This is the only way...
I dread coming to livejournal so much lately... I never have anything good to say anymore...
I want so badly to just be happy... if not happy then at least content with my life... I'm neither of those, and at this point in my life... I have no idea who I am anymore... I want to know who I am again...
Who is Kim?
She was that girl who could smile at the simplest thing... She could sit in a room by herself all day, everyday for a week straight and be completely happy with life... She could look at the future knowing everything would turn out okay... She looked up to God knowing a simple prayer could make her feel a billion times better... she didn't have to have a drink to be happy, she could brush things off her shoulder as soon as something bad or out of the ordinary happened... She forgave, and never forgot, she knew her family and friends would always be there for her, and that a simple hug or kiss could change her mood completely and give her hope that tomorrow would be a whole new day and things could start completely over...
I now can't keep a smile even if my life depended on it... I HATE being alone, it only makes me think of my life and hate waking up everyday... My future is full of drama, and unsuccessfulness and I will most likely never be anything I dreamed of being... I don't pray... I now know why people become alcoholics, to forget about all the things in life that haunt you everyday, to have a couple of hours where life doesn't seem bad at all... when things go wrong, my life falls apart right in front of me, and everything goes wrong at once... I can't forgive... I have huge doubts that friends will always be there, and family will always understand... I will never have a hug or a kiss that meant as much to me as his... I dread waking up for tomorrow, because I feel it'll always be the same...
I want so badly to hide...
I want my friend back...
I want to know who I am, and what I'm here for...
I want YOU to stay out of my life, you only make it worse without even knowing it...
I'm only asking to be ME again... why is that so hard?
Do I not deserve it?