i told myself i'd never be one of these women.
while there were good times where i felt appreciated and loved, most of the time he would cavort with other girls. i felt i had no excuse to not permit it, i didn't want to seem "uncool" or "clingy". i have people pleasing issues. i want to make people happy. for that reason i would sometimes intentionally not eat, or hurt myself for problems i have with my physical appearance. that's my fault, i suppose.
what is alex's fault is the fact that when i came forward and told him, i said, "when you are all over other girls like that, it makes me feel really insecure about myself, i wish you would be a little less full on". he would get moody and angry, say things to guilt trip me, so i felt i had no choice but to condone it. as time went on my self-loathing only naturally got worse. even when i told him it made me want to hurt myself, that wasn't a good enough reason for him to be monogamously committed to me.
i didn't even think there was a problem with this. i thought it was all me.
it took help, a lot of coaxing from friends at the con for me to realize that for the past 6 months, i have been the victim of emotional abuse. one friend said, "all that you say, saying that it isn't his fault... you sound like a battered woman who goes to the shelter saying he hits me because he loves me". i knew that i had to escape the situation i naively placed myself in. i went and i broke up with him. i actually had to pry him from another girl he was laying with, cuddling, to get to speak to him alone.
as i explained the revelations i had to him, my voice cracked and i began crying. he stared into my eyes cold with contempt, i always thought he had that face when he was hating himself for "screwing up" as he said... now i know it was a guilt tripping method, and he was fully turning on me. he had fully turned on me.
the relationship's over now, and i feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders; yet at the same time part of me feels mistaken, codependent on someone who i have been conditioned to love.
i feel so stupid, i am just like the women oprah interviews every other day. an outspoken feminist, raised around women who warned me of these situation, how the hell did i ever get trapped like this? shit happens.
i am writing this here, because i have a feeling that it happens to people a lot more than they think. men and women are BOTH emotionally abused a lot more than anyone likes to admit. i guess i just feel like i want to warn all of my friends, never stop analyzing the relationships you are in. codependency happens, and codependency is a very destructive force. don't ever let yourself be fooled into thinking someone is hurting you because they love you; and seriously you guys, if you feel like you're EVER being taken advantage, please come to me to talk. this has been one of the most disturbing experiences i've had in my young life, the actual abuse was not severe, but the realization that i let it happen has completely shattered my concept of how responsible i am in taking care of myself.
i guess this is one of the major reasons that if you notice my social behavior change around you.... it isn't you. it's just what i've been through recently, and i don't know how long it will be until i'm fully back to normal.