. "Apparently there's a lot of purple."
There's a lot of purple everywhere but Tatsuya knows what Massu is talking about, quickly setting off back the way they had come. There had been a small store they had passed a while ago and that's where Tatsuya heads, quickly finding Nakamaru amongst the lavender-scented soaps.
"Hey," Tatsuya says nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just sent Massu to track him down. "What're you doing?"
Nakamaru doesn't look up, but grunts. "Looking at soap."
"Why?"
"You can never have enough soap."
"True."
Nakamaru furrows his eyebrows. "Do you think Kame will appreciate lavender soap?"
"Kame would appreciate anything you give him," Tatsuya says, and Nakamaru nods.
"I guess."
Nakamaru doesn't seem like he wants to talk, so Tatsuya lets it drop even though every single part of him is dying to know. He doesn't normally let himself hope like this, but he can't help it.
They buy enough soap for everyone. Tatsuya buys Ryo a souvenir keychain because he can, and because it makes him smile; he knows Ryo's going to hate it.
The drive back to the hotel is silent. Nakamaru leaves the radio on but Tatsuya likes listening to the way the car moves beneath him; likes hearing the easy glide of the steering wheel under Nakamaru's hands as he turns the corner. He likes the way Nakamaru sighs when they have to stop at red lights; he likes the way he taps against the dash board in time to the song on the radio.
He wants to talk to him but he can't; he wants to clear everything up but Nakamaru is closed to him, now. And he still doesn't know why.
They get to the hotel and Tatsuya is almost ready to snap. He needs to fucking know. But then Nakamaru runs a hand through his hair and punches the wall, and Tatsuya is kind of shocked into silence.
"What-- What the--" is all he can manage, staring at the sight of Nakamaru's hunched shoulders quivering slightly. There's a dent in the wall and he knows they're going to have to pay for that damage - he's been hanging around Nakamaru too long to be thinking about those kinds of things - but then he notices the blood clinging to the paint and he rushes to the bathroom. "What are you doing?" he asks softly. Nakamaru is holding his own hand with this strange look on his face, like he's lost and hurt and Tatsuya wants to kiss it all away.
He makes Nakamaru sit down, and slowly wipes a cool cloth over his knuckles. "You don't want to talk to me, right?" Nakamaru says, and Tatsuya stills.
"What?" He looks up, and Nakamaru is watching him. He still looks lost. His heart is beating so hard it hurts and his hands are shaking so badly that he needs to stop wiping Nakamaru's wounds. Nakamaru doesn't answer him so he goes back to the task at hand carefully. "Can I ask... Why the hell am I grey?"
"That's what you concentrate on here?" Nakamaru asks, and laughs. "Of course." And then the bastard goes to leave, and Tatsuya isn't having any of that.
"Sit back down!" he snaps. Nakamaru shakes his head.
"I need to take a walk."
"No, you need to tell me what's going on--"
Nakamaru whips around and his eyes are wild. "I-- You-- You're grey because I don't know where we stand. Everyone else is either a friend or a family member or a colleague or something, but you... I don't know where you stand. You're everywhere, and I need you to stop being everywhere, because it's really quite hard to concentrate when you're humming or when you're curled up upon yourself in my car, or when you're... just-- being you."
"You're in love with me."
The realisation hits him hard. Nakamaru looks so guilty that it breaks him apart; his heart skips a beat and he can't breathe again and everything is wrong and so right and the world is spinning, but it's then that Tatsuya decides to take a deep breath.
And step forward.
Nakamaru watches him with careful eyes as he steps closer. Tatsuya moves one hand to Nakamaru's face, tracing the lines of his jaw with his fingertips; Nakamaru's eyes flutter shut and he bites his lip. "You're not playing fair," he says, and Tatsuya chuckles.
"Since when have I played fair?"
Tatsuya kisses him first. It's new and slow, and all kinds of right, because Nakamaru is soft and gentle and his fingers are fluttering uncertainly on Tatsuya's cheek. Tatsuya pulls away and takes another deep breath, every part of him shaking and spinning and wanting.
Nakamaru leans down slowly, his hand moving to the back of Tatsuya's neck and drawing him closer again. His lips are shaking when they touch the corner of Tatsuya's mouth in the tiniest, most perfect kiss he has ever had, and Tatsuya smiles before moving to deepen the kiss once more.
Nakamaru smells like lavender, and it's wonderful.
"So I kind of love you too," Tatsuya says a while later, when they're lying on Nakamaru's bed side-by-side. Nakamaru is zipping and unzipping Tatsuya's thin jacket and it should be annoying but right now, nothing could be annoying. Nakamaru pauses and leans over to kiss Tatsuya's cheek; Tatsuya's heart skips a beat again. He doesn't know if he'll ever get used to that.
"Good."
"Is that why you wanted to come up here?" Tatsuya asks. Nakamaru continues to zip and unzip Tatsuya's jacket.
"Kind of," he says. "I wanted to get away from everything, but something told me that you had to come too."
"You're being very poetic this weekend," Tatsuya laughs, before leaning up to kiss Nakamaru. Because he can do that now. And that's exciting.
"Learned from the best," Nakamaru laughs, and pokes him. "That's you, by the way."
Tatsuya pushes him off the bed and onto the floor.
---
"Ryo."
"Tatsuya."
"You're a fucking idiot."
"You still love me though," Tatsuya laughs, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder as he makes lunch.
"What do you want this time?" Ryo sighs.
"Did you like the keyring I brought back for you?" he asks with a chuckle. There's a noise at the other end; it sounds like Ryo has picked his keys up.
"Hate it. It's all purple and shit."
"Yet you still put it on your keys."
"Fuck off."
"So, I heard you found someone?" Tatsuya says, and Ryo snorts.
"Possibly."
"As good as me?"
"Better. Doesn't have weird hair."
Tatsuya laughs but jumps as he feels hands around his waist. "Gotta go, someone just walked into my apartment and is trying to kidnap me."
"Okay. Have fun," Ryo says before hanging up.
"Are you mine now?" Nakamaru asks, and Tatsuya shivers before turning around in his hold.
"Always," he answers. Nakamaru kisses him - they're getting better at that, practice makes perfect and all that - and he sighs, wrapping his arms around Nakamaru's neck. Nakamaru kisses down Tatsuya's neck when he pulls away and oh, they haven't done that before. "Y-You-- I made lunch-- Don't you-- What--"
Nakamaru pulls away with a grin and grabs a sandwich. "I just like it when you go all speechless," he says cheekily, taking a bite.
Tatsuya punches him. "I hate you."
"No, you don't."
"...Yeah, whatever."
end.