Fuck me right?
I just read over my journal entries of the past three years. I feel like I have learned a lot during this time but do not feel I have made all of the progress that I have wanted to. I definitely have done what I wanted to school-wise, however I feel that I have wasted a lot of time on the wrong chicks/been so upset over such relationships that I always had a negative outlook towards meeting new females. Additionally I was always worried about upsetting someone because they formerly went out with someone, when said person probably would not do the same for me.
I have realized that my thoughts concerning my future, post-UCSB life have changed very little. And what I know is that I have not made up my mind. I dislike how everything is a trade off. I wish I could take my life at a given point and live it out in all the ways I was considering at the time. This is real life though and everyone has a limited time in the the flesh and blood. I am 21 going on 22. I feel old. I feel naive in a lot of senses. I haven't had a serious relationship and my own mother was already married at this age. I feel like I am behind in that regard. I find myself feeling older and older and certain events. Going to a skate demo, or a house party, I just feel like before I know it, I am going to be that awkward old guy at whatever function I attend. I don't know.
Going home at times seems like it would be boring, but at the same time I love hanging with the homies. Sometimes I feel like I need to go somewhere new, be my own man, make all of my own decisions and take control of my own destiny. Being a natural chiller, I pretty much go with the flow at all times. I feel like my friends make those kinds of decisions for me and for some reason I feel like a weaker person because of it. I feel like I am so behind with dating girls because I pretty much never did it as a kid. Many of my friends were going to the movies constantly with girls dating back to middle school. When the hell was that? 8, 9 years ago. Me, not so often. I feel like I don't know even what to do with females because I never do it regularly. In high school I spent all of my time skating. Literally. I filmed, edited and all of that good stuff. There was not a girl in sight. Anyways, I am getting really tired at this point. Good night LJ.
I have realized that my thoughts concerning my future, post-UCSB life have changed very little. And what I know is that I have not made up my mind. I dislike how everything is a trade off. I wish I could take my life at a given point and live it out in all the ways I was considering at the time. This is real life though and everyone has a limited time in the the flesh and blood. I am 21 going on 22. I feel old. I feel naive in a lot of senses. I haven't had a serious relationship and my own mother was already married at this age. I feel like I am behind in that regard. I find myself feeling older and older and certain events. Going to a skate demo, or a house party, I just feel like before I know it, I am going to be that awkward old guy at whatever function I attend. I don't know.
Going home at times seems like it would be boring, but at the same time I love hanging with the homies. Sometimes I feel like I need to go somewhere new, be my own man, make all of my own decisions and take control of my own destiny. Being a natural chiller, I pretty much go with the flow at all times. I feel like my friends make those kinds of decisions for me and for some reason I feel like a weaker person because of it. I feel like I am so behind with dating girls because I pretty much never did it as a kid. Many of my friends were going to the movies constantly with girls dating back to middle school. When the hell was that? 8, 9 years ago. Me, not so often. I feel like I don't know even what to do with females because I never do it regularly. In high school I spent all of my time skating. Literally. I filmed, edited and all of that good stuff. There was not a girl in sight. Anyways, I am getting really tired at this point. Good night LJ.