what's all this hubbub?
this summer is passing by slowly, pleasantly, and without incident. lately i have been a major homebody and have spent all my time in san antonio with family. i have very much so enjoyed myself. we are working on the house to ready it for sale.
i have not reached out to any of my friends here. to be completely honest, i am not sure why. a mixture of fear of awkwardness/a lingering question of what's the point i suppose. but really these explanations seem too obvious. such concerns never stopped me before, so why now?
sometimes, there is very little comprehension of motivations. i have spent much of my life in search of reasons behind things--the universe, the psyche, my own actions and lack there of. but all the effort seems today like a big self-deception. after all, would an understanding of the motivations or reasons behind things explain them in any way? no, there is always another why.
recently, ive felt rather functionalist in the questions i try to answer. i dont answer them unless i feel like i need to and right now im happy wasting my time with other things: like reruns of star trek and smash brothers for instance. i have ignored people that i shouldnt. for this and other reasons, i am irresponsible.
i feel on the brink of some sort of crossroads. recently, ive felt overcome by a wave of what might be called insignificance or perhaps humility. now, those that know me will probably know that i am not the most humble of creatures. ive strived this last year to take a step down from a pedestal that ive placed myself on the past few years. much of my introspection has been devoted to the study of my personal leap of faith as an atheist and the equivalence of any leaps of faith in any religios system. this year i determined that i believe no belief system to be superior to any other and that the interesting part of the belief is not the belief itself but the way in which we all make the leaps we do. i believe no matter how little attention we pay to what we believe there is a leap that must be made simply because we must think. to me, the interesting part is that currently i cannot understand the leaps of others whose belief systems differ strongly from my own.
what is going through one's head when they accept the existence of god? even though i at one point believed in a god, i cannot understand how an adult makes such a leap as i was only 13-16 when i last believed. yet i don't believe a belief in god to be any more ridiculous than a lack there of. we're all in the same pot in my book.
however, even more interesting is how one comes to accept christianity or islam or judaism over other religions. which text is the right one? how does one even summon the audacity to select a faith and to defend it against others? i earnestly wish that i could answer these questions. i have an intense desire to talk with people about their faiths, to read the holy texts just to try to understand what a leap of faith is--for in it is something distinctly human, something necessary, mysterious, courageous, contradictory, polemical, and beautiful.
it has been a long time since ive doubted what i believe. i dont suppose "doubt" really covers the concept. in a sense, what i have come to believe preaches that any belief must and always will be accompanied/plagued by fallibily (and in my opinion probably incorrectness). yet to truly believe something, one must assert ones' belief as correct and in doing so invalidate (at least some) other contradictory believes. in lies all hope. in lies all conflict. to believe anything is to disagree with others, and yet there can be no other option. it is a difficult if not impossible thing to truly accept the believes of others while believing in one's own philosophy. that's an ugly situation if ive ever heard one.
none of this would be a big deal if there weren't something at stake, which, in this case, i suppose would be our humanity. however again there can be no humanity without belief. in which lies the problem.
however, the bright side is that im more eager to listen than i ever have been. i feel like im more equipped to recognize my own stupidity than i ever have been. for me, acceptance of my own fallibity has and continues to be the key. i would like for a period of time to remove myself from my believes simply to accomplish a sort of functional humility or skepticism--whatever you want to call it.
ive been reading a piece of modern christian literature lately. it has in no way made a believer of me, but i find something appealing in its utter foreignness. what the author believes is something i dont believe myself capable of believing.
something ive been thinking a great deal about is the capability of belief--is there really such a thing? do we decide what we believe or do we just believe what we must? or is this all really just a chicken or the egg thing? can one consciously choose a path that will lead to some sort of belief--something fuzzy but still in the ballpark of what one might expect--or are we powerless to control our beliefs? god or no god, the question remains relevant. there of course are forces--such as our genetic disposition, our conscious perception, or our life experience--that most likely limit our "freedom of choice." as far as belief goes, i think it all goes back to where we make our leap of faith, where we place our chips, where we start our foundations, yada, yada, yada.
it is the most fundamental questions that may be destined to go unanswered.
however, i do think im getting to the point where i can begin to understand what it means to be tolerant, or at least what id like for it to mean to be tolerant. even if i think you're wrong and you think i'm wrong, we can both readily accept the possibility that we are both equally wrong and that as far as we know that is the case. i guess this what tolerance should mean in my opinion.
but i suppose i could be wrong.
i have not reached out to any of my friends here. to be completely honest, i am not sure why. a mixture of fear of awkwardness/a lingering question of what's the point i suppose. but really these explanations seem too obvious. such concerns never stopped me before, so why now?
sometimes, there is very little comprehension of motivations. i have spent much of my life in search of reasons behind things--the universe, the psyche, my own actions and lack there of. but all the effort seems today like a big self-deception. after all, would an understanding of the motivations or reasons behind things explain them in any way? no, there is always another why.
recently, ive felt rather functionalist in the questions i try to answer. i dont answer them unless i feel like i need to and right now im happy wasting my time with other things: like reruns of star trek and smash brothers for instance. i have ignored people that i shouldnt. for this and other reasons, i am irresponsible.
i feel on the brink of some sort of crossroads. recently, ive felt overcome by a wave of what might be called insignificance or perhaps humility. now, those that know me will probably know that i am not the most humble of creatures. ive strived this last year to take a step down from a pedestal that ive placed myself on the past few years. much of my introspection has been devoted to the study of my personal leap of faith as an atheist and the equivalence of any leaps of faith in any religios system. this year i determined that i believe no belief system to be superior to any other and that the interesting part of the belief is not the belief itself but the way in which we all make the leaps we do. i believe no matter how little attention we pay to what we believe there is a leap that must be made simply because we must think. to me, the interesting part is that currently i cannot understand the leaps of others whose belief systems differ strongly from my own.
what is going through one's head when they accept the existence of god? even though i at one point believed in a god, i cannot understand how an adult makes such a leap as i was only 13-16 when i last believed. yet i don't believe a belief in god to be any more ridiculous than a lack there of. we're all in the same pot in my book.
however, even more interesting is how one comes to accept christianity or islam or judaism over other religions. which text is the right one? how does one even summon the audacity to select a faith and to defend it against others? i earnestly wish that i could answer these questions. i have an intense desire to talk with people about their faiths, to read the holy texts just to try to understand what a leap of faith is--for in it is something distinctly human, something necessary, mysterious, courageous, contradictory, polemical, and beautiful.
it has been a long time since ive doubted what i believe. i dont suppose "doubt" really covers the concept. in a sense, what i have come to believe preaches that any belief must and always will be accompanied/plagued by fallibily (and in my opinion probably incorrectness). yet to truly believe something, one must assert ones' belief as correct and in doing so invalidate (at least some) other contradictory believes. in lies all hope. in lies all conflict. to believe anything is to disagree with others, and yet there can be no other option. it is a difficult if not impossible thing to truly accept the believes of others while believing in one's own philosophy. that's an ugly situation if ive ever heard one.
none of this would be a big deal if there weren't something at stake, which, in this case, i suppose would be our humanity. however again there can be no humanity without belief. in which lies the problem.
however, the bright side is that im more eager to listen than i ever have been. i feel like im more equipped to recognize my own stupidity than i ever have been. for me, acceptance of my own fallibity has and continues to be the key. i would like for a period of time to remove myself from my believes simply to accomplish a sort of functional humility or skepticism--whatever you want to call it.
ive been reading a piece of modern christian literature lately. it has in no way made a believer of me, but i find something appealing in its utter foreignness. what the author believes is something i dont believe myself capable of believing.
something ive been thinking a great deal about is the capability of belief--is there really such a thing? do we decide what we believe or do we just believe what we must? or is this all really just a chicken or the egg thing? can one consciously choose a path that will lead to some sort of belief--something fuzzy but still in the ballpark of what one might expect--or are we powerless to control our beliefs? god or no god, the question remains relevant. there of course are forces--such as our genetic disposition, our conscious perception, or our life experience--that most likely limit our "freedom of choice." as far as belief goes, i think it all goes back to where we make our leap of faith, where we place our chips, where we start our foundations, yada, yada, yada.
it is the most fundamental questions that may be destined to go unanswered.
however, i do think im getting to the point where i can begin to understand what it means to be tolerant, or at least what id like for it to mean to be tolerant. even if i think you're wrong and you think i'm wrong, we can both readily accept the possibility that we are both equally wrong and that as far as we know that is the case. i guess this what tolerance should mean in my opinion.
but i suppose i could be wrong.