(no subject)
I don't feel good at all.
In fact i just feel horrible all the time. I'm so fucking depressed. There's nothing i want to do, and if i do something i enjoy i'm worried i'll 'contaminate' it with how bad i feel.
Simon and I have totally split up this evening. He left in tears 5 hours ago and haven't seen him since. How can something which you know is the right thing to do just feel so painful and wrong? I'm in a numb haze of pain and am just not understanding why it (well, i) went wrong.
I just want it all to stop, just the pain to just go away. For the constant tension within myself to ease, for my mind to stop buzzing hazily, the headache that's been nagging at me for days to slip away. I want to slip away, just cease to exist, just dissapear, not leave any mark, be forgotten, not even a passing ghost in someones memory. I want to sleep - all night, all day, no waking and staring at the ceiling for hours, giving up and then trying to read on the sofa downstairs with my eyes sore. I want to eat too - to eat a whole satiating meal without feeling like i'm choking on a lump in my throat each time i swallow and feeling sick with the wrongness of everything - i want to feel well, not dizzy and weak and achey. Everything's just wrong, wrong, wrong, things were not meant to be like this.