Wake Me When it's Over... (Leeteuk-centric)
Title: Wake Me When it's Over
Pairings: Leeteuk/Kangin, all others are mentioned.
Rating: PG-13 for attempted suicide.
Length: 4786 words
Summary: A continuation of the "After the Dust Settles" series... I've forgotten what chapter this is, and it's too late for me to dig around to find out. All of the others can be found here at my Master List. This story also mentions some things written in the EunHae continuation / side story that j_gabrielle wrote which can be found on her master list here. It's not necessary that you read her stories, but they're awesome and I highly reccommend it.
One of the first things Leeteuk sees when his eyes flutter open and he looks past the blurred face that he's pretty sure belongs to Heechul is the flash and swirl of multi-colored lights on the ceiling of the darkened bathroom. He vaguely felt the slap to his cheek from Heechul, he saw his lips moving but the sound was jumbled and nearly muted by the time it made it to Leeteuk's ears. His brain was foggy, his body felt light but heavy at the same time... light enough it felt as though he could just float away, but so heavy he wasn't able to get his limbs to move again. He vaguely remembered feeling cold... something about wet skin and cold air, but he wasn't able to focus enough to figure it out. His eyelids grew heavy then and began to close, and the last he remembered was a swarm of people storming into the room as Heechul shook him again, trying and failing to keep him awake.
*****
Leeteuk had wanted so badly to marry, to have children, and to have the wonderful family life that everyone had dreamed of. And he would've been lying if he said he wasn't jealous that all of that had just sort've fallen right into Kangin's lap. Leeteuk had remained the supportive hyung of course... but there was no point in denying that he thought he was a little more deserving. When Donghae found his mate and settled down and was soon blessed with a son that only compounded Leeteuk's frustrations.
Leeteuk met Eun Mi six months after that at a charity function for a children's hospital. She was pretty and tall... Leeteuk had thought she was a model at first, and had been rather surprised to find out she was the chief editor for South Korea's most popular fashion magazine, and that was what stole his heart. Pretty girls were always nice, but intelligent girls were better, and finding a gorgeous and intelligent girl? Well there was no way Leeteuk was going to let her slip out of his grasp. Their courtship was awkward and droned on for what seemed like forever. Their careers made it so they were both busy people and rarely had time off at the same time. Leeteuk had proposed in Venice on a gondola at sunset. She'd gone to Italy for work, and he had time off so he tagged along. He didn't even have a ring yet, but the opportunity had been so perfect he hadn't wanted to let it slip away just because of a minor technicality. They'd married three months later, he'd been surprised how she had a hard time making time to date, but she seemed to have plenty of time to plan an extravagant wedding, but he supposed that was just how women worked. It'd taken a while until she got pregnant, and though Leeteuk was absolutely thrilled, Eun Mi didn't seem to care one way or another. The day after the baby was born she was back to work with her laptop in her hospital bed while Leeteuk had sat in the rocker with his little Angel in his arms.
Though they had bickered before from time to time it hadn't been that bad... they were both busy people, stress made them cranky. But now that there was a child involved... a loud cranky child who never wanted to sleep through the night... well Leeteuk couldn't remember one peaceful day in the last six months. There'd been screaming matches, broken dishes, and slammed doors.... but Leeteuk still loved her. How could he not love the mother of his child, the woman who'd given him such an amazing gift? He loved her greatly, but as time wore on the more he hated the sight of her and her laptop. He couldn't remember the last time she even heated a bottle, and he was pretty sure she'd never changed a diaper. When Angel cried at night it was always Leeteuk to get out of bed to feed her and change her, to rock and sit with her. Eun Mi would always say she had to get up early in the morning, that she needed a good nights rest for her job... but never seemed to think that Leeteuk just might need sleep too. While his radio show was only on air for three hours, from nine to midnight, she never seemed to realize that he didn't get to just show up and start talking. There was plotting and planning to be done beforehand, research and interviews and promotions. And after midnight when the show wrapped up there was still more to do, things to review, notes to go over for the next day, and then a screaming baby to console. Leeteuk loved his wife, he loved his daughter even more, but with each day, each week that passed he grew more and more tired.
It was thankfully during one of Leeteuk's days off they'd had their worst argument yet. Leeteuk had tried to remain calm, really he did, but it just wasn't working. He'd tried to sit down and just talk with her about things; he'd tried to explain his concerns. But instead of talking with her he'd wound up talking at her, she'd still had her laptop in front of her, busily working away. And when he'd mentioned that, being the baby's mother and all, she should be doing part of the work her flippant remark that if he didn't want to do it anymore he should just hire a nanny sent him over the edge. While he did have a babysitter from time to time, he was not going to be a lazy parent and hire someone else to do a parent's job. Her next suggestion then to just quit his job because he was just a radio DJ and she was the editor for the most popular magazine and therefore more important was the last straw. He'd stormed off then, gathered his child and her things, and left. He hadn't known then exactly what he was going to do, but he knew he couldn't stay there, not anymore.
Angel wound up tucked securely in Siwon's arms while Hangeng begged Leeteuk to stay for dinner, but he'd refused. He wasn't in a good mood; he knew he wouldn't be good company. He promised them he just needed to go and blow off some steam and he'd be fine. Perhaps he'd go to the gym and run until his legs gave out, perhaps he'd check himself into the spa and stay for the weekend, soak in hot tubs and mud baths and have massages until every ounce of tension had been rubbed away. Or perhaps he'd do like Eunhyuk and just pack up and travel around the world for a little while. He'd thought the idea had been rediculous and immature when Eunhyuk had first told him... but now he understood. He knew he wouldn't be able to leave his daughter that long, but he'd be lying if he said the thought never crossed his mind. But instead of doing that he wound up at some bar in the heart of Seoul, drinking soju and eating salty snacks while watching others far more drunk than him try to play an uncoordinated game of billiards.
His phone beeped as he finished off his fourth bottle, and he pulled it from his pocket to look at the text message on the screen. It was from Kangin, asking what he was doing, and if he didn't know Kangin better he might've thought Hangeng had told him something. Kangin was the type that never liked to be bored though, and it was quite common for him to send messages like that to everyone, pick the most exciting activity that was going on, and then invite himself. Leeteuk had to struggle a little to press the right keys on his phone to respond to Kangin. He wasn't sure he got all of his words spelled right, and he had no clue what the other members responded with, but half an hour later Kangin was seated next to Leeteuk, shoulder to shoulder, and after that they were at their third bar on a 'pub crawl' as Kibum had called it once, some term Leeteuk assumed he'd picked up in America.
By the time the taxi arrived in front of Kangin's house, Leeteuk had already forgotten where exactly he'd left his car. He hadn't drank that much in a long, long time, and he was sure he'd be paying for it in the morning. He wasn't quite sure what he was doing back at Kangin's place either, though he was sure the feel of Kangin's lips as they meshed with his, the feel of Kangin's broad chest as it pressed against his, pinning him back against the door had something to do with it. They wound up as nothing more than a tangle of limbs and half shed clothing as they stumbled in and towards the bedroom Kangin shared with his wife. For just a fleeting moment Leeteuk was aware that they should not be doing this... they were both married, they both had children. But then Kangin bit at the skin just behind Leeteuk's ear and ground his hips and arousal against him, and Leeteuk forgot to protest. This wasn't the first time they'd done this, though it'd been years. Though Leeteuk had been horribly drunk, the feel of Kangin's body moving against his own brought back all those old memories... memories of pleasure, of happiness.... memories of love, and that was what Leeteuk needed. Love, kindness, and tenderness. Kangin worshiped Leeteuk's body with his kisses and caresses, and Leeteuk was falling for the man all over again.
Leeteuk's happiness and peaceful dreams were brought to an abrupt end when he woke to the feel of Kangin's strong hand gripping his shoulder, shaking him slightly. He groaned and turned over, flapping one hand about sleepily to try and shoo Kangin away so he could go back to sleep.
"Jungsu... wake up... I'm serious..." Leeteuk's eyes popped open at the use of his actual name... after all these years Leeteuk was still what most called him, he assumed because that was what he still used for his radio show. He lifted his head up, rolling back over to look at Kangin. The younger man had a rather serious look on his face, not at all what Leeteuk would've expected after such a wonderful round (or two) of love-making.
"You need to go... Sunny will be home in an hour or so.... she'll be pissed...." Leeteuk felt his heart sink hearing those words, though a moment later he was scolding himself for being so foolish, for being so stupid as to think this would work out well. He knew Kangin loved his wife... he loved his family. Why he thought that Kangin would somehow whisk him away and they would live a happy life together was beyond him, he should've known better. Kangin had all the love he needed already... he'd just wanted sex. Leeteuk also knew an angry Sunny was a force to be reckoned with... Kangin had wound up with a handprint on his face more than once for doing something stupid. That was why Leeteuk quietly nodded and slid from the bed, using the light from the bedside lamp that Kangin had turned on to gather his clothes and dress.
Kangin apologized quietly as he walked Leeteuk to the door after calling a taxi for him, and Leeteuk put on his best smile and simply nodded. He did as he always did... he pretended to understand, pretended like it was all okay, and agreed when Kangin promised he'd call him later in the week to see a movie or something. He slipped into the taxi and it pulled away just in time. By the time the car got to the end of the block he could see the headlights to what he assumed was Sunny's car pulling into the drive.
He paid the taxi driver to simply drive around Seoul for a while, and he sat in the back seat and pretended like he didn't want to break down and cry. Deep down he knew he had places to go... he knew he'd be welcomed into Hangeng's (and now Siwon's) home again and they'd both stay up all night talking with them if he wanted. He knew he could just as easily drop by to visit Sungmin and Kyuhyun, or ShinDong and his wife, or any of the other members. Even after all this time there were still times when they functioned as though they were in Super Junior, still times when they'd all wind up together no matter the time of day or night. It was Leeteuk's lack of self-esteem that kept him away though, he didn't want to be an inconvenience, he didn't want to bother. He didn't want to wake them up; they all had their own busy lives and needed their rest as well.
He eventually wound up back at his own home, paid the driver and tipped him well, and then headed on inside. He assumed his wife had finally gone to bed, all the lights were out. It felt a little strange to be in his home without his daughter there, but he wouldn't have felt right picking her up while he was hung-over... he didn't want to wake anyone up, either. Perhaps he might actually get some sleep this time, without his beloved Angel to wake him up every few hours to fuss about something. He was tempted to just go and crawl in bed in the guest room, but figured a bath was in order first. He slipped into the main bathroom as quietly as he could... it adjoined the master bedroom and the last thing he needed right now was to wake his wife up and have her throw a fit about it. He popped open the door to the medicine cabinet as he stood at the sink, and took out the bottle of pain pills, since his head was already starting to throb. He'd almost shut the cabinet back when the bottle of prescription sleeping pills caught his attention. They'd all had the same prescription at one point in time; their lives had been so hectic with the success of their group that they had so little time to actually wind down before sleeping that they took sleeping pills to go to sleep and caffeine pills to wake up in the morning. Some had taken them regularly, some only when they needed them. Some still took them, some didn't... it was just a fact of life. Leeteuk didn't take his all that often even though he knew he should've. But he was always afraid Angel would cry and he'd be so sound asleep he wouldn't hear it. But tonight... tonight she was well taken care of by another loving couple... tonight he could sleep.
He hadn't started off suicidal, not at all. But if one pill would help him sleep, maybe two would help him sleep a little more... and then the thought passed through his mind that maybe he just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again. Sleep was good... there was no pain, no sadness, only comfort. He could sleep and dream and escape his life. Two pills turned into three, and with alcohol impairing his judgment three pills turned into... an empty bottle. He decided then a nice hot bath would be nice too, it'd help him relax before he went to sleep, and if he was relaxed he'd sleep even better without tossing and turning because of aches and pains all night. He ran the tub full of water until it was nearly overflowing before he shut the tap off and got in.
He didn't quite remember just when his phone rang, he couldn't remember if he'd been daydreaming or actually sleeping, but the ringer had startled him out of it. He leaned over the side of the tub and fished the phone out of his pants pocket with fingers that felt half numb, glancing briefly at the ID before he flipped it open and put it to his ear to answer. He hadn't thought he had lost his ability to speak properly... his words sounded just fine to him when he said them, but apparently Heechul was disturbed and alarmed, and the more Leeteuk spoke (or tried to) the more nervous the seemingly unflappable Heechul got. Leeteuk wasn't even sure when the conversation ended with Heechul's promise to be right over... he only knew it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold his head upright.
Heechul found the spare key under the mat where Leeteuk always kept it, let himself in, and hurried to the bathroom. It wasn't as though he'd never seen Leeteuk drunk, or had a drunken conversation, he had many times. But this had been something more, he could tell by the emptiness in Leeteuk's voice on the phone. When he pushed the door to the bathroom open he found Leeteuk unconscious with the cell phone floating in the water. Leeteuk's body was slouched... his chin touching the top of the water... a few more inches down and Leeteuk wouldn't be able to breathe. Heechul rushed to haul his friend from the tub and onto the cold tile floor, quickly pulling his own phone out to call for an ambulance.
******
The group of men had sat in the hall in the emergency room for hours that night. Heechul had called Kibum first, surprised that he'd answered. Kibum wasn't the chatty type... he said he talked to Heechul enough at home, he didn't need to talk to him on the phone too, but then again Kibum had seen Heechul leave in a rush, and he knew for Heechul to be calling him at that time of night, something had to be wrong. From there Kibum had called Donghae, Donghae called Hangeng, and word spread out from there. Only ShinDong and Eunhyuk were missing... Eunhyuk had never answered and ShinDong promised to come as soon as they finished filming. They'd all sat and waited crowded into a small space on uncomfortable plastic chairs... they'd waited and worried as Leeteuk nearly stopped breathing, they'd waited even longer as his stomach was pumped. Eventually when Leeteuk stabilized he was moved to the fifth floor, to a private room, and the former members of Super Junior moved with him. Some slept in chairs, some slept on blankets and sheets on the floor, and a guilty looking Kangin stayed propped against the wall, keeping watch all night until he could no longer keep his head up.
Leeteuk had no idea what time it was when he opened his eyes again... he didn't know what day it was, nor did he even know where he was. But his stomach ached, his throat was sore, and he knew he felt far worse than he'd ever felt before. It wasn't until he lifted his arm to try and rub his eyes that he saw the hospital band around the wrist, saw the IVs taped into his arm and the tubes that led from them to bags hung on hooks next to the bed he was in. It was only then that he remembered, but they were only vague memories. Vague memories of the burn of alcohol, vague memories of heated kisses, and vague memories of the tang of the pills as he swallowed them down. It was enough to cause tears to well in his eyes, and he brought the other hand up (without all the tubes attached) to cover his eyes. He hadn't even been aware anyone else was in the room until a husky voice, one he'd recognize anywhere as Yesung's, mumbled to the others that Leeteuk was awake. A warm hand slipped into his to squeeze it then, and when he moved his other hand away to look he saw Siwon there, smiling softly down at him. The urge to cry was even greater then, and Leeteuk found it even more difficult to focus on Siwon when heavy tears were rapidly welling and falling from his eyes.
"I'm sorry... I just..."
"It's okay... you don't have to explain if you don't want. We're just all glad you're awake..." Siwon squeezed his hand to reassure him, plucking a tissue from a box on the bedside table to gently wipe at Leeteuk's eyes.
"All? Everyone?"
"Everyone but Eunhyuk... he didn't answer, but we left messages so I'm sure he'll be by as soon as he gets them." Leeteuk felt bad at that moment in time for not telling one Eunhyuk had run off, but judging by the solemn look on everyone's faces now wasn't the time. It was then that a thought popped into his head, one that made his eyes widen and made him struggle to sit up.
"If you're here, where's Angel?!"
"My wife is watching her..." Donghae smiled softly from where he sat off in the corner, bringing a hand up to wipe the sleep from the corners of his eyes. "Figured she should make friends with Jay..." Leeteuk relaxed back into his bed then, back into the pillows that Hangeng had taken the opportunity to fluff when he'd sat up. He supposed he still loved his wife, but he was sure if the baby had been left with her she would've starved and never been changed again.
Gradually they all began to chat, though they were all careful to avoid the reason why they were all there. ShinDong told them funny stories about the Star King taping from the night before, Sungmin talked about his latest adventure into making his own wine and how his feet were still purple and that he thought he was going to leave it to the professionals from now on. Ryeowook sang them a bit of the latest song he'd been working on, and Yesung spoke of the next shoot he was scheduled to film for his animal show at a marina on the coast.
It was nearing noon and Leeteuk was feeling better, feeling far more cared for and loved than he had in quite a long time, having all of his closest friends their. Their old manager had even stopped by for a while, even Onew and the other members of ShinEE came by for a quick visit when they had time between variety show tapings. Leeteuk had wondered what they had been told at first, but he overheard Taemin scolding Jinki about his drinking habits as they left, warning Jinki that he better not wind up with alcohol poisoning too, and it was then that Leeteuk realized someone had fibbed a little, and for that he was thankful. They were just getting around to discussing what to order lunch when someone else came into the room, muttering and cursing under her breath about a horrible flight and how Korean traffic was much worse than Chinese traffic. Hangeng snorted, looking to the door with a grin playing upon his lips.
"I was wondering when you'd get here..."
"Oh shut it! You act like I still know my way around..."
Leeteuk blinked, squinting a moment before his eyes widened. "....Jia?!" The Chinese girl stopped her bickering and smiled, lifting a hand to wave.
"Teukie! How are you feeling?" Her Korean was just as thickly accented now as it always was, but it was easily understood. Leeteuk shifted to sit himself up in bed once more; rubbing his eyes before he looked to her again, just to make sure it really was Hangeng's wife he was seeing.
"What are you doing here?!"
"I came to visit for a while... came to sign divorce papers. Hangeng and I have decided to make it official. No need of him being tied to me when he finally found the one he was looking for..." She was all smiles though as she made her way over to the bed to hug Leeteuk tightly. Leeteuk laughed, lifting a hand up to rub her head, her hair buzzed just about as short as it could possibly get.
"I swear your hair gets shorter every time..."
"I know... I'll be bald next time you see me!"
Jia was just straightening up from the hug when another woman stomped her way in to the room. She looked cross to begin with, but when she saw everyone there, saw the relaxed atmosphere, her scowl deepened even further.
"What.... this is what I left my business lunch early for? You're in the hospital... you're supposed to be dying or whatever but you're here hanging out with your friends!? I left work for this? Are you kidding me?" The room fell silent, everyone turning their attention to the angry Eun Mi at the door. She marched right after to stand at the foot of Leeteuk's bed, both hands on her hips. "Is this your idea of getting attention? Is it?! I can't believe you, pulling this shit! They wake me up in the middle of the night because of this and nothing happens, you don't die, nothing. And now I leave work because of you and you're just fine and hanging out?! Do you have any idea how much work I have to do!? This is absolute bullshit Jungsu! I swear if I miss one thing because of you-" Her rant was cut off abruptly by the sound of an open palm meeting her cheek, the sound of the stinging smack echoing in the small room.
Jia's palm flushed a deep red color from the force of it, but she ignored it, shoving Eun Mi backwards and towards the door where she came from. She knew enough Korean to get by on a daily basis, but not enough to give someone a good talking to. She scolded Eun Mi in rapid fire Chinese though, grabbing the woman's arm and escorting her right to the door before shoving her right on out and shutting it behind her. Leeteuk understood some Chinese but not that much... though judging by the wild-eyed look on Hangeng's (and other SuJu-M's) faces, he probably didn't want to know what was said. Jia turned around then, hands on her hips as she faced Leeteuk, switching back to her heavily accented Korean.
"Your wife is a bitch."
Before, he might've been tempted to defend her; she was his wife after all. He might've been tempted to defend her behavior, to excuse it as simply stress... but now... though the time he'd spent without her that day had been filled with medication, it'd also been filled with laughter shared amongst friends. It'd been filled with relaxing time catching up on the present, sharing future plans and past memories. It was then that Leeteuk realized that perhaps Siwon hadn't been the only one who needed to learn a lesson the hard way. Leeteuk had been so focused on wanting to have a family that he'd missed out on the family that had been there all along. He'd been so focused on being the perfect husband, the perfect father, and was just now realizing perfection wasn't possible... it was more pain and stress than it was worth. They were all flawed in one way or another, none of them had a perfect relationship... they were all full of complications. But the sense of love and caring in the room was positively overwhelming.
He could've kicked himself for the risk he'd taken, he'd nearly ended his own life, nearly caused his Angel to lose her father because her father was being selfish. He knew then that being the best father he could meant letting his daughter see him make his mistakes... letting her see him pick up the pieces and move on... perhaps someday down the road seeing that would give her strength and courage all her own, because if daddy could make it through hard times then maybe she could too. He could raise his daughter... him and his family. He wouldn't need babysitters or nannies, because she had fourteen other uncles, numerous aunties, nieces and nephews... she had a big and loving family, and they'd be alright, he just knew they would.
Leeteuk couldn't help but to smile then as he lay back in his bed, letting his hands rest on his stomach as he watched the other people in the room chat amongst themselves, bickering over what to order for lunch. He knew they'd all be okay, somehow.
Maybe there was such a thing as a happy ending after all.
Pairings: Leeteuk/Kangin, all others are mentioned.
Rating: PG-13 for attempted suicide.
Length: 4786 words
Summary: A continuation of the "After the Dust Settles" series... I've forgotten what chapter this is, and it's too late for me to dig around to find out. All of the others can be found here at my Master List. This story also mentions some things written in the EunHae continuation / side story that j_gabrielle wrote which can be found on her master list here. It's not necessary that you read her stories, but they're awesome and I highly reccommend it.
One of the first things Leeteuk sees when his eyes flutter open and he looks past the blurred face that he's pretty sure belongs to Heechul is the flash and swirl of multi-colored lights on the ceiling of the darkened bathroom. He vaguely felt the slap to his cheek from Heechul, he saw his lips moving but the sound was jumbled and nearly muted by the time it made it to Leeteuk's ears. His brain was foggy, his body felt light but heavy at the same time... light enough it felt as though he could just float away, but so heavy he wasn't able to get his limbs to move again. He vaguely remembered feeling cold... something about wet skin and cold air, but he wasn't able to focus enough to figure it out. His eyelids grew heavy then and began to close, and the last he remembered was a swarm of people storming into the room as Heechul shook him again, trying and failing to keep him awake.
*****
Leeteuk had wanted so badly to marry, to have children, and to have the wonderful family life that everyone had dreamed of. And he would've been lying if he said he wasn't jealous that all of that had just sort've fallen right into Kangin's lap. Leeteuk had remained the supportive hyung of course... but there was no point in denying that he thought he was a little more deserving. When Donghae found his mate and settled down and was soon blessed with a son that only compounded Leeteuk's frustrations.
Leeteuk met Eun Mi six months after that at a charity function for a children's hospital. She was pretty and tall... Leeteuk had thought she was a model at first, and had been rather surprised to find out she was the chief editor for South Korea's most popular fashion magazine, and that was what stole his heart. Pretty girls were always nice, but intelligent girls were better, and finding a gorgeous and intelligent girl? Well there was no way Leeteuk was going to let her slip out of his grasp. Their courtship was awkward and droned on for what seemed like forever. Their careers made it so they were both busy people and rarely had time off at the same time. Leeteuk had proposed in Venice on a gondola at sunset. She'd gone to Italy for work, and he had time off so he tagged along. He didn't even have a ring yet, but the opportunity had been so perfect he hadn't wanted to let it slip away just because of a minor technicality. They'd married three months later, he'd been surprised how she had a hard time making time to date, but she seemed to have plenty of time to plan an extravagant wedding, but he supposed that was just how women worked. It'd taken a while until she got pregnant, and though Leeteuk was absolutely thrilled, Eun Mi didn't seem to care one way or another. The day after the baby was born she was back to work with her laptop in her hospital bed while Leeteuk had sat in the rocker with his little Angel in his arms.
Though they had bickered before from time to time it hadn't been that bad... they were both busy people, stress made them cranky. But now that there was a child involved... a loud cranky child who never wanted to sleep through the night... well Leeteuk couldn't remember one peaceful day in the last six months. There'd been screaming matches, broken dishes, and slammed doors.... but Leeteuk still loved her. How could he not love the mother of his child, the woman who'd given him such an amazing gift? He loved her greatly, but as time wore on the more he hated the sight of her and her laptop. He couldn't remember the last time she even heated a bottle, and he was pretty sure she'd never changed a diaper. When Angel cried at night it was always Leeteuk to get out of bed to feed her and change her, to rock and sit with her. Eun Mi would always say she had to get up early in the morning, that she needed a good nights rest for her job... but never seemed to think that Leeteuk just might need sleep too. While his radio show was only on air for three hours, from nine to midnight, she never seemed to realize that he didn't get to just show up and start talking. There was plotting and planning to be done beforehand, research and interviews and promotions. And after midnight when the show wrapped up there was still more to do, things to review, notes to go over for the next day, and then a screaming baby to console. Leeteuk loved his wife, he loved his daughter even more, but with each day, each week that passed he grew more and more tired.
It was thankfully during one of Leeteuk's days off they'd had their worst argument yet. Leeteuk had tried to remain calm, really he did, but it just wasn't working. He'd tried to sit down and just talk with her about things; he'd tried to explain his concerns. But instead of talking with her he'd wound up talking at her, she'd still had her laptop in front of her, busily working away. And when he'd mentioned that, being the baby's mother and all, she should be doing part of the work her flippant remark that if he didn't want to do it anymore he should just hire a nanny sent him over the edge. While he did have a babysitter from time to time, he was not going to be a lazy parent and hire someone else to do a parent's job. Her next suggestion then to just quit his job because he was just a radio DJ and she was the editor for the most popular magazine and therefore more important was the last straw. He'd stormed off then, gathered his child and her things, and left. He hadn't known then exactly what he was going to do, but he knew he couldn't stay there, not anymore.
Angel wound up tucked securely in Siwon's arms while Hangeng begged Leeteuk to stay for dinner, but he'd refused. He wasn't in a good mood; he knew he wouldn't be good company. He promised them he just needed to go and blow off some steam and he'd be fine. Perhaps he'd go to the gym and run until his legs gave out, perhaps he'd check himself into the spa and stay for the weekend, soak in hot tubs and mud baths and have massages until every ounce of tension had been rubbed away. Or perhaps he'd do like Eunhyuk and just pack up and travel around the world for a little while. He'd thought the idea had been rediculous and immature when Eunhyuk had first told him... but now he understood. He knew he wouldn't be able to leave his daughter that long, but he'd be lying if he said the thought never crossed his mind. But instead of doing that he wound up at some bar in the heart of Seoul, drinking soju and eating salty snacks while watching others far more drunk than him try to play an uncoordinated game of billiards.
His phone beeped as he finished off his fourth bottle, and he pulled it from his pocket to look at the text message on the screen. It was from Kangin, asking what he was doing, and if he didn't know Kangin better he might've thought Hangeng had told him something. Kangin was the type that never liked to be bored though, and it was quite common for him to send messages like that to everyone, pick the most exciting activity that was going on, and then invite himself. Leeteuk had to struggle a little to press the right keys on his phone to respond to Kangin. He wasn't sure he got all of his words spelled right, and he had no clue what the other members responded with, but half an hour later Kangin was seated next to Leeteuk, shoulder to shoulder, and after that they were at their third bar on a 'pub crawl' as Kibum had called it once, some term Leeteuk assumed he'd picked up in America.
By the time the taxi arrived in front of Kangin's house, Leeteuk had already forgotten where exactly he'd left his car. He hadn't drank that much in a long, long time, and he was sure he'd be paying for it in the morning. He wasn't quite sure what he was doing back at Kangin's place either, though he was sure the feel of Kangin's lips as they meshed with his, the feel of Kangin's broad chest as it pressed against his, pinning him back against the door had something to do with it. They wound up as nothing more than a tangle of limbs and half shed clothing as they stumbled in and towards the bedroom Kangin shared with his wife. For just a fleeting moment Leeteuk was aware that they should not be doing this... they were both married, they both had children. But then Kangin bit at the skin just behind Leeteuk's ear and ground his hips and arousal against him, and Leeteuk forgot to protest. This wasn't the first time they'd done this, though it'd been years. Though Leeteuk had been horribly drunk, the feel of Kangin's body moving against his own brought back all those old memories... memories of pleasure, of happiness.... memories of love, and that was what Leeteuk needed. Love, kindness, and tenderness. Kangin worshiped Leeteuk's body with his kisses and caresses, and Leeteuk was falling for the man all over again.
Leeteuk's happiness and peaceful dreams were brought to an abrupt end when he woke to the feel of Kangin's strong hand gripping his shoulder, shaking him slightly. He groaned and turned over, flapping one hand about sleepily to try and shoo Kangin away so he could go back to sleep.
"Jungsu... wake up... I'm serious..." Leeteuk's eyes popped open at the use of his actual name... after all these years Leeteuk was still what most called him, he assumed because that was what he still used for his radio show. He lifted his head up, rolling back over to look at Kangin. The younger man had a rather serious look on his face, not at all what Leeteuk would've expected after such a wonderful round (or two) of love-making.
"You need to go... Sunny will be home in an hour or so.... she'll be pissed...." Leeteuk felt his heart sink hearing those words, though a moment later he was scolding himself for being so foolish, for being so stupid as to think this would work out well. He knew Kangin loved his wife... he loved his family. Why he thought that Kangin would somehow whisk him away and they would live a happy life together was beyond him, he should've known better. Kangin had all the love he needed already... he'd just wanted sex. Leeteuk also knew an angry Sunny was a force to be reckoned with... Kangin had wound up with a handprint on his face more than once for doing something stupid. That was why Leeteuk quietly nodded and slid from the bed, using the light from the bedside lamp that Kangin had turned on to gather his clothes and dress.
Kangin apologized quietly as he walked Leeteuk to the door after calling a taxi for him, and Leeteuk put on his best smile and simply nodded. He did as he always did... he pretended to understand, pretended like it was all okay, and agreed when Kangin promised he'd call him later in the week to see a movie or something. He slipped into the taxi and it pulled away just in time. By the time the car got to the end of the block he could see the headlights to what he assumed was Sunny's car pulling into the drive.
He paid the taxi driver to simply drive around Seoul for a while, and he sat in the back seat and pretended like he didn't want to break down and cry. Deep down he knew he had places to go... he knew he'd be welcomed into Hangeng's (and now Siwon's) home again and they'd both stay up all night talking with them if he wanted. He knew he could just as easily drop by to visit Sungmin and Kyuhyun, or ShinDong and his wife, or any of the other members. Even after all this time there were still times when they functioned as though they were in Super Junior, still times when they'd all wind up together no matter the time of day or night. It was Leeteuk's lack of self-esteem that kept him away though, he didn't want to be an inconvenience, he didn't want to bother. He didn't want to wake them up; they all had their own busy lives and needed their rest as well.
He eventually wound up back at his own home, paid the driver and tipped him well, and then headed on inside. He assumed his wife had finally gone to bed, all the lights were out. It felt a little strange to be in his home without his daughter there, but he wouldn't have felt right picking her up while he was hung-over... he didn't want to wake anyone up, either. Perhaps he might actually get some sleep this time, without his beloved Angel to wake him up every few hours to fuss about something. He was tempted to just go and crawl in bed in the guest room, but figured a bath was in order first. He slipped into the main bathroom as quietly as he could... it adjoined the master bedroom and the last thing he needed right now was to wake his wife up and have her throw a fit about it. He popped open the door to the medicine cabinet as he stood at the sink, and took out the bottle of pain pills, since his head was already starting to throb. He'd almost shut the cabinet back when the bottle of prescription sleeping pills caught his attention. They'd all had the same prescription at one point in time; their lives had been so hectic with the success of their group that they had so little time to actually wind down before sleeping that they took sleeping pills to go to sleep and caffeine pills to wake up in the morning. Some had taken them regularly, some only when they needed them. Some still took them, some didn't... it was just a fact of life. Leeteuk didn't take his all that often even though he knew he should've. But he was always afraid Angel would cry and he'd be so sound asleep he wouldn't hear it. But tonight... tonight she was well taken care of by another loving couple... tonight he could sleep.
He hadn't started off suicidal, not at all. But if one pill would help him sleep, maybe two would help him sleep a little more... and then the thought passed through his mind that maybe he just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again. Sleep was good... there was no pain, no sadness, only comfort. He could sleep and dream and escape his life. Two pills turned into three, and with alcohol impairing his judgment three pills turned into... an empty bottle. He decided then a nice hot bath would be nice too, it'd help him relax before he went to sleep, and if he was relaxed he'd sleep even better without tossing and turning because of aches and pains all night. He ran the tub full of water until it was nearly overflowing before he shut the tap off and got in.
He didn't quite remember just when his phone rang, he couldn't remember if he'd been daydreaming or actually sleeping, but the ringer had startled him out of it. He leaned over the side of the tub and fished the phone out of his pants pocket with fingers that felt half numb, glancing briefly at the ID before he flipped it open and put it to his ear to answer. He hadn't thought he had lost his ability to speak properly... his words sounded just fine to him when he said them, but apparently Heechul was disturbed and alarmed, and the more Leeteuk spoke (or tried to) the more nervous the seemingly unflappable Heechul got. Leeteuk wasn't even sure when the conversation ended with Heechul's promise to be right over... he only knew it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold his head upright.
Heechul found the spare key under the mat where Leeteuk always kept it, let himself in, and hurried to the bathroom. It wasn't as though he'd never seen Leeteuk drunk, or had a drunken conversation, he had many times. But this had been something more, he could tell by the emptiness in Leeteuk's voice on the phone. When he pushed the door to the bathroom open he found Leeteuk unconscious with the cell phone floating in the water. Leeteuk's body was slouched... his chin touching the top of the water... a few more inches down and Leeteuk wouldn't be able to breathe. Heechul rushed to haul his friend from the tub and onto the cold tile floor, quickly pulling his own phone out to call for an ambulance.
******
The group of men had sat in the hall in the emergency room for hours that night. Heechul had called Kibum first, surprised that he'd answered. Kibum wasn't the chatty type... he said he talked to Heechul enough at home, he didn't need to talk to him on the phone too, but then again Kibum had seen Heechul leave in a rush, and he knew for Heechul to be calling him at that time of night, something had to be wrong. From there Kibum had called Donghae, Donghae called Hangeng, and word spread out from there. Only ShinDong and Eunhyuk were missing... Eunhyuk had never answered and ShinDong promised to come as soon as they finished filming. They'd all sat and waited crowded into a small space on uncomfortable plastic chairs... they'd waited and worried as Leeteuk nearly stopped breathing, they'd waited even longer as his stomach was pumped. Eventually when Leeteuk stabilized he was moved to the fifth floor, to a private room, and the former members of Super Junior moved with him. Some slept in chairs, some slept on blankets and sheets on the floor, and a guilty looking Kangin stayed propped against the wall, keeping watch all night until he could no longer keep his head up.
Leeteuk had no idea what time it was when he opened his eyes again... he didn't know what day it was, nor did he even know where he was. But his stomach ached, his throat was sore, and he knew he felt far worse than he'd ever felt before. It wasn't until he lifted his arm to try and rub his eyes that he saw the hospital band around the wrist, saw the IVs taped into his arm and the tubes that led from them to bags hung on hooks next to the bed he was in. It was only then that he remembered, but they were only vague memories. Vague memories of the burn of alcohol, vague memories of heated kisses, and vague memories of the tang of the pills as he swallowed them down. It was enough to cause tears to well in his eyes, and he brought the other hand up (without all the tubes attached) to cover his eyes. He hadn't even been aware anyone else was in the room until a husky voice, one he'd recognize anywhere as Yesung's, mumbled to the others that Leeteuk was awake. A warm hand slipped into his to squeeze it then, and when he moved his other hand away to look he saw Siwon there, smiling softly down at him. The urge to cry was even greater then, and Leeteuk found it even more difficult to focus on Siwon when heavy tears were rapidly welling and falling from his eyes.
"I'm sorry... I just..."
"It's okay... you don't have to explain if you don't want. We're just all glad you're awake..." Siwon squeezed his hand to reassure him, plucking a tissue from a box on the bedside table to gently wipe at Leeteuk's eyes.
"All? Everyone?"
"Everyone but Eunhyuk... he didn't answer, but we left messages so I'm sure he'll be by as soon as he gets them." Leeteuk felt bad at that moment in time for not telling one Eunhyuk had run off, but judging by the solemn look on everyone's faces now wasn't the time. It was then that a thought popped into his head, one that made his eyes widen and made him struggle to sit up.
"If you're here, where's Angel?!"
"My wife is watching her..." Donghae smiled softly from where he sat off in the corner, bringing a hand up to wipe the sleep from the corners of his eyes. "Figured she should make friends with Jay..." Leeteuk relaxed back into his bed then, back into the pillows that Hangeng had taken the opportunity to fluff when he'd sat up. He supposed he still loved his wife, but he was sure if the baby had been left with her she would've starved and never been changed again.
Gradually they all began to chat, though they were all careful to avoid the reason why they were all there. ShinDong told them funny stories about the Star King taping from the night before, Sungmin talked about his latest adventure into making his own wine and how his feet were still purple and that he thought he was going to leave it to the professionals from now on. Ryeowook sang them a bit of the latest song he'd been working on, and Yesung spoke of the next shoot he was scheduled to film for his animal show at a marina on the coast.
It was nearing noon and Leeteuk was feeling better, feeling far more cared for and loved than he had in quite a long time, having all of his closest friends their. Their old manager had even stopped by for a while, even Onew and the other members of ShinEE came by for a quick visit when they had time between variety show tapings. Leeteuk had wondered what they had been told at first, but he overheard Taemin scolding Jinki about his drinking habits as they left, warning Jinki that he better not wind up with alcohol poisoning too, and it was then that Leeteuk realized someone had fibbed a little, and for that he was thankful. They were just getting around to discussing what to order lunch when someone else came into the room, muttering and cursing under her breath about a horrible flight and how Korean traffic was much worse than Chinese traffic. Hangeng snorted, looking to the door with a grin playing upon his lips.
"I was wondering when you'd get here..."
"Oh shut it! You act like I still know my way around..."
Leeteuk blinked, squinting a moment before his eyes widened. "....Jia?!" The Chinese girl stopped her bickering and smiled, lifting a hand to wave.
"Teukie! How are you feeling?" Her Korean was just as thickly accented now as it always was, but it was easily understood. Leeteuk shifted to sit himself up in bed once more; rubbing his eyes before he looked to her again, just to make sure it really was Hangeng's wife he was seeing.
"What are you doing here?!"
"I came to visit for a while... came to sign divorce papers. Hangeng and I have decided to make it official. No need of him being tied to me when he finally found the one he was looking for..." She was all smiles though as she made her way over to the bed to hug Leeteuk tightly. Leeteuk laughed, lifting a hand up to rub her head, her hair buzzed just about as short as it could possibly get.
"I swear your hair gets shorter every time..."
"I know... I'll be bald next time you see me!"
Jia was just straightening up from the hug when another woman stomped her way in to the room. She looked cross to begin with, but when she saw everyone there, saw the relaxed atmosphere, her scowl deepened even further.
"What.... this is what I left my business lunch early for? You're in the hospital... you're supposed to be dying or whatever but you're here hanging out with your friends!? I left work for this? Are you kidding me?" The room fell silent, everyone turning their attention to the angry Eun Mi at the door. She marched right after to stand at the foot of Leeteuk's bed, both hands on her hips. "Is this your idea of getting attention? Is it?! I can't believe you, pulling this shit! They wake me up in the middle of the night because of this and nothing happens, you don't die, nothing. And now I leave work because of you and you're just fine and hanging out?! Do you have any idea how much work I have to do!? This is absolute bullshit Jungsu! I swear if I miss one thing because of you-" Her rant was cut off abruptly by the sound of an open palm meeting her cheek, the sound of the stinging smack echoing in the small room.
Jia's palm flushed a deep red color from the force of it, but she ignored it, shoving Eun Mi backwards and towards the door where she came from. She knew enough Korean to get by on a daily basis, but not enough to give someone a good talking to. She scolded Eun Mi in rapid fire Chinese though, grabbing the woman's arm and escorting her right to the door before shoving her right on out and shutting it behind her. Leeteuk understood some Chinese but not that much... though judging by the wild-eyed look on Hangeng's (and other SuJu-M's) faces, he probably didn't want to know what was said. Jia turned around then, hands on her hips as she faced Leeteuk, switching back to her heavily accented Korean.
"Your wife is a bitch."
Before, he might've been tempted to defend her; she was his wife after all. He might've been tempted to defend her behavior, to excuse it as simply stress... but now... though the time he'd spent without her that day had been filled with medication, it'd also been filled with laughter shared amongst friends. It'd been filled with relaxing time catching up on the present, sharing future plans and past memories. It was then that Leeteuk realized that perhaps Siwon hadn't been the only one who needed to learn a lesson the hard way. Leeteuk had been so focused on wanting to have a family that he'd missed out on the family that had been there all along. He'd been so focused on being the perfect husband, the perfect father, and was just now realizing perfection wasn't possible... it was more pain and stress than it was worth. They were all flawed in one way or another, none of them had a perfect relationship... they were all full of complications. But the sense of love and caring in the room was positively overwhelming.
He could've kicked himself for the risk he'd taken, he'd nearly ended his own life, nearly caused his Angel to lose her father because her father was being selfish. He knew then that being the best father he could meant letting his daughter see him make his mistakes... letting her see him pick up the pieces and move on... perhaps someday down the road seeing that would give her strength and courage all her own, because if daddy could make it through hard times then maybe she could too. He could raise his daughter... him and his family. He wouldn't need babysitters or nannies, because she had fourteen other uncles, numerous aunties, nieces and nephews... she had a big and loving family, and they'd be alright, he just knew they would.
Leeteuk couldn't help but to smile then as he lay back in his bed, letting his hands rest on his stomach as he watched the other people in the room chat amongst themselves, bickering over what to order for lunch. He knew they'd all be okay, somehow.
Maybe there was such a thing as a happy ending after all.