you get older, so i hear.
it's funny to me how empty people's words can be.
i guess im no exception to that though.
i'm never really any exception.
you know what's such a drag?
when people who claim to know anything about you have the balls to tell you
what you do is wrong, or how you feel is wrong when they don't even know
how it is that you feel in the first place.
And they do it in such a judgemental way, like they're purposely yelling it at you
so that you know you're wrong, so that you can feel it.
I have no problem admitting if I've ever fucked up, but it's such a fucking drag to hear it over
and over and over again from the same fucking people who don't even understand
anything about you anymore if they ever did.
It's such a fucking drag to hear it over and over and over again in your head when you know
it shouldn't even bother you,
at least not anymore.
i don't know what makes me cringe more :
the fact that I don't think I can reach any expectations people have for me,
or if they don't even bother to set expectations.
I always wonder why I get a certain way,
as in, how I act, or what I say,
and, well, what I don't say.
everything's too personal now.
things that are personal are now "too personal" for me to want to even think about.
that probably doesn't make any sense.
i think i'm just growing more distant from myself.
i'll change that though. I think i'm just in some awkward, unforgiving mindset that fucks
things up for myself.
ill get it straightened out. i just dont know when, or how.
soon, i promise soon.
Pete's driving down tonight to say goodbye before he moves.
for a saying with the word "good" in it,
"goodbye" has such a negative vibe to it sometimes.
i guess it's all in how you make it.
i think i'm just sick of saying goodbye.
for a while there,
saying goodbye was pretty easy.
probably because i didn't give a shit about anything, or anyone.
well, that was depressing.
i'd appologize,
but i'm tired of appologzing for how i feel.
dont get me wrong,
i'm fine. i can handle myself.
it's just venting.
on a happier note,
i love this about life.
hahaha, i miss mike!
i miss my va friends.
i love being able to laugh at absolutely nothing with the handful of good company
that make me feel fine.
it's cute, to see and hear people talking about how they're excited for a new school year
to meet new people and new friends, and new new new new.
that's really cute to me.
but i think i'm at some sort of point where it'd be interesting to meet other people,
but i dont care if i meet new people, or new friends,
cause i already appreciate the ones i've got. i don't really need anyone else
besides the people ive grown close to.
i could appreciate them a lot more too, though.
i'm working on that.
i think i'm going to go outside, as always,
and make a list of things that i love,
because i'm so afraid that sometimes i get so selfish and so caught up with everything
of how i feel or deal with things,
that i forget what it is that i do love.
you have to look for the good things in life.
i think they're right infront of you,
you just have to give it the time of day.
---
My Agenda, or to-do list for myself :
+ Remember every, single day three things that I absolutely love, and really think about it.
+ To learn how to stop being this stubborn bitch that I am, and to learn how to let my guard down.
+ To stop making excuses, stop being passive, stop being stand off-ish,
stop relying on stupid things to make me "feel better",
stop being so offended to things that are said just to help me out,
stop flirting as much,
stop smiling when i don't want to smile,
to stop listening to songs that make me feel more pathetic,
to stop thinking about things i have no control over,
to forgive myself or at least feel comfortable with certain things,etc.
+ To start to appreciate the things i feel i may take for granted for,
to appreciate this year with a good/fresh mindset as the last year of my so-called childhood before i'm legally an "adult" [ though i wouldn't say aging is any sign of "growing up", not that i know what that means in the first place ],
+ To make sure that my best friend knows that he's not alone, and that he doesn't have to pretend he feels
good or better or strong because he's afraid of how it'd affect me.
+ To tell and show my best friend[s] that they don't have to "entertain" me, and that they can let their
guard down [and to make sure of that].
+ To have myself not be such a hypocrite, and learn to let my guard down.
+ Tell the person that i Like why i like them, because for whatever reason, i'm hestitant to do so and instead
act stand off-ish i've noticed. Plus, to tell him i owe him a breakfast date because i forgot somehow to have
breakfast with him again at Faith's.
+ To make peace with an old best friend who i've ruined things with, because i'm so tired of things
between me and him carrying on with such a bitter tone.
i'd rather make peace, and not have anything to do with each other like i've been claiming to try doing,
than to have this horrible connection that upsets us both.
+ To laugh a lot more, because I want to laugh...not that automatic laugh that I can't control that comes up
when i don't have a response, or when i don't know what someone says, or when i just do it for whatever reason.
----
this.... this is what i loveee...
I love love love :
i love this.
and this and that and this this and that.
i love , i love, i love.
i really do love things.
i'm really trying you know,
i'm really trying to be better, and to get my mind together.
if you just give me some time,
i think i can i pull something out of this shit.
i guess im no exception to that though.
i'm never really any exception.
you know what's such a drag?
when people who claim to know anything about you have the balls to tell you
what you do is wrong, or how you feel is wrong when they don't even know
how it is that you feel in the first place.
And they do it in such a judgemental way, like they're purposely yelling it at you
so that you know you're wrong, so that you can feel it.
I have no problem admitting if I've ever fucked up, but it's such a fucking drag to hear it over
and over and over again from the same fucking people who don't even understand
anything about you anymore if they ever did.
It's such a fucking drag to hear it over and over and over again in your head when you know
it shouldn't even bother you,
at least not anymore.
i don't know what makes me cringe more :
the fact that I don't think I can reach any expectations people have for me,
or if they don't even bother to set expectations.
I always wonder why I get a certain way,
as in, how I act, or what I say,
and, well, what I don't say.
everything's too personal now.
things that are personal are now "too personal" for me to want to even think about.
that probably doesn't make any sense.
i think i'm just growing more distant from myself.
i'll change that though. I think i'm just in some awkward, unforgiving mindset that fucks
things up for myself.
ill get it straightened out. i just dont know when, or how.
soon, i promise soon.
Pete's driving down tonight to say goodbye before he moves.
for a saying with the word "good" in it,
"goodbye" has such a negative vibe to it sometimes.
i guess it's all in how you make it.
i think i'm just sick of saying goodbye.
for a while there,
saying goodbye was pretty easy.
probably because i didn't give a shit about anything, or anyone.
well, that was depressing.
i'd appologize,
but i'm tired of appologzing for how i feel.
dont get me wrong,
i'm fine. i can handle myself.
it's just venting.
on a happier note,
i love this about life.
hahaha, i miss mike!
i miss my va friends.
i love being able to laugh at absolutely nothing with the handful of good company
that make me feel fine.
it's cute, to see and hear people talking about how they're excited for a new school year
to meet new people and new friends, and new new new new.
that's really cute to me.
but i think i'm at some sort of point where it'd be interesting to meet other people,
but i dont care if i meet new people, or new friends,
cause i already appreciate the ones i've got. i don't really need anyone else
besides the people ive grown close to.
i could appreciate them a lot more too, though.
i'm working on that.
i think i'm going to go outside, as always,
and make a list of things that i love,
because i'm so afraid that sometimes i get so selfish and so caught up with everything
of how i feel or deal with things,
that i forget what it is that i do love.
you have to look for the good things in life.
i think they're right infront of you,
you just have to give it the time of day.
---
My Agenda, or to-do list for myself :
+ Remember every, single day three things that I absolutely love, and really think about it.
+ To learn how to stop being this stubborn bitch that I am, and to learn how to let my guard down.
+ To stop making excuses, stop being passive, stop being stand off-ish,
stop relying on stupid things to make me "feel better",
stop being so offended to things that are said just to help me out,
stop flirting as much,
stop smiling when i don't want to smile,
to stop listening to songs that make me feel more pathetic,
to stop thinking about things i have no control over,
to forgive myself or at least feel comfortable with certain things,etc.
+ To start to appreciate the things i feel i may take for granted for,
to appreciate this year with a good/fresh mindset as the last year of my so-called childhood before i'm legally an "adult" [ though i wouldn't say aging is any sign of "growing up", not that i know what that means in the first place ],
+ To make sure that my best friend knows that he's not alone, and that he doesn't have to pretend he feels
good or better or strong because he's afraid of how it'd affect me.
+ To tell and show my best friend[s] that they don't have to "entertain" me, and that they can let their
guard down [and to make sure of that].
+ To have myself not be such a hypocrite, and learn to let my guard down.
+ Tell the person that i Like why i like them, because for whatever reason, i'm hestitant to do so and instead
act stand off-ish i've noticed. Plus, to tell him i owe him a breakfast date because i forgot somehow to have
breakfast with him again at Faith's.
+ To make peace with an old best friend who i've ruined things with, because i'm so tired of things
between me and him carrying on with such a bitter tone.
i'd rather make peace, and not have anything to do with each other like i've been claiming to try doing,
than to have this horrible connection that upsets us both.
+ To laugh a lot more, because I want to laugh...not that automatic laugh that I can't control that comes up
when i don't have a response, or when i don't know what someone says, or when i just do it for whatever reason.
----
this.... this is what i loveee...
I love love love :
i love this.
and this and that and this this and that.
i love , i love, i love.
i really do love things.
i'm really trying you know,
i'm really trying to be better, and to get my mind together.
if you just give me some time,
i think i can i pull something out of this shit.