LJI | Season 10 | Week 02: That One Friend
It happened on my 25th birthday. It was a turning point of sorts-an awareness that began to unfurl inside me. It dawned on me on that particular day that I had been floundering for much of my life, and that I had been living it without any real consideration for anything. Not my future, nor my needs or desires. But when I turned 25, everything fell into place. I became more focused and determined. My painful shyness gave way to a growing confidence and, inexplicably, I found myself no longer caring what people saw or thought when they looked at me. More than anything, however, I gained a deeper understanding of who I was.
And who I am is a lone wolf.
Looking back on the first 25 years of my life, it made sense. There had been many moments leading up to that revelation when my lone wolf-ness had made its presence known; I just hadn’t recognized it or understood it for what it was at the time. What I found particularly interesting during my bouts of retrospection post-25th birthday was that all of those said moments had taken place while I was in the company of the friends that I had at the time. And I say it like that because that’s what they were: my friends during that particular time in my life.
I can’t count the number of times a friend asked me to hang out with them, but the very thought of doing so left me with feelings of dread, so I begged off with some excuse or another. Or the number of times I had a sleepover at a friend’s house and by the next morning, I was itching to get out of there and away from them. In fact, I distinctly remember one birthday of mine-one of my early teen ones-when I invited several of my school friends for a sleepover and we spent the night watching scary movies and eating crappy pizza and gossiping about boys. By the time midnight rolled around, though, I was done. I needed space. So I left them all to sleep on mattresses and couches in the living room, and I went to my bedroom to get some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet! It must have been a strange thing to do because two minutes later, a head poked around my door, its owner checking to see if I was okay. Of course I was okay-I just wanted peace and quiet. That’s totally normal for a 14-year-old, right?
My school friendships progressed in this vein over the years. I often said ‘no’ to parties and outings and get-togethers. Not all of them, but enough of them that eventually, the invitations stopped coming, and it was only when I initiated something that I saw my friends. The few parties I did attend, I would often sit quietly and observe rather than engage (painful shyness, remember?). Then of course, high school graduation came, and we all went our separate ways. I stayed in touch with them for a few years, but even that fizzled out in the end. I think a part of me always knew it wouldn’t last.
For a long time, I was confused. Why was I like this? Why did the thought of spending time with my friends sometimes bother me? Why didn’t I want to be around them as much as possible? Was there something wrong with me?
And then, my 25th birthday came and went, and everything suddenly made sense.
No, there isn’t anything wrong with me. I am just a lone wolf. I enjoy my solitude. I crave it. There are times when I need to not be around people. When I need to be by myself and doing what I want, when I want. I go to the movies by myself. I eat at cafes and restaurants by myself. I go to markets and museums and galleries by myself. I enjoy doing things by myself.
But I am not alone. I still have friends. Currently, and specifically, I have three sincere friendships. One friend I see regularly. We get together to have lunch and see a movie every few weeks or so. Sometimes, I’ll spend the weekend at their house and we’ll watch movies and play board games. Another friend, I don’t see very often, but I’ve known them for years. Our families were close when we were both younger. We get together every now and then. And another friend I don’t see at all, but we’ve known each for 10 years and I share everything with them.
So when I'm not with either of the first two, I'm by myself, doing what I want. And I couldn't be happier.
And who I am is a lone wolf.
Looking back on the first 25 years of my life, it made sense. There had been many moments leading up to that revelation when my lone wolf-ness had made its presence known; I just hadn’t recognized it or understood it for what it was at the time. What I found particularly interesting during my bouts of retrospection post-25th birthday was that all of those said moments had taken place while I was in the company of the friends that I had at the time. And I say it like that because that’s what they were: my friends during that particular time in my life.
I can’t count the number of times a friend asked me to hang out with them, but the very thought of doing so left me with feelings of dread, so I begged off with some excuse or another. Or the number of times I had a sleepover at a friend’s house and by the next morning, I was itching to get out of there and away from them. In fact, I distinctly remember one birthday of mine-one of my early teen ones-when I invited several of my school friends for a sleepover and we spent the night watching scary movies and eating crappy pizza and gossiping about boys. By the time midnight rolled around, though, I was done. I needed space. So I left them all to sleep on mattresses and couches in the living room, and I went to my bedroom to get some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet! It must have been a strange thing to do because two minutes later, a head poked around my door, its owner checking to see if I was okay. Of course I was okay-I just wanted peace and quiet. That’s totally normal for a 14-year-old, right?
My school friendships progressed in this vein over the years. I often said ‘no’ to parties and outings and get-togethers. Not all of them, but enough of them that eventually, the invitations stopped coming, and it was only when I initiated something that I saw my friends. The few parties I did attend, I would often sit quietly and observe rather than engage (painful shyness, remember?). Then of course, high school graduation came, and we all went our separate ways. I stayed in touch with them for a few years, but even that fizzled out in the end. I think a part of me always knew it wouldn’t last.
For a long time, I was confused. Why was I like this? Why did the thought of spending time with my friends sometimes bother me? Why didn’t I want to be around them as much as possible? Was there something wrong with me?
And then, my 25th birthday came and went, and everything suddenly made sense.
No, there isn’t anything wrong with me. I am just a lone wolf. I enjoy my solitude. I crave it. There are times when I need to not be around people. When I need to be by myself and doing what I want, when I want. I go to the movies by myself. I eat at cafes and restaurants by myself. I go to markets and museums and galleries by myself. I enjoy doing things by myself.
But I am not alone. I still have friends. Currently, and specifically, I have three sincere friendships. One friend I see regularly. We get together to have lunch and see a movie every few weeks or so. Sometimes, I’ll spend the weekend at their house and we’ll watch movies and play board games. Another friend, I don’t see very often, but I’ve known them for years. Our families were close when we were both younger. We get together every now and then. And another friend I don’t see at all, but we’ve known each for 10 years and I share everything with them.
So when I'm not with either of the first two, I'm by myself, doing what I want. And I couldn't be happier.