I keep looking, and no one is there
well its been years since i last posted anything here. fuck it, no one can give any advice that merits a really meaningful response from me. I'm tired of being alone. My biggest fear being alone. and i live it everyday. maybe thats why im a "slut" "whore" or whatever anyone wants to call me. i cant stand being empty and alone, maybe thats why ill go for and fall for the one girl who will give me the time of day. i hate me for that. i love living here, but there isnt anything holding me down besides my friends. who i never make time for. my bills kinda hold me pretty firm too. but if i was well off, i think i would sell my blazer and buy the 88 blazer on craigslist, and pack up everything in that truck and drive to texas, and try to start new. cut all ties here and just leave. god i mean i would miss everyone. i did when i was in basic, and during training. maybe thats why i want to get deployed. with subtle hopes of not coming back. its alittle morbid, but i do love my country enough to give all. ive never really done anything for myself. hell joining the army was for Kira. and well you know how that fairy tale ended. im certified as a firefighter and i work at a hotel, thats like getting a phd from harvard medical and getting a job at wendys. ::NOTE:: Referance to Wendy's has no merit on my feeling on the double triple....DEATH.... anyways i think Corey Taylor said it best in his poem Omega....
What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villians try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, NOW
We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your adivistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned
For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers
A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR? (WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?) SHUT UP!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs haven't felt like this in years the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when theres no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better, than, you!
It's like ice but no pick a murder charge that won't stick its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
*laughs* What luck!
Facism you can vote for
*snorts* Isn't that sweet
And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and (SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!) SHUT UP! (FUCK YOU!) FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so
Remember, your a wreck an accident
Forget the freak your just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done.
You may not understand but I do. so, moving on
Kira texts me like once a week, saying how much she misses me, and sadly no matter how bad she hurt me i still miss her. but i know deep down im not that dumb to go back to her. cause of her i built a wall that i wont let down for anyone. til recently i let it down, and as soon as i was ok with that, i got hurt again. i dont mean i fell in love, but i did let myself get comfortable with thing, maybe i shouldnt. just stop trusting all together. pain is an all to close friend of mine. and i hate it. to me it feels like sleep, no matter how much you get, you still do it again the next day. wake up, go back to sleep, wake up go back.... to pain. for me its standing in the cold on the hottest part of the year. swimming in the desert. getting stabbed with air, and thoughts... thoughts of whats next and whos going to do it. but back to the army. im trained to kill, but i have a life saving job. a job that i will never use in the army. if i get deploied im not doing anything except riding in convoys to access damages, and to escourt civilians. for never fighting or shooting prior to enlisting, i do very well. im the most lethal person in my unit. we did rifle qualifications i was one of two people to shoot expert. considering i hadnt shot a rifle in 8 months thats good. then went on to a weapon that i never used before, again shot expert. and hand to hand combat, well what i was trained to do is to take down and disable. well in texas, there ws a guy who was in my basic unit, and he always kinda picked on me. he was and is a very big man. college wreastler and pt star. he came at me and i took him down. quickly. i knocked him out. ive never felt all my rage explode of out me. thats why i now am afraid to really fight someone cause i will most likely not stop, and kill them. i dont want to do that. even though on 9/11 i wanted so badly to leave high school and become an Army Airborne Ranger. in basic i wanted to go Special Forces. Now i just want to be a simple country boy... have my own land, maybe a farm, but just live my life. become a firefighter. seeing someone die, probably wont effect me too much, thats why i think i can handle the job. plus im kinda a pyro. Firefighters are firefighters cause they love fire, just like cops become cops to shoot the gun. its not all donuts and free coffee, which is bullshit cause firefighter dont get that at dunks. oh yea, drunk marines leave big bruises.... i will say this, there is only one thing i am afraid of if i get deploied. PTSD, seeing my friends die in combat. and then coming home to deal with it on my own. i wont talk to anyone about what happened. ill bottle it up, i know i will. but i heard storys from sgts in my unit saying how they came home, and choked their wives or pulled guns on people.
by the way, 3rd shift sucks.... too much time to think
i hit kira. so everyone knows. i had a few drinks and she got very mouthy and i just reacted... that was after a month of the army kinda training you not to feel, go off instint. ive never in my life hit anyone out of anger, so maybe thats why i dont drink much anymore. ive been drunk three time since i got home. the first bonfire after i got home, one other bonfire which turned into a bad night and me driving off in a drunken rage... and then my birthday... which isnt saying much see as i never have had a real birthday. i believe til the day i lay dead, i will never feel good about getting older. im 23 and at times i feel 80... the summer is the only time where i can say the season makes me happy. warm weather, and no problems. fall begins them, winter enhances them and spring time settles them. sometimes i wish i could go back to basic, and become the machine, the robot, the cold emotionless being that i was. feel nothing, go on day by day doing as im told, yes sir, no sir... hooah sir. thats all i needed. everyday the same thing, wake up, make my bunk, workout, eat, train, eat train, eat, train, sleep, repeat. no one to worry about, no tears... no thoughts.... no problems.
Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellem - If you want Peace, Prepare for War. or said by MushroomHead "You don't know peace til you've had suffering" its true. you can't feel happy without knowing anger, sadness, pain, and loss. but sadly my happiness comes in tiny spurts, and when i least expect it, its ripped away. tearing a new scar.
by the time people realize who you are, you're nothing again. or at least thats me. lets go back... High school, i had lots of friends, hell i had a huge crowd of people around me. but who are they, where are they... did they ever matter. the people i still talk to are people i barely saw or talked to. Tim McCabe... he is the only person that knows me, more then i know myself. cause i allow him in.. no one else will ever know what or who i am like he does. and for some reason he still talks to me. ive wronged everyone i know. in one way or another. Tim, for instance... I should have never done that, i was stupid and only thinking of myself... i never thought of what it would do, and as the tattoo on my arm reads sinner... well people say its never to late to repent, well somethings you can atone for. in my case, how can i apologize for something that hurt someone badly. something they will always remember i did. Greg, my best friend... ive belittled him so much, and i even tried to take his girlfriends. I suck i am a bad friend. and still he calls me his friend, at times his best friend, WHY? all i do is hurt and destroy. Melissa, well thats all hurt... and ill never make up for that. time after time, i hurt her. and she still talks to me. she still makes time to see me. makes sure im ok. moving to Nate. i can't recall a time ive ever done anything for him. but still we are brothers, friends..... he is what i want to be. maybe i cant. maybe ill always be like this. "if you make through life and you can count your friends on one hand your a very rich man" - My dad. well i maybe a rich man now, but im still poor. im a wreck. im beyond repair. im an asshole, a racist, and shallow. who wants to be around someone like me. im clingy, untrusting and a jealous man, who wants to date that? you? i didnt think so. of course it takes years to vent out anything this massive... is it bad that i would love to die and be reborn to start fresh, make better choices for my future and the futures of others. Butterfly Effect... thats what my mind goes through daily.
So ill leave you with this...
Wann wird aller gesagt und getan, der ich sind?
What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villians try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, NOW
We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your adivistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned
For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers
A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR? (WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?) SHUT UP!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs haven't felt like this in years the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when theres no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better, than, you!
It's like ice but no pick a murder charge that won't stick its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
*laughs* What luck!
Facism you can vote for
*snorts* Isn't that sweet
And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and (SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!) SHUT UP! (FUCK YOU!) FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so
Remember, your a wreck an accident
Forget the freak your just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done.
You may not understand but I do. so, moving on
Kira texts me like once a week, saying how much she misses me, and sadly no matter how bad she hurt me i still miss her. but i know deep down im not that dumb to go back to her. cause of her i built a wall that i wont let down for anyone. til recently i let it down, and as soon as i was ok with that, i got hurt again. i dont mean i fell in love, but i did let myself get comfortable with thing, maybe i shouldnt. just stop trusting all together. pain is an all to close friend of mine. and i hate it. to me it feels like sleep, no matter how much you get, you still do it again the next day. wake up, go back to sleep, wake up go back.... to pain. for me its standing in the cold on the hottest part of the year. swimming in the desert. getting stabbed with air, and thoughts... thoughts of whats next and whos going to do it. but back to the army. im trained to kill, but i have a life saving job. a job that i will never use in the army. if i get deploied im not doing anything except riding in convoys to access damages, and to escourt civilians. for never fighting or shooting prior to enlisting, i do very well. im the most lethal person in my unit. we did rifle qualifications i was one of two people to shoot expert. considering i hadnt shot a rifle in 8 months thats good. then went on to a weapon that i never used before, again shot expert. and hand to hand combat, well what i was trained to do is to take down and disable. well in texas, there ws a guy who was in my basic unit, and he always kinda picked on me. he was and is a very big man. college wreastler and pt star. he came at me and i took him down. quickly. i knocked him out. ive never felt all my rage explode of out me. thats why i now am afraid to really fight someone cause i will most likely not stop, and kill them. i dont want to do that. even though on 9/11 i wanted so badly to leave high school and become an Army Airborne Ranger. in basic i wanted to go Special Forces. Now i just want to be a simple country boy... have my own land, maybe a farm, but just live my life. become a firefighter. seeing someone die, probably wont effect me too much, thats why i think i can handle the job. plus im kinda a pyro. Firefighters are firefighters cause they love fire, just like cops become cops to shoot the gun. its not all donuts and free coffee, which is bullshit cause firefighter dont get that at dunks. oh yea, drunk marines leave big bruises.... i will say this, there is only one thing i am afraid of if i get deploied. PTSD, seeing my friends die in combat. and then coming home to deal with it on my own. i wont talk to anyone about what happened. ill bottle it up, i know i will. but i heard storys from sgts in my unit saying how they came home, and choked their wives or pulled guns on people.
by the way, 3rd shift sucks.... too much time to think
i hit kira. so everyone knows. i had a few drinks and she got very mouthy and i just reacted... that was after a month of the army kinda training you not to feel, go off instint. ive never in my life hit anyone out of anger, so maybe thats why i dont drink much anymore. ive been drunk three time since i got home. the first bonfire after i got home, one other bonfire which turned into a bad night and me driving off in a drunken rage... and then my birthday... which isnt saying much see as i never have had a real birthday. i believe til the day i lay dead, i will never feel good about getting older. im 23 and at times i feel 80... the summer is the only time where i can say the season makes me happy. warm weather, and no problems. fall begins them, winter enhances them and spring time settles them. sometimes i wish i could go back to basic, and become the machine, the robot, the cold emotionless being that i was. feel nothing, go on day by day doing as im told, yes sir, no sir... hooah sir. thats all i needed. everyday the same thing, wake up, make my bunk, workout, eat, train, eat train, eat, train, sleep, repeat. no one to worry about, no tears... no thoughts.... no problems.
Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellem - If you want Peace, Prepare for War. or said by MushroomHead "You don't know peace til you've had suffering" its true. you can't feel happy without knowing anger, sadness, pain, and loss. but sadly my happiness comes in tiny spurts, and when i least expect it, its ripped away. tearing a new scar.
by the time people realize who you are, you're nothing again. or at least thats me. lets go back... High school, i had lots of friends, hell i had a huge crowd of people around me. but who are they, where are they... did they ever matter. the people i still talk to are people i barely saw or talked to. Tim McCabe... he is the only person that knows me, more then i know myself. cause i allow him in.. no one else will ever know what or who i am like he does. and for some reason he still talks to me. ive wronged everyone i know. in one way or another. Tim, for instance... I should have never done that, i was stupid and only thinking of myself... i never thought of what it would do, and as the tattoo on my arm reads sinner... well people say its never to late to repent, well somethings you can atone for. in my case, how can i apologize for something that hurt someone badly. something they will always remember i did. Greg, my best friend... ive belittled him so much, and i even tried to take his girlfriends. I suck i am a bad friend. and still he calls me his friend, at times his best friend, WHY? all i do is hurt and destroy. Melissa, well thats all hurt... and ill never make up for that. time after time, i hurt her. and she still talks to me. she still makes time to see me. makes sure im ok. moving to Nate. i can't recall a time ive ever done anything for him. but still we are brothers, friends..... he is what i want to be. maybe i cant. maybe ill always be like this. "if you make through life and you can count your friends on one hand your a very rich man" - My dad. well i maybe a rich man now, but im still poor. im a wreck. im beyond repair. im an asshole, a racist, and shallow. who wants to be around someone like me. im clingy, untrusting and a jealous man, who wants to date that? you? i didnt think so. of course it takes years to vent out anything this massive... is it bad that i would love to die and be reborn to start fresh, make better choices for my future and the futures of others. Butterfly Effect... thats what my mind goes through daily.
So ill leave you with this...
Wann wird aller gesagt und getan, der ich sind?