Just like how it was all supposed to be
Disclaimer: If I by any chance happened to own them, i wouldn't even let them leave a room without the other :D
A/N: This is my first attempt to write a yunjae fic, and also my first try in posting here in Lj
i hope i didn't fail too such at this *hopeful eyes*
*goes away to a hiding place*
Im sorry in advance for the typos and maybe wrong grammar
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JUST LIKE HOW IT WAS ALL SUPPOSED TO BE
Part One
Days when he doesn’t have to work have been increasing a lot lately. It was quite ironic how he, or rather they, complained about not having days for themselves, not having enough rest or sleep or even have the time to properly eat before, when now, now that they have all the time in the world all they want is to get dumped with tons and tons and tons of work as long as it was with his hyungs, as long as they did it together, all five of them.
Changmin had been staring at the TV for about an hour now. He’d woken up later than usual, since he didn’t have a schedule today, and found out that his Yunho hyung had left early leaving him starving with no one to talk to and nothing else to do.
He sighed for the nth time that day. He’d just raided the kitchen not too long ago and it was near empty of anything edible or near edible now. He looked around the bare apartment, wishing for a certain duckbutt to suddenly appear, squealing while playing his video games, an emo hyung refusing to leave the workroom until he finishes at least a quarter of the song he’s been trying to write for ages, a somehow annoyed but amused giggling band umma cooking in the kitchen with a certain whiny, attention-deprived leader-shii trailing on his back, following his every move.
‘I wonder what they’re up to right now’ he thought smiling. He jumped off the couch to get his phone that he probably left in the room. He wasn’t sure, his Yunho hyung’s forgetfulness must have rubbed off on him lately. Instead of finding the device though, the first thing he saw was his laptop. Smirking, he thought it would be better to check what they were busy about through the internet, that way he could call them up and tease them to death or basically shower them ,especially Junsu, with sarcastic remarks like he usually does. With that in mind he grabbed the portable gadget and walked to the dining area.
He still found it weird that the internet was faster in the kitchen but he was happy since it was pretty convenient for him to be able to be near his prized possessionS, food.
He started browsing, smiling, laughing, occasionally rolling his eyes at the recent pictures of the three. He saw Jaejoong’s new cat and he couldn’t help but wonder at how cute and small it would look like beside Jae’s rather huge dog, Vick. He burst out laughing at that one retarded picture of Yoochun where he was pursing his lips like there was no tomorrow.
“Hey, what’s so funny?”
He got too engrossed in what he was doing that he didn’t notice his hyung’s entrance.He turned around and saw him by the door removing his shoes.
“Oh. Hey hyung, why are you back so early?”
He watched as Yunho shrug his jacket off his shoulder and draped it on the sofa. He then turned back to his laptop and scrolled down the pictures
“Meeting got cancelled. So anyway, what’s so funny?” Yunho asked as he approached the kitchen, going straight to the refrigerator for a drink.
“Nothing. Just looking at the three’s recent pics”
“Oh” Yunho said, gulping down the beverage in one go. He nodded his head in understanding as he placed the empty bottle on the table. “So, what are they up to?”
Changmin shrugged. “The usual. Photoshoots, recordings. ” He then turned to look up at Yunho in interest “Hey hyung, have you seen Jaejoong hyung’s cat?”
Yunho smiled, remembering the MMS Jaejoong sent to him.It was a picture of the cat with the words
‘Cute huh.Reminds me of you. Should I get it? <3’.
Yunho didn’t stop grinning during the 15 minute break they had at the rehearsal. He replied with;
‘As long as you’ll still love me more <3’
and he couldn’t help but feel his heart fluttering when the response came
‘Always.’
“Im guessing by that huge smile on your face that he did”
Sadly though, that was already 2 weeks ago and just 3 days ago they had another huge argument, just like they always did for the past few weeks. They rarely called each other anymore, because of their busy schedules and because they were too tired of fighting with each other, yelling their hearts out through the phone or saying irrational unreasonable things to each other. Their arguments were mostly caused by petty things such as forgetting to call at the right time, to broader things such as jealousy and then to a lot more serious subjects like their insecurities, knowing they weren’t together all the time and being afraid that they might lose each other sooner or later. Truthfully, it was exhausting for the both of them (probably for the other three who stay up with them all night to either comfort or drink with them too), by the time they end their rants at each other they’d be physically, and emotionally drained that they regret even calling in the first place (of course this was just thought out of frustration, not that they actually meant it because even if they wont admit it to themselves just hearing each other’s voices somehow relieves the stress they felt). What hurts more though was that Yunho can’t even remember when they last said those three loving words to each other directly. Not through text messages, not through reading between the lines, just plain, straight from the heart, unprompted ‘I love yous’.
Was it 2 weeks ago? Or was it when Jae called him crying his eyes out after the final JYJ concert and he secretly rushed to Tokyo so he could comfort his lover?
“Hyung, I’m gonna go get my phone in my room. I forgot I have to call Kyu and Minho for tonight”
Changmin broke him off from his thoughts and he nodded at the maknae absent mindedly. He replaced the seat Min vacated and started browsing through the pictures himself. At first, he was smiling at the trio’s pictures ‘Still as dorky as ever’ he thought and then it was their solo pictures and he stopped at that one image ,admiring the beauty he missed seeing, missed holding so close, afraid that his emotions (yes, emotions that only his boo can make him feel ) might take over and he’d be bawling right then and there,he scrolled down….
Until he saw it…..
He saw them…
He could swear his heart missed a beat.
“Hyung, I’m gonna go out….” Changmin stopped and furrowed his brows when he saw his hyung staring blankly at the screen, hands fell limply at his sides.
“Hyung?” he asked and took a step forward. “What’s wrong?”
His hyung didnt answer him, he didn’t even make an effort to move. This worried Changmin and so he peered over Yunho’s shoulder to look at what his hyung was looking at.
His eyes widened in realization. It was a picture, pictures rather, of Jaejoong and Yoochun, the soulmates. They were both sitting together and Jaejoong was looking at Yoochun, smiling. He looked rather happy and then eventually Yoochun scooted closer and closer until he was seated beside Jaejoong. The photo was a candid shot and this made him more worried. They looked happy, together. If he didn’t know any better, he’d actually think they were the real couple, not Yunjae. ‘ Aish that Yoochun hyung, does he really want to die this early?’
Yunho stayed like that for a while, just staring at the laptop screen, his face void of any emotions.
He tentatively placed a hand on Yunho’s shoulder. He half-expected Yunho to thrash out and yell, mutter curses he didn’t really mean, Changmin even feared that he might have to buy a new laptop after, instead though his hyung wordlessly stood up ,went to his room and quietly closed the door- though the maknae thought he’d be slamming the door shut, like he usually did.
---
Changmin waited.
He waited for the usual sounds of yelling through the phone.. of things getting thrown out of frustration but it didn’t come. It had been about an hour since his hyung locked himself up in his room and he couldn’t even hear any sounds coming from in it. It worried Changmin to no end, ‘What if his hyung did something unreasonable?’, and so as soon as it reached an hour he stood in front of Yunho’s door and knocked. No response. He twisted the doorknob and it wasn’t locked.
He peeked at the small opening of the door , it was dark, a sign that his hyung hadn’t even made the effort to turn the lights on, he searched for the switch and flipped it, squinting when the bright lights reached his eyes. He looked around the room, and then he saw his hyung, sitting on the floor, hugging his knees and just looking out the window. Probably sensing another person’s presence his hyung looked up at him, and if he weren’t supposed to be the snarky and sarcastic maknae, he’d have cried too. His heart softened as he saw how vulnerable his hyung looked that moment, almost lost, like the world had just crashed down on him, like he had lost his everything, the reason for his very being.
“Hyung…”
Yunho shook his head, the tears falling from his eyes one after the other. He cant believe he’s crying like this in front of his dongsaeng. He’s supposed to be the stronger one here. He’s the one who’s supposed to have his emotions in tact. ‘But how can I have my emotions in tact when I feel like the person I love is slowly slipping away from me?’ His heart clenched at the thought.
He hated the fact that he couldn’t be the one beside Jaejoong.He wanted to be where Yoochun was now, wanted to be the one Jae can turn to anytime he wanted, and was always there in person. Yoochun can hold Jaejoong when he cries, can laugh with him when they find something funny, can drink and be with him when Jae just wants some company …while he cant, he cant because he’s freaking miles away from him. He hated that he cant be there when his boyfriend needs him. That he cant be there, when Jaejoong is feeling down to comfort him and cheer him up. He hated it.He hated not being to be able to be with Jaejoong. It frustrated him to no end.
Those pictures he saw just now triggered something in him. The way Jaejoong looked at Yoochun, broke his heart. They looked so happy, almost blissful, as if they hadn’t had a care for the world at all, that there weren’t people around them, that for some reason, It was just Jaejoong and Yoochun and no one else. It had finally taken its toll on him. In the beginning it was okay, those simple gestures or hugs Jaejoong offered to other people, it was fine then because Jaejoong was always there, beside him, to comfort him and tell him that he was the one whom he loved and Yunho would believe him because Jaejoong would always prove it to him, in every way possible.
He remembered the first week after they had officially gone out together, Yunho got jealous at Yoochun because Jaejoong and him were spending so much time talking and laughing together. Yunho got annoyed just seeing them sitting together and so he walked out of the recording studio much to the staff and the four members’ surprise. He texted his manager that he wasn’t feeling well and he went home to their apartment. After only a few minutes, he heard the front door opening, and there stood Jaejoong with a worried expression on his face.
“Hey” he called out lovingly “What happened? Hyung said you weren’t feeling well.” He then went to sit beside Yunho and touched his face to check the temperature. Yunho turned away childishly. “Im okay. Why don’t you go back to Yoochun, maybe he isn’t feeling well’ he mumbled
Jaejoong bit his lower lip to keep himself from laughing. ‘Yunho’s cute when he’s jealous’
“Aww, is my yunniebear jealous?” he cooed, wrapping his arms around Yunho
“Maybe I am”
“But you don’t have to. You know I love you right? And you’re the only one I love”
Yunho turned to him slowly “Really?” Jaejoong nodded cutely. Yunho smiled and hugged Jaejoong back so tight.
“Joongie..” he breathed out “ its just that, I love you so much.Its not that I don’t trust you. I just love you so much and im selfish enough to want to have you only for myself now” he murmured
Jaejoong couldn’t help but feel warm at the words. “Show it to me then.”
Yunho pulled away slowly to look at Jaejoong’s face, noticing his seriousness “A-are you sure?”
Jaejoong nodded determinedly “Prove to me, show me how you love me so much, show me how selfish you can get, show me how you want to own me Yunho. That you want me to be yours, only yours” he added in a whisper, looking down on the floor, face flustering at the words he just said
Yunho held his chin to make him look up again. They stared at each other for a while before Yunho bent down to crash their lips together, it was sweet and gentle at first, full of love, before it turned into a rough and passionate one. Before they knew it, they were walking towards the bedroom, lips still connected to each other. Jaejoong fell backwards on the mattress when the back of his knees hit the bed.
Yunho pulled away from the kiss eliciting a groan from the now beautifully swollen lips.
“You’re really sure about this?”
Jaejoong nodded. “More than ever. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine”
Yunho smiled at the words, his heart doing somersaults at what they were going to do. Okay, maybe not only his heart was excited, little Yunnie was just as excited. He bent down and kissed the creamy neck, before he turned back to the still swollen lips
“Mine” he breathlessly whispered above it
He felt the beautiful lips curve upwards against his. “Yours” it whispered back
And so that night Jaejoong willingly gave himself to Yunho for the first time, proving just how much he loved the leader. Yunho did just the same (except he wasn’t the one at the receiving end), proving how much he loved the lead singer. That night, they reaffirmed with their bodies what their hearts were feeling. That night, they became one.
It was different now though, Jaejoong wasn’t there to show just how much Yunho meant to him. Jaejoong wasn’t there to reassure him that he loved him, that they were gonna make it through. Jaejoong wasn’t always beside him anymore. Jaejoong seldom was, nowadays. Almost never. And that thought scared him the most. “Am I losing him?”
He felt his throat constrict at the thought and his eyes unconsciously poured more liquids out.
Changmin felt his heart break as he saw his hyung break down in front of him. He rushed to his side and hugged the older man.
“Hyung…”
“C-Changmin” the leader cried , choking a sob “I can’t l-lose him” He shook his head frantically, tears falling down his face
“I cant lose him. He’s my everything. ”
“Shh Hyung..” Changmin bit his lip to keep himself from crying
“I-I love him Min, I love him so much but I feel like im losing him..” Yunho sobbed , his voice shaking
“I cant. I cant lose him”
Changmin hugged him tighter as he said “Hyung, Jaejoong hyung loves you just as much. Stop crying over this. You’re not gonna lose him”
“I--” Yunho looked up at him once again, and Changmin saw the pure emotions on his hyungs eyes, the pain, the hurt, the love, the fear of losing someone so dear to his heart
“He’s my life, Min” he whispered brokenly “I cant live without him”
Changmin closed his eyes. He hated seeing his hyungs like this, so weak, so broken, so fragile. ‘Please. Just bring us back together again. Cant you see? We’re all hurting. I hate seeing them like this. I hate it. Please, all I want is for us to be together again. ’ with this thought, Changmin felt the tears he’s been holding in finally fall from his eyes
---
It had been a week since Yunho finally let out all of his pent up feelings and he hadn’t felt good ever since, every time he woke up there was still the fear at the back of his mind, the fear that he might lose Jaejoong any minute now. The fear that maybe Jaejoong’s love had faded for him over time, that maybe Jaejoong found someone, someone who he can be with anytime of the day, to love. He hated himself for even doubting the lead singer’s love for him, but he couldn’t help it, it was inevitable that someone will fall for Jaejoong, he was easy to love afterall, his smiles,laughter, thoughtfulness, kindness and warmth,the way he loved, even his imperfections made him the best person to love. Yunho wouldn’t be too surprised if someone else had already fallen for his angel. But Jaejoong though, Yunho knew, never fell in love too fast, he always took his time, thinking things over, being rational. He was friendly, yes, another trait that made him perfect, but his heart never opened up too easily.Yunho idly wondered how he had won the pretty guy’s heart over, he must have done something good to deserve someone like Kim Jaejoong. Jaejoong was also loyal, he knew that if Jaejoong loved, he loved with all his heart and because of that Yunho held on..He knew Jaejoong would never betray him, somewhere in his heart he knew Jaejoong never would.
Yunho stood across the sea, he watched as the waves crash one after the other. He closed his eyes, inhaling the unique scent of the beach and enjoying the feel of the soft breeze on his skin.
“Yunho-yah!!”
He turned at the voice, smiling as the familiar pretty face came into view. He smiled.
“Jaejoong-ah!” he shouted back
His grin got wider when the lead singer stopped right in front of him, breathless and face flustered because of the running he’d just done.
They stared at each other for a while, eyes searching each other’s faces. Yunho lifted one hand to caress the pretty one’s cheek, reveling on the softness of it against his palm.
Jaejoong just stared back at him, unable to say anything.
Yunho then grabbed him by the shoulders into a bone-crushing hug. How he missed him so much. He wrapped his arms tighter around Jaejoong, drinking in his sweet scent. He marveled at how the body fit against him so perfectly.
Jaejoong closed his eyes and hugged Yunho back. He missed being in Yunho’s arms, missed feeling the warmth and security it always offered.
“I missed you” Yunho managed to breath out, his voice trembling because of the emotions he felt
“missed you too” came the muffled reply
“God, I missed you. So damn much”
“Jaejoong-ah!!” Yunho’s head snapped up at the voice. He knew it too well
“Yoochun?” he asked confusedly. He carefully pulled Jaejoong out of his embrace and looked at him questioningly but the latter only bit his lower lip and looked down to his feet. Yunho missed the lone tear that escaped Jaejoong’s eyes.
Yoochun stopped right in front of them, and draped an arm around Jaejoong possessively. This baffled Yunho,Why the hell was Yoochun acting like he was Jaejoong’s boyfriend and not him?
“Jaejoong?” he asked, feeling lost now more than ever. Somehow, the feeling in the pit of his stomach made him nervous, but he put it aside. “Jaejoong, what’s happening? Why is Yoochun here with you? ”
“You haven’t told him yet?” Yoochun whispered close to Jaejoong’s ear. So dangerously close. Yunho’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits at the gesture, despite this however, he couldn’t get himself to feel angry. He could only feel sadness and pain overcoming as realization dawned upon him.
Jaejoong continued to look down as he shook his head frantically, tears running down his pretty face as droplets of tears fell down on the sand. He didn’t want to see the hurt flashing in Yunho’s eyes, didn’t want to see how he had caused the person he once loved pain. He didn’t mean to fall in love with Yoochun, he never did.
“Jaejoong? ” Yunho’s voice shook, hurt so visible in his tone as he tried to keep his tears from falling “Jaejoong? W-What’s this? What are you not telling me?” His heart felt like it was constricting in his chest, the sinking feeling in his guts only confirming the fear he felt.
He didn’t want to believe that this was happening. He refused to believe that Jaejoong didn’t love him anymore.
Jaejoong finally looked up, his eyes red and glistening with tears. Yunho saw the regret in Jaejoong’s eyes and his heart clenched in pain. So this was really happening. Yunho closed his eyes not wanting to see the sight, here was Jaejoong trying to tell him he didn’t love him anymore, that he already loved another man, but all he knew was that he didn’t want to see Jae crying. It was heartbreaking to see Jaejoong cry, not that his heart wasn’t already broken by him anyway.
“Im-Im s-sorry Yunho. Im really really sorry. I didn’t mean to-I really.. Im sorry” Jaejoong sobbed, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably
That’s when Yunho felt like the world had ended, right there when Jaejoong admitted he wasn’t in love with him anymore, right there when Jaejoong was crying in front of him telling him he loved another man.that he loved Yoochun.
They continued to stand there, crying. The sounds of the waves crashing mixed with Yunho and Jaejoong’s heart-wrenching sobs. They didn’t even notice Yoochun stepping aside and walking slightly away to give them a little alone time.
Yunho wanted to shout. He wanted to scream at Jaejoong. He wanted to yell at him and hate him for falling for someone else when he was still very much in love with him, when they were still very much together. He wanted to bawl at him for deceiving him, for making him believe that he loved him, that he still did.
But his voice betrayed him and all he could manage was a quiet, pained whisper of
“Why?”
Why Jaejoong? I loved you. I love you. I love you so much. Why?
Jaejoong looked up at him, and his shoulders shook as a new wave of tears poured down his face. There was a long pause, as Jaejoong seemed hesitant to speak, afraid to break the man that had once been his own pillar of strength.
“I.. Yunho..He was there. He was always there, with me…. And you weren’t ” He whispered the last part inaudibly that Yunho would have missed it if he wasn’t paying attention
“I held on Jaejoong. Even when everything else failed I held on. I kept my faith in you, in us. I believed we’d get through anything as long as we were together. That’s what kept me going. Our love kept me going..Tell me, how can you give up just like that? ”
“Im really sorry Yunho. I tried. I really tried to save what we had left.. the distance thing was just too unbearable..It was painful to watch you with many girls and I hated missing you so much, but never really seeing you..the arguments got too tiring and I didn’t have energy to put up with it..I got tired of being the only one making the effort to see you and end up waiting in vain because you cant even spare some time to see me..I.I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time you choose any one, anything over me. It hurt Yunho. It hurt like hell. Its not like I just woke up and found myself not loving you anymore, I suffered too Yunho, I got confused, frustrated, I even hated myself for even thinking of breaking your heart at one point. You don’t know how guilty I am now for doing this, but Yunho.. I cant continue living like this, I cant be in a relationship with you when the feeling’s fading. I will only be hurting you more..It will only be unfair to you..Maybe its better this way…Im sorry” he bowed his head down, still crying and Yunho just stared at him, his eyes blurred with tears, unable to say anything else.
“Jaejoong?”
Yoochun took a hesitant step forward. “I think we should go”
Yunho swore he would have punched Yoochun straight in the face if he wasn’t so emotionally distressed right now. How could you? You knew how much I loved him. How could you, how dare you take him away from me?! He wasn’t able to voice it out though because he felt the energy slowly drain out of him.
So this was how it felt when your whole world had just crashed down on you, when you feel like you have no reason to live anymore.
Yunho just stood there, immobile as Yoochun wrapped an arm around Jaejoong and slowly turned him to the other direction. He stayed still as he watched both of them walk away, as he watched the love of his life turn his back on him and walk away from him completely.
He just stood there, unflinching, even after Jaejoong glanced back at him with a teary and regretful face as Yoochun continued to pull him away. He just stood there, unable to feel anything but pain. He felt numb of any emotions except sadness.
He stayed that way until the sky turned dark and the cold wind crept in. He didn’t care though; he could barely feel the cold wind freezing him to death.
Suddenly, unable to bear the pain any longer, he fell on his knees, his hands on his face as he sobbed.
“Jaejoong-ah!!!!!!!!”
He panted as he tried to catch his breath and sat up straight. He looked around, he wasn’t in a beach. In fact, he was in his room, sitting on his bed. He woke up sweating profusely and when he touched his face, he could still feel fresh tears on it.
‘Was everything just a dream? No. not a dream, a nightmare. A really really bad nightmare. ’ It was like his worst fear come to life.
He looked down at his clothes and it was the same as what he wore last night.
Reaizing that it indeed was, he fell back on his bed once again. Although he couldn’t keep his mind off the nightmare. It was so vivid. Like it really happened. Those emotions felt so real that it scared him. Honestly speaking, he didn’t want to feel those ever again .Never.
That dream really hit him. He wasn’t ready to lose Jaejoong. He never will be. But what if Jaejoong was? What if Jaejoong wanted out of the relationship? What was he supposed to do now?
Groaning as he felt an oncoming headache just at the thoughts, he kicked the sheets off his feet and got up the bed. He turned to look at the time, 3am- it read.
He knew with the dream he just had and with what was going on in his mind, that he wont be able to go back to sleep anytime soon. He resisted the urge to call Jaejoong since he knew his lover was probably already in dreamland.
Finally deciding on what to do, he grabbed a random hoodie from the closet, together with his keys, phone and wallet. He then walked to the main entrance and shut the door.
Part Two