(no subject)
Suicidal thoughts and feelings are back and slowly gaining momentum. I'm depressed today. I was depressed yesterday.
I'm stuck on hold, my entire life and future hanging on my ESA application. I think it was 12 days ago that i sent the form in, and i don't know how much longer to wait until i phone them up and nag them (because if there's anything wrong or missing they won't bother contacting me). I feel suffocated by this town. Everywhere i go and everything i do i've done possibly hundreds of times before in the past 10 years, and each time in various states of misery or even despair. Memories of various hideous mental states hang like cobwebs everywhere i go. And even when i occasionally stumble across a happy memory i'm sad that that person is gone, that time is over, and i can't get it back.
If by some miracle the ESA application goes through and money lands in my account - what then? What if i can't find somewhere to live in Lincoln? And what about in 13 weeks when i have the medical assessment part of the ESA and i fall into the 90% of applicants who are pushed into work JSA-style? I'd have to do the whole appeal process, possibly getting skint in the meantime. Or i'd just have to go with it and apply for jobs, maybe get jobs, and then inevitably get sacked from jobs (cos no-one wants to employ someone who's got no/little experience, no useful qualifications, who's a dopey hypersomniac from her cocktail of strong psychoactive meds, who has the social skills of a flea, and will burst into tears and break down at the slightest provokation. Gotta be realistic here). The whole thing will trample all over what self-worth i've kept intact.
And who says everything's going to be fine and dandy if i go back to Lincoln anyway? I'll be lonely there just like i'm lonely here. There's Simon, and i say that being 40 miles from him instead of 140 is a plus-point. And there's friends... but really they're not good friends. The one good friend who liked me for me and who kept me attached to the social group is gone now, the dynamics will have changed. The others are nice to me but they rarely invite me places, and it's always me doing the work in my relationships with them, and that just sends the message to me that i'm unliked and unwanted. I know this is somewhat hypocritical because i'm TERRIBLE at setting up things with most of my friends because i automatically assume that just because i hate my own company everyone else does too, and it's something i need to work on. And i guess i'll be back under my treatment team(s), oh whoop-de-fucking-do, fat lot of use they are most of the time anyway.
And there's so many 'don't knows'. When i'm going back to Lincoln, where i'll live, who with, how i'll spend my time, will i be able to work at all, etc. I haven't got much in the way of a future planned, apart from get the hell back to Lincoln asap. It feels odd because usually i have something in the future - something to work towards - like going to uni or college or achieving a qualification. At the moment my future feels a bit out of my control, because what i need to do to achieve it isn't solid and defined.
So pretty much, to summarise, i'm not seeing much light on the horizon. I'm looking back at what i just wrote with my CBT-eye, and i know i'm verging towards outright negativity, but i'm not far from realism either. The ESA application and my return to Lincoln might be smooth, and i might be in the lucky 10% who don't get forced into work. I might find that my old 'friends' welcome me back and i become wonderfully sociable. I may make new friends. But i can't help but feel frightened and lost.
I'm stuck on hold, my entire life and future hanging on my ESA application. I think it was 12 days ago that i sent the form in, and i don't know how much longer to wait until i phone them up and nag them (because if there's anything wrong or missing they won't bother contacting me). I feel suffocated by this town. Everywhere i go and everything i do i've done possibly hundreds of times before in the past 10 years, and each time in various states of misery or even despair. Memories of various hideous mental states hang like cobwebs everywhere i go. And even when i occasionally stumble across a happy memory i'm sad that that person is gone, that time is over, and i can't get it back.
If by some miracle the ESA application goes through and money lands in my account - what then? What if i can't find somewhere to live in Lincoln? And what about in 13 weeks when i have the medical assessment part of the ESA and i fall into the 90% of applicants who are pushed into work JSA-style? I'd have to do the whole appeal process, possibly getting skint in the meantime. Or i'd just have to go with it and apply for jobs, maybe get jobs, and then inevitably get sacked from jobs (cos no-one wants to employ someone who's got no/little experience, no useful qualifications, who's a dopey hypersomniac from her cocktail of strong psychoactive meds, who has the social skills of a flea, and will burst into tears and break down at the slightest provokation. Gotta be realistic here). The whole thing will trample all over what self-worth i've kept intact.
And who says everything's going to be fine and dandy if i go back to Lincoln anyway? I'll be lonely there just like i'm lonely here. There's Simon, and i say that being 40 miles from him instead of 140 is a plus-point. And there's friends... but really they're not good friends. The one good friend who liked me for me and who kept me attached to the social group is gone now, the dynamics will have changed. The others are nice to me but they rarely invite me places, and it's always me doing the work in my relationships with them, and that just sends the message to me that i'm unliked and unwanted. I know this is somewhat hypocritical because i'm TERRIBLE at setting up things with most of my friends because i automatically assume that just because i hate my own company everyone else does too, and it's something i need to work on. And i guess i'll be back under my treatment team(s), oh whoop-de-fucking-do, fat lot of use they are most of the time anyway.
And there's so many 'don't knows'. When i'm going back to Lincoln, where i'll live, who with, how i'll spend my time, will i be able to work at all, etc. I haven't got much in the way of a future planned, apart from get the hell back to Lincoln asap. It feels odd because usually i have something in the future - something to work towards - like going to uni or college or achieving a qualification. At the moment my future feels a bit out of my control, because what i need to do to achieve it isn't solid and defined.
So pretty much, to summarise, i'm not seeing much light on the horizon. I'm looking back at what i just wrote with my CBT-eye, and i know i'm verging towards outright negativity, but i'm not far from realism either. The ESA application and my return to Lincoln might be smooth, and i might be in the lucky 10% who don't get forced into work. I might find that my old 'friends' welcome me back and i become wonderfully sociable. I may make new friends. But i can't help but feel frightened and lost.