Can you believe we're all grown up?
In 28 hours, I will be leaving Columbia to go to Fort Mill for a week. Spring break. Oh, I am so ready to just SLEEP. Never again will I take 17 hours. I really want to shoot myself in the foot sometimes.
For some reason or another, the past has become overwhelming. Certain people from years ago have contacted me and others who I thought no longer wanted anything to do with me have gone out of their way to talk to me. One person, a friend from 7th - 10th grade, IMed me and we talked about how much he has changed. I told him how judged I felt by him and that for some reason, his behavior towards me always made me feel insecure. He agreed and apologized and expressed how ashamed he is of himself. He admitted that he still thinks about and regrets it. Not only am I shocked at his admission but I am...interested?...shocked that out of all the friends I had at Farragut High School, he is one of the few who has gone out of their way to keep in touch with me. I know we were all busy with the last two years of high school, but as soon as we went to college, he IMed me and wanted to know how I had been and how I liked college, etc. I'm not upset about it, but when I moved away I had always thought that certain people would still be in my life no matter what. Meredith, Emily, and Ryan have remained steadfast friends, but others have, it feels, forgotten all about me.
I'm not upset though. We've all grown up so much in the last two and a half years, that it's crazy to expect old relationships to stand the test of time when our lives are so separate. Within the last two or three months little things have slapped me in the face proving to me just how much has changed. I don't feel grown up. I feel like the 15 year old girl in high school who had little self confidence and had no idea what she was going to do with her life. Except now I'm 18, almost 19, and I have more confidence in myself than I ever have and I have an IDEA of where I want my life to go, or at the very least, the type of person I want to be. I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference in the way I look or the way I act, but when I see pictures, even just from last year, I realize how different I really am, and it scares me. How can I change so much in so short a span of time?
My life has completely flipped upside down since I moved to South Carolina. I always knew my parents would divorce but I never expected it to be this ugly. I guess I always thought that I would remain shy and scared of the world, but in the past year I've developed my own opinions and am able to defend them to people without feeling silly or stupid. Its hard to describe the changes I've undergone because each day I see something else in myself that's completely different.
There's a huge weight on my chest and I think I'm missing something or forgetting something. Maybe its just the pressure of school or friends or whatever, but I still feel incomplete - like I'm not whole or something vital is missing in me. I'm happy, but it feels like any second it could fall apart. I don't know where this anxiety is coming from. Maybe knowing that I've grown up? Maybe I'm anxious about dealing with the future? Maybe I'm scared I'll find out that I can't ever return to the way I once was? Someone told me this week that I don't have faith in guys, I think maybe I don't have faith in people. Am I the only person I can rely on? Is that selfish? Or am I just an existentialist?
I guess I just have to take one day at a time and deal with each change as I discover it.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never left Farragut?
For some reason or another, the past has become overwhelming. Certain people from years ago have contacted me and others who I thought no longer wanted anything to do with me have gone out of their way to talk to me. One person, a friend from 7th - 10th grade, IMed me and we talked about how much he has changed. I told him how judged I felt by him and that for some reason, his behavior towards me always made me feel insecure. He agreed and apologized and expressed how ashamed he is of himself. He admitted that he still thinks about and regrets it. Not only am I shocked at his admission but I am...interested?...shocked that out of all the friends I had at Farragut High School, he is one of the few who has gone out of their way to keep in touch with me. I know we were all busy with the last two years of high school, but as soon as we went to college, he IMed me and wanted to know how I had been and how I liked college, etc. I'm not upset about it, but when I moved away I had always thought that certain people would still be in my life no matter what. Meredith, Emily, and Ryan have remained steadfast friends, but others have, it feels, forgotten all about me.
I'm not upset though. We've all grown up so much in the last two and a half years, that it's crazy to expect old relationships to stand the test of time when our lives are so separate. Within the last two or three months little things have slapped me in the face proving to me just how much has changed. I don't feel grown up. I feel like the 15 year old girl in high school who had little self confidence and had no idea what she was going to do with her life. Except now I'm 18, almost 19, and I have more confidence in myself than I ever have and I have an IDEA of where I want my life to go, or at the very least, the type of person I want to be. I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference in the way I look or the way I act, but when I see pictures, even just from last year, I realize how different I really am, and it scares me. How can I change so much in so short a span of time?
My life has completely flipped upside down since I moved to South Carolina. I always knew my parents would divorce but I never expected it to be this ugly. I guess I always thought that I would remain shy and scared of the world, but in the past year I've developed my own opinions and am able to defend them to people without feeling silly or stupid. Its hard to describe the changes I've undergone because each day I see something else in myself that's completely different.
There's a huge weight on my chest and I think I'm missing something or forgetting something. Maybe its just the pressure of school or friends or whatever, but I still feel incomplete - like I'm not whole or something vital is missing in me. I'm happy, but it feels like any second it could fall apart. I don't know where this anxiety is coming from. Maybe knowing that I've grown up? Maybe I'm anxious about dealing with the future? Maybe I'm scared I'll find out that I can't ever return to the way I once was? Someone told me this week that I don't have faith in guys, I think maybe I don't have faith in people. Am I the only person I can rely on? Is that selfish? Or am I just an existentialist?
I guess I just have to take one day at a time and deal with each change as I discover it.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never left Farragut?