worthy of a subject, worthy of an at-dinner toast, worthy of birth.
so i cannot sleep. at all. i'm exhaused, but yet, i shut my eyes to slumber and i feel that there is a fever or something along the lines of a plauge that haunts me. and i cannot shake it like every other ordeal or problem i encounter. i find myself sitting up in my bed thinking 'where did i go wrong?'. and for once i have answers, and no, i'm not at liberty to express them on an internet-wide journal. two people know of this, and they have given me advice. advice i should have taken 5 years ago. no excuses this time, and any surprises? i will take them in stride, no more will i carry such weight on my shoulders. no more will i dwell on my negative sappy past. no more will i sit back in my crudely lit room and let every moment pass me by. moments that i could be have the time of my life. no more will i be such a recluse. no more will i hurt. no more. it's time to leave the womb again, it's time to start anew. no more lack of motivation, no more discouragement, no more resentment, no more bitterness. no more pushing away. i must be drastic, and drastic i will be, there are no measures, i am not a fucking metric system. i am no system at all. x out all dependency and co-dependency. i will not let a damn thing be handed to me, not even in a pink and blue ribboned handbasket. i will spit in your face. i learned to crawl 19 years ago, and now i am just getting on my feet. and on my feet i shall stand, no fuck that, RISE. and i will hold my head in stride, with nose in the air and confidence flowing within my blood blackened heart. without the burden of my past failures and past mistakes. even though they may have fucked me then, and are still fucking me, i proudly say, 'i am pure and i am new'. i will fuck my past and all my situations and worries right in the asshole. because i am better than that, i am better than this. i am reed. wish me luck. wish me the best. but most of all, wish everything is gonna be okay. because i will die to make things better, i will take these tragedies and bury them with me. never to be opened again. i have killed myself, i have killed reed. reed is nothing but a ghost now. reborn i am, and reed i am. everything changes today. stand in my way and i swear i will slit your throat and piss in it.