Dear Santa
You wanted it in here, sis, here it is.
Disclaimer: We are not liable and not responsible for any damages, injuries, mutations, or any other occurances that may or may not happen to anyone who may or may not read the following bad selection of what may or may not be poetry. There's a fun beat to this if you read it aloud. Correctly.
Names have been changed to protect the vile.
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
'Bob' was stomping and screaming at even his spouse
His death was well plotted and planned out with care
In hopes that the jerk would get out of our hair
The chiddlers (and I) were all snug in our beds,
As I wished that we all could just rip him to shreds.
But dear Hilde was gone and would surely be pissed
If the permenent nap-time of ...Bob she had missed
When strangely the moonlight gave an odd quiver,
I reached to the curtain and peered out a sliver.
Then, curiously casting about for my foe,
I stared at the sight that I saw in the snow.
Now what to my wondering eyes should appear?
A hooded black shape, with perpetual leer.
I thought him a Horseman, just one of the Four;
Likley the one sometimes known as Bill Door.
It was then that I saw him, so pale he had blended
The magnificent horse to his master attended.
"NOW BINKY, he said, and his voice made me nervous,
"I HAVE HERE THIS FORMAL REQUEST FOR MY SERVICE.
"I GET THESE SO RARELY I CAN'T NOT DELIVER."
No clue what he meant, but his words made me shiver.
Then like shadows receding at break of the dawn,
The dark figure before me was suddenly gone.
I felt the air temp'rature cool even more,
and I grinned in delight; for I knew what's in store!
My heart filled with joy, and I dashed out to greet him,
But saw not a thing, for the light was too dim.
As I sniffled, berating myself (I'm so slow),
I saw in the darkness two small blue stars glow.
"I'M SORRY. I'VE COME HERE TO TAKE THIS MAN'S LIFE.
"I APOLOGIZE IF I DO CAUSE ANY STRIFE."
He followed these words with a quiet, soft sigh.
I said, "I don't care that the bastard will die."
He smiled that smile, as only he can.
"I TAKE IT THAT YOU'RE NOT HIS NUMBER ONE FAN?"
"Not even a million and forty, or second!"
Then I moved to Bob's door, and I silently beckoned.
He hefted his scythe and went in like a breeze
How repugnant the stench of Bob's evil disease!
I was loath to go into that frightening lair,
but the choice was not mine. I felt Death's icy stare.
"YOU ARE NOT THE DEAR CLIENT WHO SENT THE REQUEST.
"I CANNOT LET YOU IN-- AT MY CLIENT'S BEHEST."
Up hopped a small figure to keep me from peeking
He climbed to my shoulder with cute little SQUEAKing.
Death spoke no more words, but went straight to his work
And finally killed off that damn rat bastard jerk.
He collected his friend, and the last thing he said,
was "MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET BACK TO YOUR BED."
He grinned, and his beautful scythe gave a gleam...
I awoke in my bed. It was all just a dream.
But a thought did still linger, as I got more depressed--
If I didn't do it, who made that request?
Then I heard, rather faintly, a voice say in fun,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND A GOOD NIGHT...EVERYONE.
HO HO HO."
Yes, it's a parody on "A Visit From St. Nick". And yes, I wrote it when I should have been sleeping. Is is so obvious?
Disclaimer: We are not liable and not responsible for any damages, injuries, mutations, or any other occurances that may or may not happen to anyone who may or may not read the following bad selection of what may or may not be poetry. There's a fun beat to this if you read it aloud. Correctly.
Names have been changed to protect the vile.
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
'Bob' was stomping and screaming at even his spouse
His death was well plotted and planned out with care
In hopes that the jerk would get out of our hair
The chiddlers (and I) were all snug in our beds,
As I wished that we all could just rip him to shreds.
But dear Hilde was gone and would surely be pissed
If the permenent nap-time of ...Bob she had missed
When strangely the moonlight gave an odd quiver,
I reached to the curtain and peered out a sliver.
Then, curiously casting about for my foe,
I stared at the sight that I saw in the snow.
Now what to my wondering eyes should appear?
A hooded black shape, with perpetual leer.
I thought him a Horseman, just one of the Four;
Likley the one sometimes known as Bill Door.
It was then that I saw him, so pale he had blended
The magnificent horse to his master attended.
"NOW BINKY, he said, and his voice made me nervous,
"I HAVE HERE THIS FORMAL REQUEST FOR MY SERVICE.
"I GET THESE SO RARELY I CAN'T NOT DELIVER."
No clue what he meant, but his words made me shiver.
Then like shadows receding at break of the dawn,
The dark figure before me was suddenly gone.
I felt the air temp'rature cool even more,
and I grinned in delight; for I knew what's in store!
My heart filled with joy, and I dashed out to greet him,
But saw not a thing, for the light was too dim.
As I sniffled, berating myself (I'm so slow),
I saw in the darkness two small blue stars glow.
"I'M SORRY. I'VE COME HERE TO TAKE THIS MAN'S LIFE.
"I APOLOGIZE IF I DO CAUSE ANY STRIFE."
He followed these words with a quiet, soft sigh.
I said, "I don't care that the bastard will die."
He smiled that smile, as only he can.
"I TAKE IT THAT YOU'RE NOT HIS NUMBER ONE FAN?"
"Not even a million and forty, or second!"
Then I moved to Bob's door, and I silently beckoned.
He hefted his scythe and went in like a breeze
How repugnant the stench of Bob's evil disease!
I was loath to go into that frightening lair,
but the choice was not mine. I felt Death's icy stare.
"YOU ARE NOT THE DEAR CLIENT WHO SENT THE REQUEST.
"I CANNOT LET YOU IN-- AT MY CLIENT'S BEHEST."
Up hopped a small figure to keep me from peeking
He climbed to my shoulder with cute little SQUEAKing.
Death spoke no more words, but went straight to his work
And finally killed off that damn rat bastard jerk.
He collected his friend, and the last thing he said,
was "MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET BACK TO YOUR BED."
He grinned, and his beautful scythe gave a gleam...
I awoke in my bed. It was all just a dream.
But a thought did still linger, as I got more depressed--
If I didn't do it, who made that request?
Then I heard, rather faintly, a voice say in fun,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND A GOOD NIGHT...EVERYONE.
HO HO HO."
Yes, it's a parody on "A Visit From St. Nick". And yes, I wrote it when I should have been sleeping. Is is so obvious?