(no subject)
Ugh I hate you, the sound of your name makes me physically ill. God only knows if you read this, I hope not because that would be so far beyond fucked up. It's amazing and depressing and completely incomprehensible how far our friendship has deteriorated. But really it was never a friendship to begin with. One day I hope the negativity fades, I hope I let go and, miracle of all miracles, I forgive you.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to comprehend how terribly people can hurt the ones who have been there for them forever. It's like as long as they're happy, it doesn't matter who they hurt along the way.
To just sit back and see how many times I laid myself on the line, it really does make me physically ill. To be used over and over and over again....and to be used in the most degrading way possible...I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for allowing it. I allowed myself to become jaded, depressed, cynical and completely incapable of having a successful relationship.
Well fuck all of that cuz I've stepped away from that person. Even tho I may be disgustingly romantic again, at least I'm happy with it and I've found someone who accepts me as that mushy, corny romantic nerd. I know what it's like to be comfortable being yourself, knowing that the person you care for cares about you and completely accepts you, flaws and all. I never thought I would find someone who I could be with, really be with. I can be the person I am with my friends...who the hell thought I would find someone to accept my fucked up self? LOL I'm just in shock that he can see me in the morning with my crazy hair and my smudged makeup and still think I'm cute. Or just be able to hold me when I'm having a scary PMS freak-out. For once I opened up and I didn't get shit on. I just want to scream! I'm so happy I could cry.
I have claimed "closure" soooo many times, it's just becoming pathetic. I'm hoping that this time it will be real. Scratch that, I know this time it's real.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to comprehend how terribly people can hurt the ones who have been there for them forever. It's like as long as they're happy, it doesn't matter who they hurt along the way.
To just sit back and see how many times I laid myself on the line, it really does make me physically ill. To be used over and over and over again....and to be used in the most degrading way possible...I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for allowing it. I allowed myself to become jaded, depressed, cynical and completely incapable of having a successful relationship.
Well fuck all of that cuz I've stepped away from that person. Even tho I may be disgustingly romantic again, at least I'm happy with it and I've found someone who accepts me as that mushy, corny romantic nerd. I know what it's like to be comfortable being yourself, knowing that the person you care for cares about you and completely accepts you, flaws and all. I never thought I would find someone who I could be with, really be with. I can be the person I am with my friends...who the hell thought I would find someone to accept my fucked up self? LOL I'm just in shock that he can see me in the morning with my crazy hair and my smudged makeup and still think I'm cute. Or just be able to hold me when I'm having a scary PMS freak-out. For once I opened up and I didn't get shit on. I just want to scream! I'm so happy I could cry.
I have claimed "closure" soooo many times, it's just becoming pathetic. I'm hoping that this time it will be real. Scratch that, I know this time it's real.