Polyamory: Coming to an Orgy near you!

[kindandgenerous]

Last night, a bunch of polyamorists ganged up on me in one of my current livejournal friend's journal because I guess I didn't agree with their views. This is what I said in response to her poll about Polyamory:
I call it what it is. I view polyamory as just another convenient little word with a hidden meaning -- it's essentially promiscuous

Comments

[blackdove1978]

ah, I for once disagree with you.

I think what differs polyamorous from 3-somes, is that generally your partner would be with you during a 3-some. Poly people generally (though certainly not always) go their separate ways.

I do not think poly = slut though. Some people have a real firm belief that relationships are not meant to be monogomous, or commited, and that those "morals" are outdated and unpractical in today's society. They view themselves as free people who cannot be "owned", and while they may spend years with one person, knowing they are free to do as they please is good enough for them. So yes, they may have fewer sexual partners than the average monogomist.

I don't know about the "loving them all equally" crap. I generally would LOVE one, i.e. my primary partner, my boyfriend or husband, but would have the freedom to pursue sexually anyone I please. As would he. In a perfect world. While I think there are "issues" with he logistics of an open relationship, I firmly believe it is possible, and has the potential to be very successful given the right personalities.

I see it no more perverse than trying to shun your natural instincts for the sake of monogomy.
xo

[kindandgenerous]

The biggest difference between humans and animals is the ability to differentiate right from wrong -- regardless of "natural instincts." But an animal's natural tendency to procreate is an entirely different subject which has nothing to do with these people who are trying to justify their promiscuity by saying that they are "in loooove" with multiple partners.

Excuse me, but that's bullshit.

People who say that "it can work" or that their relationships work better with multiple partners are fooling no one but themselves. If they can't be successful in a one-on-one monogamous relationship, how can they expect to make it work with two, three or more individuals joining a relationship? To have a successful relationship requires a lot of work and devotion to your partner. When you bring in someone else, that effectively dilutes the quality of the attention, love, and work you are putting out. That's just logical. It will never work. And I believe they even know that. So what's their real game?

It's all about the fucking. They want to have this "open" relationship so that they can freely bang anyone and anytime they want. It's mutual promiscuity which they hide under the label "polyamory" because they know society thinks they are a bunch of wackos.

I am aware of your philosophy regarding the subject of sexuality, after all, it's a topic you frequently discuss. I personally don't have a negative opinion about it because from what I've seen, you don't exactly follow a polyamorous lifestyle. At least not from what I've read.

[blackdove1978]

"The biggest difference between humans and animals is the ability to differentiate right from wrong -- regardless of "natural instincts."

The ability to repress, you mean? Our natural instincts have been denied us by the religion of our parents who were threatened with hell if we even so much as masturbate for pleasure. That is the society we are being raised in.

"If they can't be successful in a one-on-one monogamous relationship".

Who's to say they can't be? I've gone both routes. I've had a successful long term monogomous relationship, and I've also had poly relationships. It doesn't mean they are incapable of committing, it just means both parties see the benefit of being able to sleep with others. Do you realize the devotion, honesty and commitment it requires to be poly? I promise you there are poly couples who comminicate and talk much more than a lot of mono people, and about deeper, more important issues. I'm not saying all, I'm saying some.

"how can they expect to make it work with two, three or more individuals joining a relationship? "

I do want to clarify I'm not talking about the people who are in love with everyone they meet. I'm talking about those that love one person, and both parties are free to have sex with others, together or separate from each other.

"It's mutual promiscuity".

Agreed. Mutual. Between two consenting adults. So what's the problem and why can't it work?

"they hide under the label "polyamory" because they know society thinks they are a bunch of wackos."

Looks like "society" already thinks they're wackos. Another thing I know is that most poly's do not care what society thinks, because it is society that has brought shame and disgust upon sex and the free expression of it.

"I personally don't have a negative opinion about it because from what I've seen, you don't exactly follow a polyamorous lifestyle."

Hmm. So you approve of my sexual relationship? WIth all its deviance and perverted control issues and fantasies of degrading abuse - just because it's with one person?

[kindandgenerous]

A couple being promiscuous and fooling around are doing it just for the fun and sex - not because they love each other so much they will allow their partners to slut around as much as they want. Polyamory types like to say that it is all about love that is the driving force for their promiscuity. I say that’s bull. It’s all about satisfying their lust, and therefore, why I said that polyamory=promiscuity.

The bottom line is Poly’s don’t care what anyone thinks. They don’t even care if their kids hang out with people who behave that way. However, when they are in society’s midst, such as at work, they dare not expose themselves as “unconventional” (my kinder word for “deviant”) or they’d be ostracized by their peers, superiors, employers and many of their friends. If their lifestyle didn’t truly matter, they wouldn’t be too secretive when they are around mainstream society.

3. No, I’m not saying I approve of your sexual relationship and use it as a model for my own life. I think it’s just because you try not to hide it by using bullshit words such as “polyamory” and that you are not going around claiming to be in love with multiple partners. What you do with your SINGLE and EXCLUSIVE partner in the privacy of your own bedroom is perfectly fine. It’s this concept of multiple partners and justifying lewd behavior under the guise of love that I think is pretty stupid and shallow.

[blackdove1978]

All I can say is I don't know many poly couples who "do it for love". That's a new concept to me. I agree that they do it for fun, though they are completely capable of maintaining a successful love relationship with their "primary". It just doesn't = promiscuity. There are some couples who sleep with just one other person or couple. It doesn't mean they fuck everything they see.

My only gripe with this whole thing is the view that they are "sick" or "retarded", which came out more in the comments anyway.

However, when they are in society’s midst, such as at work, they dare not expose themselves as “unconventional” (my kinder word for “deviant”) or they’d be ostracized by their peers, superiors, employers and many of their friends. If their lifestyle didn’t truly matter, they wouldn’t be too secretive when they are around mainstream society.

Honestly, that's kind of a weak argument. Just because society is close-minded and judgmental and might ostracize them, that doesn't make their lifestyle any less valid or wholesome. Keep in mind, homosexuality was viewed as too deviant even for discussion not too many years ago.

"No, I'm not saying I approve of your sexual relationship and use it as a model for my own life. I think it's just because you try not to hide it by using bullshit words such as "polyamory" and that you are not going around claiming to be in love with multiple partners."

Seems like your argument is more about the abiltiy to be in love with more than one person.

What you do with your SINGLE and EXCLUSIVE partner in the privacy of your own bedroom is perfectly fine. It’s this concept of multiple partners and justifying lewd behavior under the guise of love that I think is pretty stupid and shallow.

I agree. If our discussion is about justifying polyamory with claims of "love" for every partner, sure, I agree that is bullshit. But again, it's the "lewd" part of your comment. What do you mean by lewd? Disgusting? Unacceptable?

I'm just saying, "Kink is in the eye of the beholder", if you will. What one person finds erotic, someone else will consider disgusting. That's why there's such a wide range of porn; people's sexual tastes can be as varied as their lattes. I'm just hoping for some understanding from you that other people can have success in their pursuit of alternative lifestyle's, because really, you don't know first hand.

I think it's an excuse

[kwanyin2004]

I think people underestimate the power fear plays in these decisions. Sometimes people are in polyamorous (I agree, it's a silly term) relationships because they are afraid:

- that if they devote themselves entirely to one person and it doesn't work out they've "wasted" years of their lives. Failure scares them.

- that they can keep their partner on their toes if they know there's competition. Being taken for granted scares them.

- that when things get rough with one, instead of working through it, they can take solace in the other ones arms. Conflict scares them.

- that they will never have to be alone, it's like insurance. Being single scares them.

- that they will always feel sexy because if one isn't in the mood, the other one will probably be. Not being desired scares them.

- that they will always feel loved, because how special are you to have two guys saying they love you. They are afraid to love themselves enough.

- that they never have to be bored (which is a very important learning experience and opportunity for growth) because variety is the spice of life. Boredom scares them.

- they never have to cope with sexual frustration if their partner is ill or sad or away or whatever (another important learning experience). Self-sacrifice scares them.

- they don't have to listen as intently to their partner when he/she is trying to discuss a problem because it must be "their" problem since the other partner is happy with things the way they are. Being criticized scares them.

- there may be more financial security, etc. Being poor scares them.

- they aren't sure they are capable of a long-term one-to-one relationship and the tremendous growth, accommodation, (another important life lesson) etc. that comes with it. Change for the sake of others scares them.

- they are INSECURE. They are afraid of feeling unworthy.

- they are stunted, self-indulgent, and lazy. They are afraid of self-examination.

[kindandgenerous]

All very good points. Thanks for your feedback.