♋ ACT II > BE THE JERK

[kinda_crabby]

[> Karkat spent the last few days being a very productive Troll. By which I mean, Karkat has spent the week bouncing between UNIMAGINABLY FURIOUS, RIDICULOUSLY SAD, and just generally REALLY MISERABLE. He is only now finally deciding to actually use this "phone" whatsits and reach out to all these humans.Alright, first of all, I am going to take a

Comments

[notsaul]

Okay, I was a human for, like, two whole weeks and it fucking SUCKED, but it gave me some important wisdom so shut the fuck up and listen.

Uno: Eating raw meat when you don't have the digestive system for it? Totally sucks.

Dos: You are probably not strong enough to punch through a brick wall right now, so don't try.

Uh... Tortilla: It's really cold outside. Clothes are no longer optional.

Fuck, what was the next one... Quanto: Really gotta stress the raw meat thing. Really do.

[kinda_crabby]

Right, great, no raw meat, clothes are required, and I can't punch down walls. I'll wait to get my real body back before I revert to being a psychopathic barbarian.

[notsaul]

Yeah, it's total bullshit but the wait's not that bad!

[kinda_crabby]

Tell me about it. Now I have to cancel my naked wall-punching party for tonight. What am I supposed to do with all the raw meat I got for it NOW?

[notsaul]

You could totally just send it over to my--

... Waaaait, are you making fun of me?

[kinda_crabby]

Of course I am! Naked wall-punching party while downing raw meat? That's pretty much the single most retarded idea one could ever come up with for a legitimate social gathering.

Even as a Troll, I didn't go around naked, punching walls, or eating raw meat! Those are all different levels of disgusting and stupid.

[notsaul]

Well, as a werewolf, I never sat under a fucking bridge or ate goats-- well, actually, I did that last part, but only on holidays because that shit is expensive. My point stands!

[kinda_crabby]

What the Hell are you talking about? Bridges? Goats? What the Hell is a goat?

[notsaul]

Okay, so, once upon a time, there were these three goats that wanted to cross over this bridge to, I don't know, see their goat-granny or some shit. This troll jumped up to the first one and was like, "Hey, goat, let me eat you." And the goat was like "No, fuck you, my brother is bigger than me, eat his ass." And so he passed on and then the other goat came and was like, "No way, my brother is a giant goat, eat him." And then the other goat came and he was a massive fucking goat and he killed the troll dead. The end.

So, moral: Goats, while delicious, are also devious little bastards.

[kinda_crabby]

Wow, what a tasteless and seemingly racist joke. Specie-ist? Whatever. I don't know what a fucking goat is, why I would want to eat one, or why I'd want to be so stupid as to live under a bridge for the express purpose of eating one. This is the worst example of trolling I have ever heard of.

[notsaul]

... You mean trolls don't live under bridges and eat goats?

Really?

[kinda_crabby]

I JUST SAID I DON'T KNOW WHAT A GRUBFUCKING GOAT IS. And why would ANYONE, much less EVERY SINGLE TROLL, live under a BRIDGE?

[notsaul]

Living under bridges is a respectable job! Great hours, work from home, all the tolls and goats you could ever want-- I've never met any trolls but it must be great. They wouldn't do it if it wasn't!