(no subject)
Last Friday was one of the most trying days I have been through this year, and it only got worse from there. At one point in the lecture and tutorial on Friday, the lecturer asked if I wanted to take over the role of production manager. I had to really vehemently say that this is the last thing I want to do, for a number of reasons. And then during a lunch break I told him flat out that I was very seriously thinking of dropping out on that day. Friday was the last day that I could leave the subject without incurring what the university terms an academic penalty. Now, I really wanted to get both lecturers' opinions on whether I should continue in this course at all, or even bother trying to get out of this one and go to another. But he just had to get the classmates in and ask them things that he thought might pertain to why I am basically not wanting a bar of it anymore. Feeling put on the spot like that, I just really wanted to leave the place and not return. I know I was originally committed to finishing this project and getting the best results possible, but I am really seriously hating the whole thing, and I feel somewhat superfluous anyway.
Now, for those who have been keeping score, the class I am in still consists of the same six people, and they have set another week with more than thirty-three percent attendance. Only one was absent last Friday, and there is probably a good reason for it. I do not know what the woman I have been rabbiting on about here for the last couple of months will think if she catches a glimpse of any of these writings, but yes, she was there, too. And I got to talk with her a bit once the class died down, although I still wish it had been under better circumstances. There is nothing particularly comfortable about having it blurted out for you that you are ready to give up and go crawl back into a hole. But this is somewhat beside the point. What I am trying to work my way into saying is that we started to conference on an instant messenger through the preceding weeks in order to try and get the script hammered out. This has proven highly beneficial, in that the script is now in a very solid state even if it is not quite what I would put on paper and we are finally getting towards scheduling shooting. Fingers crossed, we might even have a finished film at the end of next month!
And that is really the most driving reason behind what I am doing lately. If my entire week was merely spent cooperating with this person towards mutal or even exclusive goals, then I would be perfectly happy. No, scratch that. I would never wish for anything again. Unfortunately, real life, my rotten circumstances, and the people who make both unbearable are always intruding. I think Danny Glover's line in Predator 2 about his boss cutting off his dick and shoving it up his butt really sums it all up for me. And really has done since I was about thirteen years old, truth be told. If I did not have the diabetes weighing me down, I would likely toss in the university stuff right now and go find something more antisocial to do, such as steal cars for chop shops. You know your life is pretty meaningless when you start asking yourself why you cannot end up in the employ of the kinds of mob bosses or other general bastards you see depicted in film. I certainly know I am wondering how the fukk I got it into my head that I wanted to make any kind of film for any kind of reason. In spite of the severe motivation the Moron Brigade are giving me.
So, in summary, I have through too many steps to count gotten in touch with a social service that at least talks about getting people back in touch with their communities (even though this is not really my community at all), so there is a sort of prayer that this might turn out well. Then there is the usual feeling of smashing one's head against the wall at university. And of course, the ever-present fear that my body will go belly-up on me as I try to work out all the other pieces of these other puzzles. Not helping matters any is that I seriously cannot communicate with the medical professionals that are in my local area. They are nice people and seem vaguely okay at points, but their ability to communicate effectively with me is practically non-existent. And the need for specialised attention to figure out exactly what the hell is causing my brain to overdrive and burn out its relatively fragile fuel supply is very difficult to get across even to the most understanding people. It is not helping in the slightest when people listen to me describe how I felt faint for the best part of a month and felt like I was going to fall over when bending down to sign a prescription form, then ask me if I have eaten. As if a whopping feast is going to do anything about a feeling of loose dizziness that has been persisting for an entire month. Jesus.
Edit, Monday September 21, 0006 hours: After a discussion with the esteemed lady I keep mentioning here in which music video URLs were exchanged a bit, I went looking on YouTube for something that represents the craziness I am seeing in my situation. The YouTube director known as tkan should be knighted. He makes better music videos than just about anyone in the history of photography, period.
Anyway, that is pretty much everything I can think to say for this week. It took a while because I am losing my motivation in everything and just want to be left to rot. So while one considers that problem, bear the following in mind: The right solution is the one that gets the best results, not the most convenient one.
You can watch this video on www.livejournal.com
Now, for those who have been keeping score, the class I am in still consists of the same six people, and they have set another week with more than thirty-three percent attendance. Only one was absent last Friday, and there is probably a good reason for it. I do not know what the woman I have been rabbiting on about here for the last couple of months will think if she catches a glimpse of any of these writings, but yes, she was there, too. And I got to talk with her a bit once the class died down, although I still wish it had been under better circumstances. There is nothing particularly comfortable about having it blurted out for you that you are ready to give up and go crawl back into a hole. But this is somewhat beside the point. What I am trying to work my way into saying is that we started to conference on an instant messenger through the preceding weeks in order to try and get the script hammered out. This has proven highly beneficial, in that the script is now in a very solid state even if it is not quite what I would put on paper and we are finally getting towards scheduling shooting. Fingers crossed, we might even have a finished film at the end of next month!
And that is really the most driving reason behind what I am doing lately. If my entire week was merely spent cooperating with this person towards mutal or even exclusive goals, then I would be perfectly happy. No, scratch that. I would never wish for anything again. Unfortunately, real life, my rotten circumstances, and the people who make both unbearable are always intruding. I think Danny Glover's line in Predator 2 about his boss cutting off his dick and shoving it up his butt really sums it all up for me. And really has done since I was about thirteen years old, truth be told. If I did not have the diabetes weighing me down, I would likely toss in the university stuff right now and go find something more antisocial to do, such as steal cars for chop shops. You know your life is pretty meaningless when you start asking yourself why you cannot end up in the employ of the kinds of mob bosses or other general bastards you see depicted in film. I certainly know I am wondering how the fukk I got it into my head that I wanted to make any kind of film for any kind of reason. In spite of the severe motivation the Moron Brigade are giving me.
So, in summary, I have through too many steps to count gotten in touch with a social service that at least talks about getting people back in touch with their communities (even though this is not really my community at all), so there is a sort of prayer that this might turn out well. Then there is the usual feeling of smashing one's head against the wall at university. And of course, the ever-present fear that my body will go belly-up on me as I try to work out all the other pieces of these other puzzles. Not helping matters any is that I seriously cannot communicate with the medical professionals that are in my local area. They are nice people and seem vaguely okay at points, but their ability to communicate effectively with me is practically non-existent. And the need for specialised attention to figure out exactly what the hell is causing my brain to overdrive and burn out its relatively fragile fuel supply is very difficult to get across even to the most understanding people. It is not helping in the slightest when people listen to me describe how I felt faint for the best part of a month and felt like I was going to fall over when bending down to sign a prescription form, then ask me if I have eaten. As if a whopping feast is going to do anything about a feeling of loose dizziness that has been persisting for an entire month. Jesus.
Edit, Monday September 21, 0006 hours: After a discussion with the esteemed lady I keep mentioning here in which music video URLs were exchanged a bit, I went looking on YouTube for something that represents the craziness I am seeing in my situation. The YouTube director known as tkan should be knighted. He makes better music videos than just about anyone in the history of photography, period.
Anyway, that is pretty much everything I can think to say for this week. It took a while because I am losing my motivation in everything and just want to be left to rot. So while one considers that problem, bear the following in mind: The right solution is the one that gets the best results, not the most convenient one.