I Want to be Loved
Members: Baekhyung, Kris, Chanyeol
Rating: PG
Warnings: gratuitous use of angst
Summary: Baekhyun feels like shit.
Baekhyun sat in the tub, knees pulled up to his chest and hands clutching at his shins. He watched the water swirl down the drain and told himself the shower was the reason his face was wet and cheeks were streaked. Never mind that the stream was aimed at his feet and nowhere near his head.
No one disturbed him. He was the last one to shower except for Chanyeol anyway, and his best friend wasn't home. Baekhyun shuddered. Normally when he was feeling down the younger taller man would loop his arms around Baekhyun's curled up frame, pull his hyung into his lap, and rock him side to side. A small smile slides onto Baekhyun's face at a memory. He'd been homesick and particularly insecure about his short trainee period; Chanyeol had gathered him up, reached for his guitar, and cradled him between his body and the instrument. He'd strummed and sang along weakly until Baekhyun had joined in. Baekhyun had to admit, his voice had boosted the song's quality considerably, which he supposed had been Chanyeol's intention.
Thinking about how amazing his best friend was caused a sob to wrench up in his throat. For the past month Baekhyun had been moody, swinging from the elevated high of being in love to the ridiculous low that comes from being a scummy friend. Chanyeol knows him better than anyone and could tell immediately Baekhyun had a crush on someone. He teased him about it, for sure, but he never really badgered Baekhyun to say who he liked, and that made him feel grateful and horrible. He could never tell Chanyeol the truth. How was he supposed to tell Chanyeol that he was irrevocably, completely, totally, madly in love with Kris? How do you tell your best friend that the reason you grin like an idiot is because of his boyfriend?
*******************
An hour later finds Baekhyun still in the tub, wrinkly and shaking, water gone cold. He hears the front door open and Chanyeol stumble in. Kris shushes him, responsible as always. Chanyeol whispers out something that sounds like "Do ya think Baekhyun's awake? He's not in the room."; that has him scrambling to turn off the water and get up but his legs are weak and sore from disuse. He slips but doesn't have far to fall and the thud sounds worse than it feels. That might just be because his butt is numb.
The door creaks open and Chanyeol sticks his head in, face towards the ground as if that made up for his disregard for privacy. "Baek? I heard a thump, and-" as he speaks his head slowly turns up toward the tub. His eyes widen at the sight of his friend and he rushes at the tub with a gasp, shutting off the water and scooping Baekhyun up. Kris is right behind him with a towel, wrapping Baekhyun up and muttering about colds. He knows he shouldn't but Baekhyun takes a moment to revel in his dream scenario come to life: Kris' has got his massive hands holding him and cradling him, warming him and drying him off and Chanyeol is towling his hair dry and massaging his shoulders and scalp. He closes his eyes and lets his best friend warm him from behind and the man he loves warm the air in front of him. He's still virtually naked and it's all very intimate, and if he could sink into this forever he would. It's Chanyeol's fingers on his cheeks and jaw that break the spell.
Chanyeol has his jaw gripped in one hand and he turns Baekhyun's face toward him. He thumbs at the salt tracks on his face.
"Baek, were you crying?"
Suddenly aware of what's happening Baekhyun jerks as if to pull away, but Chanyeol is strong and Kris is still there. He's turned around and pulled back into Kris' lap as Kris sits on the closed toilet. Chanyeol is on his knees in front of him, his voice soothing and quiet.
"Hey, hey, shhhh. Calm down man, talk to us. Why were you in the tub?"
Baekhyun can't take it, he can't take this. He can't take having everything he wants right in front of him and not in the way he desires. Chanyeol is too kind and he's also the reason for all Baekhyun's inner turmoil. His mind is spinning faster and faster and his head lulls forward with a groan.
"Baek? Baek! Talk to me please, Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun, what is wrong with you?!"
"You are! You are, it’s because of you- get off of me!"
He's shrieking and crying and he's shocked both Chanyeol and Kris so much that neither of them makes to stop him when he runs out of the bathroom. He shuts his bedroom door behind him and locks it before sliding to the ground. Chanyeol will be fine; Baekhyun knows he has clothes in Kris' room. He can go sleep with his boyfriend and share his deodorant and wear his boyfriend's stupid clothes or his own stupid clothes that his stupid boyfriend keeps. With every thought Baekhyun feels his chest clench a little more.
*******************************
Baekhyun sucks for days. He can't hit his notes, and the ones he does hit he can't hold. He's awkward and quiet in interviews like he's suddenly turned into mama showcase era Jongin. His jokes fall flat and he can't focus or pay attention. Backstage, waiting for the van home, he's short tempered and snippy. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Kris gesturing at him and then pushing Chanyeol in his direction. He gets up and moves away before Chanyeol can gather enough steam to reach him. He's not ready to be forgiven yet but the moment they make eye contact he knows Chanyeol will.
When they reach the dorm he goes up to the roof. There under the stars and away from everyone's staring eyes, he lets himself cry. He stiffens at the sound of feet behind him, but long arms too thin to be Chanyeol or Kris wrap around him.
"Hey, you'll be alright. I promise."
Baekhyun leans back into the younger boy's arms to relax and heaves a breath.
"Yeah. Yeah I will. Thanks Tao."
"No problem, hyung."
title from Somebody by 15&
Rating: PG
Warnings: gratuitous use of angst
Summary: Baekhyun feels like shit.
Baekhyun sat in the tub, knees pulled up to his chest and hands clutching at his shins. He watched the water swirl down the drain and told himself the shower was the reason his face was wet and cheeks were streaked. Never mind that the stream was aimed at his feet and nowhere near his head.
No one disturbed him. He was the last one to shower except for Chanyeol anyway, and his best friend wasn't home. Baekhyun shuddered. Normally when he was feeling down the younger taller man would loop his arms around Baekhyun's curled up frame, pull his hyung into his lap, and rock him side to side. A small smile slides onto Baekhyun's face at a memory. He'd been homesick and particularly insecure about his short trainee period; Chanyeol had gathered him up, reached for his guitar, and cradled him between his body and the instrument. He'd strummed and sang along weakly until Baekhyun had joined in. Baekhyun had to admit, his voice had boosted the song's quality considerably, which he supposed had been Chanyeol's intention.
Thinking about how amazing his best friend was caused a sob to wrench up in his throat. For the past month Baekhyun had been moody, swinging from the elevated high of being in love to the ridiculous low that comes from being a scummy friend. Chanyeol knows him better than anyone and could tell immediately Baekhyun had a crush on someone. He teased him about it, for sure, but he never really badgered Baekhyun to say who he liked, and that made him feel grateful and horrible. He could never tell Chanyeol the truth. How was he supposed to tell Chanyeol that he was irrevocably, completely, totally, madly in love with Kris? How do you tell your best friend that the reason you grin like an idiot is because of his boyfriend?
*******************
An hour later finds Baekhyun still in the tub, wrinkly and shaking, water gone cold. He hears the front door open and Chanyeol stumble in. Kris shushes him, responsible as always. Chanyeol whispers out something that sounds like "Do ya think Baekhyun's awake? He's not in the room."; that has him scrambling to turn off the water and get up but his legs are weak and sore from disuse. He slips but doesn't have far to fall and the thud sounds worse than it feels. That might just be because his butt is numb.
The door creaks open and Chanyeol sticks his head in, face towards the ground as if that made up for his disregard for privacy. "Baek? I heard a thump, and-" as he speaks his head slowly turns up toward the tub. His eyes widen at the sight of his friend and he rushes at the tub with a gasp, shutting off the water and scooping Baekhyun up. Kris is right behind him with a towel, wrapping Baekhyun up and muttering about colds. He knows he shouldn't but Baekhyun takes a moment to revel in his dream scenario come to life: Kris' has got his massive hands holding him and cradling him, warming him and drying him off and Chanyeol is towling his hair dry and massaging his shoulders and scalp. He closes his eyes and lets his best friend warm him from behind and the man he loves warm the air in front of him. He's still virtually naked and it's all very intimate, and if he could sink into this forever he would. It's Chanyeol's fingers on his cheeks and jaw that break the spell.
Chanyeol has his jaw gripped in one hand and he turns Baekhyun's face toward him. He thumbs at the salt tracks on his face.
"Baek, were you crying?"
Suddenly aware of what's happening Baekhyun jerks as if to pull away, but Chanyeol is strong and Kris is still there. He's turned around and pulled back into Kris' lap as Kris sits on the closed toilet. Chanyeol is on his knees in front of him, his voice soothing and quiet.
"Hey, hey, shhhh. Calm down man, talk to us. Why were you in the tub?"
Baekhyun can't take it, he can't take this. He can't take having everything he wants right in front of him and not in the way he desires. Chanyeol is too kind and he's also the reason for all Baekhyun's inner turmoil. His mind is spinning faster and faster and his head lulls forward with a groan.
"Baek? Baek! Talk to me please, Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun, what is wrong with you?!"
"You are! You are, it’s because of you- get off of me!"
He's shrieking and crying and he's shocked both Chanyeol and Kris so much that neither of them makes to stop him when he runs out of the bathroom. He shuts his bedroom door behind him and locks it before sliding to the ground. Chanyeol will be fine; Baekhyun knows he has clothes in Kris' room. He can go sleep with his boyfriend and share his deodorant and wear his boyfriend's stupid clothes or his own stupid clothes that his stupid boyfriend keeps. With every thought Baekhyun feels his chest clench a little more.
*******************************
Baekhyun sucks for days. He can't hit his notes, and the ones he does hit he can't hold. He's awkward and quiet in interviews like he's suddenly turned into mama showcase era Jongin. His jokes fall flat and he can't focus or pay attention. Backstage, waiting for the van home, he's short tempered and snippy. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Kris gesturing at him and then pushing Chanyeol in his direction. He gets up and moves away before Chanyeol can gather enough steam to reach him. He's not ready to be forgiven yet but the moment they make eye contact he knows Chanyeol will.
When they reach the dorm he goes up to the roof. There under the stars and away from everyone's staring eyes, he lets himself cry. He stiffens at the sound of feet behind him, but long arms too thin to be Chanyeol or Kris wrap around him.
"Hey, you'll be alright. I promise."
Baekhyun leans back into the younger boy's arms to relax and heaves a breath.
"Yeah. Yeah I will. Thanks Tao."
"No problem, hyung."
title from Somebody by 15&