Kimba's adventures with Flavor of Love
It was one of the most nerve wracking days of my life. Trying out for Popstars had nothing on this one. I had done my best to provide the best answers on the golden sparkly application that I could. Trying to think of my favourite way to prepare chicken was not a question I was ready to answer. I put down what I thought to be the most sophisticated type. Fried, Kimba, Fried, I told myself over and over. Anything else would be undignified. The number of clocks I had around the house was another suspicious question, and answering only 3 seemed almost inadequate. Like I should have a lot more than that. Time is important after all, without it where would we be? The size of my posterior - hm. Do I lie? Gigantic doesn't seem like the answer a normal person would want to have. Lying never helped anyone though I reminded myself. Relationships are built on trust and this one would be no difference. After all, at the conclusion of this, if chosen, I WOULD in a relationship. With my own personal jesus no less (special thanks to Depeche Mode).
I got an early morning call and was found hours later sobbing on my living room floor. SUCCESS! SUCCESS! Finally after so many failed years of getting the chance to prove my love to the man called Flav, I'd get my chance. Forget Public Enemy being #1, it's always been Flava Flav. I packed my bags and took off for the rest of my life. I was a bit shocked to see the limited number of people there. Flav must have had a very strict selection process and eliminated millions leaving only we few. As the eliminating process went on, I slowly realised that I had a chance here. There were some outrageous dogs competing for his affection after all.
The part you may not know is that I was selected to live in the house and the other women. Flav told me he probably would be able to remember my name because I was so damn sexxxy (he said it just like that!) but he didn't want to upset the other girls. His decision was down to England and Lips and I told him I'd rather not represent a whole country because I'd be forsaking it to live with him in his big house in...wherever the hell I was...when he chose me. Oh Flav, he just laughed and showed off those magnificent teeth. Lips it was, and I set off to prove my worth.
I've got to admit I was a bit overwhelmed by the other women in the house. I struck up a quick friendship with Goldie, who I think was one of the most rational and down to earth people I've ever met. We had many a civilised conversation about our love for Chil'run and chicken wings. I've never met such an intellectual before and I found myself questioning the meaning of life, why are we all here?! sort of questions while talking with her. Brilliant. What you all may be interested to know however is that New York and Hottie had no real feud. It was the clever work of the editors and refilming that brought those arguments into the house. The real truth is that I clashed with both of them and often would have to beat them over the head with frying pans to get their minds back on track...dumb whores. I was really the one who told New York she looked like Shrek, but there went Hottie stealing my thunder later. There was quite the incident in the middle of the show where I attempted to throw Hottie down the stairs by her hair, but the extensions/weave/whatever the fuck it was ripped out and she was saved and escaped my grasp:(.
Flav and I though...sigh. There were so many lovely dates we shared. He took me to another of his favourite restaurants - a near by Dennys and we laughed and laughed and bonded over coffee and moon over my hammys. He's an interesting and beautiful man. Our near sexcapade in the Denny's booth was something I'd been dreaming about all my life, unfortunately the waitress screeched something about disgusting displays and had us thrown out. How something that beautiful could be stopped, I'll never be able to know. I never got a chance for a repeat performance. Shortly after our Denny's trip I was forced out of the house after what some might call a "snapping". While listening to New York cry and tell everyone how Flav was HER MAN, I hit her over the head with a lamp and began throttling her on the living room floor. APPARENTLY this was considered bad behaviour, eventhough if you ask me New York and Hottie even continuing to breathe is bad behaviour on their part. Flav had a long conversation with me about proper etiquette and acting like a lady and told me I had to go back to England.
To say the least, I was devastated. I immediately called Michelle and told her the whole story and she cried with me, knowing how it was to be so in love with a man like Flav and losing it prematurely. I really am not sure I'll ever be able to get over it. God help me in my quest. Because of the thought of my image being thrown all over the screen on this hit show and being known as a "psycho", I had the Girls Aloud lawyer get all my appearances edited out of the show. Eventhough I'd love for everyone to see how much love I had for Flav, I can't let it go down like that. Someday, when he realises that I was the only woman for him, maybe he'll come to find me.
Unless he picks Goldie. Then all will be all right with the world and I'll make a play for another crazy rapper. I'm sending you all clocks as a Valentine's Day present.
I got an early morning call and was found hours later sobbing on my living room floor. SUCCESS! SUCCESS! Finally after so many failed years of getting the chance to prove my love to the man called Flav, I'd get my chance. Forget Public Enemy being #1, it's always been Flava Flav. I packed my bags and took off for the rest of my life. I was a bit shocked to see the limited number of people there. Flav must have had a very strict selection process and eliminated millions leaving only we few. As the eliminating process went on, I slowly realised that I had a chance here. There were some outrageous dogs competing for his affection after all.
The part you may not know is that I was selected to live in the house and the other women. Flav told me he probably would be able to remember my name because I was so damn sexxxy (he said it just like that!) but he didn't want to upset the other girls. His decision was down to England and Lips and I told him I'd rather not represent a whole country because I'd be forsaking it to live with him in his big house in...wherever the hell I was...when he chose me. Oh Flav, he just laughed and showed off those magnificent teeth. Lips it was, and I set off to prove my worth.
I've got to admit I was a bit overwhelmed by the other women in the house. I struck up a quick friendship with Goldie, who I think was one of the most rational and down to earth people I've ever met. We had many a civilised conversation about our love for Chil'run and chicken wings. I've never met such an intellectual before and I found myself questioning the meaning of life, why are we all here?! sort of questions while talking with her. Brilliant. What you all may be interested to know however is that New York and Hottie had no real feud. It was the clever work of the editors and refilming that brought those arguments into the house. The real truth is that I clashed with both of them and often would have to beat them over the head with frying pans to get their minds back on track...dumb whores. I was really the one who told New York she looked like Shrek, but there went Hottie stealing my thunder later. There was quite the incident in the middle of the show where I attempted to throw Hottie down the stairs by her hair, but the extensions/weave/whatever the fuck it was ripped out and she was saved and escaped my grasp:(.
Flav and I though...sigh. There were so many lovely dates we shared. He took me to another of his favourite restaurants - a near by Dennys and we laughed and laughed and bonded over coffee and moon over my hammys. He's an interesting and beautiful man. Our near sexcapade in the Denny's booth was something I'd been dreaming about all my life, unfortunately the waitress screeched something about disgusting displays and had us thrown out. How something that beautiful could be stopped, I'll never be able to know. I never got a chance for a repeat performance. Shortly after our Denny's trip I was forced out of the house after what some might call a "snapping". While listening to New York cry and tell everyone how Flav was HER MAN, I hit her over the head with a lamp and began throttling her on the living room floor. APPARENTLY this was considered bad behaviour, eventhough if you ask me New York and Hottie even continuing to breathe is bad behaviour on their part. Flav had a long conversation with me about proper etiquette and acting like a lady and told me I had to go back to England.
To say the least, I was devastated. I immediately called Michelle and told her the whole story and she cried with me, knowing how it was to be so in love with a man like Flav and losing it prematurely. I really am not sure I'll ever be able to get over it. God help me in my quest. Because of the thought of my image being thrown all over the screen on this hit show and being known as a "psycho", I had the Girls Aloud lawyer get all my appearances edited out of the show. Eventhough I'd love for everyone to see how much love I had for Flav, I can't let it go down like that. Someday, when he realises that I was the only woman for him, maybe he'll come to find me.
Unless he picks Goldie. Then all will be all right with the world and I'll make a play for another crazy rapper. I'm sending you all clocks as a Valentine's Day present.