A Rush to Judgment, A Leap of Faith P.5 of 5
Title: A Rush to Judgment, A Leap of Faith P.5 of 5
Author: Kinwad
Pairing: Brian & Justin
Rating: R to NC17 for the whole fic
Time Line: Season 3 - Post 309
Summary: “Driven to the margin of error, driven to the edge of control.” ©Peart,Lee,Lifeson
Previously: P. 1 here: http://kinfic2.livejournal.com/69600.html
A/Ns: Thanks so much to everyone who read and commented!
Disclaimer: QAF and its characters are the sole property of their owners.
No copyright infringement intended.
“Every time I think I've had enough and start heading for the door,
there's a very strange vibration, piercing me right to the floor.
It says turn around you fool, you know you love him more and more.
Don’t wanna let you go. Never can say goodbye.” ©C.Davis
The ride was fast, furious and oddly silent. Although drowning in private seas of mental chaos, both were excruciatingly aware of each other’s presence. The thoughts may have been their own, but their emotions were kindred spirits, binding them together with super charged threads of unbearable electricity. The feeling was a familiar one-had been from the very beginning. Transcending ordinary sensation, it rubbed nerve endings raw with enough tension to make them scream.
Reeling from the evening’s events, Justin propped an elbow on the door rest and stared at the blur of shadowy buildings and dimly lit storefronts as they whizzed by. The dizzying scenery lulled him into a mindless stupor, but when the car careened around yet another corner, he pressed his teeth into his thumb to stem a rising panic. He threw a furtive look at the manic driver and his stomach tightened.
The aristocratic lines of his face hardened by concentration, Brian expertly weaved through traffic, flashing his high beams at whoever had the misfortune of slowing him down. As he raced through a yellow and squeaked through a red, street lights played hide and seek with his chiseled profile, shadow dancing in between its angles and planes. Every now and then, he’d quirk his head and relax his white-knuckled grip on the wheel, extending and flexing his fingers as if having a conversation with himself.
They squealed to a stop in front of the building and climbed out with a stereo bang of doors. He double-timed his steps to match the taller man’s stride, but his pounding heart had nothing to do with exertion. His nerves jangled with anticipatory dread. His entire future hinged on what would be said.
With enough kinetic energy to light up Liberty Avenue, Brian stormed into the loft and flung his jacket on the sofa like a bullfighter tossing his cape into the ring. Although momentarily distracted by the exposed muscular arms and form-fitting wifebeater, Justin scrunched his eyes at the overwhelming déjà vu. Coming in? Shut the door. Like that first night, half of him wanted to run, the other half wanted to stay.
Golden daggers shot him with frightening accuracy. “Why the fuck are you still here?”
“Why are you?”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, I live here.”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, so do I. Sort of. Sometimes.”
“You always want to talk, but if you don’t hear what you want to hear, the waterworks start or you bail! And then it’s my fault that the ‘conversation’ goes to shit. If I get a vote, I’d rather you bite my head off than cry or leave. How about taking your own advice? Figure out what you want.”
He recoiled as if physically struck. Of all the epithets he expected, that wasn’t one of them. If the disparaging tirade had been a knife, he’d be bleeding from the cuts. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I do know. But you never listen to me.” He shook his head. “No, let me clarify. You listen but you don’t hear. You never do.”
* * *
Sailing into uncharted territory, Brian wrestled with unfamiliar feelings that had him floundering out of his comfort zone. Some people would know instinctively what to do or say. He wasn’t one of them. He could strategize almost any situation, but this relationship thing required skills he didn’t possess. Like a fish out of water, he was as much a novice as Justin. He may have been Justin’s physical first, but Justin was his emotional first. Feeling as if he hadn’t slept in days, he asked wearily, “What the fuck do you want from me?”
Justin balled his hands into fists.“I don’t know. Something? Anything? Just talk to me! Meet me halfway.”
“You knew what you were getting with me. It was all out in the open. I never made a secret who I was. That alone should have sent you running away. Any other twat would have. Why the fuck didn’t you?”
“Because I couldn’t picture my life without you in it. I still can’t.”
“If you don't know me by now, you will never, never, never know me.” ©Gamble/Huff
Although he no longer regarded Brian as a paragon-he knew his weaknesses too well-his wide-eyed naiveté had morphed into something deeper, more meaningful. He was committed to him, body and soul, no matter what the future held.
During the downs of moody introspection, he realized Brian would never chase after him on his own, regardless of the circumstance. After all, he had his pride and his ego. Individually, they were formidable opponents. Together they were insurmountable obstacles. That’s why he had to be the chaser. Despite the smokescreen of indifference, when things became too comfortable, Brian would either self-sabotage or run away. But someone who ran could be caught, depending on the persistence of the pursuer and the secret desire of the pursuee to be captured.
He struggled to explain. “I want us to be together.” And then he paraphrased, “You know that. I never made a secret of it.” And then he glared. “That alone should have sent you running away.” And then he became serious. “But I can’t spend all my time wondering what you’re going to think and worrying what you’re going to do if something like this happens again. It’s exhausting and counterproductive and doesn’t do either of us any good.”
He nibbled on his thumbnail and paced, pausing every now and then to collect his thoughts or to let a new one sink in. He stopped as abruptly as he started and threw his arms up. “Brian, I don’t care what we call whatever the fuck it is we have. The label doesn’t matter. But I want it to work, and I know you do, too. Even though it’s a fate worse than a limp dick for you to admit it. Everyone makes mistakes, even you, Mr. Kinney, although you’d never admit that, either. Mine just happen to be bigger than anyone else’s.” WHe acknowledged the snicker. “You’re not the only one who’s a size queen. But we’re supposed to learn from our mistakes. And I did. I just don’t know how to convince you that I did.”
“You don’t have to convince me of anything,” Brian said flatly.
“Don’t I?”
“No, you don’t.”
He couldn’t keep the irritation out of his voice. “You really are a piece of work! Do you honestly think after all this time, I haven’t learned anything? Don’t you think I get you?”
“Probably not.”
He stared in disbelief and rubbed the knot of tension on the back of his neck, tilting his head from side to side to stretch the stiff muscles. “What exactly is it you do for a living? Are you that fucking obtuse?”
“I think that’s a little harsh.”
“Is it?”
With a hint of color in his cheeks, Brian inspected the spotless floor for dust bunnies. He shuffled a foot and cleared his throat. “I suppose maybe on rare occasions that could be a possibility.”
“No shit! What the fuck goes on in that illogical mind of yours?”
The tousled head shot up. “Illogical?”
“About certain things, yes. About me, definitely. About yourself, absolutely. About you and me, unequivocally.”
Brian’s mouth quirked into a half smile. “Yeah, I got it, 1500 SATs.” He gave a mirthless snort. “I tried pushing you away from the very beginning. I told myself I was doing it for you. I was full of shit. I did it for me.”
“Brian, listen to me. Pay attention. I’m not here because I have to be. I’m here because I want to be. I’m not even here because you want me here.” At the arched right brow, he blew out an exasperated breath. “Oh, for- What? You don’t?” When the answer was nothing more than a silent shrug, he had an epiphanic moment of clarity. Like a light bulb clicking on in his brain, he finally understood what his leaving did.
The man had suffered and had been humiliated because he stepped out of himself and took a chance on him, on them. It didn’t excuse what he did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say. He had been hurt, devastatingly so. And it hurt too much to know how much.
Better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie. K. Hosseini
Yes, he was insensitive and acerbic. Some might even say cruel. If asked, his 'friends' would be more than happy to add to the laundry list of sins. But he had convictions and principles, such as they were, although his detractors painted them with a self-serving brush. And he was also human, albeit deeply flawed, with meaningful gestures and psychological scars that only Justin saw. The former made him smile, the latter made him weep. And Justin loved him, all of him. Ignoring niggles of concern that he was pushing too hard, it became imperative to let him know. “Brian, do you think I love you?”
He wasn’t sure he even heard him. There was no response, no recognition at all. The trademark stoic demeanor remained a blank canvas until Brian seemed to dig deep inside and reach a decision. A hairline crack appeared in the marble facade, then widened to a fissure under the stress of a stricken nod.
“Say it,” he demanded gently.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
The answer was nothing more than a strangled whisper. “Yesithinkyouloveme.”
It was the eyes. The terrified eyes of a trapped animal said what words never could-he thought he was supposed to return the sentiment. When he opened his mouth to speak, Justin silenced him with an index finger across his lips. “I didn’t ask because I wanted you to say it back. I know you love me. It just took a while to sink in.” He teased, “Maybe there’s too much scar tissue in my head.” He saw the flinch and hastened to add, “I’m kidding, okay? But hearing the words doesn’t seem so important any more.” A melancholy expression flitted across his face and his voice turned wistful. “Maybe someday...” He gave a brief shake of his head. “No, I asked because I need you to believe it as much as I do. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, all of you, the good and the bad.”
“What will it take till you believe in me the way that I believe in you?
I said I love you and that’s forever and this I promise from the heart.
I couldn’t love you any better, I love you just the way you are.” ©B.Joel
* * *
Brian had to look away. The heartfelt admission left him too vulnerable. His composure didn’t stand a chance when Justin looked at him as if he could see into his soul. It churned his insides, shifting his inner balance of power from rational thought to fanciful emotion.
In desperate need of control, he made a joke to ease the tension. “What about ugly?” He saw the confusion. “You said the good and the bad. There was a movie, The Good, the Bad, and-”
“The Ugly,” Justin finished with a grin. His blue eyes twinkled with mischief. “Yeah, I know. I purposely left that one out. It doesn’t apply.”
“So I’m not ugly?”
The grin morphed into a full-blown laugh. “Fishing for compliments? How the mighty have fallen!” Justin’s shoulders sagged like a deflating balloon. The evening obviously had taken its toll. “Why can’t we ever have a normal conversation, a normal life, like other people?”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re not normal,” he said. Excluding his own vigorously denied neuroses, anyone who endured birth, near death, trauma, separation, and reunification in the span of three years would be hard-pressed not to skirt the boundaries of normalcy.
* * *
As if the loft were holding its breath, waiting for something to happen, the weighty silence stretched like a rubber band on the verge of snapping. They were both aware when it started, that thing between them that sucked all the air out of a room. No longer inscrutable, hazel eyes wickedly darkened, scorching Justin’s flesh with their need and chilling his bones with their intent. After all this time, they still could throw him off balance, making him feel like a specimen under glass and a horny teenager at the same time.
When they got back together, they were parched nomads who had found water in a desert. But as time went on, there was a subtle difference. While their desire hadn’t waned, the sex felt too desperate, tainted by lies and deception, tinged with betrayal and jealousy. Uncertainty fed their insecurities about themselves and each other, making them wonder how long they would last, if they would last.
He had wanted to talk about it, but when he summoned the courage to broach the subject, Brian pulled up his drawbridge of sarcasm and derision. He never mentioned it again and it dangled out of reach, like a participle searching for a home.
Brian closed the distance with the grace of a panther and traced his mouth with hot, determined strokes. He gave a contented sigh as the blissful feeling soothed his frazzled nerves. If he were a cat, he would have purred. This was how it should be. Brian's kisses told him without words what was in his heart. This was how it was meant to be.
“We have to trust in gestures. This is what always goes unrecognized when we ask ourselves what is genuine and real.” R.Pollesch
As if a dam had broken, they stumbled to the bed, leaving a trail of hastily discarded clothing in their wake. They wanted the fuck to last but it was going to be impossible. Fueled by blue-eyed desire and lust, Brian ripped open a foil packet with his teeth and grabbed the lube with shaky hands.
Justin gave a provocative wriggle under him. “Need help?”
“Shut up!” He flicked open the tube, squirted a generous amount in his palm and coated himself with only the lightest of touches before pushing into the tight channel.
“Fuck!” Justin half-whispered, half-grunted, his eyes going wide at the burning intrusion.
Ignoring his libido’s impatience to bulldoze in, he held still, letting Justin’s muscles stretch to accept him. When the faint pressure of a heel on his back gave him the go-ahead, he eased inside inch by agonizing inch until the weight of his balls rested against the perfectly shaped ass. His breath hitched in his throat. He never could figure out why it was always so different with him, like traveling home along a familiar road with ever-changing scenery.
With legs wrapped around his waist, he started to move. A litany of curses tumbled out as Justin pressed up to meet each thrust, raking his nails across his back. Spurred on by a feverish chant of 'harder, more, fuck me,' he changed his rhythm. When he aimed for the sweet spot that would push them over the edge, Justin covered his face with his arms.
“Look at me,” he gritted.
Justin lowered his hands and bared his heart, body, and soul. Like a beacon of light, the blue eyes shimmered with a love so naked, they turned him inside out, making him want to rip out his own unworthy heart as a gift and surrender his body and soul.
The depth of emotion triggered an unstoppable tsunami. He sped up, the rapid-fire snap of his hips sending them on a slow slide across the bed, and Justin stayed with him with every jab. When the muscles convulsed around his cock, his climax threw him off his personal cliff with mind-numbing sensation. His body trembled as he exploded with a primal growl and a name on his lips. “Justin!”
* * *
Justin blindly reached out and grasped Brian’s hand like an anchor. Close, so close. When the wave slammed into him with a flash of white, his ass grabbed Brian’s dick in a determined chokehold to hold him and keep him safe. He gave a guttural cry and shuddered his release, the words in his head a silent prayer of promise. I love you, Brian.
* * *
Sated and relaxed, they lay amid a tangle of sheets and each other, letting the warmth of nakedness soak into their pores like a healing balm. Justin alternated between playing with the stray hairs around Brian’s nipples and running his thumb along his chin. He received lazy circles on his arm and strokes in his hair in return.
His face buried in the scent and feel of cornsilk, Brian’s muffled voice tickled his scalp. “What you said earlier, about how you felt?”
“Yeah?”
“The feeling’s mutual.”
Justin stopped playing and snuggled deeper into the crook of the protective arm. He rested his hand on Brian’s chest and flattened his palm. “I know. I’ve always known. But I didn’t know if you did.”
Before sleep claimed them, he heard, “I did. ‘It just took a while to sink in.’ ”
~FINI~