The Psychology of Love
Title: The Psychology of Love
Pairings: angry!Heechul/Siwon, mentions of Hangeng/Siwon and Heechul/Hangeng.
Rating: R simply because Heechul is a potty mouth.
Warnings: This deals with religion a bit, in a not quite pleasant way. Might want to skip it if you're easily offended where religious stuff is concerned. This is also a horribly angsty chapter, but is necessary to lead up to the Sihanchul coming next.
Length: 2243 words.
Summary: Number eight in the series that contains Higher Learning, Detention, Class Reunion, Locker Room, Anatomy 101, Home Economics, and Ph.D. in Perversion. Heechul lashes out at Siwon and attempts to yank the halo right off of his head.
Siwon woke to someone gently shaking his shoulder. He groaned softly and turned away from the source of the disturbance, attempting to pull the blanket over his head. He was so utterly exhausted, so absolutely unwilling to move from his position in the bed, but the hand that had been shaking his shoulder moments ago was now pulling the blanket away.
“Siwon, you have to wake up.” The blanket was yanked all the way off before Kyuhyun went back to shaking Siwon’s shoulder. Siwon really couldn’t understand how Kyuhyun could be awake and functioning after all the things they had done. Every muscle in Siwon’s body ached, but he wasn’t about to ask for a massage. He’d made that mistake once the night before with Sungmin, only to wind up getting groped and molested more until he really did think he was going to pass out.
“I’ll get up later. Let me sleep.” He pulled his pillow over his head then, only to have that tugged away as well.
“No, you have to get up now. Heechul’s here, he wants to talk to you.” Siwon’s head lifted at that, perking up a bit. He hadn’t seen Heechul in ages. He pushed himself up and begun to slide from the bed with a smile on his face until he happened to notice how serious Kyuhyun looked. His smile fell away then, reaching to the floor to grab his boxers and pull them on, then his pants.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Heechul… he’s not happy you’re here.” Kyuhyun handed Siwon his shirt then, frowning a bit. “I’ll call you later, alright?”
Siwon nodded, a slight frown on his face as he slipped his shirt on. He was puzzled as to why Heechul wouldn’t be happy he was there. Was there something going on between Kyu and Heechul that he didn’t know about? He stepped out of the bedroom, leaving Kyuhyun behind, and headed down the hall and into the living room where Heechul was waiting near the door, arms crossed over his chest. He certainly looked upset, but Siwon decided to plaster on his best smile anyways, holding his arms out as he began to approach him.
“Hyung! Long time no-”
“Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear it.” He opened the door then, pointing out to his car which was sitting in the driveway. If Siwon had a tail, it would’ve been quickly tucked between his legs. He bit his lip though, slipping past Heechul and out the door. He still didn’t understand why he was angry, but he figured now wasn’t the best time to ask. Heechul followed after Siwon, sliding into the driver’s seat of his car after Siwon had slipped into the passenger’s side. They headed off then, with Heechul not even bothering to glance in Siwon’s direction. Siwon was tempted to say something, anything, but he knew better. If Heechul was anything like he used to be, it was always best to steer clear of him when he was in a foul mood, and unfortunately Siwon was now trapped in a car with a very cranky Heechul. Siwon was correct in assuming Heechul wasn’t in the mood for small talk.
Heechul drove to a rather quiet little park not all that far away from where Siwon used to live, and parked the car in a shady spot before shutting it off and unbuckling himself. Siwon did the same then, only daring to slip out of the car once Heechul was already halfway out.
Heechul turned to face him once they were both out, the scowl on his face seeming to have worsened since they left Kyuhyun’s place.
“What the hell are you doing here, Siwon?” Siwon blinked, looking at Heechul oddly.
“…you brought me here.”
“Don’t play stupid with me, Siwon. Why did you come back?” Siwon’s mouth opened to respond, only to close again, realizing he didn’t have an answer, simply because he wasn’t quite sure what Heechul was getting at.
“You just drop Hangeng like a piece of rotten meat; put us all in such a bad situation that the band splits up, and then you just walk away as if you didn’t do a thing! And you ignore us all for five years and then think you can just show up again like nothing ever happened!? That takes a lot of fucking nerve, Siwon!”
“I didn’t ignore you!”
“The hell you didn’t…” Heechul crossed his arms over his chest, moving around the car to step towards Siwon. “Were we not good enough for you anymore? Not holy enough to fit into your fucking pious lifestyle?!”
Siwon scowled, lifting his own arms up to cross them over his muscled chest as well. “I was busy with my father’s business! And I kept in touch!”
“Really? So when was Kangin married? Or what about Donghae or Leeteuk? When were their children born? When did Hangeng and Kyuhyun graduate from college? Come on, since you kept in touch you should know all of this stuff.” Siwon frowned, more at himself this time, realizing he didn’t know the answer to any of those questions.
“Well maybe I don’t know because I wasn’t included in all of that…” Heechul rolled his eyes, turning his head to look away for a moment.
“The only reason you weren’t included is because you decided to not include yourself. You were sent invitations to every wedding, every baby shower, and every birthday party. You never responded to a single one.”
“I was busy…”
“And you think the rest of us weren’t? You think we were sitting on our asses twiddling our thumbs waiting for something to do!? We all have our own lives, Siwon. Our own jobs. But this USED to be a family, and you’re supposed to make time for your family. But as far as I’m concerned you turned your back on us the day you turned your back on Hangeng.”
“Heechul, what happened between Hangeng and I is really none of your business…” Heechul’s eyebrows raised then, lifting high on his forehead as a bitter sounding laugh left him.
“Really? And I suppose it’s none of my business knowing how hard he cried, right? How he’d cry until he made himself sick, all because of you. Oh he always put on a smile for you and pretended everything was alright, but you never hung around long enough to see him cry himself to sleep every night. You didn’t bother to hang around long enough to see how much weight he lost because he couldn’t bring himself to eat. Yet you have the nerve to tell me this is none of my business? You’re nothing but an egotistical sack of shit, Siwon. How the fuck do you get off calling yourself a Christian when you treat someone so cruelly like that?”
Siwon frowned once more, arms remaining crossed as he leaned back against the side of Heechul’s car. “I don’t believe you. Maybe he was sad but it wasn’t that bad. He got married, he moved on.”
Heechul snorted, letting his eyes roll once more. “Please. His wife is queerer than a three dollar bill. Of course you would’ve known that if you kept in touch like you swear you did.”
Siwon blinked, brows arching as he looked back over to Heechul. “His wife is what?”
“She’s a lesbian, Siwon. She likes chicks, and Hangeng likes dicks. She was some friend of his when they were young, always kept in touch and stuff. Her family was pressuring her to get married; his family was pressuring him, so they married each other and slept in separate bedrooms. She looks manlier than he does, really, but she’s a nice girl, I like her. But then again, lesbianism is a sin to you, isn’t it? So I’m sure you would’ve found her repulsive… even though how many guys have you slept with since you’ve been back? I’m sure your wife is proud, isn’t she?”
Siwon frowned, lowering his eyes to look down at his feet. He felt rather ashamed, realizing he hadn’t thought of his wife at all in the past few days, hadn’t even bothered to call to see how she was doing, but then again she hadn’t tried to call him either.
“You’re nothing but a hypocrite, Siwon. But you don’t get to have your cake and eat it too. Hangeng never got over you, and I am NOT going to stand here and let you ruin his life again.”
“I didn’t ruin his life, Heechul! Damnit… why are you making me out to be the bad guy in this! It wasn’t right for us to be together! And I don’t care what you say, it’s been five years, he’s moved on! He has his own life now.”
“You’re egotistical, hypocritical, and stupid too, Siwon. You ever wonder why he never went back to China? Never went back to stay with his family, as much as he misses them?”
“I just figured he’d liked Korea better.”
“He never went back because he always thought one day you’d come back. That you’d come back and say you were sorry and everything would be okay just like it you to be. He was afraid that if he’d left, he’d lose out on his second chance, because he was naïve enough to think you’d give him one, as if HE was the one who did something wrong.” Heechul stepped closer, reaching out to poke at Siwon’s chest none too gently.
“You have no idea how hard he tried to make himself ‘less gay’ for you. How hard he tried to be something that you would like again. But you ignored it all. You ignored him, but are you dumb enough to think he didn’t see how you kept hanging on to everyone else? How you’d hug and squeeze them and snuggle against them, yet you never dared to touch him again… you think he didn’t notice? That’s all he was able to see, and it ate him up on the inside. But he kept putting on his happy face for you, for the whole world.”
Not only was Siwon’s body aching, his heart was beginning to ache too. He knew leaving Hangeng had hurt the Chinese man, but Siwon had never realized how much.
“You have no idea the hell he went through, Siwon. Maybe the next time you see him you should look at his wrists… count how many scars are there. Maybe then you’ll realize how much damage you’ve done… how many times you made him want to end his life. But he never was able to cut deep enough because he always made himself think there’d be a second chance.” Siwon swallowed hard upon hearing that, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes when he felt tears forming.
“You need to seriously get your head glued on straight, Siwon. This might be fun and games to you now, but you can’t keep playing forever. If you stay he’s going to get attached again, and then when you leave it’ll start all over. I know you’ll leave too, because you don’t have the fucking balls to stay, you never did. You hide behind your religion; try to use it as your shield, but it’s not going to work this time. Make up your mind this time… Either stay for good or leave. I’ll tear you apart myself if you make him cry again.”
Siwon bit his lip, lifting his eyes up to Heechul. He’d always known Heechul was protective of those he called friends, but this almost seemed to be a bit much. “…You love him, don’t you?”
Heechul fell silent for a moment then, looking at Siwon as if he was debating on what to say. “…Loved. Past tense. I learned a long time ago there was no point in me chasing after someone that was so enamored with someone else. I still care for him, but I know we’ll never be together. He loves you far too much to be with me.”
“He’d probably be better off with you.”
“Probably, but that doesn’t mean anything to him. If it did he wouldn’t still be hung up on you.”
Siwon sniffled, wiping at his eyes once more. “I can’t just leave my wife..”
“Then leave Hangeng. You pick one or the other, not both. Grow a backbone and leave your wife to be with a man who loves you more than life itself, or go back to your wife and keep living a lie.” Heechul tilted his head to the side, eyeing Siwon. “Though I thought Christians weren’t supposed to lie.”
Siwon brought both hands up to his face then, rubbing it slowly. He felt more horrid now than he ever remembered feeling before, knowing that whatever he did, someone was going to be hurt, and he didn’t like hurting anyone. Heechul reached out, nudging Siwon away from the car before he headed back over to the drivers side.
“I’m going… maybe the walk back will give you enough time to think and make up your mind.”
Siwon blinked, looking to Heechul right as he slipped into the car. He backed out of the parking spot and drove off; leaving Siwon standing right where he’d left him. He frowned, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he headed off; beginning the long walk back to Hangeng’s where his things were.
A/N: Inspired by this fanvideo.
Pairings: angry!Heechul/Siwon, mentions of Hangeng/Siwon and Heechul/Hangeng.
Rating: R simply because Heechul is a potty mouth.
Warnings: This deals with religion a bit, in a not quite pleasant way. Might want to skip it if you're easily offended where religious stuff is concerned. This is also a horribly angsty chapter, but is necessary to lead up to the Sihanchul coming next.
Length: 2243 words.
Summary: Number eight in the series that contains Higher Learning, Detention, Class Reunion, Locker Room, Anatomy 101, Home Economics, and Ph.D. in Perversion. Heechul lashes out at Siwon and attempts to yank the halo right off of his head.
Siwon woke to someone gently shaking his shoulder. He groaned softly and turned away from the source of the disturbance, attempting to pull the blanket over his head. He was so utterly exhausted, so absolutely unwilling to move from his position in the bed, but the hand that had been shaking his shoulder moments ago was now pulling the blanket away.
“Siwon, you have to wake up.” The blanket was yanked all the way off before Kyuhyun went back to shaking Siwon’s shoulder. Siwon really couldn’t understand how Kyuhyun could be awake and functioning after all the things they had done. Every muscle in Siwon’s body ached, but he wasn’t about to ask for a massage. He’d made that mistake once the night before with Sungmin, only to wind up getting groped and molested more until he really did think he was going to pass out.
“I’ll get up later. Let me sleep.” He pulled his pillow over his head then, only to have that tugged away as well.
“No, you have to get up now. Heechul’s here, he wants to talk to you.” Siwon’s head lifted at that, perking up a bit. He hadn’t seen Heechul in ages. He pushed himself up and begun to slide from the bed with a smile on his face until he happened to notice how serious Kyuhyun looked. His smile fell away then, reaching to the floor to grab his boxers and pull them on, then his pants.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Heechul… he’s not happy you’re here.” Kyuhyun handed Siwon his shirt then, frowning a bit. “I’ll call you later, alright?”
Siwon nodded, a slight frown on his face as he slipped his shirt on. He was puzzled as to why Heechul wouldn’t be happy he was there. Was there something going on between Kyu and Heechul that he didn’t know about? He stepped out of the bedroom, leaving Kyuhyun behind, and headed down the hall and into the living room where Heechul was waiting near the door, arms crossed over his chest. He certainly looked upset, but Siwon decided to plaster on his best smile anyways, holding his arms out as he began to approach him.
“Hyung! Long time no-”
“Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear it.” He opened the door then, pointing out to his car which was sitting in the driveway. If Siwon had a tail, it would’ve been quickly tucked between his legs. He bit his lip though, slipping past Heechul and out the door. He still didn’t understand why he was angry, but he figured now wasn’t the best time to ask. Heechul followed after Siwon, sliding into the driver’s seat of his car after Siwon had slipped into the passenger’s side. They headed off then, with Heechul not even bothering to glance in Siwon’s direction. Siwon was tempted to say something, anything, but he knew better. If Heechul was anything like he used to be, it was always best to steer clear of him when he was in a foul mood, and unfortunately Siwon was now trapped in a car with a very cranky Heechul. Siwon was correct in assuming Heechul wasn’t in the mood for small talk.
Heechul drove to a rather quiet little park not all that far away from where Siwon used to live, and parked the car in a shady spot before shutting it off and unbuckling himself. Siwon did the same then, only daring to slip out of the car once Heechul was already halfway out.
Heechul turned to face him once they were both out, the scowl on his face seeming to have worsened since they left Kyuhyun’s place.
“What the hell are you doing here, Siwon?” Siwon blinked, looking at Heechul oddly.
“…you brought me here.”
“Don’t play stupid with me, Siwon. Why did you come back?” Siwon’s mouth opened to respond, only to close again, realizing he didn’t have an answer, simply because he wasn’t quite sure what Heechul was getting at.
“You just drop Hangeng like a piece of rotten meat; put us all in such a bad situation that the band splits up, and then you just walk away as if you didn’t do a thing! And you ignore us all for five years and then think you can just show up again like nothing ever happened!? That takes a lot of fucking nerve, Siwon!”
“I didn’t ignore you!”
“The hell you didn’t…” Heechul crossed his arms over his chest, moving around the car to step towards Siwon. “Were we not good enough for you anymore? Not holy enough to fit into your fucking pious lifestyle?!”
Siwon scowled, lifting his own arms up to cross them over his muscled chest as well. “I was busy with my father’s business! And I kept in touch!”
“Really? So when was Kangin married? Or what about Donghae or Leeteuk? When were their children born? When did Hangeng and Kyuhyun graduate from college? Come on, since you kept in touch you should know all of this stuff.” Siwon frowned, more at himself this time, realizing he didn’t know the answer to any of those questions.
“Well maybe I don’t know because I wasn’t included in all of that…” Heechul rolled his eyes, turning his head to look away for a moment.
“The only reason you weren’t included is because you decided to not include yourself. You were sent invitations to every wedding, every baby shower, and every birthday party. You never responded to a single one.”
“I was busy…”
“And you think the rest of us weren’t? You think we were sitting on our asses twiddling our thumbs waiting for something to do!? We all have our own lives, Siwon. Our own jobs. But this USED to be a family, and you’re supposed to make time for your family. But as far as I’m concerned you turned your back on us the day you turned your back on Hangeng.”
“Heechul, what happened between Hangeng and I is really none of your business…” Heechul’s eyebrows raised then, lifting high on his forehead as a bitter sounding laugh left him.
“Really? And I suppose it’s none of my business knowing how hard he cried, right? How he’d cry until he made himself sick, all because of you. Oh he always put on a smile for you and pretended everything was alright, but you never hung around long enough to see him cry himself to sleep every night. You didn’t bother to hang around long enough to see how much weight he lost because he couldn’t bring himself to eat. Yet you have the nerve to tell me this is none of my business? You’re nothing but an egotistical sack of shit, Siwon. How the fuck do you get off calling yourself a Christian when you treat someone so cruelly like that?”
Siwon frowned once more, arms remaining crossed as he leaned back against the side of Heechul’s car. “I don’t believe you. Maybe he was sad but it wasn’t that bad. He got married, he moved on.”
Heechul snorted, letting his eyes roll once more. “Please. His wife is queerer than a three dollar bill. Of course you would’ve known that if you kept in touch like you swear you did.”
Siwon blinked, brows arching as he looked back over to Heechul. “His wife is what?”
“She’s a lesbian, Siwon. She likes chicks, and Hangeng likes dicks. She was some friend of his when they were young, always kept in touch and stuff. Her family was pressuring her to get married; his family was pressuring him, so they married each other and slept in separate bedrooms. She looks manlier than he does, really, but she’s a nice girl, I like her. But then again, lesbianism is a sin to you, isn’t it? So I’m sure you would’ve found her repulsive… even though how many guys have you slept with since you’ve been back? I’m sure your wife is proud, isn’t she?”
Siwon frowned, lowering his eyes to look down at his feet. He felt rather ashamed, realizing he hadn’t thought of his wife at all in the past few days, hadn’t even bothered to call to see how she was doing, but then again she hadn’t tried to call him either.
“You’re nothing but a hypocrite, Siwon. But you don’t get to have your cake and eat it too. Hangeng never got over you, and I am NOT going to stand here and let you ruin his life again.”
“I didn’t ruin his life, Heechul! Damnit… why are you making me out to be the bad guy in this! It wasn’t right for us to be together! And I don’t care what you say, it’s been five years, he’s moved on! He has his own life now.”
“You’re egotistical, hypocritical, and stupid too, Siwon. You ever wonder why he never went back to China? Never went back to stay with his family, as much as he misses them?”
“I just figured he’d liked Korea better.”
“He never went back because he always thought one day you’d come back. That you’d come back and say you were sorry and everything would be okay just like it you to be. He was afraid that if he’d left, he’d lose out on his second chance, because he was naïve enough to think you’d give him one, as if HE was the one who did something wrong.” Heechul stepped closer, reaching out to poke at Siwon’s chest none too gently.
“You have no idea how hard he tried to make himself ‘less gay’ for you. How hard he tried to be something that you would like again. But you ignored it all. You ignored him, but are you dumb enough to think he didn’t see how you kept hanging on to everyone else? How you’d hug and squeeze them and snuggle against them, yet you never dared to touch him again… you think he didn’t notice? That’s all he was able to see, and it ate him up on the inside. But he kept putting on his happy face for you, for the whole world.”
Not only was Siwon’s body aching, his heart was beginning to ache too. He knew leaving Hangeng had hurt the Chinese man, but Siwon had never realized how much.
“You have no idea the hell he went through, Siwon. Maybe the next time you see him you should look at his wrists… count how many scars are there. Maybe then you’ll realize how much damage you’ve done… how many times you made him want to end his life. But he never was able to cut deep enough because he always made himself think there’d be a second chance.” Siwon swallowed hard upon hearing that, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes when he felt tears forming.
“You need to seriously get your head glued on straight, Siwon. This might be fun and games to you now, but you can’t keep playing forever. If you stay he’s going to get attached again, and then when you leave it’ll start all over. I know you’ll leave too, because you don’t have the fucking balls to stay, you never did. You hide behind your religion; try to use it as your shield, but it’s not going to work this time. Make up your mind this time… Either stay for good or leave. I’ll tear you apart myself if you make him cry again.”
Siwon bit his lip, lifting his eyes up to Heechul. He’d always known Heechul was protective of those he called friends, but this almost seemed to be a bit much. “…You love him, don’t you?”
Heechul fell silent for a moment then, looking at Siwon as if he was debating on what to say. “…Loved. Past tense. I learned a long time ago there was no point in me chasing after someone that was so enamored with someone else. I still care for him, but I know we’ll never be together. He loves you far too much to be with me.”
“He’d probably be better off with you.”
“Probably, but that doesn’t mean anything to him. If it did he wouldn’t still be hung up on you.”
Siwon sniffled, wiping at his eyes once more. “I can’t just leave my wife..”
“Then leave Hangeng. You pick one or the other, not both. Grow a backbone and leave your wife to be with a man who loves you more than life itself, or go back to your wife and keep living a lie.” Heechul tilted his head to the side, eyeing Siwon. “Though I thought Christians weren’t supposed to lie.”
Siwon brought both hands up to his face then, rubbing it slowly. He felt more horrid now than he ever remembered feeling before, knowing that whatever he did, someone was going to be hurt, and he didn’t like hurting anyone. Heechul reached out, nudging Siwon away from the car before he headed back over to the drivers side.
“I’m going… maybe the walk back will give you enough time to think and make up your mind.”
Siwon blinked, looking to Heechul right as he slipped into the car. He backed out of the parking spot and drove off; leaving Siwon standing right where he’d left him. He frowned, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he headed off; beginning the long walk back to Hangeng’s where his things were.
A/N: Inspired by this fanvideo.