X-Files: Foxy Horror Picture Show - Part III
[Suddenly Deep Freeze alarms go off and the freezer door opens. Spank-N-Wiener screams as he pulls Sculky away from the door and back against the wall. Doggie crashes out of the ice, riding a motorcycle. Spendumbia claps his hands and squeals in delight.]
SPENDUMBIA
Doggie!
[Runs to him]
HOT WHITE T-SHIRT
(Sung to the tune of "Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul")
DOGGIE
Whatever happened to Friday night prime?
When the show was a hit at nine our time.
It's just not the same on Sunday night.
Even Lawless and Elwes couldn't make it right.
Kersh came along and put me in the basement,
Like I would make a decent replacement
For agent Fox, who was no longer in sight.
Then Monica came along to my greatest delight.
She made me feel good, willingly trusting me outright.
[Energetically plays his guitar. The audience dances in time to the music]
DOGGIE
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm not the fox, but I'm still a prize.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm a better lay than those FBIs.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I've finally realized that I like guys.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, bend over for me and get your surprise.
[Langenta and Friff-Fraff step into the freezer and begin dancing with each other. Doggie hands his guitar to Mulder and climbs back on his motorcycle, revving it up as he sings. Mulder shifts the guitar to one side, and then looks up again at Doggie, not wanting to miss any of the show. Spank-N-Wiener looks perturbed to see Sculky gazing at Doggie in fascination]
DOGGIE
My head used to swim from the closeness I felt,
When she sang whale songs, I was ready to melt.
But then a super soldier came, made her feel svelte.
So Monica left, and I had to search for someone new.
I found Jeffrey among the old crew.
We talked for awhile, and our interest grew.
We started hugging and kissing, and getting it on
He rocked my world; it was our final denouement.
[Spank-N-Wiener drags Sculky over to the elevator and locks her inside. Then strides angrily to the freezer and pulls Friff-Fraff and Langenta apart. Walks out with a pick axe hidden behind his back, an evil grin on his face]
DOGGIE
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm not the fox, but I'm still a prize.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm a better lay, than those FBI's.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I've finally realized that I like guys.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, bend over for me and get your surprise!
[Doggie rides his motorcycle up through the throng of people along the ramp, while the crowd leaps aside to avoid getting run over. He rides back to the main floor and notices Spank-N-Wiener approaching. Horror dawns on his face and he tries to run. Spank-N-Wiener traps him in the freezer and attacks him. The crowd screams, then falls silent, until Spendumbia's wailing is the only sound in the entire room. Finally, Spank-N-Wiener steps out of the freezer, looking haggard, his gloves covered with blood]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Trying to make light of it]
One from the vaults.
[He holds his hands out for Langenta to pull the gloves off. The crowd laughs, a bit nervously. Sculky bangs angrily on the bars of her makeshift cage. Spank-N-Wiener rushes over to release her]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh Baby! Don't be upset... it was a mercy killing.
[Sculky gives him a disbelieving look]
SPANK-N-WIENER
He looked really good in tight white shirts, but he had none of your... charm.
[Smiles consolingly and trails a hand soothingly on Sculky's arm. Sculky
smiles her forgiveness and pulls him close]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Happily]
Oh!
[They walk marriage-style down the aisle, toward a curtained-off section of wall. Wedding music follows them, as the crowd throws confetti]
GUESTS
Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah!
*****************
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, blowing tiny smoke swastikas]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. Well, there are those who say that cigarettes can kill you, too...not to mention ungrateful former proteges. I say let them try! Bwahaha...koff koff koff...
[Takes deep drag of cigarette]
Well, if all that reality crap is true, then Fox and Alex are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his, ah...
[Makes face of distaste]
bridal suite...had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.
[SCENE: Krycek's bedroom. Krycek is in bed. Spank-N-Wiener enters, disguised as Mulder]
KRYCEK
Who is it? Who's there?
SPANK-N-WIENER [As Mulder]
It's only me, Alex.
KRYCEK
Mulder! Well, aren't you going to hit me or something?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Sliding into bed next to him]
I'd rather do THIS...
KRYCEK
Ohh!...oh, yeah, Mulder...I can't believe it...
[Runs his fingers through "Mulder's" hair; it comes off in his hand to reveal the bald head of Spank-N-Wiener]
YOU?!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'm afraid so, Ratboy, now roll over...
KRYCEK
Goddammit, where's my gun? What have you done with Mulder??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, well, nothing yet. Why, do you think I should?
KRYCEK
If you hurt him, I'll --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, just shut up and look pretty ...Mulder's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...THIS?
[He yanks Krycek onto his back with his legs straight up in the air]
KRYCEK
What the --! Get away from me!
[He punches Spank-N-Wiener in the chest]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Punches him back, hard. Krycek doubles up in pain]
I'm not finished with you yet, boy!
[Krycek flees out the door]
I'll set the dogs on you!
[SCENE: Spank-N-Wiener's bedchamber. Sculky is chained to the bed, thumbing through Cosmopolitan's special Naked Dead Guys issue and looking bored]
FRIFF-FRAFF
My goddess! What has he done to you?
[He unlocks her]
Come -- I'll take you away from all this.
SCULKY
You're strangely attractive, for a little troll. Then again, I won't have to wear six-inch stiletto heels to kiss you.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[His eyes glazing over at the words "six-inch stiletto heels"]
Mmnngghh.
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Mulder is in bed. Spank-N-Wiener enters, disguised as Krycek]
SPANK-N-WIENER [As Krycek]
Mulder, we've gotta get out of here! They'll torture us...or worse!
MULDER
[Grabs Spank-N-Wiener by the front of his shirt]
What are you up to now, Krycek?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Sliding into bed next to him]
Oh, Mulder, you're so strong and protective!
MULDER
Huh?? What the hell has gotten into...*ohhh*...oh yeah, Alex, that's so...YOU?!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'm afraid so, Fox, but isn't it nice...
MULDER
Why you --!
[Shoving Spank-N-Wiener back against the wall]
What have you done with Alex??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
[Mulder headbutts him]
Oh, Fox, your head is so *hard*!
MULDER
That's because I thought you were Alex! Um, I mean...not that I like him in that way...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, just shut up and look pretty...Alex is probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...THIS?
[He yanks Mulder onto his back with his legs straight up in the air]
MULDER
Maybe I do...Oh my God, but he...now I'm tormented by guilt and indecision! Is it fate? Destiny? The inexplicable course of human events that intertwines our paths? Is all life just a cosmic rendering of --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well, you're just a big ball of fun! I'm going back to Sculky!
[He exits in a huff]
[SCENE: Friff-Fraff and Sculky in a closet, making out]
[SCENE: Krycek running through the rain, a pack of dogs at his heels]
[SCENE: Langenta and Spendumbia, sharing a joint while watching everything on the monitors]
[SCENE: Mulder alone, wandering through the castle hallways]
MULDER
What's happening here? Where's everybody? Where's Alex? Have they taken him just like they took my sister??
[He hears groaning coming from the bedroom. Inside, he finds Krycek hiding in his bed, bruised and bleeding]
MULDER
Alex, you're hurt! What have they done to you? Not the anal probe, I hope!
[Under his breath]
I was saving that one for myself.
KRYCEK
It's okay...I'm fine.
MULDER
You sure are, even with that stupid-ass haircut!
[He starts ripping up his boxer shorts to make bandages]
Come here, I'll dress your wounds...
[He puts his hand on Krycek's arm. At the touch, they both freeze, staring into each other's eyes. Slowly, Krycek reaches out and covers Mulder's hand with his own. Mulder's pouty lips curve upwards into a smile]
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, reading "Machiavellian World Domination for Dummies"]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Erection: stiffness, engorgement, agitation and tension of the male organ...vehement or excited physical state.
[Takes a deep drag on cigarette, leaving a long, wobbly column of ash]
It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what I, uh I mean, Langenta and Spendumbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Fox and Alex were indeed its slaves.
LANGENTA and SPENDUMBIA
Go for it, Fox!
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
(Sung to the tune of "Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me")
MULDER
I was afraid
I would never get laid...
Just spent my evenings watching porn.
SPENDUMBIA
You mean he...?
LANGENTA
[Makes the international gesture for Jerking Off]
Uh-huh.
MULDER
A real live human partner,
Sucking face and petting...
That only leads to trouble
And sheet wetting.
Now all I want to know, is how to go.
I've drawn his blood but I want more...
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
More, more, more!
[Mulder and Krycek start to touch and caress each other]
MULDER
He'll put up no resistance...
KRYCEK
I want to go the distance...
MULDER
[Pulling off his boxers]
I've got an itch to scratch!
I need assistance...
[Grabs Krycek and pulls him close]
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I want to be dirty...
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Ratboy of the night.
[SCENE: Spendumbia and Langenta by the monitors]
LANGENTA
Pass those cheese curls over here, dude.
MULDER
Then if anything grows,
[Suggestive smile at Krycek]
while you pose,
I'll oil you up and rub you down...
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
Down, down, down!
MULDER
And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction.
You need another hand, and I need action!
[He drags Krycek down on top of him]
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I want to be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Ratboy of the night!
[SCENE: Spendumbia and Langenta by the monitors, laughing like maniacs]
[SCENE: Friff-Fraff and Sculky, in closet]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me!
SCULKY
I want to be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
FRIFF-FRAFF
Vixen of the night!
[SCENE: Mulder and Krycek, rolling around on the bed]
KRYCEK
Mulder Mulder Mulder FUCK me!
C'mon I'm so horny
Jump me, pump me, just FILL ME
Hammer me all night!
MULDER
You're so hot and tight!
SPENDUMBIA
I'm higher than a kite!
LANGENTA
This weed is out of sight!
FRIFF-FRAFF
Baby, who needs height?
SCULKY
You da man, all right!
MULDER and KRYCEK
WE'RE GONNA IGNITE!!
[SCENE: Spank-N-Wiener, in his bedchamber, staring at empty bed]
SPANK-N-WIENER
My creature's taken flight!
[Whipping Spendumbia and Langenta]
How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
[In fits of uncontrollable giggles]
Hey, man...there was a better show...
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Post-coital, Mulder and Krycek are in each other's arms]
ONCE IN A WHILE
(Sung to the tune of "Once in a While")
MULDER
Once in a while, he won't want to bother
Telling you the truth.
And once in your life, he might kill your father.
You look around,
The one you found, he is gone.
And that's all the time it takes
For a heart to turn to stone.
The sweeter the wine, the harder it is to find
Those cigarette butts in his car
And lose the one you thought you'd known.
KRYCEK
So baby don't pout like there's no tomorrow.
After tonight it's a brand new day.
There'll be no more pain, and no more sorrow
And you won't come to any harm
Here in my - uh - arm.
MULDER
Just let your head go south
And use that mouth, it'll be OK.
MULDER and KRYCEK
And that's all the time it takes
For a heart to beat again.
So give me a sign
That a lover makes.
You look around
The one you've found is back again.
*****************
[SCENE: Downstairs, by the monitors of the castle exterior]
SPENDUMBIA
Master, master...there's an earthling...I mean a visitor at the front door.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[On the monitor, he views his visitor, who is in a wheelchair]
It's Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
[Spank-N-Wiener goes to front door and opens it]
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Good evening. I'm looking for --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Mulder! I knew he was a plant of some kind!
LANGENTA
Whoa...Mulder's a plant? Man, that hybrid DNA must be freakier than I thought.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Not that kind of plant, you pot-besotted boghead! No, he came here with a purpose.
[To Dr. Well-Manicured Man]
He works for your government, doesn't he? He's attached to the bureau of investigations of that which you call UFOs! Isn't that right??
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Quite possibly. But I'm looking for my employee --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well...shall we inquire of him...in person?
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Spank-N-Wiener enters wheeling Dr. Well-Manicured Man, to find Mulder and Krycek in bed together]
KRYCEK
Well, look who's visiting the Batcave!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
[Spank-N-Wiener hears a moan. He throws open the closet door to find Friff-Fraff and Sculky hiding in there together]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
[Mulder smacks Krycek on the ass]
KRYCEK
Ow!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
KRYCEK
*Ow!*
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
KRYCEK
*OW!!*
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
I can assure you that Mulder's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Krycek.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Krycek!
KRYCEK
Spa -- uh, Wiener!
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, thumbing through scrapbook. It is open to a picture labeled "Ratbike of the Month."]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Krycek...Alex Krycek.
KRYCEK
(Sung to the tune of "Eddie")
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
From the day he was hired
He was stubborn.
He was the thorn
In Cancerman's side.
Cancerman tried to tame
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
But he already knew the rules to this game.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
A car bomb missed the kill and he ran
With the DAT tape,
Selling secrets,
Hiding on the streets
Of downtown Hong Kong.
Living like a rat.
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
He was a back-stabbing little brat.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Cheating all sides for no cause.
CHORUS
When Krycek says, "I want something to believe in"
You know it's only you he is deceivin'
And when he offers you assistance
You'd better keep your distance.
SPANK-N-WIENER
What a cad.
MULDER
He killed dad!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Yes, he did.
SPENDUMBIA
Everybody used him
Yet my life was saved by him.
I said aliens were fake
And almost got killed for dad's sake.
But he plammed the grey
Which is why I'm here today.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
He was drawn by power
To make the world cower.
I forced him to agree
Living meant working for me.
MULDER
In what way? In what way?
KRYCEK
I drive him around
I plam lots of grey aliens
I deal with shape shifting rebels
And YOU!
CHORUS
When Krycek says "I want something to believe in"
You know it's only you he is deceivin'
And when he offers you assistance
You'd better keep your distance.
SPANK-N-WIENER
What a cad.
CHORUS
Whoo hoo hoo...
MULDER
He killed dad!
CHORUS
Hey, hey, hey...
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Yes, he did.
*****************
[Langenta appears, dressed in skimpy pants suit with white frilly apron, holding a gong aloft]
LANGENTA
Master, dinner is prepared!
And boy do I have the munchies!
[Langenta bangs the gong. The sound reverberates through the bedroom.
Spank-N-Wiener, Mulder and Krycek wince.]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional!
[He flounces away]
[SCENE: Dinner table, dining room. Spank-N-Wiener stands at the head of the table with Spendumbia and Sculky to his left, and Krycek and Mulder to his right. Dr. Well-Manicured Man is placed at the foot of the table. The mood is somber; no one is looking at each other, except Krycek and Mulder who are sending each other little glances when they think no one is looking. Everyone sits down as Spank-N-Wiener begins using an electric knife to carve the roast. Friff-Fraff takes a wine bottle and goes around the table, filling wine glasses sloppily while sloshing much of it onto the table. Langenta walks around throwing napkins onto their plates. Sculky looks happily at her glass and picks it up. Spank-N-Wiener glares at her and points the buzzing knife her way. Sculky looks away and sets the glass down]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Abruptly starts singing]
Happy Birthday to you!
ALL
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Sculky!
Happy Birthd --
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Cutting them off]
Shall we?
[All stop singing abruptly, and take a drink of their wine. Sculky picks up the meat daintily with her fingers and looks at it suspiciously. Spendumbia elbows her and indicates the utensils. Sculky grabs a fork, comprehension dawning quickly as she stabs the meat and happily starts eating. Mulder takes a bite of meat and frowns. He grabs his wine and takes a deep swallow.]
MULDER
[Softly, to Krycek]
Queequeg had better tasting food than this.
KRYCEK
[Lifts an eye brow at him]
How do you know?
[Mulder makes a face at him]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Glares at them, offended]
It shouldn't taste like dog food; it should taste like pork!
[He pulls the tablecloth from the table, revealing a glass-topped coffin. Inside is the gutted corpse of Doggie, with part of his ribs removed. Spendumbia gasps and cries out. He runs from the room, trying not to be obvious as he wipes tears from his eyes. Sculky runs to Friff-Fraff. Krycek leaps up in horror, brandishing a fork]
MULDER
Is this a normal custom on your planet?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Raises an eyebrow]
Why, what do you mean?
MULDER
I think you know very well what I mean, and I want to see your ship!
[Spank-N-Wiener grabs Mulder's arm and drags him from the room. Krycek hurries after them. Sculky follows, pushing Dr. Well-Manicured Man in his wheelchair]
WISE UP
(Sung to the tune of "Planet, Schmanet, Janet")
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'll tell you now; you're in for some bad shocks.
You better wise up, little Fox!
Stop peeking in Pandora's box!
You better wise up, little Fox.
KRYCEK
*Whose* box??
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
It might behoove you to crack a book every once in awhile, Alex.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Backs Mulder into a corner on the stairs]
You're not all that and a bag of chips.
Despite that bod and those luscious lips,
Your nose is too big
And you're always sticking it into other people's --
KRYCEK
Hey!!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You better wise up, Alex and Fox!
Yeah babies, watch your cocks!
The transducer will seduce ya...
[Spank-N-Wiener pursues Mulder and Krycek into the the transducer room, followed by Sculky and Dr. Well-Manicured Man. Langenta aims the transducer ray at them]
KRYCEK
My feet! I can't move my feet!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
My wheels! I can't move my wheels!
MULDER
It's as if we're glued to the floor!
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to tell me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
MULDER
I see you watch the same late-night TV shows that I do.
KRYCEK
[Struggling] Shit! We're trapped!
SPANK-N-WIENER
It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind fuck can be nice.
KRYCEK
[Eye roll] I prefer the physical kind.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?
KRYCEK
What the hell does *that* mean?
MULDER
Beam me up, Scotty!
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to say...
KRYCEK
She keeps repeating that.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Yes, that phrase had somehow become embedded in her cerebral cortex...I couldn't remove it.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
That's right, Agent Mulder...it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. It seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, even time...itself!
KRYCEK
What -- do you mean -- you're sending us to another planet!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Starts singing again]
Reality check, Krycek!
We came here to colonize your planet, see?
But there's no work ethic at all amongst humanity!
You're sloppy and you're lazy...
MULDER
You're telling me! Even Scully sneaked off and got a tattoo a few years ago.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[Drooling, to Sculky] You show me yours, I'll show you Langenta's!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You better wise up, little Fox!
You better wise up, open your eyes up.
You better --
KRYCEK
Get *away* from him before I --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Don't get all hot and bothered.
You see, I know who fathered -- Oof!
[He is hit on the back of the neck as Krycek flings the fork at his head]
KRYCEK
You're a mean one, but I can be meaner, Spank-N-Wiener!
[Spank-N-Wiener nods to Langenta, who throws the switch on the Medusa machine, transforming Krycek into a statue]
SCULKY
I'd never seen one, but I thought aliens would be greener, Spank-N-Wiener!
[Spank-N-Wiener nods and Langenta throws the switch again, transforming Sculky into a statue]
MULDER
[Opens his mouth to speak]
I --
[Spank-N-Wiener signals instantly and Mulder is transformed into a statue]
SPENDUMBIA
You -- ! And I thought my father was bad! How could you do that to Doggie??
SPANK-N-WIENER
He was a hot Dogg, but I ate him...with relish!
SPENDUMBIA
You're hellish!
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Signals; Spendumbia is transformed]
It's not easy having a good time...and my children turn on me...Sculky's behaving just as Doggie did.
[As he talks, he walks among the statues painting their faces and dressing them up in feathers and sequins]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Come, we are ready for the floor show.
[He has the statues transported to a room with a theater stage, and lines them up behind the curtain. The curtain rises and one by one the statues turn back to humans, each stepping forward on the stage to take their turn singing]
SLASH TINT MY WORLD
(Sung to the tune of "Rose Tint My World")
A. FLOOR SHOW
(Sung to the tune of "Floor Show")
SPENDUMBIA
It was great when it all began...
Dad was evil and Spank was the man.
But then I found out underneath his skin
He was just another alien.
Now I'm gonna go out and cruise,
Find a biker boy with mad tattoos.
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
SCULKY
I'm just seven hours old,
Truly beautiful to behold.
And the worship of a talented troll
Has left my libido uncontrolled.
Cloned from a lonely math geek,
Now I've ascended to passion's peak.
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
MULDER
It's beyond me; Deep Throat,
Help me!
This dangerous and green-eyed
Assassin named Alexei...
He's just so sexy!
What's come over me?
Wo! Here it comes again!
KRYCEK
I feel released, bad times decease,
We lay together in peace; it's almost hard to trust.
The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
No more beating myself one-handed
Now we've shared that rush of lust.
B. EXTREME POSSIBILITIES
(Sung to the tune of "Don't Dream It")
[Fog covers the stage as Spank-N-Wiener sings]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Whatever happened to the FBI?
Those rubber-stamped white men in gray?
Following Hoover
Doing their paperwork
And going home at the end of the day
Oh ...oh!
[As Spank sings, the floorboards part to reveal a swimming pool underneath the stage. He dives in]
MULDER
Give yourself over to
Alternate realities.
Open yourself to
Extreme possibilities.
Forget Cup-O-Soup and nocturnal emissions
Try erotic pleasures in exotic positions.
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh...oh!
[As Mulder sings, Krycek, Sculky and Spendumbia slowly begin to walk toward the pool]
SPENDUMBIA
Love me...don't shove me...
KRYCEK
Stroke me...don't choke me...
SCULKY
Eat me...don't beat me...
MULDER
Lick me...don't trick me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Floating in center of pool]
Drink me...ok, I'm kinky...
[They all dive into the pool and begin to swim around, touching, embracing, fondling, tonguing]
SPENDUMBIA
Ride me...get astride me...
MULDER
Hold me...enfold me...
KRYCEK
Blow me...oh so slowly...
SCULKY
Undress me...then caress me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Strip me...then whip me...
[They all stop for a moment to stare at him]
What? I told you I was kinky!
C. WILD and UNTAMED THING
(Sung to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing")
KRYCEK
[Leaping out of the water]
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!
[Begins to dance]
I'm a wild and untamed thing!
I'm a bee with a deadly sting!
I might wind up in a missile silo
Or looking like the Venus de Milo.
But I went off like a torpedo
When I saw you there in that red Speedo!
Fox tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
MULDER
He's an invertebrate scumsucker.
A real badass motherf -
SPENDUMBIA
Hush your mouth!
MULDER
I'm talkin' bout Ratboy!
[He jumps up onstage beside Krycek and starts dancing]
I'm the idealist who breaks the rules
While he plays everyone for fools.
But he's hotter than a hydrogen bomb,
Even if he's only got one arm.
Rat tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
[The others climb out of the pool. They form a chorus line, and begin high-kicking]
ALL
It's a wild and untamed thing,
Makes your heart thump and your blood sing.
A hot assassin and a sexy G-man
Each hunting for the perfect he-man
Add some Armani, guns and leather
Oh, you know they're meant to come together!
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!
[As they are all singing and dancing, the door suddenly bursts open to reveal Friff-Fraff and Langenta, now revealed as their true alien selves]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Spank-N-Wiener, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure
Your lifestyle's too extreme.
I'm your new commander
You now are my prisoner.
We return to Transylvania,
Prepare the transit beam.
*****************
SPANK-N-WIENER
Wait! I can explain!
[He walks over to the side of the stage and slowly raises the curtain. A small figure is standing on the stage. Spendumbia switches on the spotlight, revealing it to be Samantha Mulder]
MULDER
SAM!!!
I'M COMING HOME
(Sung to the tune of "I'm Going Home")
SAMANTHA
On the day I went away...
CHORUS
Fox! FOX! Save me! Aliens are taking me! AAAIIIEEEE! And don't play with my Barbies while I'm gone!
SAMANTHA
Was all I had to say...
CHORUS
Now I...
SAMANTHA
I want to come again...
MULDER and KRYCEK
[Exchanging looks, whisper to each other]
::Me too!::
SAMANTHA
and stay...
CHORUS
Oh, my, my...
SAMANTHA
Smile, and that will mean I may.
'Cause I've been starlight
But my clothes just
Didn't fit right...
I'm coming home.
MULDER
Sam! SAM! You're alive! You're back!
[He runs to her and they embrace. They sit down on the steps together, Samantha with her head on Mulder's shoulder]
MULDER
Everywhere I've had the same...
CHORUS
...feeling...
MULDER
Everyone thinks I'm insane...
CHORUS
...but so appealing...
MULDER
That black-lunged fiend kept me confused...
CHORUS
...he's a baddie...
MULDER
He knew how much I had to lose
CHORUS
Who's your daddy?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Stalking across the stage and down the aisle of the theater]
Oh, I must say, time flies
With my head between your thighs...
But screw you guys
I'm going home.
LANGENTA
This is some serious shit.
FRIFF-FRAFF
And rather presumptuous of you. When I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I meant Langenta and myself. You are to remain here...in spirit, anyway.
[He pulls out a small black box and points it at Spank-N-Wiener]
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Great heavens! That's a Palm Pilot!
KRYCEK
Rock on!
MULDER
You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
You saw what became of Doggie. Society must be protected.
KRYCEK
Yeah, I'm all about society.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Exactly, Dr. Well-Manicured Man. And now, Spank-N-Wiener, your time has come. Say goodbye to this, and hello...to oblivion!
[Spendumbia screams, and Friff-Fraff points the Palm Pilot at him, killing him instantly. Spank-N-Wiener tries to run but Friff-Fraff advances steadily at him, firing, and drills him between the eyes. Spank-N-Wiener tumbles to the floor in a dead heap]
MULDER
Good God!
SCULKY
Oh! You killed them!
LANGENTA
[To Friff-Fraff]
But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
FRIFF-FRAFF
They didn't like ME! Even Sculky called me a troll!
SCULKY
[Runs to him]
But you're *my* troll.
ALL
Awwwww...
LANGENTA
Gabba gabba hey!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Perhaps it was all for the best...
FRIFF-FRAFF
You should leave now, Dr. Well-Manicured Man, while it is still possible.
We are about to beam this entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go...
[Mulder, Krycek, Samantha and Dr. Well-Manicured Man quickly make their exit from the castle]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Our noble mission is completed.
[To Sculky]
Come, my most beautiful goddess, and soon we shall view the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.
LANGENTA
It's all sex, drugs and rock and roll!
SCULKY
Does anyone give a rat's ass about the Truth?
LANGENTA
Nope!
SCULKY
[Leaps into Friff-Fraff's arms]
I'm there!
[SCENE: Outside the castle gates, Mulder, Krycek, Samantha and Dr. Well-Manicured Man watch as the castle lifts off into the air with a tremendous roar]
TRUTH
(Sung to the tune of "Super Heroes")
MULDER
I've done a lot, God knows I've tried
To find the truth. I've even lied.
But all I know is
[Looks at Krycek]
Now my heart is
CHORUS
Lighter.
KRYCEK
'Cause all these aliens just bring you pain
You have your sister back again
And you're a lover now
[Smiles at Mulder]
Not just a
CHORUS
Fighter.
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, twirling a globe]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race...
Lost in time, and lost in space.
No, wait, that's a different show...
Fuck it...
I need a cigarette.
ALL
Morleys...
FRIDAY EVENING X-FILES (REPRISE)
(Sung to the tune of "Science Fiction, Double Feature")
Chris Carter's vision
Met with derision.
Spank went and lost
His sexy pigeon.
Love has conquered
Fox and Alex.
The aliens gone
With their demon spawn.
Wo, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening
X-Files Show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening
X-Files Show.
SPENDUMBIA
Doggie!
[Runs to him]
HOT WHITE T-SHIRT
(Sung to the tune of "Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul")
DOGGIE
Whatever happened to Friday night prime?
When the show was a hit at nine our time.
It's just not the same on Sunday night.
Even Lawless and Elwes couldn't make it right.
Kersh came along and put me in the basement,
Like I would make a decent replacement
For agent Fox, who was no longer in sight.
Then Monica came along to my greatest delight.
She made me feel good, willingly trusting me outright.
[Energetically plays his guitar. The audience dances in time to the music]
DOGGIE
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm not the fox, but I'm still a prize.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm a better lay than those FBIs.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I've finally realized that I like guys.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, bend over for me and get your surprise.
[Langenta and Friff-Fraff step into the freezer and begin dancing with each other. Doggie hands his guitar to Mulder and climbs back on his motorcycle, revving it up as he sings. Mulder shifts the guitar to one side, and then looks up again at Doggie, not wanting to miss any of the show. Spank-N-Wiener looks perturbed to see Sculky gazing at Doggie in fascination]
DOGGIE
My head used to swim from the closeness I felt,
When she sang whale songs, I was ready to melt.
But then a super soldier came, made her feel svelte.
So Monica left, and I had to search for someone new.
I found Jeffrey among the old crew.
We talked for awhile, and our interest grew.
We started hugging and kissing, and getting it on
He rocked my world; it was our final denouement.
[Spank-N-Wiener drags Sculky over to the elevator and locks her inside. Then strides angrily to the freezer and pulls Friff-Fraff and Langenta apart. Walks out with a pick axe hidden behind his back, an evil grin on his face]
DOGGIE
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm not the fox, but I'm still a prize.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm a better lay, than those FBI's.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I've finally realized that I like guys.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, bend over for me and get your surprise!
[Doggie rides his motorcycle up through the throng of people along the ramp, while the crowd leaps aside to avoid getting run over. He rides back to the main floor and notices Spank-N-Wiener approaching. Horror dawns on his face and he tries to run. Spank-N-Wiener traps him in the freezer and attacks him. The crowd screams, then falls silent, until Spendumbia's wailing is the only sound in the entire room. Finally, Spank-N-Wiener steps out of the freezer, looking haggard, his gloves covered with blood]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Trying to make light of it]
One from the vaults.
[He holds his hands out for Langenta to pull the gloves off. The crowd laughs, a bit nervously. Sculky bangs angrily on the bars of her makeshift cage. Spank-N-Wiener rushes over to release her]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh Baby! Don't be upset... it was a mercy killing.
[Sculky gives him a disbelieving look]
SPANK-N-WIENER
He looked really good in tight white shirts, but he had none of your... charm.
[Smiles consolingly and trails a hand soothingly on Sculky's arm. Sculky
smiles her forgiveness and pulls him close]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Happily]
Oh!
[They walk marriage-style down the aisle, toward a curtained-off section of wall. Wedding music follows them, as the crowd throws confetti]
GUESTS
Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah!
*****************
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, blowing tiny smoke swastikas]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. Well, there are those who say that cigarettes can kill you, too...not to mention ungrateful former proteges. I say let them try! Bwahaha...koff koff koff...
[Takes deep drag of cigarette]
Well, if all that reality crap is true, then Fox and Alex are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his, ah...
[Makes face of distaste]
bridal suite...had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.
[SCENE: Krycek's bedroom. Krycek is in bed. Spank-N-Wiener enters, disguised as Mulder]
KRYCEK
Who is it? Who's there?
SPANK-N-WIENER [As Mulder]
It's only me, Alex.
KRYCEK
Mulder! Well, aren't you going to hit me or something?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Sliding into bed next to him]
I'd rather do THIS...
KRYCEK
Ohh!...oh, yeah, Mulder...I can't believe it...
[Runs his fingers through "Mulder's" hair; it comes off in his hand to reveal the bald head of Spank-N-Wiener]
YOU?!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'm afraid so, Ratboy, now roll over...
KRYCEK
Goddammit, where's my gun? What have you done with Mulder??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, well, nothing yet. Why, do you think I should?
KRYCEK
If you hurt him, I'll --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, just shut up and look pretty ...Mulder's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...THIS?
[He yanks Krycek onto his back with his legs straight up in the air]
KRYCEK
What the --! Get away from me!
[He punches Spank-N-Wiener in the chest]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Punches him back, hard. Krycek doubles up in pain]
I'm not finished with you yet, boy!
[Krycek flees out the door]
I'll set the dogs on you!
[SCENE: Spank-N-Wiener's bedchamber. Sculky is chained to the bed, thumbing through Cosmopolitan's special Naked Dead Guys issue and looking bored]
FRIFF-FRAFF
My goddess! What has he done to you?
[He unlocks her]
Come -- I'll take you away from all this.
SCULKY
You're strangely attractive, for a little troll. Then again, I won't have to wear six-inch stiletto heels to kiss you.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[His eyes glazing over at the words "six-inch stiletto heels"]
Mmnngghh.
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Mulder is in bed. Spank-N-Wiener enters, disguised as Krycek]
SPANK-N-WIENER [As Krycek]
Mulder, we've gotta get out of here! They'll torture us...or worse!
MULDER
[Grabs Spank-N-Wiener by the front of his shirt]
What are you up to now, Krycek?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Sliding into bed next to him]
Oh, Mulder, you're so strong and protective!
MULDER
Huh?? What the hell has gotten into...*ohhh*...oh yeah, Alex, that's so...YOU?!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'm afraid so, Fox, but isn't it nice...
MULDER
Why you --!
[Shoving Spank-N-Wiener back against the wall]
What have you done with Alex??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
[Mulder headbutts him]
Oh, Fox, your head is so *hard*!
MULDER
That's because I thought you were Alex! Um, I mean...not that I like him in that way...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, just shut up and look pretty...Alex is probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...THIS?
[He yanks Mulder onto his back with his legs straight up in the air]
MULDER
Maybe I do...Oh my God, but he...now I'm tormented by guilt and indecision! Is it fate? Destiny? The inexplicable course of human events that intertwines our paths? Is all life just a cosmic rendering of --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well, you're just a big ball of fun! I'm going back to Sculky!
[He exits in a huff]
[SCENE: Friff-Fraff and Sculky in a closet, making out]
[SCENE: Krycek running through the rain, a pack of dogs at his heels]
[SCENE: Langenta and Spendumbia, sharing a joint while watching everything on the monitors]
[SCENE: Mulder alone, wandering through the castle hallways]
MULDER
What's happening here? Where's everybody? Where's Alex? Have they taken him just like they took my sister??
[He hears groaning coming from the bedroom. Inside, he finds Krycek hiding in his bed, bruised and bleeding]
MULDER
Alex, you're hurt! What have they done to you? Not the anal probe, I hope!
[Under his breath]
I was saving that one for myself.
KRYCEK
It's okay...I'm fine.
MULDER
You sure are, even with that stupid-ass haircut!
[He starts ripping up his boxer shorts to make bandages]
Come here, I'll dress your wounds...
[He puts his hand on Krycek's arm. At the touch, they both freeze, staring into each other's eyes. Slowly, Krycek reaches out and covers Mulder's hand with his own. Mulder's pouty lips curve upwards into a smile]
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, reading "Machiavellian World Domination for Dummies"]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Erection: stiffness, engorgement, agitation and tension of the male organ...vehement or excited physical state.
[Takes a deep drag on cigarette, leaving a long, wobbly column of ash]
It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what I, uh I mean, Langenta and Spendumbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Fox and Alex were indeed its slaves.
LANGENTA and SPENDUMBIA
Go for it, Fox!
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
(Sung to the tune of "Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me")
MULDER
I was afraid
I would never get laid...
Just spent my evenings watching porn.
SPENDUMBIA
You mean he...?
LANGENTA
[Makes the international gesture for Jerking Off]
Uh-huh.
MULDER
A real live human partner,
Sucking face and petting...
That only leads to trouble
And sheet wetting.
Now all I want to know, is how to go.
I've drawn his blood but I want more...
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
More, more, more!
[Mulder and Krycek start to touch and caress each other]
MULDER
He'll put up no resistance...
KRYCEK
I want to go the distance...
MULDER
[Pulling off his boxers]
I've got an itch to scratch!
I need assistance...
[Grabs Krycek and pulls him close]
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I want to be dirty...
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Ratboy of the night.
[SCENE: Spendumbia and Langenta by the monitors]
LANGENTA
Pass those cheese curls over here, dude.
MULDER
Then if anything grows,
[Suggestive smile at Krycek]
while you pose,
I'll oil you up and rub you down...
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
Down, down, down!
MULDER
And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction.
You need another hand, and I need action!
[He drags Krycek down on top of him]
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I want to be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Ratboy of the night!
[SCENE: Spendumbia and Langenta by the monitors, laughing like maniacs]
[SCENE: Friff-Fraff and Sculky, in closet]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me!
SCULKY
I want to be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
FRIFF-FRAFF
Vixen of the night!
[SCENE: Mulder and Krycek, rolling around on the bed]
KRYCEK
Mulder Mulder Mulder FUCK me!
C'mon I'm so horny
Jump me, pump me, just FILL ME
Hammer me all night!
MULDER
You're so hot and tight!
SPENDUMBIA
I'm higher than a kite!
LANGENTA
This weed is out of sight!
FRIFF-FRAFF
Baby, who needs height?
SCULKY
You da man, all right!
MULDER and KRYCEK
WE'RE GONNA IGNITE!!
[SCENE: Spank-N-Wiener, in his bedchamber, staring at empty bed]
SPANK-N-WIENER
My creature's taken flight!
[Whipping Spendumbia and Langenta]
How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
[In fits of uncontrollable giggles]
Hey, man...there was a better show...
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Post-coital, Mulder and Krycek are in each other's arms]
ONCE IN A WHILE
(Sung to the tune of "Once in a While")
MULDER
Once in a while, he won't want to bother
Telling you the truth.
And once in your life, he might kill your father.
You look around,
The one you found, he is gone.
And that's all the time it takes
For a heart to turn to stone.
The sweeter the wine, the harder it is to find
Those cigarette butts in his car
And lose the one you thought you'd known.
KRYCEK
So baby don't pout like there's no tomorrow.
After tonight it's a brand new day.
There'll be no more pain, and no more sorrow
And you won't come to any harm
Here in my - uh - arm.
MULDER
Just let your head go south
And use that mouth, it'll be OK.
MULDER and KRYCEK
And that's all the time it takes
For a heart to beat again.
So give me a sign
That a lover makes.
You look around
The one you've found is back again.
*****************
[SCENE: Downstairs, by the monitors of the castle exterior]
SPENDUMBIA
Master, master...there's an earthling...I mean a visitor at the front door.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[On the monitor, he views his visitor, who is in a wheelchair]
It's Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
[Spank-N-Wiener goes to front door and opens it]
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Good evening. I'm looking for --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Mulder! I knew he was a plant of some kind!
LANGENTA
Whoa...Mulder's a plant? Man, that hybrid DNA must be freakier than I thought.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Not that kind of plant, you pot-besotted boghead! No, he came here with a purpose.
[To Dr. Well-Manicured Man]
He works for your government, doesn't he? He's attached to the bureau of investigations of that which you call UFOs! Isn't that right??
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Quite possibly. But I'm looking for my employee --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well...shall we inquire of him...in person?
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Spank-N-Wiener enters wheeling Dr. Well-Manicured Man, to find Mulder and Krycek in bed together]
KRYCEK
Well, look who's visiting the Batcave!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
[Spank-N-Wiener hears a moan. He throws open the closet door to find Friff-Fraff and Sculky hiding in there together]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
[Mulder smacks Krycek on the ass]
KRYCEK
Ow!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
KRYCEK
*Ow!*
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
KRYCEK
*OW!!*
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
I can assure you that Mulder's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Krycek.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Krycek!
KRYCEK
Spa -- uh, Wiener!
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, thumbing through scrapbook. It is open to a picture labeled "Ratbike of the Month."]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Krycek...Alex Krycek.
KRYCEK
(Sung to the tune of "Eddie")
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
From the day he was hired
He was stubborn.
He was the thorn
In Cancerman's side.
Cancerman tried to tame
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
But he already knew the rules to this game.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
A car bomb missed the kill and he ran
With the DAT tape,
Selling secrets,
Hiding on the streets
Of downtown Hong Kong.
Living like a rat.
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
He was a back-stabbing little brat.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Cheating all sides for no cause.
CHORUS
When Krycek says, "I want something to believe in"
You know it's only you he is deceivin'
And when he offers you assistance
You'd better keep your distance.
SPANK-N-WIENER
What a cad.
MULDER
He killed dad!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Yes, he did.
SPENDUMBIA
Everybody used him
Yet my life was saved by him.
I said aliens were fake
And almost got killed for dad's sake.
But he plammed the grey
Which is why I'm here today.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
He was drawn by power
To make the world cower.
I forced him to agree
Living meant working for me.
MULDER
In what way? In what way?
KRYCEK
I drive him around
I plam lots of grey aliens
I deal with shape shifting rebels
And YOU!
CHORUS
When Krycek says "I want something to believe in"
You know it's only you he is deceivin'
And when he offers you assistance
You'd better keep your distance.
SPANK-N-WIENER
What a cad.
CHORUS
Whoo hoo hoo...
MULDER
He killed dad!
CHORUS
Hey, hey, hey...
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Yes, he did.
*****************
[Langenta appears, dressed in skimpy pants suit with white frilly apron, holding a gong aloft]
LANGENTA
Master, dinner is prepared!
And boy do I have the munchies!
[Langenta bangs the gong. The sound reverberates through the bedroom.
Spank-N-Wiener, Mulder and Krycek wince.]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional!
[He flounces away]
[SCENE: Dinner table, dining room. Spank-N-Wiener stands at the head of the table with Spendumbia and Sculky to his left, and Krycek and Mulder to his right. Dr. Well-Manicured Man is placed at the foot of the table. The mood is somber; no one is looking at each other, except Krycek and Mulder who are sending each other little glances when they think no one is looking. Everyone sits down as Spank-N-Wiener begins using an electric knife to carve the roast. Friff-Fraff takes a wine bottle and goes around the table, filling wine glasses sloppily while sloshing much of it onto the table. Langenta walks around throwing napkins onto their plates. Sculky looks happily at her glass and picks it up. Spank-N-Wiener glares at her and points the buzzing knife her way. Sculky looks away and sets the glass down]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Abruptly starts singing]
Happy Birthday to you!
ALL
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Sculky!
Happy Birthd --
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Cutting them off]
Shall we?
[All stop singing abruptly, and take a drink of their wine. Sculky picks up the meat daintily with her fingers and looks at it suspiciously. Spendumbia elbows her and indicates the utensils. Sculky grabs a fork, comprehension dawning quickly as she stabs the meat and happily starts eating. Mulder takes a bite of meat and frowns. He grabs his wine and takes a deep swallow.]
MULDER
[Softly, to Krycek]
Queequeg had better tasting food than this.
KRYCEK
[Lifts an eye brow at him]
How do you know?
[Mulder makes a face at him]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Glares at them, offended]
It shouldn't taste like dog food; it should taste like pork!
[He pulls the tablecloth from the table, revealing a glass-topped coffin. Inside is the gutted corpse of Doggie, with part of his ribs removed. Spendumbia gasps and cries out. He runs from the room, trying not to be obvious as he wipes tears from his eyes. Sculky runs to Friff-Fraff. Krycek leaps up in horror, brandishing a fork]
MULDER
Is this a normal custom on your planet?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Raises an eyebrow]
Why, what do you mean?
MULDER
I think you know very well what I mean, and I want to see your ship!
[Spank-N-Wiener grabs Mulder's arm and drags him from the room. Krycek hurries after them. Sculky follows, pushing Dr. Well-Manicured Man in his wheelchair]
WISE UP
(Sung to the tune of "Planet, Schmanet, Janet")
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'll tell you now; you're in for some bad shocks.
You better wise up, little Fox!
Stop peeking in Pandora's box!
You better wise up, little Fox.
KRYCEK
*Whose* box??
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
It might behoove you to crack a book every once in awhile, Alex.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Backs Mulder into a corner on the stairs]
You're not all that and a bag of chips.
Despite that bod and those luscious lips,
Your nose is too big
And you're always sticking it into other people's --
KRYCEK
Hey!!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You better wise up, Alex and Fox!
Yeah babies, watch your cocks!
The transducer will seduce ya...
[Spank-N-Wiener pursues Mulder and Krycek into the the transducer room, followed by Sculky and Dr. Well-Manicured Man. Langenta aims the transducer ray at them]
KRYCEK
My feet! I can't move my feet!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
My wheels! I can't move my wheels!
MULDER
It's as if we're glued to the floor!
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to tell me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
MULDER
I see you watch the same late-night TV shows that I do.
KRYCEK
[Struggling] Shit! We're trapped!
SPANK-N-WIENER
It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind fuck can be nice.
KRYCEK
[Eye roll] I prefer the physical kind.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?
KRYCEK
What the hell does *that* mean?
MULDER
Beam me up, Scotty!
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to say...
KRYCEK
She keeps repeating that.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Yes, that phrase had somehow become embedded in her cerebral cortex...I couldn't remove it.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
That's right, Agent Mulder...it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. It seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, even time...itself!
KRYCEK
What -- do you mean -- you're sending us to another planet!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Starts singing again]
Reality check, Krycek!
We came here to colonize your planet, see?
But there's no work ethic at all amongst humanity!
You're sloppy and you're lazy...
MULDER
You're telling me! Even Scully sneaked off and got a tattoo a few years ago.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[Drooling, to Sculky] You show me yours, I'll show you Langenta's!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You better wise up, little Fox!
You better wise up, open your eyes up.
You better --
KRYCEK
Get *away* from him before I --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Don't get all hot and bothered.
You see, I know who fathered -- Oof!
[He is hit on the back of the neck as Krycek flings the fork at his head]
KRYCEK
You're a mean one, but I can be meaner, Spank-N-Wiener!
[Spank-N-Wiener nods to Langenta, who throws the switch on the Medusa machine, transforming Krycek into a statue]
SCULKY
I'd never seen one, but I thought aliens would be greener, Spank-N-Wiener!
[Spank-N-Wiener nods and Langenta throws the switch again, transforming Sculky into a statue]
MULDER
[Opens his mouth to speak]
I --
[Spank-N-Wiener signals instantly and Mulder is transformed into a statue]
SPENDUMBIA
You -- ! And I thought my father was bad! How could you do that to Doggie??
SPANK-N-WIENER
He was a hot Dogg, but I ate him...with relish!
SPENDUMBIA
You're hellish!
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Signals; Spendumbia is transformed]
It's not easy having a good time...and my children turn on me...Sculky's behaving just as Doggie did.
[As he talks, he walks among the statues painting their faces and dressing them up in feathers and sequins]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Come, we are ready for the floor show.
[He has the statues transported to a room with a theater stage, and lines them up behind the curtain. The curtain rises and one by one the statues turn back to humans, each stepping forward on the stage to take their turn singing]
SLASH TINT MY WORLD
(Sung to the tune of "Rose Tint My World")
A. FLOOR SHOW
(Sung to the tune of "Floor Show")
SPENDUMBIA
It was great when it all began...
Dad was evil and Spank was the man.
But then I found out underneath his skin
He was just another alien.
Now I'm gonna go out and cruise,
Find a biker boy with mad tattoos.
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
SCULKY
I'm just seven hours old,
Truly beautiful to behold.
And the worship of a talented troll
Has left my libido uncontrolled.
Cloned from a lonely math geek,
Now I've ascended to passion's peak.
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
MULDER
It's beyond me; Deep Throat,
Help me!
This dangerous and green-eyed
Assassin named Alexei...
He's just so sexy!
What's come over me?
Wo! Here it comes again!
KRYCEK
I feel released, bad times decease,
We lay together in peace; it's almost hard to trust.
The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
No more beating myself one-handed
Now we've shared that rush of lust.
B. EXTREME POSSIBILITIES
(Sung to the tune of "Don't Dream It")
[Fog covers the stage as Spank-N-Wiener sings]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Whatever happened to the FBI?
Those rubber-stamped white men in gray?
Following Hoover
Doing their paperwork
And going home at the end of the day
Oh ...oh!
[As Spank sings, the floorboards part to reveal a swimming pool underneath the stage. He dives in]
MULDER
Give yourself over to
Alternate realities.
Open yourself to
Extreme possibilities.
Forget Cup-O-Soup and nocturnal emissions
Try erotic pleasures in exotic positions.
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh...oh!
[As Mulder sings, Krycek, Sculky and Spendumbia slowly begin to walk toward the pool]
SPENDUMBIA
Love me...don't shove me...
KRYCEK
Stroke me...don't choke me...
SCULKY
Eat me...don't beat me...
MULDER
Lick me...don't trick me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Floating in center of pool]
Drink me...ok, I'm kinky...
[They all dive into the pool and begin to swim around, touching, embracing, fondling, tonguing]
SPENDUMBIA
Ride me...get astride me...
MULDER
Hold me...enfold me...
KRYCEK
Blow me...oh so slowly...
SCULKY
Undress me...then caress me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Strip me...then whip me...
[They all stop for a moment to stare at him]
What? I told you I was kinky!
C. WILD and UNTAMED THING
(Sung to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing")
KRYCEK
[Leaping out of the water]
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!
[Begins to dance]
I'm a wild and untamed thing!
I'm a bee with a deadly sting!
I might wind up in a missile silo
Or looking like the Venus de Milo.
But I went off like a torpedo
When I saw you there in that red Speedo!
Fox tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
MULDER
He's an invertebrate scumsucker.
A real badass motherf -
SPENDUMBIA
Hush your mouth!
MULDER
I'm talkin' bout Ratboy!
[He jumps up onstage beside Krycek and starts dancing]
I'm the idealist who breaks the rules
While he plays everyone for fools.
But he's hotter than a hydrogen bomb,
Even if he's only got one arm.
Rat tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
[The others climb out of the pool. They form a chorus line, and begin high-kicking]
ALL
It's a wild and untamed thing,
Makes your heart thump and your blood sing.
A hot assassin and a sexy G-man
Each hunting for the perfect he-man
Add some Armani, guns and leather
Oh, you know they're meant to come together!
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!
[As they are all singing and dancing, the door suddenly bursts open to reveal Friff-Fraff and Langenta, now revealed as their true alien selves]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Spank-N-Wiener, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure
Your lifestyle's too extreme.
I'm your new commander
You now are my prisoner.
We return to Transylvania,
Prepare the transit beam.
*****************
SPANK-N-WIENER
Wait! I can explain!
[He walks over to the side of the stage and slowly raises the curtain. A small figure is standing on the stage. Spendumbia switches on the spotlight, revealing it to be Samantha Mulder]
MULDER
SAM!!!
I'M COMING HOME
(Sung to the tune of "I'm Going Home")
SAMANTHA
On the day I went away...
CHORUS
Fox! FOX! Save me! Aliens are taking me! AAAIIIEEEE! And don't play with my Barbies while I'm gone!
SAMANTHA
Was all I had to say...
CHORUS
Now I...
SAMANTHA
I want to come again...
MULDER and KRYCEK
[Exchanging looks, whisper to each other]
::Me too!::
SAMANTHA
and stay...
CHORUS
Oh, my, my...
SAMANTHA
Smile, and that will mean I may.
'Cause I've been starlight
But my clothes just
Didn't fit right...
I'm coming home.
MULDER
Sam! SAM! You're alive! You're back!
[He runs to her and they embrace. They sit down on the steps together, Samantha with her head on Mulder's shoulder]
MULDER
Everywhere I've had the same...
CHORUS
...feeling...
MULDER
Everyone thinks I'm insane...
CHORUS
...but so appealing...
MULDER
That black-lunged fiend kept me confused...
CHORUS
...he's a baddie...
MULDER
He knew how much I had to lose
CHORUS
Who's your daddy?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Stalking across the stage and down the aisle of the theater]
Oh, I must say, time flies
With my head between your thighs...
But screw you guys
I'm going home.
LANGENTA
This is some serious shit.
FRIFF-FRAFF
And rather presumptuous of you. When I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I meant Langenta and myself. You are to remain here...in spirit, anyway.
[He pulls out a small black box and points it at Spank-N-Wiener]
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Great heavens! That's a Palm Pilot!
KRYCEK
Rock on!
MULDER
You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
You saw what became of Doggie. Society must be protected.
KRYCEK
Yeah, I'm all about society.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Exactly, Dr. Well-Manicured Man. And now, Spank-N-Wiener, your time has come. Say goodbye to this, and hello...to oblivion!
[Spendumbia screams, and Friff-Fraff points the Palm Pilot at him, killing him instantly. Spank-N-Wiener tries to run but Friff-Fraff advances steadily at him, firing, and drills him between the eyes. Spank-N-Wiener tumbles to the floor in a dead heap]
MULDER
Good God!
SCULKY
Oh! You killed them!
LANGENTA
[To Friff-Fraff]
But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
FRIFF-FRAFF
They didn't like ME! Even Sculky called me a troll!
SCULKY
[Runs to him]
But you're *my* troll.
ALL
Awwwww...
LANGENTA
Gabba gabba hey!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Perhaps it was all for the best...
FRIFF-FRAFF
You should leave now, Dr. Well-Manicured Man, while it is still possible.
We are about to beam this entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go...
[Mulder, Krycek, Samantha and Dr. Well-Manicured Man quickly make their exit from the castle]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Our noble mission is completed.
[To Sculky]
Come, my most beautiful goddess, and soon we shall view the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.
LANGENTA
It's all sex, drugs and rock and roll!
SCULKY
Does anyone give a rat's ass about the Truth?
LANGENTA
Nope!
SCULKY
[Leaps into Friff-Fraff's arms]
I'm there!
[SCENE: Outside the castle gates, Mulder, Krycek, Samantha and Dr. Well-Manicured Man watch as the castle lifts off into the air with a tremendous roar]
TRUTH
(Sung to the tune of "Super Heroes")
MULDER
I've done a lot, God knows I've tried
To find the truth. I've even lied.
But all I know is
[Looks at Krycek]
Now my heart is
CHORUS
Lighter.
KRYCEK
'Cause all these aliens just bring you pain
You have your sister back again
And you're a lover now
[Smiles at Mulder]
Not just a
CHORUS
Fighter.
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, twirling a globe]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race...
Lost in time, and lost in space.
No, wait, that's a different show...
Fuck it...
I need a cigarette.
ALL
Morleys...
FRIDAY EVENING X-FILES (REPRISE)
(Sung to the tune of "Science Fiction, Double Feature")
Chris Carter's vision
Met with derision.
Spank went and lost
His sexy pigeon.
Love has conquered
Fox and Alex.
The aliens gone
With their demon spawn.
Wo, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening
X-Files Show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening
X-Files Show.