Live Another Lie
It was a long and draining day. Ianto wanted nothing more than to get a hot shower, get pissed and then bed. In that order. He thought the walk home from the hub would have helped clear his mind but it didn’t. If anything the quiet walk made it worst. He kept thinking and right now thinking was not something he wanted to do. He didn’t want to think how Gwen insulted everyone. He didn’t want to think about how Gwen bloody Cooper got her way yet again because Jack can’t say no to her and she knows it. But most importantly, Ianto didn’t want to think of all those nights in the hub with Jack. All his caresses, all his kisses, their most intimate moments. Because tonight, he realized one thing: They didn’t mean the same to Jack. The biggest insult was Owen has been right along. Ianto has always been just a “part time shag”.
When he finally felt the hot spray from his shower Ianto allowed himself to break down. Today was too much. He was held captive again. This time he was more prepared. This time he knew what to do. This time he didn’t need Jack fucking Harkness to come to his rescue. He got himself out of the ropes that were tying his hands behind his back, although as the water hit them he really wished he hadn’t. He got a hold of the gun that Dale had held against his chest and neck. And then he went after him. Fuck, Jack showed more compassion for the space whale than for his lover. Not lover, part time shag. I’m just a damn fuck buddy. He rested his forehead on the tile of his shower and let the heat run down his neck and back.
He honestly thought Jack had changed since his return with the Doctor. Jack had asked Ianto out on a date and when they finally managed to go on it, they had a great time. Jack even let Ianto wear his coat when Ianto had started shivering in a sudden down pour. Ianto thought that Jack had at least cared about him. But tonight only proved Ianto wrong and Owen right, and Ianto really hated to admit that. Just the fact that Owen was right about anything let alone something so - what was the word Ianto was looking for - crucial? in Ianto’s life, was enough to get himself pissed.
Just as Ianto finished his first beer there was a knock on the door. He didn’t want company but he answered it anyway. Just as he was about to tell Jack to shove off he saw Owen and Toshiko standing in his doorway. Tosh held up a bag containing more beer and Owen held up his medical kit. “You left before I could check you, mate.” Ianto stepped to the side so they could come in and Ianto took the bag from Tosh. “I’m fine Owen,” Ianto replied through clenched teeth. Since Owen wasn’t bitching about having to come all the way over and was missing the phrase teaboy from his vocabulary tonight, Ianto knew that Jack did not send him over. Ianto was getting a pity visit from the great and mighty Owen Harper. Ianto really needed to get pissed now.
After a few beers Ianto was finally relaxing enough to let Owen look at his wrists and hands. He was going to have a bruise or two on his back and his jaw from the punches he received but they were ok. But from having to slide his hands from rope, he had burns and cuts. The worst were in between his thumb and finger. Just some bandages and ointment and he’ll be right as rain in a few days. “I didn’t tell you I was injured.” Ianto’s voice wasn’t slurred yet but his accent was thicker than usual. “No you didn’t. I should really report you for that.” Owen took another swig of his beer. “Tosh told me you were hurt.” Ianto was flexing his wrist to keep them from getting stiff. “I didn’t tell her I was hurt either.” Toshiko had looked up at the sound of her name. “I saw your face at the factory. It looked more like one of pain not fear. I know how you look when you’re afraid and I know how you look when your hurt. Once I saw you grab for the gun I put two and two together. Realized you had gotten yourself out of the ropes.” It’s more than Jack did.
About an hour later, Owen went down to the pizza shop on the corner. Ianto felt a little more comfortable since it was just him and Tosh. Tosh was the closest thing he had to a best friend. “Tosh?” Toshiko turned to look at him. He knew what he wanted to ask her, he just didn’t want to come out sounding like some 13 year old girl who doesn’t realize why her first boyfriend broke up with her. “What was the “NO” for?” Ianto looked at her and she could see the tears that he was fighting very hard to not let fall. “Was it for me or for the creature?” Tosh knew what he was talking about. Right after Ianto grabbed the gun and the bullets started flying Jack yelled “NO”. Ianto only noticed that Jack wasn’t looking at him when he said it, he was running.
Tosh had gently put her hand over his. “It was for you, Ianto.” Ianto gave a sad smile and small little chuckle. Tosh needed to convince him that Jack was worried. “He was running for his gun, Ianto, so he could shoot to protect you.” She moved her hand up to his shoulder. “Ianto, you did great work tonight. You should be proud of yourself. Not everyone would be able to get themselves out of that kind of situation. And you even managed to get your stun gun back. And we both know how much you enjoy the stun gun.” Ianto smiled at that and got a distant look in his eye. “Yeah, I did. It was my favorite one.”
Another hour and Owen and Tosh were finally on their way. Ianto had finished cleaning up the bottles and the boxes when Ianto’s phone started ringing. He checked the caller ID and saw it was Jack. Now he really wished he was drunk. “What can I do for you, Sir?” Ianto could taste the bitterness in that word. He hasn’t even used it since Jack asked him not to. “Ianto, I know it’s been a long day but I am on my way to pick you up. There have been weevil sightings in Bute Park.” Ianto took a couple of seconds to compose himself while wishing he was drunk like he planned. “Yes sir. I’ll meet you outside.”
Ianto was in the extra suit (minus the jacket) he had kept in his locker while making coffee. The weevil hunt had led them into the sewer and Ianto had decided the jeans, t-shirt and jacket were not worth saving. Jack was in his office writing out the report. Ianto had poured Jack’s coffee into his favorite mug and then placed it on his desk. “How are you Ianto?” He wanted to ask why he left earlier but he knew why. “I’m fine. Owen came over and took care of my injuries.” The tone said, Not like you actually care to even know I was hurt. Jack heard both the words and the implication. He gently took Ianto by the hand and led him to the couch.
He took a few minutes to figure out the best way to say what he needed to say. He made sure Ianto was looking at him. “It’s crazy in the field. People are in danger and it’s not always just us. We choose to do this because we are protecting people. And that sometimes means doing things we really don’t want to do. Especially if you’re me.” Jack took a steadying breath that he didn’t realize he needed. “The things I have to do to protect the people of this planet. Like sending a little girl to live with the faeries, or let the Great Devourer suck out my life. But today, I had to send someone after the man who tried to shoot him because if I did, I would have killed him.” Ianto was looking for anything in his eyes. “It would have been more than what he deserved Jack. To harm an innocent creature just because he could, to torture it, is not something one could forgive so easily.” Jack looked at him stunned
“I would have killed him because of what he did to you.” Jack got up and started to pace. He didn’t pace much but there were always times and places. Usually Ianto was the only one who saw it. “God Ianto. Do you really think I think that little of you? He tied your hands behind your back and held a gun to your chest. I sent you to get him because I know you wouldn’t have killed him. You would have shown the restraint that I don’t have when it comes to people I…” He sat back down next to Ianto and gently placed his hand over Ianto’s. He moved in closer to Ianto so he could whisper. “When it comes to the people I care about. And you Ianto Jones, are the highest on that list.” Jack tried to say everything he couldn’t with his eyes. He tried wearing his heart on his sleeve, but it’s been so long since he let anyone in as much as he had with Ianto.
“Don’t lie to me, Jack. I haven’t asked you for anything that I know you are not willing or able to give. You want to shag random people, fine, I don’t care as long as you’re careful.” Lie. “I just want some respect to the fact that I am a human being. And a shame for you, I am from this century. I don’t need it thrown in my face that I am just a shag.” Jack looked at him and Ianto felt his breath caught in his throat. “Is that all I am to you, Ianto? Just a shag? A bit of warm comfort after a hard days work?” There was no anger in his voice. He almost sounded like he was trying to be smug. Ianto moved his eyes away and looked at the floor. “No.” Ianto didn’t see the Jack Harkness grin that found its way to Jack’s face. Jack cupped Ianto’s face and made him look Jack in the eye. “Neither are you Ianto Jones. Neither are you.” Jack moved in to give his lover a kiss but Ianto moved away and got up.
“You humiliated me Jack. You have done nothing to show me otherwise. It is clear that to me, you are not a shag. However, you only prove time and time again that I am. I even got a pity visit tonight from Owen for fuck’s sake. Him and Tosh came over because of the little stunt you pulled with Gwen tonight. I’ve always known that you have feelings for her. I’ve even come to accept that one day I will most likely loose you to her. I only ask that you admit what this is not only to me but to yourself. If I am just a shag, fine. But don’t have me live a lie so that you don’t feel guilty.”
Jack got up and put his hands on Ianto’s shoulders. “Ianto, do you want the truth?” Ianto looked at him. “I really don’t know any more Jack. I’m afraid that the truth will destroy everything but I think I deserve it. So it’s your decision if you will grace me with the truth, for once.” Jack’s grip tightened. “You asked for the truth, I’ll tell you the truth.” He took a deep breath. “Yes, Ianto, I love Gwen. I love Toshiko and at least three days a week I love Owen too. I would gladly die for any of them. But you know what I do for you, Ianto? I live for you. I fight so hard to stay alive because I know what it does to you. I see the look in your eyes when you know I’m dying, and the look when I first come back. I know how you feel for me Ianto Jones. And I know that even with everything I am, and all the things I want but can’t tell you, you still have the same feelings for me.
“I may have been a con man so many years ago but I’ve changed. I’ve loved and lost and grieved and moved on so many times. I swore I’d never do it again. I’d take them and leave them. No strings, no feelings, no commitments.” He moved his hands down Ianto’s arms. “Then you came along and saved my life. And you Jones, Ianto Jones keep saving my life. You give me a reason to come out of the darkness.” He took Ianto’s hands. “Gwen could never do that. I’d miss her if she left. But that is all.”
Ianto had a sad smile on his face but a hint of hope in his eyes. “Are you in love with her Jack? No riddles, and no cryptic answers you know I won’t be able to decipher. Just a simple yes or no will do.” Jack moved his hands to Ianto’s face and forced him to look Jack in the eye. “I’m not in love Gwen. And I am so sorry that I made you feel that I am anything but committed to you.” Jack moved to kiss Ianto and this time Ianto didn’t move away. This kiss was not full of need or desire. Ianto could only describe it to himself as pure. This kiss was Jack’s pure feelings for Ianto. This was everything Jack couldn’t say. After what felt like eternity they broke away. Jack rested his forehead against Ianto’s and they felt each other’s breath against their cheeks. “It’s only you Ianto. I was just your’s the moment you said ‘As long as it’s not in an office.’”
When he finally felt the hot spray from his shower Ianto allowed himself to break down. Today was too much. He was held captive again. This time he was more prepared. This time he knew what to do. This time he didn’t need Jack fucking Harkness to come to his rescue. He got himself out of the ropes that were tying his hands behind his back, although as the water hit them he really wished he hadn’t. He got a hold of the gun that Dale had held against his chest and neck. And then he went after him. Fuck, Jack showed more compassion for the space whale than for his lover. Not lover, part time shag. I’m just a damn fuck buddy. He rested his forehead on the tile of his shower and let the heat run down his neck and back.
He honestly thought Jack had changed since his return with the Doctor. Jack had asked Ianto out on a date and when they finally managed to go on it, they had a great time. Jack even let Ianto wear his coat when Ianto had started shivering in a sudden down pour. Ianto thought that Jack had at least cared about him. But tonight only proved Ianto wrong and Owen right, and Ianto really hated to admit that. Just the fact that Owen was right about anything let alone something so - what was the word Ianto was looking for - crucial? in Ianto’s life, was enough to get himself pissed.
Just as Ianto finished his first beer there was a knock on the door. He didn’t want company but he answered it anyway. Just as he was about to tell Jack to shove off he saw Owen and Toshiko standing in his doorway. Tosh held up a bag containing more beer and Owen held up his medical kit. “You left before I could check you, mate.” Ianto stepped to the side so they could come in and Ianto took the bag from Tosh. “I’m fine Owen,” Ianto replied through clenched teeth. Since Owen wasn’t bitching about having to come all the way over and was missing the phrase teaboy from his vocabulary tonight, Ianto knew that Jack did not send him over. Ianto was getting a pity visit from the great and mighty Owen Harper. Ianto really needed to get pissed now.
After a few beers Ianto was finally relaxing enough to let Owen look at his wrists and hands. He was going to have a bruise or two on his back and his jaw from the punches he received but they were ok. But from having to slide his hands from rope, he had burns and cuts. The worst were in between his thumb and finger. Just some bandages and ointment and he’ll be right as rain in a few days. “I didn’t tell you I was injured.” Ianto’s voice wasn’t slurred yet but his accent was thicker than usual. “No you didn’t. I should really report you for that.” Owen took another swig of his beer. “Tosh told me you were hurt.” Ianto was flexing his wrist to keep them from getting stiff. “I didn’t tell her I was hurt either.” Toshiko had looked up at the sound of her name. “I saw your face at the factory. It looked more like one of pain not fear. I know how you look when you’re afraid and I know how you look when your hurt. Once I saw you grab for the gun I put two and two together. Realized you had gotten yourself out of the ropes.” It’s more than Jack did.
About an hour later, Owen went down to the pizza shop on the corner. Ianto felt a little more comfortable since it was just him and Tosh. Tosh was the closest thing he had to a best friend. “Tosh?” Toshiko turned to look at him. He knew what he wanted to ask her, he just didn’t want to come out sounding like some 13 year old girl who doesn’t realize why her first boyfriend broke up with her. “What was the “NO” for?” Ianto looked at her and she could see the tears that he was fighting very hard to not let fall. “Was it for me or for the creature?” Tosh knew what he was talking about. Right after Ianto grabbed the gun and the bullets started flying Jack yelled “NO”. Ianto only noticed that Jack wasn’t looking at him when he said it, he was running.
Tosh had gently put her hand over his. “It was for you, Ianto.” Ianto gave a sad smile and small little chuckle. Tosh needed to convince him that Jack was worried. “He was running for his gun, Ianto, so he could shoot to protect you.” She moved her hand up to his shoulder. “Ianto, you did great work tonight. You should be proud of yourself. Not everyone would be able to get themselves out of that kind of situation. And you even managed to get your stun gun back. And we both know how much you enjoy the stun gun.” Ianto smiled at that and got a distant look in his eye. “Yeah, I did. It was my favorite one.”
Another hour and Owen and Tosh were finally on their way. Ianto had finished cleaning up the bottles and the boxes when Ianto’s phone started ringing. He checked the caller ID and saw it was Jack. Now he really wished he was drunk. “What can I do for you, Sir?” Ianto could taste the bitterness in that word. He hasn’t even used it since Jack asked him not to. “Ianto, I know it’s been a long day but I am on my way to pick you up. There have been weevil sightings in Bute Park.” Ianto took a couple of seconds to compose himself while wishing he was drunk like he planned. “Yes sir. I’ll meet you outside.”
Ianto was in the extra suit (minus the jacket) he had kept in his locker while making coffee. The weevil hunt had led them into the sewer and Ianto had decided the jeans, t-shirt and jacket were not worth saving. Jack was in his office writing out the report. Ianto had poured Jack’s coffee into his favorite mug and then placed it on his desk. “How are you Ianto?” He wanted to ask why he left earlier but he knew why. “I’m fine. Owen came over and took care of my injuries.” The tone said, Not like you actually care to even know I was hurt. Jack heard both the words and the implication. He gently took Ianto by the hand and led him to the couch.
He took a few minutes to figure out the best way to say what he needed to say. He made sure Ianto was looking at him. “It’s crazy in the field. People are in danger and it’s not always just us. We choose to do this because we are protecting people. And that sometimes means doing things we really don’t want to do. Especially if you’re me.” Jack took a steadying breath that he didn’t realize he needed. “The things I have to do to protect the people of this planet. Like sending a little girl to live with the faeries, or let the Great Devourer suck out my life. But today, I had to send someone after the man who tried to shoot him because if I did, I would have killed him.” Ianto was looking for anything in his eyes. “It would have been more than what he deserved Jack. To harm an innocent creature just because he could, to torture it, is not something one could forgive so easily.” Jack looked at him stunned
“I would have killed him because of what he did to you.” Jack got up and started to pace. He didn’t pace much but there were always times and places. Usually Ianto was the only one who saw it. “God Ianto. Do you really think I think that little of you? He tied your hands behind your back and held a gun to your chest. I sent you to get him because I know you wouldn’t have killed him. You would have shown the restraint that I don’t have when it comes to people I…” He sat back down next to Ianto and gently placed his hand over Ianto’s. He moved in closer to Ianto so he could whisper. “When it comes to the people I care about. And you Ianto Jones, are the highest on that list.” Jack tried to say everything he couldn’t with his eyes. He tried wearing his heart on his sleeve, but it’s been so long since he let anyone in as much as he had with Ianto.
“Don’t lie to me, Jack. I haven’t asked you for anything that I know you are not willing or able to give. You want to shag random people, fine, I don’t care as long as you’re careful.” Lie. “I just want some respect to the fact that I am a human being. And a shame for you, I am from this century. I don’t need it thrown in my face that I am just a shag.” Jack looked at him and Ianto felt his breath caught in his throat. “Is that all I am to you, Ianto? Just a shag? A bit of warm comfort after a hard days work?” There was no anger in his voice. He almost sounded like he was trying to be smug. Ianto moved his eyes away and looked at the floor. “No.” Ianto didn’t see the Jack Harkness grin that found its way to Jack’s face. Jack cupped Ianto’s face and made him look Jack in the eye. “Neither are you Ianto Jones. Neither are you.” Jack moved in to give his lover a kiss but Ianto moved away and got up.
“You humiliated me Jack. You have done nothing to show me otherwise. It is clear that to me, you are not a shag. However, you only prove time and time again that I am. I even got a pity visit tonight from Owen for fuck’s sake. Him and Tosh came over because of the little stunt you pulled with Gwen tonight. I’ve always known that you have feelings for her. I’ve even come to accept that one day I will most likely loose you to her. I only ask that you admit what this is not only to me but to yourself. If I am just a shag, fine. But don’t have me live a lie so that you don’t feel guilty.”
Jack got up and put his hands on Ianto’s shoulders. “Ianto, do you want the truth?” Ianto looked at him. “I really don’t know any more Jack. I’m afraid that the truth will destroy everything but I think I deserve it. So it’s your decision if you will grace me with the truth, for once.” Jack’s grip tightened. “You asked for the truth, I’ll tell you the truth.” He took a deep breath. “Yes, Ianto, I love Gwen. I love Toshiko and at least three days a week I love Owen too. I would gladly die for any of them. But you know what I do for you, Ianto? I live for you. I fight so hard to stay alive because I know what it does to you. I see the look in your eyes when you know I’m dying, and the look when I first come back. I know how you feel for me Ianto Jones. And I know that even with everything I am, and all the things I want but can’t tell you, you still have the same feelings for me.
“I may have been a con man so many years ago but I’ve changed. I’ve loved and lost and grieved and moved on so many times. I swore I’d never do it again. I’d take them and leave them. No strings, no feelings, no commitments.” He moved his hands down Ianto’s arms. “Then you came along and saved my life. And you Jones, Ianto Jones keep saving my life. You give me a reason to come out of the darkness.” He took Ianto’s hands. “Gwen could never do that. I’d miss her if she left. But that is all.”
Ianto had a sad smile on his face but a hint of hope in his eyes. “Are you in love with her Jack? No riddles, and no cryptic answers you know I won’t be able to decipher. Just a simple yes or no will do.” Jack moved his hands to Ianto’s face and forced him to look Jack in the eye. “I’m not in love Gwen. And I am so sorry that I made you feel that I am anything but committed to you.” Jack moved to kiss Ianto and this time Ianto didn’t move away. This kiss was not full of need or desire. Ianto could only describe it to himself as pure. This kiss was Jack’s pure feelings for Ianto. This was everything Jack couldn’t say. After what felt like eternity they broke away. Jack rested his forehead against Ianto’s and they felt each other’s breath against their cheeks. “It’s only you Ianto. I was just your’s the moment you said ‘As long as it’s not in an office.’”